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I'm going to bet that I'm not the only one out there who was obese, and maybe, just maybe, my desire to please others contributed to that.  

Frisco wrote a post on the "power of NO" recently.  How it's underused.  And I could really identify.  Believe it or not, I would often even eat for others' benefit.  I overthought the food.  If my grandmother made something delicious (and in those days she cooked and baked often), I would concern myself that if I did not taste it I would hurt her feelings, and it might be the last thing of hers I ever got to eat.  If someone brought food to a potluck, I felt the need to try it all.  I wouldn't want to offend!  I couldn't turn down a slice of birthday/anniversary/congratulatory cake that someone was having--it might look like I didn't care about them or appreciate their achievements!  And I could easily soothe anyone around me, including myself, with food.  WLS has forced me to let go of this mentality...to an extent.  For awhile it was impossible for me to appease people by eating their food, and then afterwards I felt I had more willpower to say no.  But recently when asked what I thought about their cookie at a potluck, I felt compelled to eat one, despite being already nearly overly full, just to satisfy them.  And that was alarming.

I went to support group for the first time in a long time last month.  And the question was posed:  how do I eat healthy at a business meeting without drawing attention to myself.  From my experience, this far out, that's the wrong question to be asking.  I think we need to get comfortable with not giving a damn!  To think that all those years I ate things that I didn't even particularly want to just to please someone else!  That I put my health at risk!  I hear that same question often enough, so this person wasn't unusual in wondering the same.  And I can see how early out it might be too much pressure having to explain why you're doing what you're doing.  But this was a group for people 1+ years out!  So I think the simple answer is:  doesn't matter.  You may be able to control your food and surroundings for the first year post-op.  But eventually, you will find yourself in the same old situations you did before.  And don't you want to?!  I didn't want WLS to make me a hermit--to the contrary, I wanted to be able to get out there and blossom, be more social, feel more confident, and not give all the power to food.  I understand there are some situations and some points in time where you may be better off declining, or better off bringing your own snack/eating before or after.  But for the most part, life goes on.  And I want to live it.  And that's why I never like the very stringent diet plans some doctors recommend.  I wanted to learn to be able to be around food.  To be able to indulge.  And be able to stop.  And for the most part, I think I've been successful at that.  But whatever diet you do follow, you should be able to pick and choose foods you can eat, offer to bring food, eat before, eat after, etc.  To be honest, people normally don't even notice what you're doing.  We are very self-centered creatures.  So that person next to you is more likely wondering if you noticed he got two cookies.  In all my time after surgery, the only people who noticed my eating patterns were waiters who were worried the food was bad.  But even if someone had asked me why I wasn't eating something, I'd like to think I could tell them "I'm watching what I eat" (or sodium, or cholesterol, etc. etc.) and not have a problem with it.  They don't even really deserve an answer.  But they certainly don't deserve for me to blow my diet.  Or to cower off like I did something wrong.

Now I do have to mention a limitation to this:  try not to be a completely rude guest.  I entertain a lot.  Often times it's potluck-fashion where I provide the main, one side, and a dessert, and others can fill in.  If that's the case--no problem!  Bring a salad, and stick to the protein.  But occasionaly I have a well-planned dinner party.  Inclusive of crystal and china.  Many people do not understand the time, energy, and preparation that goes into making a more formal dinner happen.  It is impossible to satisfy everyone's individual preferences.  In this case, the best thing to do is either a) save up your calories and do your best, or b) if you know the host well, explain to them that you are under a medically supervised diet (or something that indicates this is not just a flavor-of-the-week thing) and that you were wondering if you could supplement the dinner and were wondering what was on the menu.  I know, I know--I just got done telling you not to give a damn.  But in this situation, with all the effort involved, I do think it's best to give the cook an explanation and the ability to try to come up with a plan. 

But in nearly every other situation--don't give other people's opinions that much power!  I plan to be doing this for a looooong time.  I had WLS at 22.  I don't expect to be able to hide from food, or people.  And I don't want to!

