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I have definitely fallen into the dieting trap of "tomorrow I will ______".  Fill in the blank with eat right, move more, etc.  Except tomorrow is always tomorrow.  This is not a diet, this is my new life and I need to get out of that Tomorrow Rut.  Could be why I can't break into Onederland.  I have been bouncing between 205 and 201 FOREVER.

I have though dropped two more sizes and had to completely revamp my wardrobe again (this is wardrobe #5).  I am wearing 14/16 in bottoms and a L or XL in tops.  Amazing coming from 32/34.  I think when (not IF) I reach goal I should be in a size 10.

I need to do my measurements, maybe those numbers will cheer me up.

After passing my surgiversary and consulting with my surgeon and my ob/gyn we decided to start TTC.  I thought everything would be fine.  I have waited until I was financially, emotionally, and physically ready to have a child.  I was surprised when I didn't get pregnant right away and after some testing we found out (the day before Thanksgiving) there was a problem and (a few days before Xmas) that conception is "unlikely".  The first step is to have the tests redone.  Then we'll see about options.  Paying $10,000+ out of pocket for IVF (that might not work) seems insane. 

Mean while I am finding it very hard to be motivated towarding dieting when what is the point?  Do I feel a million times better than I did before surgery?  Sure.  But at this point I don't care.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my surgery.  It is easy to get frustrated as things have slowed down but I feel amazing.  I have lost 135 pounds since I started this journey and am still working the tool (as they say, but it sounds dirty to me haha).

I got to see Dr. Spaw this morning and will be forever grateful for his amazing skill and spirit.  He gave me a pep talk about look at the inches (83+ inches) and not just the scale (I have only lost 30 pounds in the last six months).

I worry sometimes about not losing any more weight or worse regaining but I have changed my lifestyle so much and can't imagine going back my old habits.  When I am not active or eat something I shouldn't I feel bad.  That's motivation in itself and so I should keep shrinking even if it is slowly.

My weight loss is still going excruciatingly slow.  I am still losing weight but just a few - five pounds a month.  I couldn't understand because I am still obsessive about my food intake and still exercising.  So I started a food journal (at dailyplate.com) and found I was getting less than 1200 calories a day and 75-90 grams of protein but according to the "Nut" at my surgeons office the 100 grams of carbs I am getting a day is too much (she said I should only be getting 50).

The problem is obviously the protein bars I depend on.  I had been warned by some experienced WLSers that protein bars are a trap that a lot people fall into but since I don't like any protein shakes and I was worried about not getting enough protein I started using them anyway.

Now I need to find a lower carb option to replace the 25 grams of protein a day I get from my bars.  I am going to try adding another piece of fish to my lunch (17g of protein & only 1 carb) but that is a lot of food for one sitting.  I don't like yogurt or cottage cheese.  Maybe I will try making some SF pudding and adding some protein?

Of course the other problem is I already have trouble with my glucose dropping if I am not on my normal eating schedule (weekends and such) and so I am a little scared to make adjustments to my diet.

After gaining a couple pounds when I started at the gym it seems to be moving in the right direction again.  I knew to expect weight gain with muscle gain but it is still scary especially with how slow my weight loss has been the last two months.  Almost 9 months out and I have lost over 120 pounds...still have about 70 to go but can't be too disappointed.

I am working out 5 days a week.  Three days strictly cardio (treadmill, bike, and the dreaded elliptical) for an hour and two days doing some strength training and some cardio.

I vaguely remember a fairy tale about a cursed princess who could either be ugly during the day (when everyone would see her) or ugly at night (for her husband).  It was left up to the husband to decide and he (as any fairy tale prince would do) said it didn't matter he loved her either way.  So the curse was broken and she was her pretty-self all the time.

I am not a cursed princess.  I am woman who has lost an extreme amount of weight.  Every day I look more and more normal to the outside world.  Most people are amazed at how much better I look.  Most people don't get to see me naked. 

I really thought I was prepared for the reality (you don't magically become a supermodel when you lose weight) but I am horrified at what I see in the mirror.  Not so horrified I want to stop losing weight but horrified.  Those 120+ pounds looked much better than the saggy, baggy skin.

I still have a lot of weight to lose but plastics are looking more and more likely in my future. 

As I posted earlier, I have really been stalled.  I have been more careful about what I am putting in my mouth but not exercizing.  I kept telling myself things like:  I walked the mall for four hours or I mowed grass for two hours and that was exercise.  Things that I would have struggled with before but truthfully are just part of normal life.  I am glad I am more active but this is not the same as exercise and I can't keep using it as an excuse to not actually exercise.

So today I bit the bullet and joined a gym.  I got on an elliptical machine and played with the settings for a while and then started sweating and then started breathing heavy and then realized I had only been on the machine for 8 minutes.  Ok, I am still very, very out of shape.  I finished up 10 minutes and then hyperventalated into the water fountain for a few minutes and then forced myself to another 10 minutes.

I have a consult with a personal trainer this afternoon so I hope to get some pointers on some of the other machines.  But I am going to do this!

I don't think I will be at "goal" when I hit my surgiversary (in August, four months from now) but I hope to be below 200 pounds.

Yesterday my Hubby, Mom, and I went to Dollywood.  I haven't been on a roller coaster since I was a teenager (and had the devastation experience of NOT fitting after waiting in line for an hour with my friends).

I have lost a lot of weight but was still paranoid.  I approached every ride waiting for them to tell me I was to fat and then expecting to not fit.  When we got to the Mystery Mines there was a warning that some patrons would not be able to ride due to height and weight restrictions.  The line was long and I decided to just move on but around the corner they had a sample seat that you could try to make sure you fit and I fit!  I had a great day and the we were there from opening (9am) to closing (8pm) and would have stayed and kept riding if we could have!

We'll go back though, we upgraded to season passes.

I am a liar.  When I had my appointment last month I told Dr. Spaw if I didn't lose one more pound I wouldn't be upset because of all the great improvements I have seen in my health since my surgery so far.  And then I didn't lose one more pound.  Ok, that's not true...I lost about 10 more pounds but have been gaining and losing the same five pounds since then.  I am very frustrated.  I am so worried my body has decided it is happy around 250 and wants to stay here.

I know sometimes I break the rules when it comes to my eating (and say to myself it's ok because I am eating a fraction of what I used to).  I am still not exercising (got out of the habit when it was so cold).  So there is no big mystery to why my weight loss is stalled.  I need to get motivated again.  I think joining a gym would help but finances are tight right now.

Sigh.

My six month check up went well.  I was down 100 lbs from their highest and by their scale (I am now down 113 from my highest recorded weight). 

Yesterday I got my lab results in the mail.  I was worried because I don't think I ever get enough protein and I forget my Foltrin (Iron/B-12) because it is the last thing I take.  I was glad to see both my protein and iIron were right in the middle of normal levels.  Though there was a reminder to take your iron with food which I was confused about and was NEVER taking it with food so I need to change that.

My B-12 was low (which is weird because my energy has been great) and my Vitamin D was low so they gave me a script for a supplement.

I am relieved though because I was afraid the labs would show I was way off track and obviously I am doing ok.