Big_Sexy_Toy
Catching Things Up!
Dec 18, 2007
Well, it has been a very long time since I have updated things. Life in 2007 has been a combination of blessings and pure hell. Since July, I have been enjoying life. I stopped focusing on weight so much and just enjoyed myself. I continued traveling to Georgia and even added some new cities in Alabama to my list of places.
I am still single. That's a whole other story! I got a promotion by the Grace of God. I went through hell over it, but still thankful. I also work a second job, and guess what folks? They offer insurance to the part-time enployees and...IT COVERS OBESITY TREATMENT!! So, I will see if I can purchase the insurance soon and will then submit a pre-determination to the insurance company to see if I am eligible for coveage.
Other than that I am learning some hard life's lessons, but I will make it through. Until next time...
Keep it Sexy!
I am still single. That's a whole other story! I got a promotion by the Grace of God. I went through hell over it, but still thankful. I also work a second job, and guess what folks? They offer insurance to the part-time enployees and...IT COVERS OBESITY TREATMENT!! So, I will see if I can purchase the insurance soon and will then submit a pre-determination to the insurance company to see if I am eligible for coveage.
Other than that I am learning some hard life's lessons, but I will make it through. Until next time...
Keep it Sexy!
Just As I Thought
Jun 20, 2007
Well, as I figured, I have screwed up my health. I had a doctor's appointment he other (a check-up) and just as I assumed it would, my blood work came back ABNORMAL. I knew it so it was not a huge surprise. I just gotta get my act together. I went to see Earth, Wind and Fire last Friday night and was feeling pretty good. I realize that I need to cool it with the drinking and partying each weekend. I am sure that there is some deep rooted problem for my behavior, other than having fun. I think that I am grieving a lot of wrongs, unfairness and lost that has occurred in my life. I still miss my cousin very much. As a matter of fact, today would have been his 27th birthday.
Plus, I am dealing with a lot of stress such as, debt (my fault of course and medical bills), my ex-boyfriend's wife is obsessed with me and plays on my phone continuously (I haven't seen this guy in forever I might add!!), a cousin has released a huge secret of mine and another person based on her speculations and has caused some changes/distance between I and the other person (no, nothing to do with the ex-bf...lol), my air conditioners are almost dead so I am hot as hell...lol! I am also not certain of what will happen between the guy who I like A LOT and I, as things are a little different but this weekend will give me more of an idea. I may not get to go to India to see my friends because the tonsil surgery took days saved and has me in debt. And this health issue is stressful in itself.
But I will try not to lose my mind over these things. It's not worth it. I will just need to do what has to be done. Until next time...Keep it SEXY
Still Partying....
Jun 05, 2007
I just got back from DC, New Jersey and New York on last Tuesday. I had a blast!! I met some great people, saw my family and may have even found love! That's right...L-O-V-E! And he is on the fuller side also, and cute! I have started thinking about surgery again, but I have so many financial things going on right now it would impossible. I have no collateral anyway. I need to work on my jealousy issues. I absolutely hate being envious of my friends who have had the surgery and have lost a lot of weight. I am so very happy for them all but at the same time, I am hating...lol! So, I am struggling inside do I continue down this self-destructing path of partying every weekend, or do I do what I can to better myself for now, or do nothing at all. I am not satisfied with myself at all, and I know that these health issues are killing me. It would to meet a great guy right before I possibly croak...lol! But once again, I promised myself before God that I will not stress, worry or allow fear and anger consume me. I plan on sticking to that!
Still Around...
May 15, 2007
Hey everyone! I am still alive and as well as God has graced me to be. A lot has happened since last time I blogged. I lost one of my dearest first cousins to a murder that is believed to have been set up by his "friends". It was a devastating blow, but I have made peace with it. We had a wonderful relationship and he knew that I loved him a lot. So there are no regrets except that I didn't see him before his untimely death. He will be truly missed.
