The Fear of Impermanence

Apr 25, 2013

Weight loss tickers are a blessing and a curse, in my humble opinion. Every time I see a tracker in someone’s signature line, I worry about the sentence that often follows: “X number of pounds, gone forever!”

Forever is a very long time.

In fact, to stay at the same weight even on a weekly basis is very close to impossible. Everything from plain water to hormones affect how the body uses the energy we provide via food. When I did do daily weigh-ins, there was almost always a difference day-to-day, sometimes as much as 4-5 lbs. That isn’t a bad thing. It just means that my body was working differently at that moment. Maybe I was stressed out and it caused my body to release a whole bunch of cortisol, which has been shown to stall weight loss. Maybe I over-salted dinner the night before and was retaining water. Maybe I gained some muscle from weight training, but didn’t lose any fat (yet).

This is all a pretty roundabout way of saying it, but the weight is never gone forever. As much as we want to believe that we are entirely in control, we are simply not. Yes, you’ll lose weight as long as your body is using more energy than you feed it, but it’s not a linear thing. It’s up and down, and it will always be up and down.

And to be entirely honest, there are times when it won’t matter to you. There will be times when you do not care. Last fall, I watched my mother-in-law slowly lose her battle with ovarian cancer. I confided in a friend at the time that I wasn’t sure I could be there when she passed. I’d never seen a person die, and the thought of it terrified me to the point of hyperventilation. As it grew more imminent, I felt tension run through every muscle and joint in my body. All the yoga and running in the world did nothing to make me feel better. I did what I always do when I’m mad at life and cooked, because it’s soothing to me. I spent entire days standing in my kitchen with bad reality television on in the background while beating the hell out of batches of bread dough. My heart felt broken, and I didn’t give a damn about food.  Every time I wanted to complain that I wasn’t losing weight and it must be because I was eating like a pig, I thought of my mother-in-law stuck in the world’s shittiest situation. She couldn’t get up, walk around, go outside…and she couldn’t eat at all. She would barely touch watered down ginger ale. Worst of all, she was trapped there knowing that there was only one way it was going to end. During the last few awful weeks my husband and I would drive home from his parents’ house late at night and immediately turn into the strip mall, stop at Rite Aid, and buy a candy bar for each of us. We freely admitted to one another that it was “eating our feelings.” And as much as I wanted to care…I couldn’t. I couldn’t care about anything except to worry about what the next day would bring to a situation wherein I had not one ounce of control.

She left us in October, exactly four months to the day after my husband and I got married. Eventually, I was able to mourn and deal with the hurt in other ways, but not before I’d put on a bit of weight. All I could do was what I’d tell anyone else: Have compassion for yourself. What is past cannot be undone, so you might as well move forward from here.

To say that I have lost 140 lbs forever is a complete, utter lie. I’d like to think that I will never allow myself to become overweight again, but I will not always be my very thinnest. And that’s okay. That’s something to be aware of and accept. Because the last thing I want is for every weight gain to send me into a puddle of tears and a downward spiral. As soon as the self-hate starts, so do the binges.

Do not fear the impermanence of the situation. Hard work and focus pay off, even when you wander off into the field from time to time. A good friend told me once to remember that two steps forward and one back is still progress, so when I feel like I’m failing myself, I try to remember that.

Have compassion for yourself today. Remember that "doing your best" means something different every day. We are not robots, and each day brings new feelings and challenges. Take your ego out of the situation and respect what your body and mind can do in the moment.

A number does not define your success. It's the other victories like physical fitness, a longer and healthier life, and feeling more confident that really change your perspective. And while the number may not be permanent, the lessons you learn along the way can always be kept with you. And I guess that is really what this all boils down to:

Value the lessons and the experience, not the number on the scale.

Oh, and don't forget to enjoy life while you're at it.

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