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I know I don't post on here very often, but I really felt like I should share this with all of you.  I belong to Harmony, a Unitarian Universalist Community in Mason, Ohio.  The services are completely layled.  The sermon each week is written by a volunteering member of the congregation and I was lucky enough to do the first one of 2013.  Due to my focus on post WLS life, I took this opportunity to share my story and take a look at body image and self esteem.  The following is the text from my sermon.  I used PowerPoint with this in person as well, but you'll just have to imagine lots of great supporting pictures.  :)

 

 

Why Do We Hate Ourselves?

 A look at body image, self-esteem, and how society damages them both.

By Billie Ann Wolf

How many times a day do you decide to hate yourself?  How many days go by that you can’t stand the sight of your reflection in the mirror?  Even though a lot of us don’t actually voice this self-hatred, most of us have these negative thoughts far too often.  Some of us hate our bodies.  Some of us hate our hair.  Some of us even hate our gender.  This self-hate is only deepened by the images and expectations bombarding us in today’s society.  How can we possibly learn to love ourselves, so that we may love the rest of this amazing, beautiful world?  I don’t have the answers, but let me tell you my story.  A story about a girl who’s angst and hatred of her body has hindered her in love, life, and spirituality.

My name is Billie.  I am a 30 year old wife and mother.  I am on my second marriage and have three perfect children. Okay, some of you know that last part is a stretch. *cough* Winston *cough*.    These are all things that describe me, but none of these are the first thing that comes to mind when I think about myself.  No.  These will always take a back seat to, “Hi my name is Billie and I’m the fat girl.”

I have been overweight since I was 8 years old.  I don’t blame my parents, no matter how much my shrink may give me the opportunity, but I am fully aware that my adult obesity stems from the horrible eating habits and insecurities of my childhood.  Before the age of 8, I was an active kid. I loved to play softball, race down the street with my friends, and I was even in gymnastics.  Eventually though, I became yet another victim of Nintendo, fried foods, and, my Achilles Heel, sweets. 

At the age of 7, I was hospitalized for stomach issues.  After numerous medical tests, my pediatrician diagnosed me with “clinical depression and stress”.  I sat through my first therapy session at the age of 8.  By the time I was in 4^th grade, I was THE fat kid in class. Once I entered Junior High, I was officially obese.  I was lucky to only have a few incidents with bullying, but regardless of how infrequent, they still left one hell of an impact on my self-esteem.  I began taking anti-depressants at age 15, and eventually I convinced my parents that I no longer needed therapy.  This was the catalyst for a series of self-destructive behaviors.  I started going to parties with college kids while my parents thought I was sleeping over at a friend’s house.  I experimented with drugs, alcohol, and sex.  I was constantly fighting with my parents.  My grades were slipping for the first time in my life, despite the fact that I had always been an honor student.  My interest in “normal” teenage activities was replaced with a fascination in everything that my family wasn’t…dark, mysterious, and unconventional.   I was obsessed with new age spirituality, but constantly felt like I was disconnected with my own soul.  I became the epitome of the weird goth kid, complete with fishnets, dog collars, and combat boots.  I wanted to do everything in my power to be unattractive.  Looking back, I can now see that this was an attempt to avoid being held up to the standards of “normal” people.  I knew that I would never look like my gorgeous cheerleader friends.  I knew I’d never get asked out by the cute boy that stood behind me in choir.  I was Billie Ann Howard. ..The funny, weird, chubby girl.  I was lucky to have lots of friends, but just like most teenage girls, I longed for someone to tell me that I was beautiful. 

My depression became unbearable.  I had frequent suicidal thoughts.  I began cutting myself in unnoticeable places.  I would carve words like “freak” “unworthy” and “whore” into my chubby midsection.  I was a lost soul because I ate too much, and this, in turn, would only drive me to eat more.  I would come home from school or drama practice and eat an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes just to feel SOMETHING, but this faux euphoria quickly faded, and I was left feeling spiritually empty, not to mention nauseous.

Flash forward a few years, I graduated high school in the dead center of my class and opted to marry the first guy who told me that he loved me, instead of going to college.  One week after our wedding, I found out I was pregnant.  I was 18, living on my own with a new little life growing inside of me.  I took myself off of my anti-depressants and began eating more.  I used the excuse of pregnancy cravings to eat an entire large pizza plus appetizers in one sitting.  When I had to be put on bed rest due to complications, the calories had nowhere to go.  I gained over 100 lbs. in that pregnancy.  When I delivered my first child, I was a 19 year old kid…who happened to weigh a heartbreaking 318 lbs.

