Beth A.

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It's been 2 months since my hysterectomy. Eight weeks yesterday. I'm a notoriously sloooowwwww healer, I know this. But oh my..I've not been cleared to have sex. NO. SEX. And I'm married to a man with a VERY high testosterone level...translation: he's one horny MF'er. As in, if I'd met him in his 20's he'd have killed me....

ANYWAY--we "tried" the other night...and let's just say that I think I've regrown a hymen, which I  know in my head is scientifically impossible...but it sure as hell felt like it. We'll keep trying...

It's been a few days since I've posted...been very VERY busy! Hysterectomy is scheduled for Monday, and I'll be off work for about 6 weeks. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row before I'm out. Our youth group at church is headed to Gatlinburg, TN for Winterfest this weekend. It is huge youth rally (by huge I'm talking more than 15,000+) and my husband and I were going as chaperones. At my pre-op appointment yesterday with my OBGYN, I was reminded about the bowel prep for laparoscopic surgery...and it would be too late to start it Sunday night after we get back from TN. So, my husband and kids are going without me. BOO. I'm trying to get the house in order and cleaned also before surgery. LOTS to do there, what with 2 teenagers, a dog, and a husband...sigh...

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore  

I truly have 10,000 reasons and more to thank my Lord and my God. I don't do it nearly enough. I moan, I whine, I gripe about the "woulda coulda shoulda"'s . I find myself feeling entitled to a lot more than I really am, and that makes me a bitter, angry woman....and not at all the woman God created me to be.   One of the most humbling things that I have the privilege of being part of is worship at one of the prison units about an hour away from Little Rock. Imagine over 200 men, all shades, all walks of life, all sizes, some beautiful to look at and some not, in one room. It's sweltering in the summer. It even gets hot in the winter, just not as bad. They are all in the same uniform, what looks like white scrubs, like you'd see on a hospital employee. But these aren't orderlies. They are convicted men. Men who made choices that carried great consequences. These men have chosen to be part of a wonderful program called "Pathway to Freedom", and they dedicate most of their days to study and preparing for release and life outside of prison walls. Many have no skills, their families have left them, they've been in so long that their old friends are no longer around (or the "friends" they had are folks they don't need/want to associate with any longer)...and they PRAISE. These men who have no earthly reason to praise are raising their hands and hearts to the Father of all creation, thanking Him for another chance, asking for the grace to pay their debt to society, asking for the strength to stay hopeful in a hopeless place. I have never been so humbled in my life as I am on these beautiful nights that I get to spend worshipping with men who have allowed God to mend their broken hearts and souls. Many will disagree with me. They condemn these men, and all others who live in prisons. But I say that there are prisons we build for ourselves that are worse than any on this earth. There are men with black hearts who sit in churches every week, while there are men in those rooms at the Wrightsville Men's Unit whose hearts are as pure as snow, thanks to the blood of Jesus.    One of the men from my church family that works with these men at Wrightsville is now a shepherd for our church body. When the opportunity came to him, and many (SO many) submitted his name as a candidate, he questioned himself. He said he felt unworthy because of his past. You see, he too once wore one of those white uniforms. Euel said that maybe because of that, he shouldn't be in a position of leadership in the church. I (and many others) countered that I thought that was the very reason he SHOULD. Who better to minister to a man in prison, than one who has been there himself and by God's grace has made a better life for himself? And besides that,  reminded him that the apostle Paul was a murderer.   At that same worship service, our teaching minister, Cory, shared a story about one of his six (SIX!) boys. They were driving through Texas over the holidays and passed a prison. His son asked, "Daddy, is that where the bad men are?" Cory said, "no, son, that's where there are men who made bad choices are."    Today, I am glad that God forgives me of my choices and reminds me that I am good.   God is good...all the time.   And all the time...God is good.
 

Day 7 of my '7 Challenge', LOL...so my family is getting sick of chicken. Can't say I blame them. I think tonight I'll fix my "unhealthy" meal of chicken fried rice--it's a family favorite but definitely doesn't fall into any low-fat or low-cal categories!

For breakfast I had whole wheat bread, a few pieces of sharp cheddar cheese, and some tea. I have a beautiful Fuji apple and a just-ripe banana on my desk for munchies.