This has been an exciting week in the world of obesity justice.  First, on Friday there was an article debunking the myth that calories burned during exercise should be given equal weight to calories cut through dieting in the weight loss equation.  Essentially, the article held that exercise is not the best tool to fight obesity.  See here:  http://www.vox.com/2016/4/28/11518804/weight-loss-exercise-m yth-burn-calories

And secondly was an article that followed Biggest Loser contestants for 8 years and found that their metabolisms were greatly decreased.  See here:  http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weigh t-loss.html?_r=1

If you are trying to lose a massive amount of weight on your own, I'll admit, these articles are pretty damned depressing.  But to me they confirm what I already knew:  obesity is a disease far more complex than "calories in, calories out", and about a lot more than lack of willpower or discipline.  I hope that articles and studies such as these will make the public realize that there really isn't a viable solution to obesity, short of WLS.  It's not the easy way out, it's the only way out.

So, that first article.  The diet mantra that has been drilled into my head since about the time I could speak was "calories in, calories out."  If you've spent any time dieting at all, you know that you must have a deficit of 3500 calories to lose a pound.  The common thought has been that this can be achieved by some combination of cutting calories, and burning more calories in exercise.  Aka, if you wanted to lose a pound a week, you could either a) consume 500 calories less per day, b) burn 500 calories during exercise per day, or c) do some combination of the two that equaled 500 calories.  And, mathematically, you would theoretically lose 1lb. no matter which approach you chose.  Not so suggests this article and the study to accompany it.  Why?  Well, it gets pretty complicated, but best I can understand is that essentially your body subconsciously compensates for the extra calories you burn during exercise.  In our example, say a person decided he wanted to eat the same calories, so opted to burn 500 calories at the gym per day to reach his goal.  He is unlikely to be as successful as the guy who combines exercise and diet, and the guy who does diet alone may be most successful.  First, "macho man", as we will call him, may overestimate the calories he's burning.  So while he may think he's burning 500 calories, he may in reality only be burning 300.  Oops.  Second, he may eat more to compensate--maybe a preworkout banana, or a protein shake--upping his overall daily calories, and decreasing his desired deficit.  Or, most frighteningly, he may burn fewer calories thorughout the rest of the day.  You see, while we have complete control over the number of calories we eat, we have very little control over the total calories burned by our  bodies.  Only about 10-30% of the calories we burn come from exercise.  The remainder come from the functioning of the body, as well as just how much you "move" in a day.  So what the researchers behind this study/article found was that people who are exercising to lose weight actually decrease their activity the rest of the day.  The fidget less, they take the stairs less, and they probably go ahead and opt for that front parking space.  Major calorie burning points lost here.  

So, while exercise is good for health, it may not be the most effective tool for weightloss.  And it certainly is no substitute for lowering calories by diet.  One of my doctors said "the best exercise you can do is push away from the table."  And in essence, that was the finding of this article.  It concluded by suggesting that dieters exercise, but not count those calories burned toward their goals.  Pretend like it didn't even happen.

I, loathing every minute I spend in a gym, rejoiced over this article.  But not too fast.  My husband was quick to point out "but but but....the Biggest Losers lose massive amounts of weight by diet and exercise.  So exercise must work."

You cannot imagine how OVERJOYED I was when the second article came out not a few days later.  

This second article followed Biggest Loser contestants.  I think pretty much all of them had regained at least some weight.  But I think they were all lower than they were to begin with.  Were any of us shocked that they regained some weight?  I don't think so.  We all knew that it just isn't sustainable to continue to workout 6, 7, 8 hours per day.  That sounds like you're just asking for an overuse injury, not to mention having absolutely zero life.  However, the most frightening aspect of the article/study was that they found the contestants' metabolisms had decreased.  Of course their resting metabolic rate would've decreased by a bit simply because they weigh less.  But it dropped much more than that.  As compared to a person of the same size, their metabolisms had decreased by 250-800 calories.  In other words, if the man with the biggest metabolic screwup were to eat like his friend with the same stats, the metabolic screwup would gain nearly 1.6lbs. per week!  Their bodies are truly fighting with them to get them to regain weight.  And, as the article points out, this is one of the most successful subsets of dieters.  One would think that these contestants have probably done it the right way, at least in terms of their metabolism.  Right?  We're always hearing how muscle burns more than fat (is this even true?  I cannot seem to distinguish between myth and reality any more when it comes to dieting and weight loss!!!).  And I've always been told that maybe my metabolism is low because I don't exercise enough, and I don't have enough muscle mass as compared to body fat.  These contestants should be golden!  

The second problem BL contestants had to face was that their leptin levels (decreased? increase?  I cannot remember.  Too technical) did something to make them ravenously hungry.  I mean, not like c'mon have some willpower for god's sake hungry.  I mean like hulk hungry.  Huuuuuaaaangry.  Biologically speaking, their bodies wanted them not to lose weight.  And it was going to throw everything at them.  