I continued struggling with my morbid obesity through a few very rough years, which included the death of my father and a messy divorce…All the more reason to find happiness at the bottom of pint of ice cream, right?  As a single mother, I began slipping even further into my insecurities.  Whenever my son was at his father’s, I would binge drink and party constantly…Anything to make the pain go away for a night.

Years passed.  I met an amazing man, added on a couple more kids; a couple dozen more pounds, and began living a life that I never thought possible.  I had become a stay at home mother in the ‘burbs.  I had what so many other women wanted, yet I was still miserable.  Trapped in the dark black abyss that was my mind, I could frequently be found in fetal position on the couch for hours every day.

After having a few panic attacks and mental breakdowns, I decided that I should start going to therapy again.  This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself and my children.  I was lucky enough to find a psychologist who really “got” me.  I was immediately diagnosed with, not only clinical depression, but also Borderline Personality Disorder.  He and I have done some really intense work on my psyche.  With his help, and the help of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, I started to understand (and more importantly, LOVE) myself a little for the first in my life.  I am still working through my issues with body image and self-esteem, but I can honestly say that I’m on the right track.  Therapy also helped me get to the right mental space to look at myself pragmatically.  I finally decided that all of the physical damage I had done to my body; the creaking knees, the aching back, the fatigue, had to be dealt with.  This is how I started my journey towards bariatric surgery.

Let me take a minute to clear something up about weight loss surgery.  It is NOT the easy way out.  It’s NOT for everyone.  I struggle daily to choke down all my vitamins and protein that are essential for living.  A lot of people ask me why I didn’t just diet and exercise to lose the weight.  I struggled for years over this decision, but dropping 200 pounds while dealing with mental health issues, raising three kids, keeping a marriage alive, and constantly aching in every bone in my body was not something I could tackle without some sort of tool.  I just want to make it perfectly clear, that I did not have gastric bypass surgery so that I could look like everyone else.  I had it so that I could LIVE.

That being said, I am now losing weight at an unimaginable rate.

I feel healthier than ever and I’m so much more confident, but I have such a long way to go.  Everyone can see that I am changing physically, but what they can’t see is how I am reconnecting with my own soul.  I joke that she was buried under those 70 lbs. that I’ve already dropped, but honestly, I think I just wouldn’t let myself acknowledge that I even had a soul until now.  I wasn’t worthy.  I was nothing.  Well, screw that.  I’m not done.  I have come way too far to stop now.  I want to get to know myself on a spiritual level.   I want to get to the point that I don’t care about my appearance.  I want to care about Billie, body, mind, and soul.  The work I need to do is obviously physical, but it is even more so mental.  I need to learn to love myself right now, in this moment, in this body.  I am more than my body.  I am more than my imperfections.  We all are.

The following video is by one of my favorite artists and just so happens portray this topic and my story perfectly.  No pun intended.  There are a few intense scenes, but I believe that these raw moments are what make it so inspiring….

***   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3GkSo3ujSY  ***

So, that’s my story.  Everyone has one.  In a society that demands beauty and perfection, we are all going to fall short.  The focus of the media has been entirely too concentrated on inaccurate portrayals of men and women.  Barbie and Ken bodies are unattainable, yet so many of us still strive to have a flawless body and the face of a model.

According to an article in The Huffington Post, "If Barbie were an actual woman, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe, she likely would not menstruate... she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions."

Yet, Barbie has been one of the most prevalent, female, childhood role models for generations.  How are we supposed to love ourselves if we aspire to be something that is so out of reach? 

The actual humans in today’s media aren’t much better.  Most runway models meet the Body Mass Index physical criteria for Anorexia.  In a world full of diversity, our televisions are still bombarded with images of stereotypical blue eyed, blonde, bombshells. 

It’s beyond unfair to subject ourselves to these standards.  The little girl with a missing appendage has an uphill battle to ever see her true beauty when she watches Cinderella.  The teenage girl with a big nose and small breasts will wonder if she will ever be loved after staring at Kim Kardashian.  The teenage boy who struggles with acne and a thin frame will have to fight to feel like he is equal to the Brad Pitts of the world.  The aging husband and father of two may be overcome with feelings of inadequacy while watching Magic Mike with his wife. 

