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I am 7 days away from the big 3-0 and I've always dreaded becoing the big 3-0... but with all the wonderful things that are going on in my life how can I complain?  I've lost 75lbs in six months and I'm wearing a size 12 which I haven't worn since I was 13 years old.  Righ now I feel better physically than I did the majority of my 20's.  I am going out with friends tonight to a disco night at a local club and actually feel really good to be going.  Eventhough I can't drink anymore I am still excited to go and be seen?!?  I can't remember ever being excited to be seen by anyone.  I've always been pretty secure with myself but obviously in such a public forum my self image would take the typical blow.  But right now I am happy and much healthier and newly engaged and pretty much on the top of my game.  It's very exciting.  I am a bt worried about the fact that I have begun to get bored with the foods I eat and I've started introducing some things that I would have considered a no no like tortilla chips and pretzels.  I mean what i eat of them is drastically limited but some day my restriction might not be as good and hell I'll need to rely on me.  And hell that was always my problem before, self regulation.  I just keep telling myself to take a deep breathe and go day by day.  Wedding planning sucks and my fiance might get laid off so that makes a wedding plan useless since we couldn't spend the money anyway.

But my surgery has been the highlight of it all... wouldn't change it for the world! 

Well Christmas is fast approaching but I have been so bad about updating that I just knew I had to make the time.  I am feeling really really good these days.  I have lost something like 65 pounds since surgery and I am about 5 months out.  My weight loss has hit a plateau right about now but I am not afraid.  I know it will pick up again.

I've started trying to get back on the band wagon about the exercise.  This surgery has given me a new outlook regarding food.  However it has not changed my attitude about exercise.  And it truly is an attitude problem.  I feel so much more mobile and when I have gotten on a treadmill I can walk so much faster with so much more ease than ever before.  I barely break a sweat.  I even ran the three blocks to my car the other day.  But even this new found mobility does not seem to give me the will and want to get out there and exercise.  I know I have to do this.  I am trying to work it out with myself.  I'll let you know how that goes.

My hair is leaving my head at an alarming rate.  I may be the first person ever to go completely bald from this surgery.

Syntrax makes a protein powder called Nectar and it is freaking delicious.  It is well worth the cash.

I continue to look for a calcium that is more efficient.  4 pills a day seems like so much.  It's like the holy grail.  I am searching for calcium citrate, with 500mg of calcium per pill, with magnesium, zinc, and vitamin D in it as well.  Haven't found one yet god damn it!

I am 183 lbs, a size 14 and really really pleased with my journey so far.  I am at my high school graduation weight.  I have 53 more lbs to go to my personal goal weight of 130.

That is what I've been telling everyone who asks "How are you doing" and let me tell you it is like 20 people a day who ask how you are, hou you feel, how much have you lost.  No one gave a rats ass how I felt when I was fat but now everyone is interested.  I'm not bitter I just find it funny!

I'm still waiting for the energy boost everyone talks about.  I feel good, not overly tired, but not anymore energized than I did presurgery.  I've started losing weight again and I'm down to 214... so almost 35 lbs.  And again I've not gone back to the gym yet so I can only imagine I would be losing faster if I was.  I took the first step by switching my gym membership from a Bally's far away to the one closer to home.  And this one has alot of group exercise classes so i suppose I will try those instead of the personal training for a bit.  I have interest in trying some yoga but I feel held back by my rolly-polly-ness.  Not sure I can do it but maybe I'll try.  I've been walking a bunch more and feel a bit lighter on my feet, but as I said I'm still tired most of the time.

Everything I have eaten has gone down just fine.  Now remember I've stuck to the plan and only eaten protein and veggies and some fruits.  So by everything I mean limited everythings, but still it's been a better experience so far for me than some people have had.  I am grateful.

And it feels amazing again to shop.  Now I refuse to replace my wardrobe 100 times but I did go out and buy a new dress for a wedding I went to this past weekend.  2 months ago I would have been looking in the 22-20's and this weekend I was able to wear a 14-16 depending on the cut.  Now my ass has not gotten the message that we had WLS so my pants are still 18's but in a skirt, dress and top I am in a 14-16 .... so YAY for me!

Things with my honey have been going well, we had a bit of a rocky start but I think we have both settled down now and seem to have hit a smooth patch in our relationship.  It's interesting that (unfortunately for him) he's on this journey with me.  But I suppose in the end it will help us to be stronger.

