ann M.

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I've lost most of my excess weight and am pretty close to a normal bmi.  I find myself in a strange mind space.  I am finding myself equivocating on what my "goal weight" is now that I'm getting close.  I'm pretty satisfied with my loss, appearance, and health. 

It's just that I've always been in a cycle of gaining or losing weight all of my teenage and adult life.  I'm scared of leaving the weight loss cycle behind and accepting maintenance phase.  I lack faith that I'll be able to maintain.  I'm rather terrified that I'll skip maintenace and jump right back into gaining.  My logical brain knows that I'm being ridiculous and that I can't keep losing weight forever.  But my emotional self seems to be kicking logic's ass.  I find myself wanting to cut back on what I'm eating- to start dieting.  It's stupid.  I know it's stupid.  And I'm not giving in to the urge, but man it's hard.  It is just so bizarre to fight the urge to make sure I eat instead verses the old desires of wanting to always eat and depriving myself.

Sorry for the ramble. And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  Just felt the need to share with some who might be able to get where I'm coming from.

April 2nd is my 2 yr surgiversary.  I've lost about 145 lbs, wear a size 10-12, and have about a 26.5 BMI.  I am not actively trying to lose anymore.  But I seem to be slowly losing size/ weight.  I now fit into a pair of pants that I couldn't wear on New Year's.  Most of my jeans require a belt an hour after I put them on.  I wouldn't mind floating down to 155 and normal BMI, but truly and honestly it is not something I'm willing to work hard for (routine exercise, massively limiting carbs, etc...).  My primary goal now is to maintain under 170 lbs. 

I still make sure I get in over 100 grams of quality protein a day.  30 grams of this comes in the form of a protein shake.  I really only count the protein grams from meat, dairy/cheese, and eggs.  Not the nuts, grains, soy, etc.  I normally have a protein shake on my way into work.  Then I make a large can of tuna salad and eat on triscuits or cheese chunks throughout the day.  Or deli rolls with cream cheese, etc.  I prefer snacking as to big meals, and am really low carb during the workday.  I usually have my protein requirements in by work's end.  That leaves me free to eat a balanced meal with the family, and usually a horrible for me snack (cookies or candy) .  Weekends are way less regimented.

I've become a bit of a vitamin hippie.  I try to keep it under control, but I really find it interesting in how all of our vites and minerals interact to keep us healthy.  So many things can be resolved without the use of drugs.  Friends and family beware :0)  I absolutely love VITALADY products and all the free knowledge she shares with us.  BEAM ME UP SCOTTY deserves an honorable mention for bringing her to the DS Forum.  I've surfed a couple other forums and it's really scary at the knowledge disparity- especially concerning vit D, calcium, and PTH.  Thanks to Julie and MajorMom for really working so hard at keeping us up to date with recent studies and products to combat osteoporosis.

My WOW's
-I wake up well rested!!!
-I play basketball with my son in the driveway; Even taught him how to box out.  The little punk knocked me on my backside.  I guess he's a quick learner.
-My daughter agreed to play rec volleyball this summer...If I would coach!!! She is almost 13 and normally mortally afraid that her friends may discover that she has parents, and GASP!, they participate in her life.  Of course I agreed.  I have confidence that I'll have the stamina and energy even after long days at work.

My DS has done exactly what I hoped for.  It has made me an active participant in my life.  I feel like I fit in, no matter where I go.  I am once again healthy and active.  Only now I am not constantly obsessed with food and calories and diets.  I feel free from obesity for the first time in my life since early childhood.  I always felt like Obesity was chasing me, and by 28 I got tired of running, and the bitch caught me and kicked my ass.

My DS gave me the ability to go in for a rematch and come out on top.  Game Over.  I won. 

I have to document this...this month has been amazing for me on so many levels.  I need to put it into words so that I can remember to be grateful for how far I've come.  From being a sneeze away from SMO to overweight.  From 312 lbs to 183 lbs.  From size 28W to size 12 / 14...No W.  From being out of breath walking 30 feet and struggling to put on my own shoes to almost limitless energy.  From using my clothes to try to hide to using clothes and styles to accentuate.  From existing/observing to actively participating.