There are so few role models for us to look up to now.  Looks are of the upmost importance to succeed in life.  Everything else comes second.  There is so much pressure for people, young and old alike, to conform to standards in which we never got a say.  Is it any wonder why so many of us struggle with eating and/or mental disorders?  I doubt that anyone in this room could honestly say “Yeah, I don’t know anyone who’s depressed.” 

Is this what we want to instill in the next generation?

My personal struggle may be with obesity, but negative body image can stem from so many “imperfections”.  None of us are perfect.  Some of us are tall.  Some of us are short.  Some of us are thin.  Some of us are thick.  Some have dark skin.  Some have light.  People have straight hair.  People have curly hair.  We have cellulite.  We have pimples.  We have age spots.  We have body hair.  Some of us are missing teeth.  Some of us are missing hair.  We have scars, skin tags, and stretch marks, but we also have the ability to feel sensual, sexy, and just downright special. 

Within each of us is a longing for unconditional love. It is in our genetic makeup.  We all want to be desired, so many of us want romance and admiration, yet we convince ourselves that we are unworthy.  What if we could stop relying on others and give this gift to ourselves?   I like Oscar Wilde’s suggestion.  He once said “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”   It certainly sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?

The issue of body image and self-esteem is something that is so dear to me.  Now that I have children, I want to make sure that they know what unconditional love feels like.  I want them to understand that their bodies are not their worth.  I want my sons to feel confident, regardless if they don’t look like The Avengers.  I want my daughter to feel beautiful even if she ends up chubby like her mama. 

We are so focused on what everyone else thinks about us, that we slowly learn to neglect ourselves. These are only our shells.  They are not what define us.  We are thinkers.  We are dreamers. We are lovers.  We are loved.  

We walk this earth for such a short amount of time, why don’t we pledge to focus on the things that matter?  We can fight off the self-hate with our love for others.  We can turn off the television when it’s telling us that we aren’t good enough and read a book to stimulate our mind instead.  We can choose meditation over the latest issue of Cosmo or GQ .  We can remove negative people from our lives and join a local like-minded community filled with people who want us to succeed instead.

I am not perfect and I don’t want to be.  I hope hearing my story will help someone realize that they have the ability to love themselves as well.  To be honest, I was so worried about what people would think about me that I almost bailed on this entire sermon!  I was concerned that it would either come off as “stupid” or “self-serving”, but the process of writing this has been nothing less than cathartic and if I can help inspire one single person to love themselves, then all of my anxiety was worth it.  Plus, there is always Xanax. 

The bottom line is, I’m learning to love myself and I want it so badly for all of you. 

With a new year upon us, we all have the opportunity to start fresh. Resolutions are what we call them, we all have made ours. The problem with New Year’s Resolutions is they only happen once a year. We, every day, every moment, have the power to let go of the things in our lives that are weighing us down. So that’s my resolution: the promise to myself, daily, to face what I see in the mirror every morning as it is. Beautiful, ugly, scared, anxious, threatened, vulnerable, brave, strong and all of the rest…and to love whatever I see looking back at me in that moment. 

Won’t you join me?

Well, my surgery date has come and gone, and I am still in shock.  I had my laproscopic RNY done on Monday, September 17th at 7:30am and it's been a strange long trip ever since.

I finally got to come home yesterday, and I was so happy to be back with my family.  My kids are still learning to be gentle with mommy's "boo boos", but all and all, things are going very well.  Oh, and I'm NEVER HUNGRY!!!

My surgery was complication free, but I did have a day of dehydration while I figured out how much to drink, when to drink, etc.  The staff at the hospital was amazing too.  I would highly recommend Dr. Kerlakian and Good Samaritan Hospital in Cincinnati to anyone who is considering having WLS.  

I have some much to share on here, but I am stil on a pretty large dose of liquid Percoset, so instead of risking something ridicuous being typed here, I will share it all later.  :)

Thanks for all your support!  I hope everyone is doing well!

-BBA

 I am currently sitting in the waiting room at Good Samaritan. Surgery starts in two hours! 
See you all on the losers bench!!!

-BBA

Holy crap, I'm freaking out!  

So, a few days ago I wrote an awesome blog entry.  It was (in my opinion) a rather witty look at my craving for meat.  Oh, steak, how I miss thee.  Nonetheless, it's obviously not posted on here.  That's because my dumb ass decided to hit the back button and I lost everything!  :(  I think this is a lesson.  Wit need not apply to my bariatric blog.  

