The Year of Loss

Sep 28, 2012

Totally blown away when I learned on Martin Luther King Day that one of my brothers had terminal cancer from his wife. It was out of the blue. Yet, months later, she determined that he had had the cancers for year without symptoms. He never went to the doctor and had to go to the ER because he was short of breath from a cold. He was first diagnosed with pneumonia and sent home. His xrays showed something on his liver. It was his first indication that something was wrong when he was awakened at home by a call back from the hospital.

He spent many days in the hospital while his wife tried to keep home and work going with this awful knowledge that soon she would be doing it all by herself.
Through the kindness of a friend, I was able to visit my brother and his family for a week in March.
I had started the process of getting disability from my job. It is a very long process. I was scared for my brother and his family with the teenagers. He was wondering how he would be able to tell them the awful news. We had many conversations over many days before he went home from the hospital prior to my visit in March.

Two other family members were being treated for cancer. My dear sister in law had the company of her hasband and sisters on the rides into Mass General. We would visit her at home. She was now more tired and out of sorts than she had ever been. I know that this ultimate entertainer and hostess did not like the position that cancer put her in on the receiving end. Yet she seemed to be winning the battle step by step until we learned in March that the chemo was not working and she would only be on palative care. My sister in law died in early April right after my husband told a story about her borrowing his car to ride from Ashland Mass to Munson Mass when she was a teenager. How she would come home as if all was fine yet had put on nearly 100 miles. He did not discover this right away. My husband suggested that she could borrow his car and she looked up at him with a "you have to be kidding look" and died.

Now, my mom had been fighting cancer longer. Mom had been a recovered cancer patient for a breast cancer from more than 15 years ago. She was a fighter that did not take in all that the doctors said or required. She wanted her own way. I remember thinking that 8 months ago when they had wanted her to go 5 days a week for treatment she boldly said no. She did not want her week taken up with treatment. She held out for a few months without treatment.
Yes, she was determined. She often said, I am not dead yet. So mom battled cancer in her own way. She ended up in the hospital many times often in ICU because she did not follow her doctor's advice. Her conversations were fewer and fewer. It had to do with lack of phone, lack of hearing, needing a hearing aid that she would not wear. Had we known that she wason her deathbed, we could not have made it down in time in June. My sister and brother had visited her that evening and went home. She had talked to them.

Gary hung on longer then he first was told. Yet, he was told in late June that he should set his affairs in order that the chemo was not working. His liver failed him and he went from helping out around the pool to not being able to get up and get into bed. Hospice determined that he needed a hospital bed and when the paramedics came to put him in the bed he fought them off. He was made aware that they were not bringing him away from his home and family but to the hospital bed in the game room at the end of the hall. I was able to talk with him the day before he died. I was trying to stay awake for the phone call that I knew would come. I fell asleep and had a dream that I had been hugged. I woke up wondering about the dream. About a minute later, my sister called to say that my brother had passed. I felt the hug was his way of saying good bye.

Gary and his wife had a great relationship. I was so happy to go visit her for a week in August when she had the memorial service. I was so proud to be a support for her.

This is a year of loss for our family.

I have been fortunate to get my SS disability and still wait for my work disability. It takes so long.

I am doing well emotionally. I do not overeat. I think that I may have been tempted to on all the times that I learned of the pain and suffering of my family members. It is difficult to say whether I would be healthy now had I not had the RNY surgery in January 2008.

I am happy that I made the choice towards better health for myself.

Yes, and I am scheduling a mammogram for my yearly check up.

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About Me
Marlborough, MA
Location
22.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/03/2008
Surgery Date
Nov 15, 2007
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