Someone on the Facebook group for this challenge posted this the other day:

"Christian fasting, at its root, is the hunger of a homesickness for God."--John Piper, A Hunger For God...My prayer is that 7 will not just be a project for me but a time of growing in my hunger for Him, as Jen Hatmaker (author of the book about the challenge) says, "I will reduce so He can increase."

WORD.

love to all--

bga

ok, friends...I have to confess I was SO tempted last night when my daughter was baking a cake. From the batter, to the icing knife, I'd think, "oh, it's just a tiny bit...doesn't count..." And in the grand scheme of things, for a great many people, it wouldn't. But for me that is a perfect definition of my gluttony, my excess, my rationalization to do what I want rather than what God wants to do in me. If I can't sacrifice a mouthful, what am I doing this for?

Ironically, I've lost 7 lbs since I began this challenge last Wednesday. Seven pounds of the result of my excess, my gluttony, my unwillingness to sacrifice for God. Please do not think I'm calling anyone else a glutton if they have a few extra pounds (or more)--I speak ONLY for myself, as honestly as I can. I know women who carry extra weight, and they are as holy as I could ever hope to be. But that isn't me. I can only judge myself. This challenge has convicted me to be still and allow God to be strong in my weakness.

I told my husband and my sponsor this morning that I have been blessed with an overwhelming sense of serenity and peace since I began this challenge. I am not focusing on what I can't have, only on what I CAN have. It's so puzzling how we go through our lives crying out to God, moaning and wailing about what may happen or what we go through, and where is He in all this mess??? But He's already there...He's always been there, waiting for us to come to Him.

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
 

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit (x2)

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

Love to all---

bga

Good morning, friends....

Well thus begins Day 3 of my '7 Challenge'. I have to admit, going grocery shopping last night with my husband and stepson while I was hungry was not the smartest thing. I resisted the temptations that were scattered all throughout the store, but I have learned my lesson. I had a "YAY" moment when I realized I can have one of our family favorites: chicken fried rice! I don't add a lot of "stuff" like they do in the restaurants, because my kids wouldn't eat it, so it is just chicken and rice, which are two foods on my list. YAY!!!

One thing I have not shared on this blog yet it that I'm having surgery (yes, another one) on the 18th. Even before my RNY, I was borderline anemic. Since then, I've had to do transfusions off and on to keep my blood levels up. My hematologist has been after me for a VERY long time now about the hysterectomy, because he thinks (and I agree) that my cycles are a huge factor since they go a long time and are very heavy. When he first suggested it, my immediate thought was, "what if?"...as in, "what if I wanted to have another child? what if something happened to my husband and I married again, then what?" But then I realized that a) my organs do not define who I am, b) with all my health issues, it would be quite dangerous for me to carry another child, and c) my daughter is 16--I DO NOT want to start over!

After visiting with my OBGYN, and talking over options, and weighing the pros and cons of a partial vs. total hysterectomy, we are doing a total. My doc said he usually doesn't even consider a total on someone my age (38), but with my family history of cancer we don't want to leave anything that would further invite cancer to come and hang out for any length of time. Ovarian cancer, as you well know, is insidious...the silent killer...once it's found, it is usually in the later stages and has often already metastasized. A total hysterectomy isn't the right choice for everyone, but a RNY isn't the right choice for everyone either. We are all different, and this is what is best for me.

I'd been thinking (knowing) for a while that my eating habits were spiraling out of control again. It's been quite a year for me--more on that later--but just suffice to say that while I kicked a lot of other bad habits, in truth they just changed faces and I turned to food once again. I know it is like this in many other parts of the country, but particularly the South: if someone is sick, you bring food....if someone has a baby, you bring food...church get-together? you bring food...someone comes for a visit? you go out to eat...someone dies, you bring food...someone is moving away, leaving a job, getting married, etc., etc., etc....you bring food. And not just any food, no...that down-home comfort food. I feel like with this hysterectomy, I'm "cleaning out" from the inside out, and it seems a great starting point for new habits to replace the old. To cleanse. To heal. For many of us that have had WLS of any kind, we know that food was an obsession before, and a chore after. It was so much WORK to eat following my RNY. Making sure I was getting what my body needed, and just the right amounts at the right times, was exhausting. I SO wish that I'd known about the 7 Challenge then, and incorporated it into my post-op eating habits. But you know what they say about hindsight....