This is what I have been afraid of all along!!!  I know I cannot eat what my peers eat.  Yes, it's somewhat irrelevant--I cannot do anything about it other than eat less and be lean or eat the same and be heavy.  Now before we get too far, I know what you're thinking "but Bonnie, you didn't lose the weight through diet and exercise--you had WLS."  True, true.  And a lot of WLS peeps are rejoicing at this article, hoping to find other articles that say that WLS does not affect metabolism as negatively as extreme diet and exercise.  I'll be honest, I haven't had the time to try to pin down such studies.  I don't know if they exist.  But even if they did, all I want to say is that I did diet my entire life prior to WLS.  I think the damage was already done.  Maybe, if someone never dieted and had WLS, they would be good to go.  But I did HCG diet, and liquid diet, and weight watchers, and cabbage soup diet, and grapefruit diet, etc., etc.  It was very hard for me not to gain weight at 277lbs.!!!  I think the damage was already done.  That being said, I think their is ample proof that WLS does a great deal for grelin and leptin levels in terms of regulating hunger.  And that has been my experience.  Even in the past couple weeks going back to being really strict about my eating, I have honestly not been very hungry.  

The takeaway for WLS patients:  confirmation that we did the right thing.  Dieting has about a 2% success rate for obese people to lose and keep off weight.  Those are dismal odds.  In truth, even WLS doesn't work all the time--the odds are far better at 50-60% (quoting support group leader on these stats).  As far as I'm concerned, non-surgical means of controlling obesity is a technical failure.  So why do we keep pushing this????!!!  Why do doctors keep encouraging diet and exercise along?  And well-meaning friends and family encourage you to "do it the right way."  It just DOES NOT WORK.  Even when you may be able to lose the weight, you are very likely to regain it.  I have seen so many family members spend years in this purgatory of weight loss and weight regain.  It's such a vicious cycle.  It's not healthy physically (see above--screws up your metabolism).  And it's certainly not healthy mentally.  Any other disease that had one option with a 2% success rate, and another option with a 60% success rate--no one would choose the former!  Again and again I will say, WLS is not the easy way out.  It was the ONLY way out.  I hope that family, friends, doctors, insurance companies will begin to "get it."

And why don't they get it?  Because deep down we've all been fed this bologna about how weight is an outward sign of a serious character flaw.  It's a lack of self discipline and willpower and it's vulgar.  I know better.  Even after WLS, the struggle.  Is.  Real.  Sadly, I think some of us obese or formerly obese buy into this theory the most.  We are so ashamed of ourselves.  If we gain weight we start an inner dialogue of negative self talk.  And some of us, even after having battled these own battles ourselves, seem to perpetuate the notion that weight gain is a sign of a character flaw by the way we counsel those who have experienced regain.  It's not as simple as "work harder."  that's like telling someone who's clinically depressed to "think happy thoughts."  Or telling someone with asthma to "breathe in deeply."  It's kind of insulting and I think in this instance, it perpetuates the very archaic thinking that weight gain is associated with a lack of effort or discipline.  

My hope is that someday obese people are seen as having a genetic or metabolic disability.  That obesity is a disease.  And that it should be treated without regard to one's "character."  I hope one day that we see WLS no different that open heart surgery--a very necessary medical intervention to a disease.  And I would go one step further and say my greatest hope is that we just get over peoples' weights!!  There is so much more to care about.  So much more.  

A lot of motivational speakers and athletes talk about the importance of goals and visualizing yourself achieving them.  They say it's important to visualize yourself making the layup and the crowd cheering as you clinch the 1st round of NBA playoffs (Wooo Thunder!), or imagine yourself going into the conference room, perfect posture, head held high, and killing that presentation.  Goals are so so important in deciding what we are going to do and more importantly, how we are going to tackle it.  I think I wrote a blog post on here a long time about about "Goal posts" and how you'd never know if you scored a touchdown if you don't know where the endzone is.