My job situation has become precarious.  I work on a security contract that ends in January.  I know that my company's contract will not be renewed because we will not qualify under the new contract requirements (going to small business set aside).  I also know that chances are not good for me to transfer to the company the contract is awarded to-as I am mid level management and they generally want to bring in their own guys...soooo....what to do?  Get additional credentials that make me more employable in my field.  This meant a fairly arduous shooting and asp course as part of the certification. It also meant a month of 16 to 18 hour days. This course has an over 50% fail rate.  And guess what?!?  I passed...I excelled...I scored highest in the course for my entire class.  I stood out in the sun and 90 degrees and knealed and stood and squatted into tactical positions and used my body in a very physical way for two weeks and excelled!!!  This means so much to me.  I have guaranteed my employment future.  I am ready to put myself out there to find the best job I can.  I stood out in my course for all the right reasons, and none of the wrong.  I could not imagine succeeding at this (and *gasp* enjoying it) at over 300 lbs.  It had the huge potential of being a mortifying experience and I had avoided it for several years for just that reason.

Now on to the beach vacation....yes you heard me.  Beach vacation.  Swim suits in public on a hot beach- I love,love, love tankini skirts.  Hiking sand dunes to fly kites with the munchkins.  Shopping at a high end outlet mall and not sticking out-and enjoying it (can you say size 12 Tommy Hilfiger jeans for $14.99-and oh yes they fit baby!).  Sharing a house with two other families and completely blending!  I had so much fun.  It was absolutely amazing to me to be able to wake-up and do breakfast, pack cooler lunches, swim out in the ocean, take long walks on the beach and play with the kids, come back to the beach house and BBQ some dinner, clean-up, play in the swimming pool with the kids, and still have enough left over for DH to talk me into some  after the house quieted down for the night-Just to wake up the next morning and try to fit even more fun stuff in.

This opportunity would not have presented itself if I still weighed 300lbs.  First of all, we would probably not have been invited to join the group of families...not because they descriminate or thought less of me, but because they knew it would not have been something that I could do with them and keep up.  I would have disappointed my kids because I would have done a lot more observing and much less participating.  This vacation was such a blessing. 

I can say I love my life.  This is the life that I was supposed to be living all along.  Thanks to my DS.

I've had some concerns with my surgeon and the DS he gave me.  He makes his stomachs a bit bigger than many of the other surgeons.  His DS'ers don't seem to have the same malabsorption- solely my personal observation; not anything concrete I've seen in writing, etc.  It seems to me that more than a few of his patients have had a tougher time making it to goal.  Add to these little negative thoughts running around my head- that I was my sugeon's last full 1 step DS. I was truly concerned that I was about done losing and that I wouldn't make it out of the 200's.  I would not have been happy, nor would I have been able to convince myself that my surgery was a success- though statistically it was.  I saw myself being on that same emotional roller coaster of trying to lose weight and not being able to.  It was weighing pretty heavily on my mind- read- STRESSING ME THE HELL OUT!!

But I did it!  I left the 200's behind.  I weighed 198.1 today!  I think that this was and will be the hardest milestone for me to reach.  I don't know why those three stupid little pounds (201 vs. 198) had such an effect on my mind, but they did.  I really have hope of getting down to a normal BMI, now.  10 more pounds to leave obesity behind me- hopefully forever.  I'm slowly learning to trust and believe that my DS will lead to a long term resolution of my obesity...I'm not quite there, yet.  But I'm close.  When I find the faith and truly believe that this is a long term solution; that's when I'll truly and deeply love my DS.  I know a bit jaded and cynical perhaps- Fickle, I am not.  Eventually I'll fall in love with my DS...Untill then I am very greatful and happy to have found ONEDERLAND!!!

