Thoughts of a loser

Nov 15, 2010

Well this morning I weighed myself, which is funny now. I used to weigh myself everyday, sometimes several times a day. I was obsessed. Since I hit 155, I haven't seemed to care anymore. I forget to weigh for sometimes days at a time. This morning the scale was down 2 pounds. I am not even sure when the lat time I weighed myself. I wonder if I should be starting to worry about maintenance. I still have chubby thighs, but all else is good. I am looking into plastics. Since tucking excess skin into your pants is not yet an Olympic event, I am gonna chop the stuff off. At 45 it is not as bad as I thought it would be, but not something I am showing off either. I am thinking of going to the Caribbean to get my work done. Sounds like a hell of a good plan to me lol. They also have some rocking prices.
 I eat without having to think about it much anymore. I still track my food, because if I don't I tend to not eat enough. I track to keep up my protein and calories now, instead of track to keep them under a certain point. I have been having trouble lately keeping up on my fluids. I have also found that when I do not have enough fluids, I get a hungry feeling. I am not hungry, I am thirsty, but I feel hungry. I now wonder if this is what some people are feeling when they say they feel hungry all the time after surgery? If I drink enough, I never get this feeling.
 I no longer have to take my acid meds daily. I only take it if I feel like I need it. Which is about once a week. I feel that tightness in my left shoulder and know I need to take it.
 I sometimes feel like my old self, the fat me, was not real. I look at pictures and think to myself, I never felt that fat. Funny how I look so much bigger to myself now when I look back.  I saw a picture of me with a group of friends a couple years ago from behind. We were all wearing leathers and I was wondering who that big chick was. I did not remember anyone that big being with us. Then with a shock I realized it was me!  I had a similar experience yesterday. I saw a picture of a bunch of friends and we were all looking out over the water by the ferry. There were also a bunch of strangers in the picture. I was amazed when I recognized which one was me, and that I was the smallest one in the picture. I almost started crying. What a difference 9 months makes.
 I started in a tight size 20, they were a pair that ran big too. I should have been in a size 22. I had a pair of size 22's and they fit, but I refused to wear them. I had this thing in my head that 20 was ok, but 22 was too big. Crazy stuff gets in your head sometimes you know? Now I wear a size 6, some of those are a little loose, but I cannot imagine wearing anything smaller, and some of the size six are tight. Funny how a single size can vary so much. I will probably fit in a smaller size easily when I have my extra skin chopped off. I wear a medium shirt, I would probably wear a small, and I do in some things, but I still have size D bras and shoulders. I have lost somewhere over 100 pounds since my highest weight a month before surgery. Well, the highest weight I know of. I had not weighed myself for years until I finally decided to actually have the surgery and told my PCP I was going to do it. For all I know I could have weighed a lot more at some point. 
 If you are newly sleeved and think this is hard, it gets easier. The first month it is tough, and you may think you did a crazy thing, but from then on it just gets easier everyday. I sometimes miss the early part. The excitement of watching the weight fall off everyday. Looking forward to getting up in morning and seeing the scale go down again. It is a hell of a ride!
 If you are thinking of having this surgery do it. It is not easy, but it is still the best thing I have done for myself. I wish I had been able to do it years ago when I was younger. I have so much more fun being thinner. I feel better, I daily amaze myself how easy doing almost anything is anymore. I used to have chronic pain, that is a thing of the past. I used to have migraines, they are gone too. 
 I have gone from being the biggest one in my group of friends to being the smallest. From being the biggest one in my family, to being the smallest. From being the biggest, loudest, funniest biker chick in a group, to just being the Best BikerChickk I can be. 

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