kim sudduth

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I am having to take in my clothes so that they fit me... that is something that I have never had to do before.  I have always had to deal with not having anything to work with to let things out so they fit.   It is a strange feeling to be sewing up the sides of a top or a skirt, literally taking it in 2- 3 inches. WOW!  It feels great!    I do not want to buy new clothes just yet, so I have dug into the back of the closet or have gotten into the tubs of clothes that I had set aside years ago for a garage sale.  Granted they are not new clothes but believe me they feel like new things since I have not worn them in several years.   

Lately I have been wearing some old duds that I could not even begin to get over my big hips or tummy and now that is not a problem. It is a weird feeling to know that the last time I wore it, I was probably afraid I was going to rip out the seams since it was tight on me.   I've also noticed several of my skirts and dresses that I am wearing now are to long and I trip over the hem.  Bizzare!  This is an experience this big gal has never known before and it is mind boggling for me.  

I sew for myself and have for years, that was at one point the only way I could have clothing, was to make it myself.  I take it as a blessing from GOD that he blessed me with the talent to sew, otherwise I would have been in bad shape trying to find clothing to fit me.   

Recently one weekend  I made a new demin skirt since my older ones are literally thread bare and WAY TO BIG for me now.  I have used the same style skirt for years and believe me I know what size to cut out for me.   WEll,  I got it all put together and tried it on and it fell to the floor, WAY TO BIG.... imagine that on my body.   THat has never happened before for this BIG GAL...    I literally had to take the skirt apart and cut it down quiet a bit to fit me.   That was a major eye opener for me that I am shrinking and no where near  the size I was previously.  

This weekend I have spent today taking my clothes IN to fit me now so that I have something half way decent to wear that doesn't make me look like a total slob.   Even my shoes no longer fit me and I have a hard time keeping them on my feet, so it's time to dig in the closest for some other shoes or better yet go buy a few new pairs.  I did mention in an previous blog about some ugly shoes that I have been wearing these past several years.   

Being a big gal you go for comfort instead of pretty or stylish.  I have for the last several years worn these what I call my "ugly shoes" which were ones that I could adjust due to my feet swelling and also light weight. I also went to the slip on styles since I could no longer tie or buckle my own shoes.
THose that know me, know that I had a thing for shoes and my closet was full of all sorts shoes and that I gave up when I became really heavy.   I would long to wear those cute shoes but knew that there was no way.  I got rid of alot of my cute stylish shoes only keeping the ones that I just could not  let go of.  Well, I now have normal size feet again and can wear those cute shoes again.   I am glad I kept some of them.  

I threatened to have a "ugly shoe" burning ceremony and swear to never wearing those type shoes ever again... I did pitch a couple of pairs of slip on sandals, which by the way were men's sandals.  I have however, kept one pair that I just can't seem to get rid of and want to wear all the time even now. I keep saying I need to go on a shoe shopping trip soon and see what is out there.  I have purchased a pair of canvas tennis shoes which I have worn and it felt so strange to have my foot completely closed in with a shoe.   TO think I use to wear Keds canvas tennis shoes all the time too... wow, how things change.  

I think I should go buy myself as a reward for my great progress a new outfit or two and shoes to go with.   I really have no idea what size I am down to and this would give me an chance to find out.  

Not quiet ready to do the shop til you drop thing but I do think a trip to Catherine's or Lane Bryant's might be a good thing.  

Kim

I started my first job after being off for more than 3 yrs on Aug 22nd, 2007, the same day my son, Matt started his first day of college classes.  
WHat an emotional and exciting day it was for both of us.  New adventures in our lives.  He survived his first day at college and I survived my first day back in the work force.  HORRAY!!

I do have to admit I was a little reluctant when I walked into the office that morning.  In the back of my mind, this little voice was saying, you are not ready for this, you need to stay home and lose some more weight.   You are just setting yourself up for failure.  I took a deep breath and kept on walking.   Everyone was very pleasant and receptive to me. 

The first day was filled with excitement, nervousness, and apprehension all rolled into one bundle.  I made it through the first day and went home with a huge smile on my face and feeling like I had overcome a enormous huddle in my life, working again.  I feel like I had worth again, that I had meaning, power, encouragement, self confidence and an overwhelming sense of pride that I had DONE IT!     

