Brenda H.

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I cant believe its been so long since I have updated this. ALOT has happened since I last updated. Hubby was deployed to Afghan, My daddy was diganosed with Lung cancer, I went on quite a few trips and I moved to Germany. SO I will start by saying Brad has made it home from Afghan. He came back a different person, different in a good way. He came home to a different me also. Different in a good way. When he left I was broken down. Everything seemed to be falling down around me and I didnt know how to stop it. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and I didnt know how and couldnt stop it.   I decided I wasnt gonna let anything mess up my life anymore. I became stronger and more confident. I took control of my life and the things in my life. He came home to a more confident, self assured and self sufficent person and he likes it. It took some getting used to but he is liking it. I think at times he doesnt know what to think since I have never been that kind of person but like I said he is getting used to it.  We lost my daddy May 29, 2009 to lung cancer. He went peacfully in his sleep at Centineal in Nashville. I miss him so much, him and my momma both. Next month will make 7 years since we lost momma to Breast cancer and then to lose daddy to lung cancer really hit us hard. Especially since we though everything was gone and he was getting better. That is one thing we are still dealing with. 
 I have moved. While Brad was in Afghan he found out that he was on orders for Germany. We left Fort Campbell on Oct 5, 2009. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because I had to leave my 21 year old son behind. I know its time. Probally past time for it to happen but that doesnt mean I have to like it lol.  In 21 years I have never been without him and then suddenly BOOM he's gone. Then theres the fact that in June my baby graduates and will be leaving to go back to the states for college. That has been very hard for me to deal with along with the fact that I am so far away from home and my family and friends. I havent made any friends since being here. One friend from Campbell has moved here also in the past few weeks so that is nice. Mostly I just sit in the house all day cleaning and doing nothing It is very hard because back inthe states I was very active and you couldnt keep me down. Here it is so cold and started out rainy but now it snows everyday. I am a Tennessee girl and we don have snow like this back there. I dont like the cold. I freeze in a warm house and when I go outside I am pityful  lol. SO for now I am a hermit atleast until it warms up.  The food here is so different than back home. They really believe in eating here. You go to a resturant and they pile on the food. They dont do doggie bags so I wind up wasting alot because also the resturants I have been to dont have half portions or childrens menu's. The breads are amazing. I know I am not supposed to eat much bread but I put cheese on it for the protein and I eat it in small amounts. They season things so different here. So far the food is all good. The only thing I Havent liked is the potatoe salad. That was kind of nasty  lol. I have been able to maintain my weight for a good while now. I did lose s few lbs when we first got here due to the depression mode but I havent lost anymore. I get my b12 shots every month, well actually since we have been here I went to the doc 1 time and after that they gave me a multi dose vile and I give m yself the shot every month. Once it warms up I plan on doing alot more walking and taking pics. Just doing alot of site seeing.
  I guess I have rambled on enough for now. I will try to be better at updating this thing. I did post 2 of my most recent pics. I will also try to get more as time goes on. Thaks for reading.