Love to all--

-bga

Lunchtime here in the office....one of the items I picked up last night (in the interest of time for today, since I knew I wouldn't have time to cook last night in prep for today) was microwavable brown and wild rice. We usually eat the Uncle Ben's brand Original Long Grain and Wild Rice, so I did pick up a couple of boxes of that so I can cook it the night before and have it ready. Uncle Ben's didn't have any of the single-serve ready ones in a little cup, though, so I went with Rice-a-Roni Brown and Wild Rice. Not a good choice. I mixed it with my green beans--which I'd been planning to eat straight from the can--to liven it up. No luck. It still had a faint cardboard aftertaste. Salt didn't help much either. So lesson learned...stick with Uncle Ben. I mean, he IS family, after all. So all in all, my lunch was not quite as exciting as it was yesterday, but I'm nourished, and it's all I need.

--bga

And it IS a good morning...filled with all the hope and promise of a new day.

I'm very proud of myself, not necessarily for how I did yesterday on the '7' challenge, but more how God is working in me through this challenge. He says for us not to worry about what we will eat. So I'm not. I'm trusting in Him.

Last night my husband and I went to the grocery store after a long church night (which was amazing, but I'll save that for another post), and I picked up things that are on my list. We didn't get home until about 9:30, which is really too late for either of us to eat dinner (he's a diabetic and tries not to eat so late), but you know--life lived on life's terms doesn't always go as planned.  I will need to plan better, as one of the parts of the '7' challenge is not to eat after 7 PM (and as we all know, that has a LOT of benefits). Anyway, dinner last night was rotisserie chicken, whole wheat bread (which my teenage daughter wanted to try, and then after wrinkling her nose at it came back and stole the rest of it), and a bit of sharp cheddar cheese.

Breakfast this morning is sharp cheddar cheese and a Fuji apple. For snacks and lunch I brought string cheese, whole wheat bread, and a banana.

Yesterday I texted about 10 different people and asked them to pray for me during this time. The outpouring of support and encouragement has been overwhelming. Even better, my husband is 150% behind me on this. I'm just taking it one day at a time...and if I need to, I'll do one hour at a time. If anyone wants to jump on board with me, please let me know! I'll be your number one cheerleader!

Love to all--

bga

Well, Day 1 is about half over...if you're lost, read my previous post. I did GREAT for lunch. My loving husband was going to bring me something to eat, but he got caught up at work so I went to our local cafe to get something. I had baked chicken, rice, green beans, a whole wheat roll, and unsweetened tea (which I happen to actually like). I don't want to eat that exact thing every single day, but it honestly was soooo good. I had a brief thought of, oh, I could have ____. But then I reminded myself that a) I can do this and b) if I can't sacrifice a mouthful of momentary pleasure for God, what the hell am I doing? This is my body, my temple, that He made for me in His image. I am charged to take care of it, and while I've not done it many favors in the last 38 years, I can today. This moment. This choice. I'm doing "the next right thing for the right reason". I don't have to worry about tomorrow, only right now. It's all I can control.

love to all,

bga

Hello old friends...it's been forever since I've written anything on here, for many reasons, not the least of which is that I have put on so much of my weight and for so long have simply felt like a failure. I know I'm not, but that old negative self-talk just seems to creep in when you least expect it and I heard it for so long that it's easy to fall back into that line of thinking. I know many of you understand---unfortunately.

Well, the good news is this: I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I don't have a weight loss goal in mind...it's nothing like that. I've just come to realize that my life has so much excess....and apparently, others feel the same way. Jen Hatmaker has written a wonderful book titled "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". Google it...it's so insanely smart and simple at the same time. Month one deals with--what else--food. The author chose seven foods to eat for thirty days, only seven, eliminating all others. I have challenged myself to do the same. Today begins the challenge for me, and I will be eating only chicken, cheese, apples, bananas, green beans, rice, and whole wheat bread. I will commit to this, and to journaling my ups and downs here. If you're  a praying person, please pray that God will work through me and in me during this time as I surrender to Him, and that I will LISTEN.

I heard a song last week on the radio...these are the lyrics...it's by Tenth Avenue North, and called "Worn".

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn



Love to all---

bga