Pondering...

Mar 11, 2010

It's been a few days since I got the news of my surgery date. It feels real now, as I've mentioned, and I'm finding myself thinking in more optimistic terms now - I'm too pragmatic for my own good sometimes, but am working on that. I find my thoughts wandering to more tangible after effects of surgery and the subsequent weight loss. The primary reason I started this was, and still is really, getting off all of the freaking meds. They are f'ing up my memory in a big way. I feel dull and have to work too hard to track and keep things straight. It really impacted my work, but I was able to find other ways to deal with it, making lists, notes, and the like. I was laid off then and have had to deal with the emotional toll of losing my job and livelihood. This has been an interesting mix of thoughts, feelings and emotions in the last month. I put the WLS on the shelf in a way, and just knew it was lingering out on the horizon. Now, though, it's come to the forefront of my consciousness now that I have the date.

I have been looking for a new job, as I'm required in order to maintain my unemployment benefits, but will hit it much harder after the initial bump of weight loss from pre-surgical liquids and post surgical restrictions. From what I am reading, it could be as much as 30 lbs. That'd be cool as since my overall goal is 100 lbs, a third of the way in 6 weeks or so would be really great! I would feel and look much better and not so afraid of being discriminated against for being so overweight. That feels much better for me to think about than taking such huge hits to my self confidence being overweight and trying to compete for jobs in this horrible market. I don't care what anyone says, fat people ARE thought to be lazy and under performing. I'm so tired of feeling that people think that I'm lazy and stupid because I'm overweight!

The more subtle good things that are creeping into my thoughts are things like wearing those really cute little track suits - the ones with stretchy pants and a zip up matching jacket that look good on thinner people. I love those little jackets from North Face and they seem to fit so well on a cute figure. How fun if I would get to a point of wearing those.....and with skinny jeans! wahoo! I love clothes and when I was thinner, I loved putting together cute outfits and accessories. Now I just enjoy shoes and handbags. Don't get me started about my handbag collection! After I lose weight I will get to have really cute clothes to go with my handbags!

I've thought about how my husband might look at me and how he'll think about me after some weight loss. He always is so supportive and says he loves me just as I am, and I wasn't skinny when I met him, but I was thinner. He tells me I'm pretty and that he would love me and want me no matter what. I can't ask for any better than that, especially when I feel so unattractive and undesirable. I look forward to being someone he'll be proud to walk down the street with, or be seen with at a company function. I know his friends and acquaintances like me and don't judge me, they are that quality of people for the most part, but how fun it will be to walk into an event or function looking really good by his side and know he feels very proud to be seen with me and maybe turning some heads. I don't mean to sound superficial, but I want to give him that. He deserves it...he's so good to me and for me and loves me so much. I adore him and want to be my best for myself, for him, and for us together.

Mostly, though, I've been thinking of how this can be a real boon to my self image and self esteem. I've taken some hard hits the last 10 years through life events. There has been a lot of wonderful things happen too, but it's all been covered with a dark cloud of some challenging situations, and me feeling worse and worse about myself as a result. I want to clear the clouds and smell the fresh air and have a good start, feeling good about life and myself. The meds seem to cause a haze to my psyche too, so having those go away will be a great boon to me. 

I will keep thinking about all of this and how it will help me through these times. What a nice coincidence all of this is happening now. I am getting fresh starts in my life and my career. Who knows what the future will bring, but I know it will not include me feeling so horrible about being fat. I'm beginning to feel a small tingle of excitement in my heart. I hope that keeps growing as these last few weeks go by before surgery!

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