BroomHilda
My One Year Follow Up (Surgeon's Visit)
Jul 14, 2009
Well my One Year Appointment was suppose to be in April when I actually celebrated my one year surgersaversary but I guess July will have to do. I went in and weighed, had my band inspected, asked a grip of questions I had brewing in my brain and had an adjustment.Here are the results: I weighed 167.6 lbs (not bad for being 7p.m. fully clothed and had lunch @ El Torito and 2 waters in my belly. Anywhoooo!!!! I have lost a total of 83 lbs since surgery and have succeeded my Surgeons expectations. I asked tons of questions about Pregnancy, Fills, Reconstructive Surgery and such and was pleased with the answers.
Basically my surgeon has left it up to me to allow me to be able to get adjustments during Pregnancy to moderate weight gain. That was a huge relief to know that I can have some control during Pregnancy as long as the health of the baby is not in danger.
I have exceeded my surgeon's goal for me and so together we made a new goal which is a tiered goal:
First Immediate Goal: 150lbs
Next Goal: 145 lbs to finally have a normal BMI range
Fantasy Goal (Ultimate Goal) 133 lbs (I picked this one because my favorite number is 3)
I received an adjustment and boy was it painful. He missed the port, continued to dig around looking for it and then had to pull the needle out start again to only miss the port again and then come in at an angle. He added 1 cc making a total of 5 ccs in my 10 cc band. On the way home my stomach hurt so bad where he jabbed and I had to drive over 90 miles home. Then all night I was extremely filled with air it was weird like nothing I have ever experienced before. I kept burping and when the burping stopped I felted pressure and then I was having trouble swallowing my saliva it was like I was overproducing saliva and it was super thick. When I would get too much that is when I would have to PB and literally white foamy saliva would volcano its way out of me. No violent heaving just a burp would lead to this. I was a a little freaked out. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this after a fill. I mean usually I can feel immediate tightness after a fill that only increases the next day. Today I feel like I have not even had a fill. Maybe because I finally had a fill when I was not about to start TOM. I have no idea. I swear this band is definitely a teaching tool, once you think you have it all down something new happens and it is back to the drawing board. Wish me luck I have to do liquids for a week and I have not eaten since lunch yesterday so hopefully all goes well.
This embarks on my refocus to kick everything into gear. I have been in such a rut since my accident in March and truly have lost my motivation. I have just been existing to be honest doing the absolute bare minimum to get by and now when I look at why the only thing I can identify is fear. I was afraid of seeing my body change more. I have not been pleased with how my body looks now all saggy and hanging. I have lost most of my breasts and what is left are serious flapjack style. I can't stand to see myself nude with my hanging skin more or less fell sexy when my husband comes after my breasts. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking and is he rubbing / playing with them out of pity because frankly I don't need it. I used to get so turned on at the touch of his hand on my breasts but now I am embarrassed and ashamed. I have the breast tissue of a D but the fullness of a low C full B. It bothers me and not to mention my God awful thighs, flabby arms and lower stomach. Here I am the skinniest I have ever been my whole adult life and all I can do is dwell on how much I hate my new body. I think I was in fear of loosing the rest of my femininity so that is why I stopped working out stupid huh? Well now I realize that I would of been better off sticking to my work outs and seeing the toned arms and other body parts would of made me feel better about my shrinking cleavage.
I feel like the skinniest fat person in the world. I still feel like I cannot wear whatever I want to wear because of fear of how nasty I will look in it. With that said I have decided to start a 6 week challenge for myself where I am true to myself, my diet, my exercise and see how I feel after. It starts today and I promise to be faithful and give myself this chance to feel good about me.