As far as my health, I have been slacking on my meds, exercise and in my relationship with God. I know that I need to get on track, especially after my friend's bad health report of having to be placed on an insulin pump and beginning kidney damage at the age of 32. I need to get my butt in gear also! I do not want insulin at all and I want to maintain the health I do have.
I am still traveling and having fun in Georgia, and God willing I will be in NYC during the Memorial Day break! I have been having some fat girl moments where I hate my body and wished that I had the body I desire but I keep on living without stressing over it. Then I also want children, which is being prevented by the weight. Grrrrrr!! But oh well... I have to do what I can and meanwhile enjoy life and keep "Partying like a rock Star"! hahaha!
Until next time...
Update
Apr 13, 2007
Well every one has been wondering what ol' Toy has been up to. Toy has been living life and enjoying it! I have been partying like a rock star since my recovery from tonsil surgery...lol! The family that I reconnected with in Georgia has been awesome. they are my new network and support system and I visit them out of state every other weekend! I have lost some weight, not a lot and not like I'd wish, but I am damn near a celebrity down there where I hang out. So, it has not bothered me much at all. I no longer think about bypass surgery even though I still wish to have the band at the least. however, I still have a hard time being with my friends who have had it and are or have lost their weight. it's a reminder of what I cannot have. I am trying to do better, and I have made a promise to myself to enjoy life even though I have all of these health issues and weight. I am not going to stress over this mess anymore. I am not counting calories, carbs or none of that. just living life and having fun! I have gone from a workaholic and have become a weekend warrior...lol! Each week my cousins call and ask if I am coming down to their town becoz we have soooo much fun! I notice that when I am there, I barely eat and I am always on the go, which I think is great! This is why I am losing some weight becoz I am bored at home. Well, that's all for now! Until next time keep it....
Big 'N' Sexy
Ouuuccchhh!!!
Feb 23, 2007
I am alive and well, but hurting like hell! It's the day after my tonsillectomy. It was a quick and successful surgery, but of course the surgeon told my grandpa that I need to get my weight under control. I love my doctor and he has only met me once, so he does not know my history and struggle. But it pisses me off because I have been fighting and fighting to get the weight loss surgery only to have doors slammed in my face. It pisses me off even more because I work for my insurance carrier, and they could cover obesity treatment if they really wanted to.
So, now I just do not know what to think. I cannot leave my job after being there for almost ten years. I have bill and now more medical bills. So, I will just do what I can. Maybe I will try the $12,000.00 offer in Texas. I do not know ...but until next time keep it Sexy
Look Who Da Cat Drug In!!
Feb 06, 2007
Ok, mother Kim told me that I need to get on the ball with my updating! Love ya Kimmy!!! Well, I have been in better spirits, just basically trying to accept the hand that God has dealt me. I have not been doing any working out or anything yet, and even though I have not totally regressed back to terrible eating behaviors, I definitely could do a lot better! As far as the thyroid/goiter scare, I saw the specialist today, who is gorgeous, and there is no goiter "Thank God!" Instead it is my good old arch nemesis "Fat". which I and my other doctors figured. But the nurse practitioner at the Weight Management Center was so adamant about my having a huge goiter, and had me thinking the worst!
Anyway, I will have to have my tonsils removed because they are huge. I was a bit skeptical at first and wanted to know how many days I would have to be out of commission because I need my days for my trip to India that I am determined to take in October so help me Jesus! He said 5 days since I have a sit down job and do not talk on the phones, unless there are complications. Heck, all I need is some good dope and I'll be straight! I do not care if I have to do sign language or pimp limp into the office...lol! I was going to put the date off for a while until they said that this would help with weight loss. So, I sat up and said "Well, hell* yes...let's get this started!" Ha ha ha... I have also discovered that what I thought was excess fat near and under my armpits is actually breast tissue, and insurance will cover the removal of it if it causes problems.