Suntart started a post that discussed intangible changes related to apetite and drive to eat.  Man I can so relate.  Preop-I could eat. alot. anytime. anywhere.  I pretty much had this insatiable feeling.  There was a permanant internal battle/dialogue going on.  Man I'm hungry...but I just ate...I should just order a salad...but man that burger and milkshake look really good...etc.  It was a constant struggle of what I wanted vs. what I should do.  I was a binge eater, and always looked at everyone else's plate to figure out how much I should have.  I stopped eating when everyone else was done- not because I was full or satisfied.

I did not share my food.  I did not like my family touching the food on my plate.  And none of my family wanted to share a meal with me.  When looking at a menu...it was all about volume.  What would give me alot of food, not necessarily what would taste best.

Though I am relatively early out, I can honestly say my relationship with food has changed so much for the better.  Now I get hungry, I eat.  I stop when I'm full.  There was definitely a learning curve.  I vomitted a 3 or 4 times the first few months.  I let myself get too hungry and then snarfed the food down too quickly.  My stomach got too full, and revolted.  My fault completely, but I learned quickly to eat more often and to slow down. 

Now their is no guilt with food.  I need to eat and often.  My body sends loud and clear signals that it is time to eat and when it's time to stop.  I will order w/ family and often share a meal with DH or DD.  A full rack of ribs or the large steak, we share the salad, they get the bread and potatoes.  They like sharing with me too.  It is absolutely liberating and really improves the family dynamics and enjoyability of a night out.

I've lost 106.7 pounds as of today.  I am losing a bit slower than many.  I am okay with my pace.  I am not as strict with my carbs.  I really just focus on protein.  I definitely allow myself indulgences.  I am all about McD's sugarfree vanilla Latte's.  They are pretty high in carbs, so I keep it down to once a week .  Sometimes twice.

There are so many wonderful things that are happening. 
- I took the kids and their friends rollerskating.  We all had a blast.  All four kids were asleep within 10 minutes of getting in the car.  I outlasted 8 and 11 yr olds!
-I am taking classes.  I walk the couple of blocks for free parking rather than pay for close parking. 
-For one of my class labs, we had to do some stuff with breathing rate.  I volunteered to be the exercise dummy!  In class!  In front of people!

DH tells me that I "am there" that he likes the way I look.  I told him that I'm not ready to stop just yet.  He is understanding and supportive of what I want.  He's a good guy.  I think I'll keep him around for a couple more decades or so.  

My body really likes size 16.  It has really been holding onto it for a while.  This makes sense.  This has been my set point alot of my adult life.  But I've got at least 9 months to teach my body a new set point.  I am liking the thought of 150! I'll take 165 though.

I've lost just over 90 pounds.  I am fitting in 18W jeans and some 16's.  I can wear most XL tops.  I've chosen not to follow-up with my surgeon.  I have lost confidence with their bariatric program.  It just seems ridiculous to me to drive 2 hours for a 15 minute appointment where I will be treated as a number and receive innacurate information on how to properly care for myself.   I am using VitaLaday's recommended vitamin schedule.  My PCP orders the labs I request and I track them on my own, adjusting vites as needed.  It seems to be working so far.  Thank you for the wonderfully knowledgeable NOVA group, DS forum, Vitalady, and Dina McBride for making this possible. 

I've recently gotten results from my DexaScan.  My spinal results show me to be borderline osteopenic.  I think this is mostly genetic and my Vit D being chronically low pre-op.  I am grateful for the results so that I can continue to closely monitor and hopefully improve my scores.

I've found I need one protein shake a day.  I was trying to get my protein through food alone, and it was too hard for me.  The one shake a day just gives me the added insurance that I'm doing okay without having to stress- even when I'm having a not so hungry day.  Eating is fairly easy at this point.  I eat whatever I fix for the family usually just skipping the rice/starch portion of the meal. 

I have found that cravings for sweets and carbs are definitely coming back.  I have to work a little harder to say no to simple carbs.  I am not always successful.  But I am most times.  I am happy with my steady pace of 8 to 10 lbs per month. I seem to lose well for a week, stall for a coupla' weeks, and then lose for a week. I am truly greatful that my DS experience has been relatively easy and problem free. 