   Well look here, 7 1/2 months later I am finially updating everything. Well lets see where to start, So far I have lost and made my goal and even went under my goal. I am now trying to figure ot a new goal for myself. I made the first one so now it is time to go just alittle bit lower. Also want to do the plastics. My arms are in great need of the lift along with alot more  lol. I have dropped down froma size 24 pants to a 8-10. I am stoked about that.
  I have been doing very good health wise. Every blood test has came back passing with flying colors. I have so much energy it isnt even funny. I have done things I  never dreamed of doing before. I have even been repelling off of a 34ft high wall and rope. I am about to take the motorcycle course here on base and get my license for that and also take pole dancing lessons to help tone up the upper body muscles.
  Brad left for afgan in Feburary. He has already came home for r&r so he could watch our oldest graduate high school. So now I have another year before I can see him other than web cam and pics sent bak and forth. Now that is one thing tht is driving me crazy. But we did finially get out our oldest graduated. 1 down and 1 to go  wooo hooooo!!!   When he came home we bought a new HOG touring bike. I love riding on the back of that thing. It feels like you are riding in a car except for the leaning when you go around coners. It is Black and my boys have nicknamed the new bike..... Black Betty like the song. When Brad was home everything as great. The trouble we had before he left has been worked out and after 18 years of marriage everything is back to normal, well as normal as we get  lol
  Found out a couple months ago that my dad has lung cancer. Found out yesterday that is is in all 3 quardrents or his lung and the windpipe. Along with the fluid surrounding the lung. It is in stage 3 and in operable. I have been going back and forth to the doc with him and we are going to start his radation here in the next week. That has been the main thing going on with me other than Brad leaving for Afgan.  I lost my mother 5 yers ago to breast cancer and now it looks like that ugly word is gonna take my daddy.
  The main thing i struggle with now is body image because of the hanging skin and not sleeping. But with everything that is going on right now it's a wonder i can sleep at all!! Also I have a hard time eating anything. My favorite other than my protien is the new crackers... townhouse flips and frappuccuno vanilla from starbucks. It already has 6 grams of protien in it and i add alittle more vanilla protine powder to it. 
   Well there you have it and I will now get back to keeping this up. I want to thank you all for your kind words and encouragment. I think of you all often. I may not have posted much but I did come back and check the posts to see how you are all doing.
 

Well after a month of drinking and a couple of bad things happening I have decided to go to rehab. I start my treatment tomorrow. I go 5 days a week for 5 weeks. I am dreading it but I know it needs to be donw. Since the surgery I had in May I have been having a hard time learning how to deal with things without food. I turned to Crown Royal instead. Not a very healthy way to deal. I have been sober for a week now and don't really know if I like it or not. Hopefully rehab can help me with learning a way to deal. I have let alot of people down the past 6 weeks and for that I am truly sorry!!!! I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the world. We are going to do family therapy, mariage councling and the rehab thing. I will do anything I have to do to save my marriage and my family!!! For everyone that has been here and helped me... THANK YOU!!!!  To the people on this site that have talked to me and heped me through this..... A VERY BIG THANK YOU!!! You all just don't know how much you have helped me. Now for other news.... I am down 107 lbs. I am very happy about that!!! My health is so much better and I feel like a totally different person. T

Well the dreaded thing has happened and i have fallen into a deep depression. I am trying to cope with this but it is hard. The old me, ya know the fat girl would deal with things with food. Well here I am and guess what. I can't seem to stomach even my protien shakes. Don't worry it was not my pouch that has made me depressed. I have been going through alot of very hard times here the past 5 or 6 days. I am trying to pull myself out of it but I am not seeing any relief in site. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have done everything that I thought was expected of me but have been told that for the past 16 years that I am controlling. I never realized it. I just thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do.  I know it seems like I am airing my dirty laundry but when I decided to do this blog thig I said I would be honest about everything. I don't want to only tell the good things. I want to tell it all.
Anyways On to different things..... I am down to 170 lbs. The weight loss had slowed down but it suddenly kicked back in again. I am loving not taking all those meds every day and feeling so much better. I am also loving the smaller me. I haven't fit into a size 14 in years.... too many to count. And now I am already to go into a 12 but I m gonna hold off on buying anyting right now. Why bother when I will be out of them soon.  Hope you all are doing good and are well. Will write more when I feel better.

Well here I am. 6 months yesterday, 11/10/07, since surgery and I have lost a grand total or 94 lbs. Dropped down 10 sizes in clothing and feel better than I have in years. I am getting to where I can eat more and more different things. I can't believe I have come this far. The changes I have seen in myself have amazed me. I seem to be more confident and less the quiet one in the bunch. If I had it to do all over again I would have to say I would do it!!!! I would tell anyone thinking of having this surgery that it could be the best thing that you could ever do for your health and happiness. Hell who am I kidding, The best thing you could do for your life!!!!!