And it does!! I get bruises on top of my shoulders, pain around the tissue, rashes and back ache... And at the same time he can examine why my entire right side of my body is excessively larger than the other especially in the lower abdomen (looks like a hernia), as well as check out these soft tissue cysts I have (one each side of the thigh, right inner elbow and behind the right knee). So, after I recovery from this throat surgery...guess who will be going to see the plastic surgeon?!? Meeeeeee!!! Of course, I know that I will still have to work off the non-medical portion of the weight, but whatever that is considered as medical need to get the heck off of me! Especially, if it is covered by insurance!! I also have some dental work coming up, so it looks like this will be a year of getting my health together.
I have also been occupied with getting my passport and visa, picking my flights to and within in India, as well as selecting tours and hotels. October may be a long ways away, but the documents take a long time, flights book quickly, and I need to set a budget. My friends are soooo excited and have so many things planned. Even though I will not be the skinny diva that I had hoped to be that time this year, I will still go in all of my girth and glory. If I get started at, I'll stare back and give a Chester Cheetah grin! People are afraid that I might get married and not come back - I told them that one never knows and my smart aleck friend said that she wants to be the first to rummage through my things and call dibs. This is why we call her "Bruh man" or "brutha man" cause she always hustling or trying to sell something to be white chocolate...ha ha ha!
One time the heffah sold me a can of ravioli for a quarter! I ate it though when I was broke and didn't have lunch money...ha ha ha! Anyway, until next time...
Keep it
Sexy
Back 2 Life; Back 2 Reality; Back in the Here & Now
Jan 10, 2007
I am finally coming out of darkness. I honestly feel a lot better and am coming to accept that God is not going to bless me with this surgery and is also sending through a trial. I am failing miserably because I lost my head. But I will just have to accept myself as I am and live life as well as I can. I had an emotion filled weekend. Three of my friend's from India were a big help to me and made me feel a lot better. Unlike some of my local friends, they were not going to allow me to continue pushing everyone away, especially them. One got me told real good...lol! He was not going for all of that negative talk and thinking! He fussed at me "out of love" as if he were my daddy! Ha ha ha! I felt special and loved.
By Monday, everyone began calling, and told me that they have had enough of my hiding away and not communicating with them. I laughed because I was feeling better and got a new cute hairdo. I still think about wanting to be slim and healthy, more so that when I travel out of the country, I will be comfortable and I need to start a family soon. God willing, I will be 32 this year and time is against me. I met with my therapist and she was so sad about the bad news, and told me that it was ok for me to grieve as long as I did not stay in that mode. Now, she is encouraging me to just enjoy life and not to give up on my plans for India. Now she just gotta get me through my fear of flying...ha ha ha!
I had my yearly OBG visit today and she was also disappointed about the surgery, but thinks that I could burn a lot between now and June if I get on a strict regimen. I asked her along with my regular physician's opinion regarding something I have been brainstorming. Since, I have all of these illnesses, I would like to go on an intermittent Short Term Disability, meaning that I will work four to five hours a day and the rest of the day would be focused on working out multiple times of the day and eating a better diet (Fresh home cooked healthy and organic meals). I cannot seem to get myself or my health together working 9 to 10 hours a day. When I leave work at 7 pm, all I ant to do is go home! So, maybe trying the disability will help.
The downfall is that I am in $5,000.00 of debt right now, and I absolutely do not wish to use my tax return or bonus to pay these people! If I go on STD I will miss out on some pay and I need to be saving for my trip, and just putting money up period! So, I may not get to utilize this STD plan. And we will not be given any overtime either!! I just have to pray about it and leave it alone, but its not a good position to be in since I am trying to repair my credit! Anyway, I had my coworker bring my Biggest Loser and 6-Week Body Makeover books back. Maybe I can get some help from these since I have to do this on my own. I don't know... I am at a loss...
Struggling To Come Back to Life
Jan 04, 2007
Sometimes Other Are More Like Family...