But let me tell ya, I was mentally exhausted that evening when I got home.  My brain felt like mush, my neck and back ached and I couldn't think.  I have not worked my brain like that in a long time.  I had gotten slack mentally and having to focus and concentrate on numbers, figures and pricing information, it wore me out.   Working from your home is a completely different environment and much more relaxed.  

I was even asked as I left that day if I was coming back tomorrow.. and I laughed and stated "YEs, Indeed! "  I made it those three days, Wed, Thurs and Fri and by the end of the week on Fri Iwas working on my own in my office and felt like I was getting into the groove of things.   I left that day knowing that I had made it thru the first week, even though a short one and that I was very proud of myself for going for it and never giving up.  I was determined to get a job and feel worthy again.

It was a challenge to get back into the old grind of thinking work, getting ready for work, and being organized and getting my act in gear.  Getting up at 5:30am was a long ago thing and it was not easy at first, and now it is no big deal. I do however, make my lunch and pick out my clothes the evening before, just to save time.  

It feels good to be able to say that I am an Account Coordinator for a Lawn and Garden Company.   HOrray!!!!!!!!!!    

KIM

I attended my SUpport Group today at The Institute for Advanced Bariatric Surgery, the hosiptal where I had my surgery.   I arrived early enough to also listen in on the Seminar Mtg that was for those interested in the surgeries.  It brought back a flood of memories of my first visits when I was researching the surgeries and trying to find a surgeon for me.   THe room was full as always and I looked at the people, both men and women all ages and sizes and thought about where I was that first time I came to one these seminars.  THat seems so long ago, but yet it was only last yr.    I was desperate, scared, anxious and nervous all wrapped up in one big bundle back then.  I listened as Dr. K did her presentation and I watched her talk to everyone and I had tears come to my eyes as I stood there.. thinking how very lucky I was to have this remarkable woman as my surgeon, who helped save my life.   I also thought about how far I had come.. I was in a wheelchair back then and today I was STANDING at the back of the room with other patients  listening to the presentation.    A big change since the first time walking into that facility.

Dr. K had a few of us come forward to share our stories and to have us answer any questions they might have since we were patients, some having had the LAP BAND surgery and some with the GASTRIC BYPASS surgery.   I felt very proud to be standing there in front of the room and given the opportunity to share my story.  I am still a big gal compared to some of the other patients and for me to be able to stand there was a huge accomplishment.  I shared my story and enjoyed being able to answer questions they had and to watch their faces as they looked at our before pictures and seeing us now.   It was a great experience.

After the seminar, the Support Group gathers to share information, encouragement and give support to each other.  It is a gathering of patients at all different levels and it was fantastic.  I met a group of wonderful people that I so admire and have been inspired to keep moving forward to reach my goal.  It was good to hear others that were experiencing some of the same issues I was, so I didn't feel isolated or alone with it.   I am glad I attended and I will definitely be attend those in the future..( plus you earn points for all the meetings you attend).  

I had not attended any previous meetings because I am still some what self conscious about my weight and how people react to me.  I know it's ridiculous to let it control me, but it does and has.  I am still a big gal even though I have lost a large amt of weight and to have others see me still as being big is sometimes difficult.  Ihave started carrying my before pictures with me so that I am a walking advertisement for the surgery.  LOL   I am working on getting over this self conscious feeling I have and to realize that maybe I could possibly help that one person who sees me out there among everyone else, the courage to take the necessary steps in their lives to make a change as well.  

I just want to say that I so admire and respect each person I met today and look forward to watching them change and reach their goals on their weight loss journey.   I have truely been blessed with a wonderful group of new friends.  Thank each and every one of you!!!!  

IT is important to attend the Nutriental and Behavorial Meetings,  Seminars, and SUpport Groups to keep you going and motivated along the way.  We all have bad habits and ruts that we get into and you need the support, information, encouragement and advice that will help you change those bad habits and ruts into positive changes that will effect you for a lifetime. 

Thanks again to all the wonderful people, new friends, and staff that are part of my life now.   

KIM

ACTUALLY GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER BEING OFF FOR MORE THAN 3 YRS.....

