Braven05

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So my pre-testing appointment on Friday was fine.  It was just a physical basically and they took blood and gave me an ekg.  They didn't say anything about the ekg at the time, I don't know if thats standard if everything looked okay or not.  I know I have a heart murmur but I don't think that would affect anything.  Anyways, I guess I'm all set until I hear otherwise.  I got all of my instructions for the day of surgery.  I have to call between 2-4 pm the day before to find out what time my surgery is scheduled for.  Its possible surgery may be at 6 or 7 and I may have to be at the hospital at 5 or so.  My mother and I are planning on spending the night in a hotel room and I thought we were doing that to be convenient for me but apparently not.  My mother started bitching about the time and hoping that she didn't have to get up that early to take me over.  She has sleeping issues and takes sleeping pills and doesn't sleep in new places or with other people in the room.  The hotel has a shuttle that runs between the hospital and the hotel.  She's hoping I can take the shuttle.  I'm like, jeesus, thanks, thats real nice.  I told her I'd drive myself and she can stay home and get all the sleep she wants.  I've never known anyone to act like one day without sleep was going to kill them like she does.  And I don't understand the point of her coming if she's not coming to help me out.  I'm just frustrated because I know she has health problems but everything she has to do always turns into a hassel for her but she expects other people to bend over backwards to help her out.  And most of the time I help her its an inconvenince because she hasn't told me ahead of time, but I don't complain.  And this is something big, this is freaking surgery.  I've gotten up early and taken her to surgery, waited around for her, when she has carpel tunnel surgery I stayed with her for days and took care of her.  I don't think its too much to ask to just get a ride to the damn hospital in the morning.  Anyways...I'm going to try not to let her selfishness put a damper on my attitude.  I'm still staying positive.  And I can't believe its a little over a week away!!!

This afternoon is my pre-op appointment.  I'm leaving work at 12:00 for the hour and a half drive to the hospital.  I'm hoping that being able to talk to people and ask any last minute questions I might have will help to take the edge off of my nerves.  I had a panic moment this morning when I suddenly thought, am I doing the right thing??  Do I really want this?!  But of course I do, and of course I am.  I've had a year for it to sink in and I know that this will be the beginning of a new life for me.  I think I'll have little pannicky moments as the time gets closer and closer.  I just need to keep telling myself that this is what I want.

On a happier note I am going to have dinner with my best friend and goddaughter and spend the weekend at their house, getting in some quality time with my favorite 3 year old.  Then I'll get to spend Easter with them which will be nice.  Haven't seen them in about a month.  Anyways, wish me luck on the appointment and have a Happy Easter!

Wow...just two weeks now.  I can barely contain my excitement anymore.  I'm a little nervous (okay a lot nervous) but now its actually about the Band.  Not about the surgery.  I'm confident in my surgeon, he's done tons of operations and I have every confidence that things will go well. I'm nervous about the 5% that aren't successful because of "technical difficulties".  

Then I look at those people that have lost 100+ lbs with the Band and I WANT TO BE THEM.  This Band is my future and I WILL be successful.  I'm just crossing my fingers that there will be no Band complications after the fact.  I'm going to bust my BUTT to be successful.  In order to reach my goal I need to lose 170 lbs!!!  Man if that task doesn't seem daunting.  But I'm up for the challenege 100% and with the band to help me, I know that I will achieve success.

I'm a HUGE Biggest Loser fan and last night the contestants underwent makeovers.  The host brought them to Macy's and turned them lose to find their personal "style".  A lot of them were nervous because shopping was always stressful for them, not something to enjoy.  I know all too well how that goes.  I HATE shopping because I can never find things that fit me the right way.  I don't have a personal style.  My style is "whatever-the-heck-fits-me" and doesn't make me look like a whale in the process.

I think I'm going to have a girly side when I get thin.  Right now I dress comfortably.  I'm very much an outdoorsy person and I enjoy jeans, hiking boots, and hoodies.  But I think I'm going to find my inner woman.  I wonder how my friends who are so used to my style now will react.  Anyways, towards the end of the show the fashion guru Tim Gunn picked out an outfit for them and revealed it.  One woman in particular got very emotional about it.  She had lost a large amount of weight and was very thin and toned but she asked to have nothing that showed her arms.  She realized, when he picked the exact opposite of what she wanted, that she wasn't that overweight woman who had to hide her body anymore.