Today, I leaned that many times others can feel more like your family than your own. All this week I have been in a depressed state of mind because the bank declined. I told many people not to ask me about but one was out of the office. She so happened to ask me today and I answered her without difficulty, but some others heard me say that I will just be fat forever and to hell with it. Well, some started in on me, telling me to try out for the next season of The Biggest Loser. I am not putting my fat __ on national TV where everyone can watch me screw up, throw up, pass out, cry, curse and reveal all of my fat rolls and dimples! Plus, the average female on that show weighs around 220-230 lbs. I weigh almost 400 lbs. No way! At one point, when I felt empowered to lose this weight on my own, I was planning to audition, but not now.
Then they started trying to give me other options, which I already know what they are and I am not ready to deal with anything related to weight right now because my hurt is still fresh. They forgot this and kept on talking about it and how they believe in me and how it takes "will power" and on and on and on... The crap already know! Finally they made me cry because I did not want to talk about it and one of my friends, who believe it or not used to hate me for whatever reasons a few years back, let me bury my head in her chest and cry it out in the middle of the department. And even told me that when I was ready to deal with this, she will be there with me all of the way. None of my friends or family at home have never offered that to me.
I have always had to do things on my own. and I feel like if I could do this without surgery, I would have done it by now. This has been a 25 yr battle for me. I remember being 5 years old and asking God to make me look like Vanity from Vanity 6. I would asked Him to make me skinny like this person or that person. I remember my pediatrician telling my mom, you need to get control of her weight now or she will be fat. I remember my entire life revolving around my weight and I am still struggling. So this is very painful for me and I am feel like I am losing myself.
After I explained to the coworkers who honestly meant well, that I am grieving right now and cannot deal with any suggestions or options at this time and why it was so painful. They understood and asked me to call on them if I need anything because they all love me. It is so painful for my coworkers to see me this way and they look so sad because they do not know how to console me. They try to talk about funny things and subjects, and I can engage but the sadness and hurt is still there. I have been in a ponytail, no make up and just putting on something to wear all week. And for the most part being silent unless spoken to. It's so sad because everyone who knows me are always looking for my smile or cheerfulness, and they look so sad and confused because its not there.
I am just really confused meaning, I do not know how to pray or what to pray for because I felt like I was doing that before; A part of me wants to give up totally on trying to lose weight and just accept the fat as a part of me, and no longer stress over it; On the other hand, a part of me says that joy will come in the morning; I feel like I am two people battling each other. It's like the anger in me wants to destroy the part of me that is always happy, cheerful, loving, positive and good spirited; But the true me wants to stop hurting, neglecting, belittling and beating myself up and cared for and loved as she is instead...Thank God I have a shrink appointment on Monday...
My job performance has been suffering as well... today I had 60% and yesterday it was 70% - All I could do was apologize... I did not think that this denial would affect me as much as it has. Maybe because the bank had me all pumped about receiving the packet and then all of sudden, I am back to square one again. I am just ready for the pain to go away, and to get over this depression spell. Right now I still want to give up on all of my dreams, goals and missions. I just want to be a robot and numb. My only joy right now is my grandpa, my job (if I get to keep it after the way this depression has affected me)and my pets.
I hope to back to normal soon
Diary Of A Mad "Fat" Woman
Jan 02, 2007
Well
everyone because mine will not be. It has gotten off to a bad start already. Mystery of the missing RESPA packet... solved! I have yet received another friggin' decline. Yup! You've read correctly. And you are asking the same question that everyone else has, why did the loan officer state that I was being mailed a RESPA packet all last week, only to find out today that I have been declined? I have no freaking clue and I am not faulting him for it because he was very helpful. It was my prior bankruptcy that I had to file because of my ex-fiance', which is helping me into an early grave.
THANKS A LOT ADAM FOR TOTALY RUINING MY LIFE YOU JERK!!!
Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system.