When I lost my job in May of 2004 I was devastated and not prepared financially or emotionally for losing my job.  I tried for a yr to get a new job and didn't have any luck.  I was turned down for jobs I knew I was qualified for and yet they found a clever way of saying they couldn't use me.  Over the phone they were so eager to talk to me and indicate that I was the ONE for the position and as soon as we would meet in person, I could see the rejection on their faces.   Here I had over 20 yrs of experience and I can't get a job doing  simple office procedures, what is wrong with this picture.  Let me tell you... it was my weight.  THey were judging me by my looks without giving me an opportunity to show them I knew what I was doing.   Talk about rejection hitting me in the face full force.  Iwas devastated and became very depressed.  It is one thing to have a person not like you or like how you look, but to have a Company not want you because of your looks or your weight is horrible. 

I have over the last 3 yrs struggled to make ends meet and have had to become very creative in generating an income to survive and I have.  Once I had my surgery I knew that eventually I would go back to work and have to deal with the absence I had from the outside world and the work force.  

I decided it was time to see if I could get a job and decided to go for it.  I was scared of the rejection that I would possibly get and yet I knew I had to do it.  I started sending out my resume to different ads that I found in the paper and online and I immediately started receiving calls for interviews.  I figured that would happen, and that first interview was gonna be the ultimate test, would I be rejected again for my size even though I am considerably smaller.  

I made it through the first interview and even had a second one with the same Company.  It gave me the self confidence that I needed and I pushed forward.  I found a job after only 2 wks of having sent out my resume and I am thrilled.  I feel like I am back in the real world now.  IT will be a challenge and it will be interesting meeting all the new people that I will work with, but I am ready.   I still have issues with moving slower and not having the strength to stand on my feet for long periods of time.  As time goes by I will get stronger and my muscles will improve allowing me to walk faster and to be able to stand longer.  
 
I am still scared of the what if's and will I be able to handle this.  I use to freak out whenever I had to go someplace I wasn't familiar with. I would always have to scope out the place to make sure I could walk the distance or even get inside the building.  I do not think that way any longer.  In taking this job I will be getting additional exercise due to walking more and being up and down with my job.  I am excited to see how I progress with this change in my routine and life.  

I was even afraid of what I would have to wear, since alot of my clothing no longer fits me and I am limited on what I have hanging in the closet.  Thank goodness I can wear casual clothing and the office is a very relaxed environment.  

I start on Aug 22nd and I have been trying to get myself into that work related thinking mode, which is hard. MY office has been here in my home in front of this computer for the past 3 yrs and boy will that be a change.   I need everyones prayers to help me with this challenge.

For those out there that think they can't do it, don't give up and keep trying.  I was so afraid that no one would ever give me a chance to show them what I had to offer their Company.   I have been given a chance and all it took was just one person saying yes, we would like for you to work with us.  Thank you Lord for opening this door for me.

KIM 

Today was my monthly checkup with my surgeon and I was anxious to see how well I had done for the month.  Last month I lost 30 lbs and I was hoping to lose like that again this month.  I did lose but nothing like that.  I lost 10 lbs and I am thrilled.  It just amazes me that I am doing so well and continuing to lose like I have.  I look at myself in the mirror and I think, you look the same, yet you look different.  I still see myself as a large person and I probably will for a very long time even when I reach my goal weight.     I was looking at old picutures of me, like the one of my day of surgery (Sept 26, 2006) and I see a very sad, unhappy, miserable person who is in alot of pain and I look at myself today and see someone different.  I have hope and a new outlook on my future.  I am of course not any where near my goal weight  which Dr. K says is 130 lbs.  LOL yeah right!  I will look like a Dolly Pardon wanna be if I get down to that.  I am not concerned about the bottom line weight #, I just want to be physically able to move and not have restrictions, and be at a place weight wise that I feel good and like what I see.  Yes, I want that number to be under 200lbs, but  to try to reach 130 lbs I don't know if that is a "my lucky number"  I will know it when I get there.    

Today Dr. K. talked to me about having surgery to remove the extra skin on my stomach area.  I have a "Apron Style Body Type" which means my stomach hangs down over my thighs to my knees (literally).  I hate it!!!  This is one part of my body that I can't stand.  It is heavy and pulls on my lower back and causes me alot of pain.  It prevents me from wearing certain types of clothing, such as pants of any kind, and I always have to have clothing that will fit or cover up that area. I am very self conscious about that part of my body and represents ugliness to me.  

  I was surprised Dr. K suggested that we start thinking about that surgery.  SHe indicated it would help me tremendously by eliminating possibly up to 50-60 lbs of extra skin.   THere are medical reasons for me to have it removed as well, since I do have a Apron Style Body Type, it makes me a risk of having stability problems and increases the chances of me falling, lower back pain, hip and knee pain and also bacteria problems.  THis is something to consider and I will look into having this done.  It would certainly help me if that extra skin was removed and I was able to function better and it would allow me to exercise better, move around better, increase my mobility and so on.      

