BarbDahl77
Trying to Name the Unnamed Feeling...
Oct 01, 2010
I have been in something of a blah mood this week…and part of me thinks I might have figured out partially why…Or at least put a name to that unnamed feeling…or concern…What if I have this surgery and it doesn’t change anything? What if I am still as unhappy as I am now? I don’t need to spend nearly $30,000 and be miserable. I mean, I’ve lost 55lbs since May, and I am happier to the extent that I am more mobile and can do more things – walk, get around, etc. Last year, I never would have gone to the farm. I would have given my Mom the money to take the kids [my “nieces”] and told her to have fun and tell me all about it. I was the one who suggested it. We’ve been there twice, and I want to go back once more time before I closes for the season on Halloween. I guess I am worried that I won’t have any friends @ 130-150ish pounds, just like I didn’t @ 392. I work in a home office, so I don’t see anyone. I don’t leave my house most days. Except to go to dr’s appointments as of late. I have been to two support group meetings so far, and I am the youngest one there probably by about at least 10 years, and everyone is married. The people I hang out with the most are my Mom and my almost 16 year old niece. Part of me is afraid that after surgery, and I lose a good chunk of my weight, the 16 yo may not want to hang out with me anymore. She has her own issues with weight [insert rant on her useless parents here]. And she is close to, or is 200lbs. At the farm, she wouldn’t go down the big inflatable or go on the go-karts. I finally was able to get her to tell me why, and it was what I feared it was – she was afraid they would give out/not support her weight the way they should. So I am afraid for how me going from being two of her, to being less then her, is going to effect our relationship… She was born when I was 17. She really is more like my daughter then anything else. There really isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for this kid, so to even think that there might be a strain in our relationship makes me sick to my stomach…
But yeah, I just got sidetracked in my thoughts and tears…but going back to my original thoughts…My family just isn't/doesn’t/is incapable of doing “happy”. I don’t know if it is a genetic defect within all of us or if it is punishment that has been enacted on us for some ancestors indiscretions, or what the frig it is…but we don’t do “happy”…and, and I don’t know…It sucks, I know that much. I know they say you make your own happiness. And I am trying to do that. And having surgery is a tremedous step in that direction, but I am just so afraid that like everything else it will just be a colossal amount of wasted time and energy and money...because once something is broke and damaged, even after it is “fixed” it is still somewhat damaged. And damaged goods are always left in the reject and slightly irregular pile.