My Wows:

I was tucking the kids into bed.  When I leaned down to kiss my daughter, she said "Wow! you can reach me.  I don't have to sit up to reach you!  Then she pulled me the rest of the way down into bed with her.

I fit all the rides at the local theme park!  No worries about buckling safety harnesses.  No bruised hips from trying to fit where I obviously didn't!

My Husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary at the Baltimore Inner Harbor.  We spent lots of time walking and site seeing.  I wore him out!  I felt comfortable in my own skin.  It was an amazing weekend.

Keeping my fingers crossed that my ticker continues to go down and doesn't decide to stop.  I'm not quite ready to stop losing, yet!
 

June 2nd was my two month surgiversary.  I have lost about 42 lbs, about 26% to 28% of my excess weight (can't decide on goal weight).  My pre-surgery tight 26/28 W are looking a bit sloppy.  I'm able to wear 22W to 24W now.

I'm more laid back than most with the DS process.  I'm not formally tracking food.  I just focus on making sure most things I eat have twice as much protein as carbs.  Things I'm loving to eat: 

Hormel's pre-cooked pot roast over a 1/3 to 1/2 small baked potato drenched in butter (thanks Lori B.)
Spicy buffalo wings
Kashi Meditteranean Bruschetta Crackers w/ colby cheese (4 crackers are 15 carbs- i eat two crackers with 2 oz's of cheese, and it keeps me at my 2:1 ratio rule)
Peppridge Farm's low carb bread toasted and loaded with tuna fish, eggs, chicken salad, etc. (5 net carbs, 5 gr protein per slice)
String Cheese
Beef Jerky

I am finding that the protein feels a little better in my stomach with a bit of carbs.  This week, I'm finding eating and drinking to be much less laborious.  I feel I have all my energy back. 

My Wow's
*I have no achy back or knees- even after extended periods of standing and housework.
*People are starting to notice my weight loss.  I look different/ better, but they're not quite sure why. 
*I think much less about food- I am not in a constant battle with myself over what I can and should have.  I am not always inappropriately hungry.  I am satisfied with the food I eat.
* I have to put in an effort to get in enough fat- who woulda' thunk ?!?
* I chaparoned my daughters over-night field trip to a 4H camp on the Appalachain trail- and kept up! I swear everywhere we went was up steep hills or stairs.  I hiked, canoed, shot arrows, played rowdy-sporty games with 7- 5th grade girls and was able to hang both full days without sweating and huffing like a dying beast.  My daughter and I were both amazed and grateful. 

I have had no real bathroom issues.  I lean towards constipation, but adding fat is making it work. 

I get  a bit gaggy when taking my supplements- especially calcium.  This surprises me.  I know it is completely mental.  I can feel myself getting gaggy as I'm reaching for the bottle.  So weird.  I never had issues with pills pre-op.  I used to make fun of my DH for all his fuss and dramatics when he had to take pills.  I guess it's karma.  I'm chicken to start iron- Someone kick me and tell me to just do it!

Life is good.  The DS is great.

I had my surgery on the morning or Thursday, April 2, 2009.  It was all very uneventful.  I remember getting a mild sedative and then waking up in my room.  I don't remember anything in the OR or recovery.

When I woke up I was very tired.  There was mild nausea.  Pain was very minimal.  I had a morphine pain pump.  I used it every time I woke up- rather I felt I needed it or not.  I was woken up to walk Thursday evening. Getting out of bed hurt.  So much so...I refused to get back in.  I slept and relaxed in the recliner in my room.  Walking was not too bad at all.

I had two drains.  They didn't hurt.  They were just there.  My nurses showed me how to strip the lines and empty them.  They were really no big deal.  That's not to say I wasn't glad to get rid of them at my 1 week appointment.