I am so happy of my progress that I have made and I am so looking forward to continuing on successfully on my weight loss journey.  I am looking forward to attending the next Support Group on Aug 18th and meeting others.   I feel really pumped up.   I am also in the process of trying to find a job, I need to get out of my house and be a part of something outside my home.  I am ready to be around people again and hopefully can find a decent job to help me out financially.  It will also help me get more exercise and moving on a regular basis.     I would have never thought I would feel like I do about myself and like what I am seeing when I look in the mirror.   THanks to all who are supporting me, giving me encouragement, and being there for me, because I would not be here today without all of you!.. THANKS!   Kim 

I am at a place now that I am trying to decide if I am able to work outside of the home.   Ever since I got laid off from my job in May of 2004, I had a very difficult time trying to find a job again.  The employers would all come up with a clever reason as to why I didn't get the position, but I knew it was because of my weight or how I appeared to them.   I was at that time having a very difficult time walking, I would get so winded and red faced from any type of movement.  I could only walk a few feet and would have to sit down, and was in constant pain in my lower back and knees.   It was a huge blow to me personally to know I was totally qualified for the positions I was applying for,  but I could not get a chance to even show them, all because of my weight or how I looked.   I became very depressed and concerned about how I was going to take care of my son, who depended on me.  

I was eventually able to be approved for disability coverage and that helped tremendously.  It was not easy even being approved for disability, I had to go thru a whole series of tests, Dr's visits and examinations and finally was awarded disability.   It was again another huge blow to me personally, to be considered disabled. ON the inside I am this person trapped inside this morbidly obese body that can't do what she wants or get what she wants, or even think like she wants.... TRAPPED inside this shell that has completely consumed me.      I am thankful that I have the ability to sew and GOD gave me that talent, because over the years that has been my saving grace in situations financially too.    

I have now lost 180 lbs and I am feeling fantastic!  I feel useless here in my home not working and feel like it is time for me to try to find something outside of the home to do.   I  have not worked with others and in that office environment in over 3 yrs now and I am a little nervous about it.  Have I lost my knowledge of everything, will I be able to function and keep up with the others, will I be able to take on the responsiblities of a job outside of the home, will they see me as this morbidly obese person and think I am incapable of doing the job, will I be treated fairly, these are all questions I have mulled over and over in my mind lately.    I have always thought of myself as being a strong, confident woman when it came to my career, but now that I am considering getting back out there in the REAL WORLD, I feel sorta lost.  I all of a sudden feel like I have no clue and that again I am going to experience rejection all because of my weight.  

 I have worked on my resume, tweeking it and have actually sent it out to a few places just to see if I can get a response.   I received a call yesterday from one of the places that I had applied and I have an interview on Fri, July 27th and I am literally scared out of my wits about it.   I know I am qualified based on the  description in the ad they had placed, and should have no problems with the list of responsibilities for that position, so why am I scared so about this?   ME.... what I look like and how others see me as being a large gal... morbidly obese.  This is the first interview I have had in a long time, so I am quiet nervous and hope that they look at my qualifications and not at how I look.  I guess you gotta start somewhere this interview might as well be the starting point.  

IT is amazing how being morbidly obese everything about you even those things that have nothing what so ever to do with food are affected by your obesity as well.   Everything about me is controlled by my weight and it consumes me.   Being morbidly obese is an illness... and hopefully people, especially society will realize this and understand it.    THey were not kidding when they said this a process that you will be going thru and constantly dealing with issues that will come up.   I feel like a completely different person having lost 180lbs, freedom is the big thing right now, I am no longer held captive inmy own home. I can get out now and do things that I would have never considered because I knew I would be in to much pain, it was not worth it.  WELL IT IS... and deciding to go back to work PT outside of the home is a huge step for me.   I  need this to give me a boost to my ego (we all have that) LOL  and to give me the confidence again that I am lacking in myself.    PLus the exercise of being out and about daily is an added bonus as well and meeting new people, socializing again. 

  WIsh me luck on this new venture and I'll keep you posted on how it all turns out.   DO I or Don't I... well I am gonna DO I this time... take a chance and believe in myself...     KIM