Getting out of the Darkness

Dec 31, 2010

This Holiday season has been so rough on me though with my Dad being sick and my band having issues. I have really allowed myself to get out of control. I will only admit it to you since you know the struggles of life; I have allowed myself to gain close to 40 lbs since the baby. Can you believe it? I am so mad with myself that each day I beat myself up inside only to cave in to my depressed demons each night and eat shit I am not suppose to.

I know I did so good with the baby and everything with my weight. I weighed 163lbs when I got pregnant. I weighed 190lbs when I delivered. I slimmed back down to 170 lbs before I let this darkness come take a hold of me. Now today I weigh 193lbs.

I have allowed my mind set to become negative and consumed with worry. I went to the Doctor 3 months after Cole was born for my yearly follow up appointment. The Doctor asked me questions about heartburn and such and I said Yes since "Hello I just was pregnant and have had the worse heart burn of my life being pregnant and all". Well this made my lazy ass Doctor finally want to take a further look at my band. He preformed my first Fluoroscopy ever and I have had my band over 2 years. He said the most fatal words" Your Pouch looks enflamed and I think your band may have slipped a little". I fell to my knees right on the spot and fainted. Kid you not.

I could not believe what he was telling me, I mean I thought I was a responsible with my band. I only have 3 cc's inside. His way on of consoling me was to say that sometimes it's the best patients that have the worst luck. But look on the bright side you have lost a lot of weight. All the while I kept thinking what the hell, I am still considered fat at 173 lbs. HELLO !

I immediately began to blame myself for keeping fluid in my band while pregnant. Because as the baby grew and my insides shifted something happened either in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy or during delivery. I immediately felt isolated and trapped to deal with this on my own. Embarrassed from fainting and still in shock. I humbly walked to the Hospital cafeteria and purchased an Orange Juice. I walked to my car and began my 3 hour drive back home. Once I got closer to home I called my husband who God love him, was a complete asshole at the wrong moment. He blamed me and called me selfish for keeping the fluid in my band. I agreed with him but I could help but state the facts if pregnancy caused this why would all my Doctors, my OBGYN and my Bariatric Surgeon allow me to do this. They all said it was okay and monitored me. His response was "Because they are idiots Jess, you know that! They don't care and it all about doing the bare minimum".

Consumed with worry I kept close to my diet, thinking that if I did so my two week recheck would be perfect. On November 5th 2010 I went back to the Doctor for an  X-ray and was told that my band does not look a 100% and it would be a good idea to wait a while longer to see if it will heal itself. A little while longer, came with my surprise of over 2 months. My Fluoroscopy appointment is scheduled for January 12th 2011.  I can't believe my doctor would do this to a person, unfilled them completely leave them to go through the entire holiday season with no sign of hope and filled with fear of the worst. Oh, wait that's right they don't care. During this holiday season I have tried my hardest to put these dark thoughts out of my mind and just focus on the positive. I did pretty well until I went on Winter Break. My husband took his vacation at the same time to spend time with Cole and I , however with this terrible Rain Storms and lack of money we have been trapped in doors with all the evils of the holiday cookies, fatty foods, and sabotaging family.

Now, today I am filled with remorse and anger that I have allowed myself to get this out of control and I am afraid that if I do not do anything I will have erased the progress I have made and fall back into the sad excuse of life that I once knew.

I must make a change. I must stick to my path. I am still on track. I can do this if only I set my mind to it. This is just a shitty detour that if I am determined to overcome I can and I will. It all begins and ends with me so I must be positive and equip myself with the necessary tools and plan to be successful.

What do I want? I want to be back to my pre-baby weight and ready to make Cole a brother or sister by Cole's first birthday. I want to buy our first house and get back to living life again. This gives me 7 months to clean up my act and relearn good habits and toss out the old ones.

It starts with having a good meal plan and the right food in the house.  Next, I need to drink water which I don't :( and I need to start moving my ass again.

One can only change the things they are in control of. I am in control of my body no matter what life throws my way. Even though there is stress, money issues, and sadness. My body should not be the one to suffer because of this.

I can do this! I must believe in myself and stay focused on the positive.

Happy New Year to myself!

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About Me
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Surgery
04/22/2008
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Jan 23, 2008
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