Well what does goal-setting with weightloss look like?  If I try to remember far back nearly 6 years ago, I don't recall that I really had particular goals.  It was more vague kind of I want to just keep losing weight.  I think the trouble with goal-setting before WLS is we really have no idea what we can achieve.  If you are like me, you wonder whether this will just never work.  Diets never worked on me before.  And I mean never.  I think I once did lose 25lbs. drinking a liquid diet for a few weeks.  So I was hesitant to set a goal, knowing the huge disappointment it would represent.  Now, in maintenance, I think goal setting may be even more important.  Because now has come the time where action is required.  I'll be pretty blunt with you--it did not take much work to lose weight for the first year.  I mean, it wasn't fun.  I wanted to eat more.  But I couldn't.  But the sleeve kind of did its own thang.  If anything, my very conservative approach to goal-setting slowed me down.  You see, my sister had lost pretty much all her weight by the 6 month mark.  Not me.  I was just rounding out about 200, 210.  And when I went for a check up with my surgeon he said "ya know, that's probably about all you're going to lose, maybe another 10."  Luckily I have never enjoyed anything more than proving people wrong, and I would go on to lose another 50-60lbs. over the course of the next 6-9 months.

You know what they say about opinions...yeah, yeah we all got 'em.  I think the closer you feel you're getting to goal, the more important it is to have a very clear idea of what that is, why you're doing it, and what allowances you are willing to make for changes in circumstance.  I'm in a very difficult place at the moment.  As of today I weighed 159.6.  Clearly, I'm still up from my maintenance weight.  But I am finding it so much harder now.  I should have guessed how hard it would be to lose weight when it was ridiculously hard just to maintain!  There has to be balance.  I will do what I do to lose weight.  But it has to be a manageable weight.  What exactly does that mean?  Now being super strict at dieting, I can see that there are several changes I could have made while "maintaining."  They aren't so bad.  I've been ordering more salads recently, eating primarily fruits and vegetables for my carbs.  A lot of these are rules I used to follow, and after a little "tune up" I think I can get back to focusing on them again.  But I don't think I can be so strict forever.  I enjoy my half english muffin with breakfast.  And I think I can arrange my calories to allow for that.  I think I can add exercise in the way of walking the dogs each evening.  That's what they mean when they talk about balance.  As long as I'm at a healthy weight, and feel good, I don't mind weighing a couple pounds heavier if it means I can have an occasional indulgence.  I think that's okay, good, even healthy!  I also don't think food is just fuel.  You'll hear that tossed around a lot in the dieting world.  Food is no more just for fuel than sex is just for procreation.  Food is to be enjoyed!  Food is so integral to so many of our familial, cultural, and religious celebrations.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  That doesn't mean you have to eat it all, or eat the pie just to appease aunt Dorothy.  I does mean that the next part of the learning curve is being able to identify your own weaknesses, know your own breaking point, imagine what balance means to you, and figure out a plan to put it into action.  This will be different as each individual.  For me, reese's cups and peanut M&M's are a no-go.  If I eat one, I'll eat the bag.  I don't think this makes me a bad person or an addict.  I don't even think it means I can't eat any carbs or even any candy.  It just means that that is a trouble food for me.  If I do get them, I split a box at a movie with my husband.  You see, balance.  And now that I'm trying to lose weight, it's been easier to eliminate that entirely, and I simply drank water at the movies.  On the other hand, Dove chocolate promises don't bother me in the least.  In fact, I think I have a package of them going old.  I have actually found them to be helpful to my weightloss efforts.  Chocolate?  Beneficial to weightloss?!!  YES!  Because I love sweets.  And if I have a dove chocolate with an espresso, my palate is happy and says "you can go to bed now."  Whereas in my experience if I let cravings get too bad, I tend to eat everything but the thing I'm craving, and eventually I still eat what I craved.

You will find you have a lot of critics along the way.  At first you have many people who will ask you "why can't you just diet" and plead with you to not take the "easy way out."  You assure them, "this is not the easy way out, it's the ONLY way out."  And I firmly believe that.  But people, especially family, will continue to scrutinize your eating.  At first they might convince you that you're not eating enough.  And if a dessert should pass your lips, or if pounds are added to your hips, you can bet they'll be right back on you about it.  That's why it's important to find what works for you and just go for it.  I have no interest killing myself to be 135lbs.  I'm going to try to get down to at least 149 (my lowest weight) and see what kind of work it takes to maintain at that level.  Life is about a lot more than a random number on a scale.  I won't live a miserable life just to meet someone's expectation of what my weight should be.  Especially if I feel healthy and happy and have a good BMI.  I know some post-op patients who are probably around 200lbs, size 16.  I still consider them successes.  They might have used to be 350.  And they are doing their best.  That's really all you can ask of someone.  