I have also had a small relapse.  I was doing really great tracking my food on the daily plate.  But I've fallen off the wagon, like I do all the time with food tracking, and I've not been doing it for almost a week.  I want to get back to it but it's so much easier to just "forget".  This lead me to have a moment of panic earlier today regarding my "life style changes".  I mean am I really commiting the way I will need to?  Am I able to make the changes nescessary to sustain me after the honeymoon period is over?  Will I be one of those unfortunate people who gained it back?  I hate my self imposed overanalysis, but I guess I only have a year to answer these questions for myself.
 

I must say that I've thought about posting here at least twice a week in the past few but just haven't found the time.  I've been doing very well.  The pain in my ab muscles has finally gone away and I am feeling pretty good.  My energy levels have not experienced any skyrocket effect just yet.  but I am a patient woman.  I also had a stall.  For two weeks I did not lose a pound barely.  And let me tell you it is scary cause you are "barely " eating anything and you can't imagine how you couldn't be losing weight.  But then I got on the scale today and voila!  i lost another 3 pounds.  So I'm feeling pretty good.  I've not started back to the gym yet.  I told myself I would give it a whole 8 weeks to make sure everything was healed.  I'm super worried about a hernia and don't want to push it.  i mean I walk and all but the weight lifting I have not gone back to yet.  So I'll give another few weeks and then I think I really need to lift weights.  Again I'm not feeling any extra energy but I'll jusr drag my tired ass there like I did presurgery.

My skin in my arms and stomach is already feeling a bit loose and I can only imagine how bad it's gonna get.  And my boobs are so much smaller and weird looking.  I KNOW I am going to want plastics.  But hell 30lbs gone and 80 more to go! 

I was doing very well with very little pain to speak of until Saturday.  My best explaination would be that I ripped open a part of an incision on the inside.  I was bending over and putting the dog in her cage when I got the sharpest most painful burning stab in my stomach to the left of my belly button.  Now this is the same area that was sore after surgery.  SORE not f*CKing burning stabbing hot pain in my stomach.  All I can think is that I ripped out a stitch or something in the tissue below the skin because the skin looks fine and I'm not convinced it is the muscle since flexing the muscle by sucking it in doesn't really hurt.  But let me move the wrong way and holy hell it's enough to make me cry.  I guess I won't be doing sit ups anytime soon.  I am just so angry with myself because i was so careful not to hurt myself and then I guess I forgot for one minute that I had even had surgery and BAM I hurt myself.  I have to go back to work on Friday so I hope it feels better by then. 

I had a bridal shower to attend today.  Family functions like this really cause me to be a bit sad.  It is super complicated and the reasons are many but all in all when fored to attend a family function I am forced to face how substandard my family is.  In addition I am the "failure" of the family that everyone is looking at like "geeze I wonder if SHE will ever get married... porr thing"  Blah blah blah!

I was just proud of myself for packing my own food and answering all the questions and taking all the compliments.  Now "taking" a compliment might seems weird but you see all these "compliments" are coming from a bunch of people who made a bigger deal over 25 lb weight loss then when I  earned my masters degree in genetics.  I can tell you which I think was a bigger accomplishment.

All they care about is being beautiful, finding a man and I mean any man to marry you, pushing out a few kids, and argueing amongst themselves.  And I sometimes wonder how I got so screwed up?!?

But I did good for myself, packed my own food, ate what I was supposed to, drank alot of water and even walked around the room for a bit.  I did good for me and I am proud.

A small aside, it is so strange that my old tummy still rumbles.  It must have missed the memo that it has been replaced!

I am glad to be doing some puree food.  Yogurt never tasted so good.  I can finally sneeze without serious pain in my abdomen and I can lay on my side again.  My wounds look like little scratches at this point... except the infected one which is getting better all on it's own.  I have a small lump in my stomach that is sore to the touch... it is quite a distance from any incisions but my guess is that it is a swollen lymph gland.  If it is still there at my post-op I will ask the surgeon about it.

I got an email from my NUT today that was disappointing.  Everyone and I mean everyone said that they ate refried beans at this stage and then in an email she said not to.  Here are excerpts from her email and for some reason it all just disappointed me.  I thought i was very knowledgeable about what to eat here...

"Roxanne- my concern with the beans is that even pureed they are a starch and a high fiber one-so I would worry about digestion and pain from either incomplete carb digestion and/or gas production this soon after surgery- although I am only speculating. I usually say to wait on the high fiber foods. "

And a question about hot sauce....