On another note, I am doing fantastic on my 2 week, semi-liquid, diet.  I'm down around 12 pounds!  I honestly feel like I'm down about 30 though.  I feel hungry still and I miss pasta and meat, but most I am rather satisfied most of the time.  The hardest part of my day is during family dinner.  My husband has been great and feeds the kids in the kitchen while I try to keep myself busy.  I feed them the other meals throughout the day and don't have any problems, but there is something about dinner.  I just can't explain it.  I've had a few nights where I went in the other room and cried.  Probably more from my nervous energy regarding my upcoming surgery, than from actually missing food.  

My nutritionist has me on a daily diet that is basically this...

-80g of protein via protein shakes
-TONS of water all day long (some sf, non-carbonated drinks are okay too)
-NO meat....even my soups have to be vegetarian
-NO caffeine :(
-Limited amounts of fruit (up to two 1/2cup servings per day)
-Raw or steamed veggies are allowed (she wasn't very clear on the amount though)
-Vitamins, Vitamins, Vitamins!  (I'm doing normal multivitamin packs which include my iron and calcium requirements too until surgery bc they're cheaper and I sort of need to use them up, and I added in some liquid sublingual B12 drops as well)
-Small amounts of sf/ff jello, pudding, or popsicles are allowed as well

So, it's really not that hard.  I have cheated a little though.  Nothing like a meal or anything, but I stole a bite of sauceless pulled pork one day (literally half the size of my pinkie)...my kids fed me two animal crackers another day...and one day I did a work around and ate a bun-less, cheese-less, veggie burger.  The latter, I feel, should be allowed anyway, considering it was all vegetables, right?  (Not to mention it was NOT very tasty.  Cheat Fail!)

As of mid-week one, I had completely kicked my caffeine addiction too!  I was only letting myself have one cup of coffee in the morning with some sf vanilla non-dairy creamer in it.  I was super proud of myself because before this diet, I would easily consume 4-6 caffeinated beverages a day.  I was a junky!  Anyway, after I kicked the addiction, I went an entire week without ANY caffeine whatsoever!  Then I gave in and had a cup yesterday morning, and well, I'm having another right now, but it's only 1 cup per day, so I'm not beating myself up over it.  I don't NEED it anymore.  It just helps calm my nerves to have some sort of normalcy during this crazy pre-op stage.

Speaking of beating myself up....I'm still smoking!  I'm so mad at myself, but I think I've subconsciously decided to smoke up until surgery.  So dumb, I know.  I have less than 24 hours until I am admitted into the hospital though, so I guess it is what it is.  :(  

Last night was probably the hardest night of this diet.  My friend through a birthday party for her husband and since I helped her make the decorations and stuff, I felt that I couldn't bail on the party itself.  I felt so weird being the only one not drinking or eating all the junk food.  I had a red solo cup like everyone else, but mine was filled with ice water.  Almost everyone asked me why I wasn't drinking though.  Damn, how did they know it wasn't vodka?!?  And my dear, sweet, slightly intoxicated, friend told them all that I couldn't' because I am having surgery on Monday morning and I need my liver in shape.  She's so proud of me, which I love, but that also opened the floodgates of virtual strangers asking me "Oh, my god.  Are you okay?  What kind of surgery?  Oh, I'm a nurse, let me give you advice.  Blah, blah blah...".  I just said screw it and told people the truth.  Everyone was supportive and some were excited, but then there was my friend's mother-in-law...the "nurse".  She said that her uncle died due to complications from the surgery (but I'm pretty sure that was ages ago during the old school stomach stapling times).  She just kept harping on me all night and asking my friend to talk me out of the surgery.  She even said "if you can do the diet for life after surgery, why can't you just do it now without surgery?!?".  She was lucky that I wasn't drinking.  My sobriety was the only thing keeping me civil.  If I had a few drinks I would have had a totally different outlook on what to say to her overbearing ass.  But, I kept calm and avoided her as much as possible.  My friend and her husband were apologizing to me all night.  I told them that it was fine.  I don't need anyone else to tell me what I'm doing is the right choice for me.  I have educated myself to the fullest before making this decision and I'm going with my gut (no pun intended!).  

Okay, well I have a ton of things to get done before I leave for the hospital at 4am!  I want my husband to have a leg up on the typical housework and chaos that comes with having three kids, so I need to clean and organize a few things.  My mother-in-law is flying in on my second week of post-op, so I am stressing about the house and stuff being ready for her too.  I also need to get my prescriptions filled, so that I have my pain, nausea, etc. meds waiting for me when I get home.  Oh, and I still need to pack a small bag for the hospital!  Ahhhh!  Have I mentioned that I'm freaking out?!?