Well here I am. 4 months since surgery and I have lost 74 lbs so far. I am so happy that I did this!!! I feel a hundred times better than I did. I am getting protein in and the fluids. Finially getting my energy level back. I am walking 30 mins most nights. I am buying the cutiest clothes for the first time in 20 years. I do have to say that I HATE my batwings!!!! Everything else is doing ok. I keep rashes under boobs and in the crease of the top of my legs where my legs meet my torso. Hoping a tummy tuck and a boob job will take care of those. I have had a problem with alittle depression. I am just having to learn  how to deal with things and not use food as the comfort I used to do. Actually not sure if it is depression or my hormone levels off. I had that blood work done last week now just waiting on the results.  I am still smoking. I started that back as soon as I got out of the hospital. I will quit again someday. Sorry I haven't been as good updating as I should. There has just been alot going on since the surgery. My son is a senior this year. Finially getting him graduated. We did his senior casual pics yesterday and they are wonderful. The lasy taking the pics also wanted to get a couple of me and Brad. A natural pose before we have family pics done in the next few months. I actually didn't mind having my pic taken. Before this surgery I HATED having pics done. Now I really dont mind so much. Actually i kinda like it. Thats the best way I keep up with my progress.

Well I am back. So far I have lost 70 lbs. Still having a hard time with food. The main thing I have other than my protein drinks and shakes are cheese and crackers. everthing just seems to upset my pouch. Don't get me wrong. I do try other things. Beans have worked pretty good. Also ground beef and alittle chicken. Absolutly NO pork. That makes me very sick!!! I am out of the stage of wondering what I have done to myself. Now I am happy I did this. I had my blood pressure taken on Monday and it was 100/70. Hasn't been that low in 10 years and that is without any meds. I am actually buying clothes out of the juniors dept. Grant it they are 1 and 2x but 3 1/2 months ago I would never had been able to even look at those clothes. My surgen was the best. I have had to have my esophagas (spelling sucks) streched 2 times since surgery but all in all it was diffently worth it!!!!

Well I am almost 6 weeks out from surgery and I have already lost 40 lbs. It is hard. Can't no one say this is the easy way out because it is not. I still don't have any energy and I can't sem to get in my protein. I am going to the sugar free store to see if maybe they have something that I can handle. I just know that I hate feeling like this. They said that after the surgery I should feel better. Well I don't. Atleast before I had the energy to go and do things with my hubby and kids. Right now I don't feel like doing anything. Anyways, enough rambling. I just wanted to update.

Good news Good news.... I have a date for the surgery. It is set for May 10th here in Clarksville. Dr. Steely is going to be doing it. I am getting so nervous but excited at the same time. I worry about if something will go wrong but I try not to think like that. Dr. Steely is a very good dr and I trust him fully. If anyone has any ideas to make this go smoother please let me know as I am just nervous. I will write more as the day gets closer.

~Brenda~

Well I have had all the tests run and everythng has been sent to the insurance. The insurance says that I was approved now all I am doing is waiting on the Dr. Office to set the date. I am hoping for the second week of May that way hubby will be home from GA. I wish it could be done sooner but hubby wants to be here. I am pretty nervous. I hate waiting because it makes me rethink everything that I have thought and makes me worry about if something goes wrong. I mean I have a husband and 2 sons. I don't want to have anything go wrong and wind up leaving them. This is proablly the most important decission I have ever made and I am second guessing it. I see why now I have hubby make all the decisions. I won't back out of this surgery!!!! I just wory about my family. 
  I have been sick with my allergies for the past week. My PCP told me to stay in the house and get better. She said if I was sick that they would put of the surgery. I have been doing what she says but I haven't goten any better. I go back to her tomorrow. I wuit smoking and was told that I would feel so much better and breath better. WRONG!!!! I felt so much better when I smoked and I breathed alot better. Hell who knows maybe it is just me. Anyways I will try to get better at keeping up with this blog.
~Brenda~