I think I got a little teary-eyed at that moment.  Okay, I know I did, I cried, okay??  I want to have the moment that that woman had.  The moment when I realize, holy crap, all of my hard work has paid off and I can actually dress "pretty" and look pretty while doing it. Ahhh...what a journey this will be

Seriously.  Why am I freaking out so much about this?  I don't think I've ever been so scared about anything in my entire life.  And its not about the surgery itself.  I'm just afraid that something is going to happen and I won't be able to have surgery.  Like insurance is going to call and say, "Sorry, we changed our mind, we don't think you should have surgery." or maybe the hospital said they were going to schedule me but they really didn't.  

I've never been so neurotic about anything.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 weeks!  I'm just absolutely terrified.  Every night I lay down to go to sleep I'm up staring at the ceiling and worrying about it.  And to top it off, if life were going well and I didn't have anything to stress about I think i'd be worried less.  But work has been tense and stressful since last week and its just making it all the worse.

I think what it is...I think that I'm afraid that if something happens and for some reason surgery doesn't happen, that I'm going to lose my will.  I've been fighting so hard for the past year and I don't know if I'll be able to go on fighting if this doesn't happen.  I'm afraid that it will break me and I'll just eat myself to my grave.

Positive thinking eh?  I have been trying to think the right way, I believe strongly in the power of suggestion.  Gotta get my mind back on track.  I know and I pray that things will work out okay.  My nerves are just, like, lit on fire.  I need to be slapped.

My gosh, twenty days until surgery!  I'm very nervous that things haven't been set up right.  I just called the pre-testing department because they told me when my appointment was scheduled that a nurse would be calling me, but she hadn't called me yet so I wanted to make sure that I was, in fact, scheduled for the appointment.  

I also feel like I should hear something else from the bariatric center, although I'm not entirely sure what I think that "something" should be.  I think I'm just a nervous wreck and totally afraid that this isn't actually going to happen without a hitch, or that it isn't going to happen at all!  When I set up the surgery date, although I feel like time has gone excruciatingly slow, it was almost 3 weeks ago.  Now, just about 3 weeks to go until surgery.  I think the waiting is making me crazy. 

I'm going to need to keep a tight rein on my sanity to keep myself and the people around me from going off the deep end!! 

Beginning weight -- 342
Current weight -- 321
Goal weight -- 150

The other night I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was telling me a story about a woman she knew who had trouble finding someone to date and she said, "Well obviously, she has trouble finding someone to want to date her."  And I, knowing the woman she was talking about was overweight said, "Well what do you mean obviously.  Why would it be obvious that she would have trouble finding someone just because she's overweight?" and my mom answered, "Well she's 350 lbs.  There aren't many men who want to date someone that size.  Its unfortunate, but its true."  I guess that kind of made me mad and made me want to get really defensive with her.  I know there are a lot of bigger women that have boyfriends, husbands, etc and they have found perfectly wonderful men who care for them.  And my second thought was, this is where my lack of self esteem comes from.  My mom has this idea that you can't find someone if you're not thin and beautiful.  Yes, there are a lot of men out there who are shallow, and yes, I've run into most of them (haha), but I tend to think that there are still men out there who aren't like that.  When I think back to my childhood I'm not sure my mother ever told me I was beautiful.  I think she always said, "You have such a pretty face.  You'd be very pretty if you lost weight."  How damaging is that?  When I have a child they will always be beautiful to me no matter what they look like on the outside.

Anyways, 23 more days!  Time is going so slooooowwww!  I can't wait that long!

Last night I got a little emotional about things.  With determination and support from the people around me, my body and my whole life are about to change.  I'm going to be the same person, yes, but I'm going to have a new lease on life.  Everything is going to look different, feel different, and be different.  I've spent 20 of my 27 years as the amazing invisible woman.  Heck, at 325 lbs there's no way I'm actually invisible, but man do people look through me!  I always tried not to let my outside affect the way I felt about my inside and tried to tell myself that I didn't feel different than my friends and that I loved myself for who I was.  Yes, I do love myself, I always have.  But yes, I do feel different.  

