When Mental help is denied.......and you don't care

Mar 07, 2008

Dear Lord please find it in your loving heart to deliver me from Satan Herself…..Little Debbie….

 

Jungle Love

 

Everything’s better when wet….

 

The question to everyone’s answer is usually asked from within……

 

We live in a world of illusion where everything’s peaches and cream…..

 

What a good week…I had a great Doctor visit, my partner and I took a couple of days off, and now it might snow tonight…..

I’m a big music nut. I always have some playing. I like to dance….I’m horrible at it…I like the way the music makes me feel….when I’m dancing I forget about the reality of crap that goes on daily…..Our ancient  ancestors danced to communicate with “beyond”..”God”…”The Great Whatever” the point is lower your stress……and move.   Step out of yourself….find some music you like…..it doesn’t matter what kind it is as long as you like it…..put it on…..  Get up and move….whether you do this as part of your exercise or just as fun….allow yourself to get lost… {Picture kids playing in the park}…..look like a fool…..laugh….enjoy yourself.  It’s a great stress reducer…..it also helps to put things into perspective……it says” I’m putting myself first….I don’t care if I look crazy….. This is fun……Hell; at least I’m not eating something”

Sing…even if you suck at it….Sing because it allows your voice to become one with the universe…it lets them know you here and your just a little off…Keep everyone guessing……it can make others wonder why you don’t seem to mind that your basket is not completely full.

Today I danced to The Steve Miller’s Band Jungle Love from which I took the italicized quotes that appear above….and The B-52’s 1989 album Cosmic Thing….(you know the one with Love Shack)……I also sang really loud…. to all of it…even  made up my own words…..how’s that for crazy….

Hey Y’all…… Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Have a great snowy weekend

And Shake your Honey Buns…..


I ain't had so much fun since the hogs ate my brother......

Feb 21, 2008

When I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery I felt…… confident. Now that I’m coming up on six months post op I have realized that the surgery is only….. One small piece in an overall plan to regain my life…….. And live.

 I have often heard that the journey is the destination; my destination being skin and bones…..with muscles in all the right places.  In the beginning … I dreamed (knew) that the pounds would melt off and make me……… perfect. Once arriving at my….. Destination how could things not be perfect?  Perfect……. in a way that skinny or weighing less would be the key to fulfillment and set all things right. I thought…….”I’m going to fail at this”………”I’m a fatty and that’s the way it is”…..”This is going to define me and my happiness”.   I read everything about what happens after surgery……that didn’t help with my worries….I wanted to win….I was going to win….And most of all I was going to enjoy it….be happy. Now… how I came to this…..I don’t know…..some of it came from hate and anger other…….from wanting to be alive…..again.  Realizing that I had wasted so much of my life on this one pursuit……I wondered about just trying to enjoy…..everything and  be grateful……And I discovered that I loved myself……my fat….my bald head…..my bad breath……my crooked toe…..my sadness. I guess waiting to get to my destination is futile because nothing stops……….until it ends…..I can’t waste any more time on waiting until I’m perfect……because that’s not living…..that’s something else and it made me sad…..hate filled……illogical for years.

I am happy…….this is a big thing. I’m smiling as I type these words……part of my brain is saying I love you …Keith and you will not fail.               


Up...up and away in my beautiful..my beautiful balloon.....

Sep 04, 2007

One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

 

                                                            Henry Miller

 

 

So, I have begun moving towards that new destination……I can’t say I’m not looking forward to the surgery….it’s just those fears….the same anxious feelings that occur when you’re preparing for a trip, new job, wearing that new pair of shoes for the first time. My fantasies have become more realistic or toned down…which in itself is very positive.

 

I have most everything lined up…my bag packed….living will signed….old food out new food in….Five days and counting …..Pre-testing is 9/6…

 

 


I picked the wrong time to stop doing drugs…..

Jul 19, 2007

This week sucked….I picked the wrong time to stop doing drugs…..It has been a total roller costar ride…filled with lots of crazy emotions. I finally had to get real pissed and take hard action….TN.DHS could not give me a str8 answer….I was being given all this information that no one could confirm nor could anyone tell where I could find a hard copy of the policy I was asking about. So, like a child being told NO!....I wrote letters to my state and federal representatives  along with TN Governor and the commissioner of DHS...Gina Lodge. I also started a call campaign where I called the governors offices as well as the Commissioners back to back.