Yup, time to get off of my laptop and burn some of this nervous energy with a hardcore house cleaning and some extra play time with my three little birds...Xavier (11), Winston (4), and Olive (2).  :)

Wishing you all well...

Peace and Love,
BBA

So, as of yesterday, I officially have two weeks left before my RNY.  This means it's time to start my pre-op diet!  I was dreding it pretty badly, but honestly it's not that bad.  I'm on day two and I had a protein shake and a banana this morning and I feel completely full.  I need to work on getting my vitamins and water in though.  I'm slacking, but I will build up to it.  I am also cheating a little and having one cup of coffee a day.  I'm trying to be good by using fat free vanilla creamer and no sugar.  I figure one cup is better than my normal three (not to mention all of the soda I used to drink!).  

The night before I started my diet, I had a sort of "alcohol funeral".  My best friend took me out to our local watering hole and we talked all about my hopes and fears regarding my upcoming surgery.  We cut loose and had a few too many drinks, but I think it was a good thing.  (Well, other than the hangover on the first morning of my diet!  Oops!)  I needed one last  night out like that though.  He helped get me excited about everything too.  He told me that he was going to hate me when I'm all skinny and he's still fat.  lol  That may sound mean, but it came from a good place.  We have an interesting relationship.  He also warned me that if I "get all skinny and start whoring it up" that he would beat me.  ;)

Okay, so I am off to find some way of tracking my food/water/vitamin intake.  I'm horrible about ignoring reminders from all of the apps on my iPhone, so maybe I will go old school and make an excel sheet checklist to print off and hang on the fridge.   I'm also hoping to find time to measure myself today.  I think having these numbers to look back on will motivate me in the future.  

Hope all of you are having a great day!!

-Billie

 Hey, everyone!  

So, I have just about 3 weeks until surgery and I'm getting very excited!  I had my pre-op appointment with my PCP on Thursday and he said that he could see me easily losing 200 lbs total.  He also thinks that come January or so, I will be declaring this surgery as the best decision I ever made.  I felt great to have someone else tell me that they believe in me!  I told him that hopefully he and his staff won't recognize me the next time I come in!  :)

The next morning, I had my pre-op appointments with my surgeon's nurse, my dietician, and my surgeon, himself.  This was the first time I had my husband come with me and he was very impressed with everyone.  He said he trusts my surgeon completely and isn't worried about the surgery at all.  I loved having him at the appointment with me, not only because he is the most important person in my life, but also because he got to hear all of the advice and instructions for pre-op, which is awesome because I have a terrible memory!

So, now I'm just waiting to hear from the hospital.  They are supposed to call me to schedule pre-op testing.  Yay, bloodwork!  I start my 2 week pre-op diet in a week too.  I can't believe how fast this is happening!  

Oh, and speaking of that diet...I have been replacing a meal with protein shakes here and there for the past week or so, and I finally found one that is like a real treat!  It's the Birthday Cake flavor from About Time.  It tastes and smells just like cake batter...just a little less sweet.  I love all of their flavors actually!  I'm also an Unjury Chocolate Splendor fan, but About Time just has so many other flavors (Mocha Mint, Chocolate Peanut Butter, Orange Dreamsicle, etc)  to mix it up.  I have a feeling that I should buy stock in this company ASAP.  lol

Okay, now I'm off to install some medication and food tracking apps on my iPhone!  Hope all of you are finding success and happiness!!

-BBA

Okay, I have exactly one month until surgery, and I cannot stop researching every little thing.  I have been obsessing over blogs, reviews, and other sites like mad.  

I've decided to start replacing a meal or two a day with protein shakes, just to get used to them, but this only led to more research.  Which ones do I get?  How much do I get?  Maybe I should try some protein bars too.  Where's the best deal?  Do they sell it on Amazon?  Can I find it locally?  Whey vs. Soy? What about shipping costs?  And shelf life? Oh, and then there are the vitamins!  

Okay, I must stop myself.  I'm just so excited and nervous about this life change.  Is it weird that researching data and creating Excel sheets calms me down?  :)

Holy crap!  I can't believe how real this all feels now.  I just got off the phone with my surgeon's office, and we scheduled my surgery for September 17th, 2012.  That's a month away!!!  

I'm so excited, but scared to death!