brinn71

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 Today I celebrated my fortieth birthday and realized how very blessed I am.

For the past 6 months I have been struggling with depression, difficulty dealing with the unwanted attention from men, and the disconnect between my body and my brain. In my case the depression was coupled with anxiety leading me to be very aggressive and confrontational whenever I felt threathened which was happening almost every day. The cultural norm here in Hawaii is to hug and kiss people when you meet them and when you say good bye, I just couldn't stand to have anyone in my personal space and the anxiety was affecting my ability to function in everyday life. So I found a good psychologist and started therapy. He recommended Lexapro and my PCP was onboard and wrote the prescription right away. The Lexapro has been very helpful and I can finally take a step back and look at what I have to be grateful for without all the anixety clouding my mind.

I am grateful for and have been blessed with a loving and supportive family. They have been there every step of the way and I would lost without them. 
I am grateful for my friends who love me and support me, who celebrate my successes and give me swift kick in the rear when I need it.
I am grateful for my medical team who work together to make sure that I stay healthy and happy. They share information with each other readily and are not territorial when it comes to making decisions.
I am grateful for the support and fellowship that I have found on OH. I have never felt alone in this process because there were so many people who were willing to share the good, the bad, and the unexpected. 
I am grateful for the good health that I am enjoying; this is the healthiest I have been as an adult.  All comorbidites resolved and I am active and full of energy.
I am grateful that people think that I am attractive even though I can't see myself clearly. What I can see of myself I like and am glad that my body looks better than I expected. Yes I have excess skin, yes I have stretch marks and scars, but I can run and jump and climb and I love the way I feel. I believe I would love the way I look if I could see myself.

There is so much more I am grateful and will continue to be grateful for as long as I live. So on this my fortieth birthday I realize I have been both blessed and luckier than I ever expected to be. And I also realized that it is enough, enough to know that I am loved and supported, enough that I have a roof over my head and a job that I enjoy and challenges me, enough that I am healthy and working on being happy/content. For the past two and half years I have been focused on reaching a goal weight and then maintaining that weight that I lost sight of the day to day things and people that are important to me.

So enough with the goals and time to focus on appreciating what I have and taking each day one at time. 

Ole

Wow, I can't believe it has been a year since surgery. It was one year ago on Friday that I was in California having surgery so this is a couple of days late but life has been busy lately and Friday I went to a military ball. I posted a current picture on my profile but my browser settings will not allow me to copy it into this post. So a quick run down of the changes that have happened in the past year.

11.13.08 Surgery weight 324 lbs 
11.13.09 Current weight 172 lbs currently trying to maintain but still losing.
11.13.08 Size 32 tops/size 28 pants
11.13.09 Size 14 tops/size 10 pants
11.13.08 Bra size 48F
11.13.09 Bra size 34G
11.13.08 Ring size 13
11.13.09 Ring size 9
11.13.08 Pre-diabetic, hard to control high blood pressure, deteriorating ankle, knee, and hip joints and chronic pain affecting my daily life.
11.13.09 Blood sugar steady and normal, blood pressure normal, no more pain in the ankle, knee, and hip joints on a daily basis, activity is easier and fun.

Those are just some of the changes there have been so many!
Now I want to say that for me the hardest part of this last year has been the mental and emotional part. The head hunger, the self sabotage, and the realization that there were definite issues that I needed to come to terms with in order to be successful. I understand that I used my weight as an excuse and barrier to keep people from getting close to me. Part of this past year has been spent working on my issues and learning new coping behaviors to replace eating. I have been extremely fortunate that I have had the support of my friends and family to help me through this. Then there is the change in how other people view you and treat you. Some people will be threatened by the change in you and may react negatively or may distance themselves from you. I have had to tell myself to let them go because it is about them not me. It is sad to lose friends or have co-workers who can't or won't be happy for you but I can't control their behavior only my own. People may find you more attractive and act upon it. This was hard for me, it made me very uncomfortable and still does. I am learning to be gracious, accept the compliments, and set boundaries. 
All in all it has been an eventful year and I still find it hard to believe how much things have changed in a year. I am not done and the changes will keep coming. I know I still have a long way to go and then there is the whole plastic surgery option to consider. Yes I have excess skin but I expected it and it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

So today is my sixth month surgiversary and I wanted to reflect on some of the changes that I have gone through in the last six months:

The good:
Sugery weight 324lbs weight today 226lbs only two lbs away from 100 lbs lost since surgery.
No more blood pressure meds
Blood sugar is normal/low
I can be active without my joints killing me.
I sleep better at night
I have waaayyy more energy.
I went from a size 28 pants to a size 16 pants.
I went from  5x top to a 3x top could be smaller but I have to fit the top to my breasts and my arms.