I wish I had more insight.  I know it's hard.  It's also rewarding.  Find what you can do, acknowledge your successes, and achieve your goals.  You are worthy!!

I've been pretty open with my weight gain struggle on here recently.  And one thing that I have noticed that I am shocked by is the weight loss superiority complex.  It turns out that, for some, having weight loss surgery has turned them into self-proclaimed health know-it-alls who cannot fathom regain.  They have a lot in common with the people who could not understand why I couldn't lose weight before surgery.  "Stop making excuses" they all say.  "You know what you need to do" they cheer.  "Don't eat the stuff that makes you fat" sometimes they taunt.  From the sound of their encouragement, which sometimes sounds eerily similar to criticism, you'd think they had never had a weight problem in all their life.  

They are hypocrits.  There.  I said it.  If you have had weight loss surgery and cannot understand how difficult and complex one's relationship with food is after WLS, and you would blame someone for regain, and the only advice you have to offer is "stop making excuses" then you may be suffering from the Weight Loss Surgery Superiority Complex, or WLSSC.  WLSSC is most commonly found in those about 2-3 years out from surgery.  Those are the people who have lost the weight, and kept it off for some stint of time, but have not fully realized the time period where regain is quite prevalent.  I might have even had a mild case of WLSSC 3 years ago.  Around that time I would see those veterans who had surgery about a year before me, who I iconicized, regaining weight.  I would think what the heck?!?!  How could they LET that happen.  I won't let that happen.  But I have.  It is still not too late for me--I've only gained 10lbs. in 5 years.  But this experience has cured me on my WLSSC.

What if you're 3+ years out with no weight gain?  Then count yourself very, very lucky.  

And if you're someone who thinks you might have contracted WLSSC, then ponder this question:  Why did you need WLS in the first place?  If it was for a variety of food issues, including a voracious appetite, then consider a secondary question.  If you woke up tomorrow with the same full-sized stomach you had before surgery, would you be successful?  I know I wouldn't.  It would only be a matter of time until I ballooned up into the mid-200s again.  That is why I work hard to try to keep my pouch restricted, despite everything else.  But some people feel this way.  They feel as though they are in the rowboat without any oars.  Perhaps the hypocrisy hits so strong because those who've had WLS feel like it was drastic enough that they would never allow themselves to fail it, no matter what.  And how could the rest of us?  How could we possibly eat a cute little Reese's easter egg when we staked so much in the outcome of WLS.  If you truly don't understand how difficult it is to make healthy choices, and to be hungry and not eat, then it sounds like you could have lost weight on your own and you "*took the easy way out*" by having WLS.  It hurts all the more that people who should understand the best are the quickest to judge.  I suppose that's because they see that we have followed similar paths and think now that it should be as easy for me as it is for them.  And that sounds an awful lot like the type of comments I heard from thin naysayers before WLS.  

DON'T BE A HYPOCRIT.  It's not nice.

I seem to keep gaining.  I have some thoughts on that.  But for now I want to talk about food guilt.

It's the whole "starving children in China" "clean your plate so you can get a gold star/dessert" mentality.  

I eat too much.  That's what got me here.  I can whine about the fact that I apparently have a very poor metabolism that causes me to gain weight on even a comparatively low calorie diet.  But if I want results, the simple fact of the matter is I eat too much.

That's what got me here.  And restricting my eating is what caused me to lose weight.  It was not a pretty way to lose weight.  And it involved severe restriction that I don't think I could have ever accomplished without the help of the sleeve.  But, again, the fact of the matter is that I ate too much.  And eating less caused me to lose 126lbs.

Although maybe not as drastic of a difference (about a 10lb. gain over 4 1/2 years), eating too much, I have concluded, is once again the culprit of my weight gain.  It's a little more complicated than that--I could certainly make my food go farther my making healthier choices, and I could add in exercise.  But mostly it's a numbers game and less is more.  

But now it's not so easy to turn down food.  I do have more room in my pouch.  In fact, I just might be hungry for it.  And once again I find it hard to say no to people.  I want to eat out in any social situation.  Early after surgery I was armed with the excuse that I had surgery (at least to my family), and I was really good about protecting my sleeve and moving food around my plate to avoid overeating in front of others.  But now I don't have that.  I have hunger, a desire to seem sociable when eating out with others, and I have food guilt.