 

 

Finally…I got a call back from Robin Orr saying that she was a representative of Gina Lodge and there to help me get all this worked out… It seemed that out of the 7 prior DHS workers that I had spoken with, none had taken the time to read my file…So, the conclusion… I have nothing to worry about because I have no money and on disability. I have Medicare as primary and Medicaid as secondary….I felt like I needed to smoke after all of that.

 

 

At the height of all the craziness I felt ashamed because I am on disability and receive state services. I was angry because I had to go over that information every time I spoke with a different person. But, most of all everyone made it seem as if disability was a permanent thing and why was I trying to get well.

 

 

So, what have I learned from all this?….If you piss me off….I’ll call the Governor on ya’.  

 

 

 


Freedom and Truth.............

Jul 08, 2007

It is said that the truth shall set us free and I wonder what this statement means.  How does truth liberate? Is it simply the act of acknowledging reality without any flourish, exaggeration, and/or build up? Truth and freedom; concepts that as Americans we are supposed to understand and cherish, but have we as a society devalued them or have we just become complacent?

 

Is this truth what Buddha referred to when he advised us to meditate and listen within to the eternal Om? Native Americans called it the voice of ancestors. Christians search for the realm of God so we can commune with our Lord.  Will understanding the truth about and in ourselves reveal freedom? Will this freedom mean having an unconditional love for ourselves? Will this give us peace and understanding?

 

The truth about me is that I want to be valued, but I don’t think I’m worth anything. Funny. I have allowed myself to be haunted by a child’s past. By doing this, I judge my worth by what someone else’s view was. I hide behind fat. I somehow believe it gives me strength when I know it only leads to weakness.

 

I have taken control of so many other aspects of my life why has food been such a problem? Success in most everything except my weight has come rather easy. I set my mind to something and I do it.  Where is that determination in weight loss.   

 

I love the words truth and freedom. I pledge to be true to myself…not allowing anything else but truth.  With that I promise to be free. Free about who I am, what I am, and what I want.  I believe this will have a profound impact on my life.

 

 


The Reformation of Richard K Gipson……

Jul 05, 2007

In 1546 Luther nailed a copy of the 95 Theses to the door of Castle Church in Wittenberg. He was opposing the actions of the Catholic Church, thus setting in motion the Reformation. This movement drastically changed Christianity. I too have nailed my Theses to my door and though it is not 95 items long I hope it brings about drastic change in the way I see and believe who I am.

 

I have come to terms with giving up not only food but also DIET COKE,….caffeine (is there any other reason to live?),any form of carbonation..(I love Champagne), but I’m not sure I will be able to give up many more of my vices. I’m planning on keeping the meth use and my addiction to glue sniffing.

 

You would think with the amount of meth I do I would have already dropped all this weight. That’s why I started doing it. The Meth and SunDrop diet and if you’re one of the first 100 callers you will receive a $100 coupon for dental work and a new pressure cooker.

 

I have also been playing with the idea of writing an obituary for my old self. Once I begin to lose weight I think it could be a reminder of what I have buried. I have already written a will leaving myself only healthy items and pledges to care for myself. Sometimes, for me, the silly creative ways of doing mundane unusual things make them seem less crazy.  

 

 


Keeping Track and Getting Prepared.....

Jun 29, 2007

7 Steps To Success
  • Decide Exactly What You Want
  • Write It Down
  • Set A Deadline On Your Goal
  • Make A List
  • Organize The list Into A Plan
  • Take Action On Your Plan Immediately
  • Do It!

  • Brushing off my top hat putting on my tails....

    Jun 28, 2007

    I have these fantasies that my weight is going to roll off me and everything that is wrong with me is going to be fixed……I wonder if I need to start planning my coming out party, now! I mean, I want an unveiling, cameras flashing, everyone a buzz at how I’ve gotten my life together and how damn great I look.

     

    In reality, I’ve got to figure out how to interpret those dreams and understand my needs. Hopefully, during the weight loss process I will have time to understand my emotions instead of ignoring and/or exaggerating them. I need to be my own cheerleader and not be dependent on others. Their praise will mean nothing if I continue to hate myself.