I almost got angry last night thinking about how other's perceptions of me will change as I lose weight.  My first thought is, to hell with everyone.  I'm the same person now that I'll be minus 150+ lbs and why should I give anyone the time of day when they don't give it to me now.  And further more, if I meet someone in the next few years, how will I know if its the type of person I ever would have dated before, because they may be looking just at the outside and might never have given me a chance before, at my heaviest weight.  But I know that I can't be like that.  I can't be cynical and spend my life wondering if they'd have given me a chance.  I just have to continue to be the person I am, and thats a person that genuinely cares about other people and gives everyone a chance.

Now to the part that scares me.  I'm 27 years old...I've never been in a serious relationship.  I've dated here and there over the past few years but I've never found someone to connect with in that way, and most of the time I went out with someone once and never saw them again, not because of me, but because they always disappeared.  I've always blamed it on the fat.  No one liked me because I was overweight and they couldn't see past the exterior to give the person on the inside a chance.  What if it wasn't the fat?  What if there's something else wrong with me and it has nothing to do with what I look like?  That scares the crap out of me. Honestly.  I think I'm a good person.  I'm honest, caring, loyal, funny, genuine, open-minded, non-materialistic...hey I think I'm a catch.  But what if I'm wrong?

Anywho...these are just some things I've been wrestling with since surgery became a reality for me.  I'm so freaking exctied the month of March can't go by fast enough.  I just want it to be over.  I just want to begin my new life.

I'm Approved!  Those words never sounded so sweet.  I'm so excited I don't even know what to do with myself!  I feel like dancing.  But people would look at me a little weird.  Gosh, I can't believe it.  I feel like I have been waiting forever for this but I know that in terms of waiting, it actually hasn't been that long.  Less than a year since I called and first got myself scheduled for the informational seminar. 

April 2nd is less than a month away.  Wow.  Wow.  Wow.  Ha, I can't think of anything else to say.  I'm beside myself.  I think I will do a little dance  And jump up and down a little bit..and ride a horse somewhere... Okay that doesn't make sense, but thats okay.

So yeah...here I am...less than a month from my new beginning.  Gotta be honest...freaking out a little bit.  Thanks for the support I've gotten from people, I appreciate it a lot!  And I'm confident that all of the well-wishers were instrumental in my positive outcome!!  Thanks again and wish me luck!

I don't want to jinx myself.  But I received a letter on Friday...with the words "approved" in it...but I need to call the Bariatric Center and clarify something before I celebrate.  Just thought I'd throw it out there though.  I will, hopefully know more tomorrow.  Eeeeeee!

Wow, a lot of things have happened since my last blog!!  I went to my nutritionist appointment on February 4th, two days before I was to leave on business to Nashville for 10 days.  While in Nashville I got pretty sick (flu? gallbladder? one will never know), ended up in the er for an evening, and finally started to feel better and was able to eat around day 8.  Once I was able to eat, I didn't make such good choices.  I mean, who wants to go from eating nothing for a week to eating grilled chicken and lettuce?? Well I guess I should have anyways.  Didn't expect to get a call from the bariatric center to schedule my appointment to meet with the surgeon a WEEK later!  Needless to say I gained a couple of pounds and had to kick my butt into shape before my appointment on the 21st.  So I met with the surgeon, he cleared me medically, I was still in my 5% rainge, and we set a tentative date of April 2.  April 2!!!  Thats so freaking close I don't even know what to think.  I will know soon, but not soon enough, if my insurance has approved.  I'm crossing my fingers, rubbing my lucky rabbits foot, and searching each bit of grass for a 4 leaf clover (not really), because I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't approved.  Anyways, so thats whats up.  If there's anyone out there reading this, send positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever, my way that my insurance will approve me for April 2!!  Thanks, it's much appreciated


Beginning weight -- 342 lbs
Current weight -- 325 lbs