Step 6: Check!

May 31, 2009

I am thinking of this WL journey as something that occurs in steps. The more steps there are to complete, the more successful I would feel. Here's what I think the steps are for me so far (I made add some more in later):

1) Realize - on my own - I am dangerously overweight and need outside medical assistance.
2) Confide in and get the support of my close family and friends.
3) Research options on how to pay.
4) Contact the insurance company and/or doctor.
5) Follow their workup:
   a) see therapist because overeating mainly happens because of what's going on in my head.
   b) start moving.
   c) start losing.
6) Lose 5% of my weight.
7) Get referred to and meet with hospital.
8) Go through their workups.
9) Have surgery.
10) Live life differently for the next 27 years than I have the previous 27 years.

#1 took many years for me to get to. I've always been overweight but never let it bother me; it was who I was and if someone couldn't deal with it, screw them. I had always been oblivious to the way my body really looked. For instance, I'd take a look at my wrist or see a muscle in my arm/leg in a different light/angle, see that it was slender or in shape and think the rest of my body was the same way. This can be a a great way to high self-esteem, but it's also damaging. I just didn't think everything I put into my mouth and how little I moved would affect me like Those People you see or hear about. I am not sure what changed: it could be my realization that I was the largest person in my workplace, I felt like I was smooshing Ian during "sessions", the lack of ability to conceive, or my burning desire to travel but having the fear of my size overpower the thought.
Whatever it was, I knew I needed help and my 15+ years of other weight loss attempts hadn't worked.

#2 came easy for me. I had already surrounded myself with loving, caring people who had already supported me no matter what. I had been in talks with Ian for awhile about WLS, bringing it up at inopportune times to see if his decision would change. It never did: He supported and loved me regardless of my decision. I then told my best friend Amy whose friendship is one that makes me happily tear up. She is a wonderful person and I am grateful to have her in my life. When I told her, she was automatically supportive and continues to be. What I appreciate most about her is that she's never made her general feelings about WLS known to me because it doesn't matter - what is important is she is there for me.
Next I told my parents who have been worried about me since day one. I think it brought on a tidal wave of relief for my dad, who does not want me to end up where he has health-wise. My mom, I believe, is more interested to see the mechanics of it - how it will work, how my eating habits will change, etc.
I told other people - my boss, other friends, sister-in-law and random people who I'll never see again.

Step 3 developed backwards and out of order, but is still #3. When I first started talking to Ian about it last year, I was with Group Health who covered WLS but only for certain health conditions. I had been diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea and knew sleep apnea counted, but it turns out I wasn't unhealthy enough - it had to be severe sleep apnea. Whatever. I am at a job where I am lucky enough to have the option of switching insurance plans so as of January 2009 I switched to Uniform Medical Plan.

#4: On January 15, I had a phone consultation with Riaz, the murse (male nurse) who is with UMP's Bariatric Surgery program. This came a few days after I had a negative mind-blowing experience with the doctor's scale: I weighed 371.1 lbs. I felt I was big enough to be on some TLC show about Those People. Again, I was unhealthy, but not unhealthy enough to get my 15 minutes of fame.
Riaz and I spent about an hour on the phone and he reviewed the program requirements as well as their recommendations. I won't bore the 2 people that happen to read this with the details, but the summary is I had to lose 5% of my weight (roughly 18 lbs) by July 14th to move onto the next step. I broke out my trusty calculator and computed I'd have to weigh about 352 lbs. Still under my high self-esteem, I stupidly told Riaz to make the goal 350 (which he did) because I like nice round numbers. (More about that to come later...)

#5 began innocently enough. I tried to do it all on my own using info I had gathered from a millenium of visits with nutritionists. I lost weight sooo slowly, it seemed it would take me forever to lose the 21 lbs. I then started to do Weight Watchers, a reliable companion but not one that had ever stuck around long enough in the past to help me. I began to lose more rapidly. I still had weeks where I'd overeat and gain, reintroducing my old friend Doubt. Doubt told me I was designed to be one of Those People in every room I entered for the rest of my life. Doubt said Ian and I were supposed to grow old together, without children, and be that couple that goes way overboard on Halloween to compensate for our lack of kin. Doubt said maybe I was destined to have my own TLC show, featuring me, one of Those People.
I decided years of being friends with Doubt hadn't given me anything but more pounds and misery. I was missing something: Sweat. I wasn't moving on a regular basis so I asked Sweat what I should do. Sweat said to sign up for Jazzercise, something new that would give me structure. I started that twice a week and enjoyed it; I am still enjoying it. Sweat and I are becoming good pals.
I then began seeing a counselor named Nancy. She is really nice with enormous experience with WLS patients. We've been working through issues I won't delve into here, but it has been very helpful.

#6 came yesterday - May 30th. I had weighed in May 21 and gained 1.2 lbs, putting my weight at 354.8. I started to panic, thinking over 4 months went by and I only had 7 more weeks or so or more or less i couldn't count and I wasn't going to make it and I wasn't going to make it those last 5 lbs were the hardest and why the hell did I round down to 350 I was soo stupid and arrogant and Doubt was right I was supposed to be one of Those People and and and.......

CRAP - who let Doubt back in?? Luckily, I didn't have to kick Doubt out because Ian and I went to San Francisco for Memorial Weekend with his sister. San Francisco is all Hill. If we walked 1 block from the hotel to the corner store, it would be upHill both directions. My legs, butt, arms, nails, back, and nose hurt from Hill. I began to Hate hill. When we got home, I didn't like the stairs because they were just like Hill. It sucked.
But then I went to WW on 5.30.09 and weighed in at 350.6 lbs...I got my goal! YES!! Doubt was out and Sweat and Hill were my friends (for now anyway).
I went to the local walk-in clinic today to get an official weigh weight of 350.5 which I will send to Riaz tomorrow. The next step will be to get referrals to either UW Medical Center or Virginia Mason - I haven't made up my mind yet.

For today, I will just sit and be patient on this glorious day and be happy with Who I Am.

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