Bee518

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I am very discouraged. I feel like I went through all of this for nothing. I am almost two years out and I am still a "BIG" girl, started at 310 before surgery, 298 day of surgery and here I am almost two yrs out and I'm 284, WTF!!. I exercise all the time eat very well. I obviously can't eat nearly as much as I used to but still nothing!! I am so at my breaking point!! Why is this not working for me??? DAMN IT!!

So I'm starting to realize that I have to deal with the issues that made me gain weight from the beginning because those issues are why I haven't been as successful as I want to be in this journey. As I began to deal with these things I realize this maybe more difficult than losing the weight. I pray for strength during this time of revelation... I know it won't be easy but its a must if I want to concur this weight battle because they are directly related. To be continued...

Well its been like forever since I've posted and for more reasons than one... I have been having a really hard time with this weight loss even still...I am really struggling. I have loss 35lbs then gained like 10 lbs then loss 5 but for the most part been at a complete stand still for months... I have become very depressed at times and wondering was this all worth it... I have a hard time facing the fact that I made the biggest decision in my life and it has not gone the way I hoped it would. i am 10 months out and totally unsatisfied... I look for support but cant seem to find any... I look for answers but cant seem to find any... yet and still I will try to remain on course and hopefully somewhere the hopes I had for myself will one day be realized... I promised to posted the good the bad and the ugly...so here I am unleashed and uncut... I plan to post more often maybe it'll help me to release some of the anger I feel for going to such a drastic measure and now feeling defeated... :Lord please help me to conquer this everlasting fight... Blessings and Guidance!! Peace to the Most High!!

Today I got my first fill. This was a very interesting experience. First they fill for the port site, then they wipe it down with betadine, take a really small needle and numb the site with Lidocaine, then take this huge(long) needle and feel around on the inside for the port injection site. It took all of 10 minutes maybe a little more. The nurse said because I have a lot of scar tissue it was hard to find but as I loose weight it will become much easier. I'm on clear liquids for two days then on to nice, sensible, healthy eating habits. I haven't taken any pics yet because I can't see a difference to photograph. I'm still at -26 lbs and I'm not tripping because I don't know when the last time was I lost any weight at all. I will keep you guys posted. Thanks OH Fam.

Well I've been lurking for a couple weeks now, not really knowing what to say. Well I don't feel much restriction and can't wait to get a fill. I have been told by a few people that I look like I'm loosing weight, of course none of them know that I had surgery, so that's good. Now that I'm eating food and not really feeling restriction I find myself up and down in emotions. I really don't know how to feel. I haven't had anything that I shouldn't have really but I think I am still able to consume too much. I'm trying not to be to hard on myself considering I'm only a little over a month out and no fill yet. So we will see how this goes.

Well I'm two weeks out yesterday and the hard part has really kicked in for me. Starting to eat a little food and having to learn to eat slowly. I don't feel a lot of restriction but I do get full quicker than I use to. I'm really nervous because the taste of real food had kinda turn my food junkie back on. I want everything. My senses are so much sharper , I can smell everything,  food wise, its crazy. As I digress, I am just hoping things continue to go well. So wish me luck!! Peace.


Bee

Hey all, I just wanted to add my little 2 cents. I have to be honest and say I was totally sad about the passing of our dear King of Pop. I found myself crying and wondering why at the same time, then felt I should embrace my feelings. My phone was flooded with calls and texts messeges last night because everyone who knows me knows I love me some MJ, I couldn't take it so I cut my phone off. And to make it worse my seven yr old daughter loves him even more. For the last two yrs when asked what she wanted for her birthday she would answer " I can't have what I want" and when asked what's that she would reply "To see Michael Jackson". I had promised her that if/when he came back to the states to perform that I would make damn sure we saw him, no matter how much it cost or how far we had to travel. Her grandma had decided that she may have to take her to Europe to him and if so she would. I was too torn up to tell her of his passing so I took her to her dad's so he could explain it to her. I'm sadden of his passing but more so sadden that I will never get the chance to take my daughter to see him. He will be truly missed but we have all of his music and videos so he will live on in my house for generations to come. Thanks MJ for 45 yrs of the best music to ever massage my eardrums. Much love.

Sidenote: You gotta know he's bad when someone born in 2001 loves him as much us "old heads" do if not more.

Peace yall, sorry it was so long but I had to get that off my chest.

Bee

So today makes a week since surgery and things are coming along. I'm looking forward to starting on full liquids today. When this journey began I was weighing 305 and gained another five during the waiting period. The day of my pre-op appt I weighed 310 that was June 1st. By the surgery date I weighed 298.7. Today I weigh 288.2. Giving me an approximate 22lb loss since June 1st, 12 pre-op, 10 post op. I can't imagine why I wouldn't lose because I havent had any food in a week and a half. I think the big test will come when I began to eat food. Well I plan to remain vigilant and go head on with this weigh like the Spartans against the Persians. I know that quite an analogy but that's how I feel like a really small strong force against a massive strong force(food and weight). I will be as King Leonidas was. And even more like David, I am walking straight up to my lions(food and weight) and they will become as kittens because I am a child of God and he has brought me a mighty long way and I know he will continue to carry me through this storm, I see the sunshine peaking through those storm clouds, and I am already rejoicing. I know there may be, forget that, will be some hard times ahead, but I got my armor on and I'm ready for the fight. Bring it On!!


disclaimer: Don't take this and hold my hard times against me...I promised to blog the good, the bad and the ugly.

Bee

Well yall it's been 3days since my surgery and I must say its not as easy for me as a lot of folks make it out to be. I've been having a a lot of gas pains, which I expected, but its harder to move than I expected. Gas-X does help a little but not a whole lot. The soreness is starting to ease up but at this moment its the gas thats making it hard to breath. This I know will pass but right now it seems like an eternity. So my mom is still here, she leaves tomorrow and I'm sad and glad at the same time. Right now she's standing behind me in the kitchen frying some fish, now I don't know if this is on purpose or what but who in the hell told her that surgery took my sense of smell away. I know that others have to eat and I can't get all upset but dang... I can't wait til she leaves so I can have a non-food smelling house. Last night it was BBQ chicken wings her and my so called BFF, the night before it was shrimp pasta, my favorite!! Are they trying to torture me or something? Are they trying to see how much will power I have or something?? I mean damn even if I wanted to right now I couldn't I'm only 3 days out of surgery I ain't about to hurt myself. Anyway is it normal to began to have mood swings?? I think I'm beginning to get really easily aggitated?? If so no one warned me of this. I don't feel really well, I'm gasy, I feel so alone in this, and now I don't even know if I'm hungry or not. As I sit here sipping on Crystal Light, trying to pass gas, I began to wonder, will I be successful??Or will this just be another drastic attempt to loose weight to no avail... I need yall right now OH family...I'm struggling and only 3 days out!!!

Help!!

I got home yesterday evening after surgery around about 4:30 pm. Surgery went well. I have been moving around really well. I'm a bit sore of course but nothing to complain about or that a little Lortab can't handle. A little gasy, that's slowly but surely moving. I've been drinking alot of Propel water so far nothing else. I've been peeing alot and I think thats good, no bowel movements as of yet but I kinda expected that. I'm really excited about the journey ahead and I'm glad I made the choice to take my life back. I will be keep yall posted good, bad, pretty and ugly.

until later...

Peace