On Friday I felt fear and just a sense of being completely overwhelmed.  I wasn't in pain.  My nausea was well controled.  I'm not sure where those emotions came from.  I was scared that I just wasn't going to be able to do the necessary things to keep myself healthy.  I didn't want to eat or drink.  I was served jello, broth, overly sweetened crystal light, and a protein supplement that I was supposed to mix with one those items.  Thank goodness for IV hydration.  I might have taken in 4 oz's by mouth on friday.  Walking was okay.  It wasn't overly tiring or painful.  Anything by mouth was just hard.  I walked and slept.  I had no interest in the TV, phone, or computer....let alone the novel by a favorite author that I brought.  They took out my catheter.  I couldn't pee.  They reinserted the Cath in the evening just long enough to drain my bladder.  My nurses let me know that I wouldn't be able to go home unless I peed on my own-  No Pressure Jeez.  I was able to go finally in the early morning hours of Saturday

I was released Saturday at noon.  I was feeling much better emotionally.  My IV had been taken out.  I was sipping pretty good.  I was on oral Hydrocodone.  I really had no need for it except at bedtime.  I took it to help me through the night for the first week.  I didn't need it through the day.  I pushed fluids getting about 40-48 oz per day.  I drank alot of milk, SF Chocolate pudding with protein added.  I also ate a lot of small curd cottage cheese with about t teaspoons of salsa mixed in.  It took 6 days before I had my first BM.

By the end of the first week/ start of the second week I was fine to do light grocery shopping and short driving trips.  I spent the day at the park with the kids- lots of walking and watching.  I drove kids to sports practices (10 miles or less).  Turning to look beyond 90 degrees was a bit uncomfortable.  I was able to walk for about 25 minutes at a time without stopping.  I was getting in about 50 grams of protein and fluid a day.  I was still sleeping on the couch and taking about a 2 hour nap during the day.

This has been a difficult process.  The difficulty surprisingly has not been with insurance.  Once I spoke with the preauthorization folks, it was pretty straight forward:  6 month diet, psych eval, nutrition consult, pcp letter of necessity- done.  The difficult part has been in dealing with my surgeon's office.  Everything I sent to them had to be sent in at least triplicate.  I would fax, call and verify that they received, then call and verify it made it into my file, because most times it had not.  My whole packet got sent to the wrong insurance company.  Of course this insurance company never heard of me, and returned the packet to my PCP's office.  I got zero results until I was very direct and threatened to involve the office manager and my surgeon.  Things then started happening rather quickly.  I have great faith in my surgeon.  Not so much in his office staff.

I got my date today.  Drum roll please........February 12, 2009.  I'm a little disappointed, which I know is absolutely ridiculous.  I had very cooperative insurance.  I have a very supportive family.  I have enough vacation time saved.  I am greatful for this gift.  I am not sure I believe that it's actually gonna' happen yet. 

I have observed that those going into surgery with a positive attitude seem to cope much better, so I will be positive- There's a saying that says smile until you feel happy.  I think that is so very true.  Sooo I'm gonna' put up my countdown ticker, work hard at taking vitamins, get in my 64 oz, clean my house and let time fly.

Well I finally got straight, I hope accurate, information from my insurance about what is required to gain approval for surgery.  I guess the 4th call is the charm.  I told them that I had gotten the referral from my surgeon, but but my surgeon's office needed to know what info they needed in their packet to get the pre-authorization.  All of the information that I had previously received from my insurance was incomplete, inaccurate, and completely wrong.  I'm a bit disappointed that when I specifically asked if I had to do a medically supervised diet, that I was told that I would not.  I was told this three different times.  My certificate of coverage doesn't state it.  I was given a fax number and point of contact that don't exist with the company.  It has been a big mess.  I wish I had known from the beginning.  But at least now I have a game plan.  Insuarance representative Mary didn't know the answers, therefor took the time to contact the pre-authorization department and got the answers for me "form the horses mouth."   Thank You Mary.  I feel like the subterfuge was really uneccesary.    I am not sure if it was intentional, or total ignorance, or just laziness on the part of the insurance representatives.  

Now the question - Should I go with Atkins to "practice" for the DS, or go with my tried and true method of Weight Watchers point counting?  I worry about too much fat and cholesteral pre-surgery.  I will really try to lose weight so I can be optimum shape for surgery.  I tend to lose well with Weight Watchers (I just gain even better when I stop