The struggles:

I have lost only 1 lb in the last week. (frustrating)
The mental part of this process has been hard. I still can't see the change in my body unless I look at pics.
I am still uncomfortable with the increase in attention from men and I feel like I am being really unfriendly/rude sometimes but I just want to be left alone most of the time.
I am a lot more aggressive/intolerant and I am not sure if it is because of the hormones being released as I lose weight but it is a little disconcerting.
I know that I will need/want plastic surgery on my arms and breasts so I have to start saving now.

I am a work in progress and I am sure that there will be more changes to come.

So I am one month post op and I am shocked at all the changes that have taken place so far.
Highest weight  August 2008-351lbs
Surgery weight November 13 2008-325lbs
Current weight December 13 2008-296 lbs

That is 55lbs total, 26lbs lost pre-op on a low-carb, low fat diet, 29lbs post-op. I haven't weighed less than 300lbs in at least 10 years. I couldn't see the changes even though people kept telling me that I was losing weight and that it was noticeable. It didn't really hit home until I went clothes shopping this week and realized that my jeans are now 2 sizes smaller and my tops are 1 size smaller. I wanted to cry in the dressing room and when I came out to get my friend's opinion on a pair of jeans she said "It's nice to see your ass again since your jeans have been billowing in the wind the last month and you couldn't tell that you had an ass." I went instantly from tears to laughter. Thank god for friends, I don't know what I would do without mine!

So for a quick update, I had lap RNY 18 days ago. Ten days after surgery I returned to work full time, thank goodness because I was going insane stuck at home. So I just wanted to do a quick post of my experience in San Francisco.

My mom and I arrived in San Francisco the evening of November 11. I had booked ground transportation from the airport to the hotel through SuperShuttle.com and it went really smoothly. On Wednesday, we went walking around to familiarize ourselves with  the area and find Walgreens.
So I had surgery on the morning of 11.13.08. I checked in at 6:00 am by 7:15 am I was in the operating room talking to the nurse and 2-3 hours later I was waking up in the recovery room. Dr. Cirangle came by and talked to my mom because I was still groggy and said everything went really well. The first day went by in kind of a blur, good pain meds I guess. I had very little pain, lucky me, just some discomfort when I coughed, laughed, sneezed. I stayed in the hospital from 11.13.08-11.15.08.The nurses were great, very helpful and super friendly. They answered whatever questions they could and if they couldn't they were refer me to someone who could. The hospital room was spacious and they brought in a cot and linens so that my mom could stay with me. I spent Thursday and Friday night in the hospital and Dr C released me Saturday night. Sunday my cousins drove down from Sacramento and we spent the day sightseeing. Monday we walked around and did some more sightseeing. Tuesday we returned home.

So far my experience has been very positive.  I am doing better with my fluid and protein intake and I can already see changes in my body. The biggest surprise for me has been the change in my relationship with food. I don't want it anymore. I am not hungry and I don't have any cravings. I have to set reminders to eat or I forget to eat 3 meals a day. I am on soft foods now and love cottage cheese.

If anyone has any questions they would like to ask about my experience please just ask.

So I had surgery on the morning of 11.13.08. I checked in at 6:00 am by 7:15 am I was in the operating room talking to the nurse and 2-3 hours later I was waking up in the recovery room. Dr. Cirangle came by and talked to my mom because I was still groggy and said everything went really well. The first day went by in kind of a blur, good pain meds I guess. I had very little pain, lucky me, just some discomfort when I coughed, laughed, sneezed. I stayed in the hospital from 11.13.08-11.15.08. I was released last night to come back to the hotel and we fly back to honolulu on 11.18.08.
The things that stick out in my mind, sip, sip, sip. I had a little trouble with the sipping, first instinct was to gulp because I was so thirsty. Not a mistake I will be making again anytime soon.
Protien, gotta have even if you don't like the taste. I loved the Crystal lite, didn't like the protien drink they bring you at the hospital. Amy from Dr. Cirangle's office brought me a whole bunch of the protien drink mixes and those work better.
Man I look like a pin cushion or punching bag. I am covered in bruises, I bruise really easily so everywhere I got an injection there is a bruise.
All in all this experience has been great. The staff at the hotel and the hospital were friendly and provided great service.
Well, I am off to see a little of San Fransisco now but I will keep updating.

I got a call from Dr. Cirangle's office this morning and I have a surgery date. My surgery date is 11.13.08 and I am so excited, a little nervous but mostly excited.

I paid my non covered fees to Dr. Cirangle's office and I should have a surgery date soon. Alternately I am excited and nervous.