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Well today I hit 85 pounds lost and my weight is at 179, which means that as of right this minute for the first time in my entire adult life I am no longer obese! 

Today my therapist and I spent some time talking about the NEED for me to help my brain understand what my new self looks like. At the moment I am not seeing it...I mean I know that the scale shows it, and yes my clothes are smaller, and I feel so much better blah blah blah..but in my HEAD I still sort of perpetually feel like the biggest girl in the room.

Some suggestions that I have been given to help correct this:

~Mirrors: (Dearest Brandilynn gets credit for this one) Keep some around in the spaces where you spend the most time..like at my desk! The continual images will help to cement the new reality of my smaller size.

~Exercise: Stretching, strength training, yoga etc..This will allow me to be in better physical touch with the size of my new self. I will be more aware of my body and the new things it can do...

~Photos: Keep before and afters close by and refer to often

~Compare old clothes to new clothes

The reason I NEED to get my brain to understand how I actually look is because if I don't my chance of regain is higher (according to beloved therapist) because if I don't see myself accurately and realistically its almost as though it never happened. And if it never happened in my brain, if I never actually successfully lost the weight, I may not care if I gain it back..and I may not realize it is happening if I cant see thin then I cant see fat either...

Additionally we discussed the importance of my celebrating my accomplishments.

I expected to be over the moon..to even be below 200 would feel like a miracle..and it does..some days...but I think I am afraid to be too excited. I am afraid to share too much with people, or to seem too happy...especially when I am around a lot of people who struggle with their weight...then again...this is a battle for me as well...but its just not a journey I can share with everyone...

But today I did hit a huge milestone..my BMI is 29.9 baby!!!! Only 39 more pounds to go!!!

Overall I truly do LOVE my sleeve..don't regret my decision at all!!!! 

And now on to a bit of celebrating..here is me in Red..my favorite color!

I am now about 3.5 months out and I am down about 57 pounds. I am pleased with my results and physically I am feeling great!

Well last night I had a friend over that hasn't seen me in a while and has never really known me this thin and she was just BLOWN away! She wouldn't shut up about the dramatic difference..and it was like pregnancy belly, she was all hands! Now i will grant you my butt was looking nice in my jeggins but a girl can only handle but so many slaps and pinches! :}

I was in no way offended by this, this woman is like a mother to me and she was so over the moon excited she couldn't contain herself...

All along I thought this is what I was wanting, for someone to notice..to look nice in jeans etc..but after last night I sort of realized there is no going back. 

I have reached 207 and I am not far off from ONEderland, and this is all new adult territory for me. I will not be able to shrug off the compliments and say "but I have so far to GO" forever..at some point I will have to take kudos for what I have done.

Why as I stand at this crossroads does success feel so scary..I always thought the dear of failure was the real bitch, maybe I got it all wrong?!

Just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this?

And about my butt...I can understand my hubby with the slapping and pinching...but last week I got pinched my a complete stranger while perusing the jeans at the Goodwill! 

I feel completely unprepared for all of this!

 Well I am a little over 3 weeks out and I am down 26.8 pounds...I am delighted but I wish I could say I believe...

It is so hard after being a failure at a lifetime of weight loss attempts that this one may actually get me where I need and want to be..

And that fear of failure...don't even get me started!!!

I try and just stay positive, stay out of my head and be in the moment but sometimes all the worry gets the best of me.

On that positive note...My size 20 jeans went from painfully tight to being able to slip them on without unbuttoning them...so that's some progress I will take!

Hopefully my head catches up with my ass!!! 

Till then..Ill keep on on keeping on!