azcatdream
Current State of Lisa...
Jul 26, 2008
I have been bulimic and VERY OBESE, but
now I guess I am just obese/overweight.
In the morning most of the times I could care less about food and some days I could care less about food. (DOESNT mean I DONT eat!)
Unfortunately other days I cant stop eating and at night seems to be my time for getting into food. Especially when watching TV for some reason.
I am working on drinking lots of water.
I live in AZ and right now I wake up VERY dry
like you just cant imagine. It is weird I can drink
32 or 64 ounces of water and just start to feel
not so dry and end up drinking almost 200 ounces a day sometimes.
( I am NOT diabetic JUST had labs this week and DOC said "NO" everything is GOOD)
Actually I am sure that my body MUST need it so I am now doing my best to give it what it needs.
I also am working on giving my body 100-150 grams of protein and whatever potassium - not sure what amount, but I have been low before
and it makes me very tired...and low energy.
I am also working on listening to myself and letting myself have what I want to eat no matter what it is which is sometimes a little hard for me to do or live with after I eat but I am doing it.
I want to stop feeling so massively deprived NOT only of food but of other things too.
Those other things are harder for me to do right now so I am working on meeting my body's needs right now.
I do think with this certain friends & some online groups I belong to I do get part of my need for unconditional love and support met even though it is not usually in person.
I am also working on finding out what my other needs are since a long long time ago when I was a child I decided to NOT need anything - as much
as I possibly could - because IF I needed something IT could be taken away at ANY time too. scary I know.....
I have lived for SO long in deprivation through diets, doing without financially and emotionally
really having as little needs as I could do with that my sense of deprivation is SO
deeply imbedded in me.
I am afraid to want things NOT just food, but that too.
At my highest weight I weighed 296, in 2001 I had weight loss surgery and lost just over 110 pounds.
I am working to remember THAT and be grateful for THAT, but I am having a hard time with my body and my weight and coming to terms with
them both.
I dont have an idea for myself of WHAT is OKAY for ME, my body/weight or my life....
I am afraid to decide these things because I totally fear disapproval from other people, BUT
I am working on overcoming this CRAP because it SUCKS royally!
I have a hard time believing that I am pretty or that a man would even want to be with me for anything but sex. (happened w/ 2
different men - one wanted sex only and the other wanted what I did for him - BUT neither WANTED ME FOR MORE LT - I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for either of them apparently.
I have a hard time believing that people like me too. I have had former friends turn on me or reject me for this reason or that reason.
I have a really hard time trusting people to treat me right.
Sometime I almost expect people to mistreat me because it has happened SO many times before.
I am working on seeing myself in positive ways - pretty, talented, smart - confident - but it is scary for me -
I notice that when I look in the mirror I dont always see me as pretty and much of the time I dont think that either.
I think that when I look in the mirror and see myself and THINK that I AM PRETTY - I am almost SHOCKED by IT - not kidding....
I find that SO sad...
I know that some of that is my head and some of it is the opinion of others (that I have internalized & STILL hear from them, too)
about ME or my body BUT their OPINIONS are NOT ME.
I really DONT know WHO I am and WHO I want to be - at times I am afraid of deciding that because I fear disapproval.
I have survived this far in life depending on the approval of other people to get my needs met and I have little if NO self-identity because I spent SO much time being what and HOW other people wanted me to be.
I know some women say "you dont need a man to validate you blah blah
blah"
that is NOT why I want a man in my life -
I want to be well enough to have a healthy relationship with a man.
now I guess I am just obese/overweight.
In the morning most of the times I could care less about food and some days I could care less about food. (DOESNT mean I DONT eat!)
Unfortunately other days I cant stop eating and at night seems to be my time for getting into food. Especially when watching TV for some reason.
I am working on drinking lots of water.
I live in AZ and right now I wake up VERY dry
like you just cant imagine. It is weird I can drink
32 or 64 ounces of water and just start to feel
not so dry and end up drinking almost 200 ounces a day sometimes.
( I am NOT diabetic JUST had labs this week and DOC said "NO" everything is GOOD)
Actually I am sure that my body MUST need it so I am now doing my best to give it what it needs.
I also am working on giving my body 100-150 grams of protein and whatever potassium - not sure what amount, but I have been low before
and it makes me very tired...and low energy.
I am also working on listening to myself and letting myself have what I want to eat no matter what it is which is sometimes a little hard for me to do or live with after I eat but I am doing it.
I want to stop feeling so massively deprived NOT only of food but of other things too.
Those other things are harder for me to do right now so I am working on meeting my body's needs right now.
I do think with this certain friends & some online groups I belong to I do get part of my need for unconditional love and support met even though it is not usually in person.
I am also working on finding out what my other needs are since a long long time ago when I was a child I decided to NOT need anything - as much
as I possibly could - because IF I needed something IT could be taken away at ANY time too. scary I know.....
I have lived for SO long in deprivation through diets, doing without financially and emotionally
really having as little needs as I could do with that my sense of deprivation is SO
deeply imbedded in me.
I am afraid to want things NOT just food, but that too.
At my highest weight I weighed 296, in 2001 I had weight loss surgery and lost just over 110 pounds.
I am working to remember THAT and be grateful for THAT, but I am having a hard time with my body and my weight and coming to terms with
them both.
I dont have an idea for myself of WHAT is OKAY for ME, my body/weight or my life....
I am afraid to decide these things because I totally fear disapproval from other people, BUT
I am working on overcoming this CRAP because it SUCKS royally!
I have a hard time believing that I am pretty or that a man would even want to be with me for anything but sex. (happened w/ 2
different men - one wanted sex only and the other wanted what I did for him - BUT neither WANTED ME FOR MORE LT - I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for either of them apparently.
I have a hard time believing that people like me too. I have had former friends turn on me or reject me for this reason or that reason.
I have a really hard time trusting people to treat me right.
Sometime I almost expect people to mistreat me because it has happened SO many times before.
I am working on seeing myself in positive ways - pretty, talented, smart - confident - but it is scary for me -
I notice that when I look in the mirror I dont always see me as pretty and much of the time I dont think that either.
I think that when I look in the mirror and see myself and THINK that I AM PRETTY - I am almost SHOCKED by IT - not kidding....
I find that SO sad...
I know that some of that is my head and some of it is the opinion of others (that I have internalized & STILL hear from them, too)
about ME or my body BUT their OPINIONS are NOT ME.
I really DONT know WHO I am and WHO I want to be - at times I am afraid of deciding that because I fear disapproval.
I have survived this far in life depending on the approval of other people to get my needs met and I have little if NO self-identity because I spent SO much time being what and HOW other people wanted me to be.
I know some women say "you dont need a man to validate you blah blah
blah"
that is NOT why I want a man in my life -
I want to be well enough to have a healthy relationship with a man.