"Hot sauce is fine, but a lot of patients experience reflux/pain with spicy too soon after surgery. I usually rec starting bland-it's up to you. "

Well I'm gonna try the beans... I guess if I get too gassy I can take some Gas-X.

Well it seems that I have now developed another small problem.  One of my incisions is open and oozing puss.  Gross.  Again I called Dr. Gagne after hours and got a call from hi while he was at home.  Bless that man.  He told me just to keep it clean with soap and water... to keep it dry ... and let it drain.  Ewwww.  Al I can say is that I hope this will not become a problem.  I've read about many people with chronic infections that need packed and scraped and reopened for months.  Yeah these little set backs are getting a bit old... but I should thank God cause it could be worse.  I think I am going to church tomorrow to offer some prayers on my own behalf.

Additionally tomorrow is my last day of liquids only.  And let me tell you I am so glad.  I'm not sure I could do one more day without some kind of chewable food.  I now understand why this is a journey for sure. 

What to say about my surgery.  Well I was the lucky third patient out of like 1200 that my surgeon has seen to develop debilitating nausea following surgery.  I was so sick I chose to take myself back to the hospital the day after discharge for a readmit for 3 days of IV fluids.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with me except some moderately low potassium levels.  I got 3 days of IV fluids with vitamins and extra potassium and my favorite drug ever... Zofran. 

Here's the story.  I was nauseated the whole time in the hospital and they gave me Zofran in my IV and it helped.  Then when I was discharged on Wednesday they sent me home with Compazine.  Well the compazine didn't work at all.  I fought the good fight until Thursday afternoon when I felt like I could just lay down and cry I was so nauseated.  As a side note I never vomited.  I called the doctor's answering service and he called me from home ...told me to try two pills.  Also said if it was serious after that I could chose to go to the ER.  2 hours later and I was ready to go back to the hospital.  I was readmitted and Dr. Gagne kept me until Saturday.  I went home this time with Zofran which I had to take until Monday and then it magically went away as unexpectedly as it had appeared.

The long and short of it is that:
A) Of all the complications I could have had nausea was minor
B) Zofran is fabulous
C) Everyone's experience is different
D) Dr. Gagne is the shiznit cause he never made me feel like a whiner or baby about the whole thing.  He did everything he could to assure I was kept comfortable and healthy.  He was the absolute best surgeon I could have asked for.  Additionally given my surgery being bumped into a later time slot which didn't get me out of the OR until 6pm and his 6am, 12pm, and 3pm visits everyday I was admitted and his office hours I have no clue when he eats, sleeps, or spends time with his friends and family.  HE IS A SAINT!  

Since I have been home I am feeling very well.  The actual pain from the surgery is negligible and the worst part so far is the gross poops I've had.  One word of advice... take your own toilet paper to the hospital of you may be there at the time of your first bm.  I mean seriously you have never had such explosive liquid diarrhea.  I was completely unprepared.

My surgeon wants me to take 2 weeks of fluids so I have 3 more days of full fluids which have included 20 oz water, 30 oz Crystal Light, 11oz sugar free Carnation Instant Breakfast, 8oz of soy milk, and 8oz of skim milk warmed with a half packet of sf hot cocoa.  Haven't had any problems keeping any of that down but I am driking all day and night.  I am somewhat tired all day and physical exercise is very limited.  But I think it will all get better once I am on mushy foods.

That's all I have energy for right now.  I'll update daily if I can.

It still feels unreal.  I can hardly imagine that I will be having surgery in 2 weeks.  I've ordered some Unjury protein samples and I think I am going to go with the bariatric advantage vitamins right now for the first three months.  I figure I will be spending almost nothing on food so I might as well get the good vitamins to start.

I've told my bf that he will be on his own for food for a while since I have no plan to cook for him and not be able to have any myself.  I wonder how mothers do it.  I mean you can't really chose to not feed the kids right?

 People keep asking if I am nervous or excited.  Those seem to be the two emotions people are expecting.  The funnt thing is that i am not sure I am either or maybe I am both.  Personally I think I am having all 7 of the identifiable human emotions and they are so jumbled that I am registering more of a numb feeling.  By next weekend I can guarantee that anxiety and fear will win out, but that's just my personality.

This whole process is so alien and exciting and scary.  Someone should do honest research about the pre-op process and the toll it takes down to the last moments.