     

    The hardest thing for me has always been to like myself. I even wonder at times why others like me. The happy, boisterous, over the top character that I play is so false. I’m not sure at this stage of the game if I could even recognize myself.  It is about being lost. Somehow food and over eating wrap their arms around me. All these years I thought I was being saved when they were dragging me down.   

     

    Telling myself everyday that I love me……is embarrassing. I think sometimes I might even be blushing as I say it. But, there I am in the morning affirming my worth and importance hoping that someday it will be true.  Being huge, fatter than anyone else around, made me unimportant, the people around me didn’t do that I did it to myself. Do I know when it happened? Maybe.

     


    Understanding......

    Jun 25, 2007

    Deciding that you want to live is very different from deciding that you don’t want to die. The first is a positive approach while the last is negative. Does that small difference really matter? Is it possible to change our thinking and by doing so, will this allow us to achieve our goals? Is simply saying “I am going to do this” enough to motivate a change, to strengthen our souls and fill are hearts.   Are there other benefits that go beyond our understanding? What are we to fill our “holes” with, now that we don’t have food?

     Lots of questions about things that roll thru my mind and make me wonder about what really needs to change in me to succeed.

     I keep reading and hearing about the need to mourn after the surgery. I am also concerned about depression and guilt and how that will affect me. I understand that I am an emotional eater and I find my comfort in food. Rationally I know that food is meant to create energy for us to survive and the time is now to move towards that instead of believing it to be some cure or safety blanket.

     I understand the importance of having a support system to help with these issues. I know that this aspect will be difficult for me to fulfill. I will be looking for support from other sources instead of my family. I will not have support from many family members and I imagine that as the process of losing weight progresses I will have less and less. In many ways this will be a comfort for me because I have difficulty asking for help from them.  Maybe that’s conditioning because I am so critical of their help.

     I am worried………

     

     


    Results not typical....

    Jun 23, 2007

    I have been exposing myself to many different ideas and views on how to be successful in managing weight and getting healthy. In my pursuit of the philosopher’s stone (of fatlessness) I have been made me aware of a couple of things.

     

     

    1.     I’m not sure if these so called professionals understand what it truly means to have a mammoth weight problem. What I hear and read, when all the, pardon my pun….fat is cut away is “if you want to change you can”, “put your mind to it”, “if you just stop eating”, etc. etc. Which, just further says to us fat folks that we have no self control, we are failures, we don’t fit, etc. Even when studies and articles start out saying there is an underlining genetic or other physical reason, in the end it comes back to our laziness. Isn’t there some other reason? Why do I eat is the question I continue to ask myself (usually over a nice pound cake with caramel sauce…joking). I have looked at my emotional state, looked at boredom, anger, love of food, and I don’t know why…or the answer is beyond me.  This is not in any way saying that I am not at fault or that I don’t have control over my fatness, it is saying that maybe there is another element that has yet to be discovered.

     

     

    2.     As a demographic, fatties are easy to steal from. Most of us will try anything and pay any amount to lose weight.  Look at the commercials on TV, in print, at the store. The things we are promised in order for some company to make a buck are mind blowing. I always love the ad that says “I lost 75lbs in 3 months with (fill in blank)"……but if you look close you can notice the disclaimer…that’s the thing that says this is all a bunch of shit. We need to be smarter. We also need to pass it on…..once we begin to meet our personal goals we need to help another fatty…..even if it is just a kind word because by just sharing something as small as that we acknowledge their strife and affirm ours. Maybe a more positive approach comes from all this Fatty Love that in some ways allows us all to shed what we don’t need.

     

     


    About Me
    Jasper, TN
    Location
    53.5
    BMI
    Jul 25, 2005
    Member Since

    Friends 21

    Latest Blog 13
    When Mental help is denied.......and you don't care
    I ain't had so much fun since the hogs ate my brother......
    Up...up and away in my beautiful..my beautiful balloon.....
    I picked the wrong time to stop doing drugs…..
    Freedom and Truth.............
    The Reformation of Richard K Gipson……
    Keeping Track and Getting Prepared.....
    Brushing off my top hat putting on my tails....
    Understanding......
    Results not typical....

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