I tried as hard as I could to keep my composure at work. I was not as devastated as before, but those feelings of anger towards my employer, my ex and any other force that has prevented this resurfaced. I wanted to cry so badly, but I did not want to do it in the office. I did not want people questioning me or trying to encourage me because I'm not trying to hear that right now. So, I emailed the majority of those who were rooting for me, other WLS hopefuls and my superiors informing them that once again I've had another door slammed in my face. I told them that I do not want to discuss this anymore. I can see that some were happy that I was not approved.
Not that they were being mean, but they were afraid for me. One even said that she feel as though she may have hoped and prayed for the wrong thing. All I could think was at least they are happy for a reason that has caused of my misery. I am that one person in the company who is always smiling, happy, like to tease and is upbeat. The one who is neutral in conflict unless one is actually in the wrong. But today, that left in a matter of seconds. People kept trying to make me smile by tickling or doing something silly but I was dead. Then I called my grandpa to inform, while trying to fight back the tears and he was as disappointed as I was,.. But then those words that I hate to hear came up..."Oh, something will come through for you". I am so darn tired of hearing that!!
I told myself, "yeah, something will...some sort of cancer, a heart attack or some other extreme illness of mine will come through before I get the help I need, it at all." I couldn't even smile when receiving my reward for working so hard. Probably because it was a food gift card and right now I am hating food. I am angry at food, and during lunch I said to my plate, you are still here as always. All of this occur after my wonderful testimony at church New Year's Eve and an entire weekend of reading forums on another site in which people feel that fat people are nothing, and can only date men who are equally fat, disgusting or unattractive. They feel that fat people regardless of how attractive their face, personality or good their heart is are not worthy of having attractive partners or movie star level of beauty partners.
All I could say is that, I am happy that God does not operate that way or else 80% of people would go straight to hell because they were unattractive in some area. As far as God, am I angry with Him this time? No, but I am very hurt, very confused and I cannot see Him moving in this situation. Am I going to continue praying about this weight issue, NO because obviously He is telling me "NO" on a consistent basis. So, why continue to beat a dead horse? It is only causing me grief and pain. Do I plan on trying any other options? You've guessed it, NO. Quite frankly at this time I am done with this whole weight thing. Right now, I am so over it that I do not want to do anything but do my job and pay my bills! And who wants to do that?
I do not want think about healthy eating, exercising or none of that... I guess one could say that I have given this whole issue "the finger" and will walk away into my own abyss. This is my way of dealing with things. I do not pig out or abuse food, I shut everyone out. I have shut off my cell phone and I do not have a land line. I do not want to talk to anyone because I get tired of suggestions, encouragement and of them telling me how to feel because "it's not being myself". I am hurting and I have the right to grieve. It's not the best thing to do, but I focus on writing my stories instead of wallowing in self pity. And I cannot be happy all of the time! Sheesh! I am even considering canceling my trip to visit my friends in India, the dream of doing international missionary work and forgetting film school.
I was thinking of maybe quitting my job and getting on medicaid in order to have the surgery, or just find a job with a company that covers the surgery in their benefits. That's not easy to do when you've put in almost ten years at a company. This whole four-year crusade has been hell for me, and sometimes you gotta know when to zip up your breeches, put on your boots, unload your guns and walk away with your head held high coz you've put up a good fight. In closing, I say to you ALL who have been BLESSED enough to have had the surgery whether your insurance paid for it or not, and will or has had success with it..don't ever take it for granted. Those of you who have had the surgery and are struggling with working out, fighting cravings and hating that you are still able to eat as before...
The next time you feel defeated or that you are going to fail, or that maybe one or two slips won't hurt you... remember the people like myself, who do not have the ability to obtain this "tool" and may not ever get the opportunity to have the WLS, and are still in the fight and the struggle to get close to where you are... Maybe this will motivate you to stick to your regimen... Thanks for reading my posts... 
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Until next time, Keep it...
MySpace Glitter Graphics
Until next time, Keep it...
About Me
Chattanooga, TN
Location
60.0
BMI
Jul 17, 2006
Member Since