Food guilt.  The other reasons I listed above make some sense.  Hunger seems like a really good reason to eat, or at least understandable.  And although social pressure is not the best one, I can kind of see how that fits in.  But food guilt?

I am very fortunate that I can afford a diet that keeps me at a healthy weight....errr nearing overweight.  My husband and I have the ability to buy groceries and go out to eat, etc.  This is not a problem for us financially.  I say this only to assure you how absurd my food guilt problem is!  I want to eat more of that burger to make it seem worth it.  I want to eat more because by-gosh I spent the money.  I want to eat more because it's there.  I want to eat more because it drives me crazy to throw it away.  I want to eat more because there are starving children in China.  I do not mean to make light of world hunger.  But what will my eating my whole plate of food do to change that?  In fact, that's the perfect question to ask when I stare, guilt-ridden, at my uneaten half plate of food.  Eating the whole plate won't save me money (occasionally a restaurant offers a light portion).  I'm going to have to pay for that food whether I eat it or not.  I was able to pay for an entire plate of food when I was morbidly obese.  It did nothing.  But cost me my health.  

Last week probably represents the worst meltdown I've had post op.  I guess it was bound to happen.  I am just glad that those feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy have left.  I had a lifetime fill of that pre-op.  I don't need any of that negativity anymore.

Ok.  By the numbers.  Today I am at 157.6!  The scale was messing with my head last week, clearly.  That means I'm down 6.4lbs. from last Monday.  I don't believe it.  I think I was weighing heavy then after vacation, or I'm weighing light now, or a combinatiion of the two.  Also, I came down with the flu last Tuesday.  Suprisingly, I was actually hungry on Tuesday and Wednesday, my worst flu days.  Like HUNGRY.  Stomach growling, pills feel like they're resting in an empty stomach chasm hungry.  So, despite my better judgment, I ate.  And I ate the less-healthy things that sound good when you're sick.  Like dry apple jack cereal.  But I also thought the best thing I could do for my sick body was to listen to it and feed it when needed.  I took that gamble, and it worked in my favor.  It's also worth noting that since then I have had amazing restriction and a small appetite.  Not being hungry and not being interested in food makes such a huge difference.  Unfortunately this is not an everyday thing at 5 1/2 years outl like it used to be.  It's rare for my restriction to be that good.  And its even more uncommon for me to not be interested in food.  

Now to a lesser extent I have always experienced these satiety swings.  And that's why as good as meal planning is for us, it can also neglect to take into account our hunger levels and satiety--the very thing we worked so hard to get!  There are days when I am legitimately hungry for whatever reason.  Maybe my body needs more.  And then there are days when I'm pretty full and satisfied on less, and yet I find myself trying to shovel down the food (granted, it's healthy, pre-portioned food) because I have it.  A great example is that I bring snacks with me to work.  The benefit of doing this is that I don't feel the need to overeat at lunch (because I know I can have more food if I want) and there's no excuse to fall back onto bad food.  However, i also almost always eat it--regardless of whether I'm hungry or not.  An oft quoted phrase is "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."  But could it also be that if you plan to eat--you definitely will!  

What are your guys thoughts on snacking?  I'm torn.  I've always been a snacker.  It used to be bad food, and now I'm getting much better about bringing yogurt or chicken or tuna or something.  It's also almost a necessity to get in enough protein--even at this far out.  However, it really eats away at the calories I can have.  Even at 5 1/2 years out, the 1200 calories I need to lose weight divided between 3 meals and 2 snacks doesn't go far--even when I'm making very clean food decisions.  I'm also afraid at the idea of encouraging a snacking behavior--what if it turns into mid-afternoon sugar again?  

On the other hand, I have done it this way to avoid overeating at mealtime and stretching out my sleeve which I feel is a much more dangerous prospect.  I can maintain with snacking (I think).  I cannot maintain if my sleeve loses its restriction.  Your thoughts?!!!

One last thing.  I had a meltdown last week.  Which is easy to do when your weight gets so out of hand so quickly.  A 6.4lb. loss and a week to reflect can change your perspective.   I log on MFP.  My weight today was 157.6.  Exactly a year ago it was 156.8--less than a pound away.  Also, my lowest weight last year was during the summertime at 154.6.  That's 3lbs. away.  And, like most of you, probably, I tend to weigh heavier after the holidays and during the winter than I do in the summertime.  I'm 3lbs. above my low last year.  And I'm 6lbs. above my maintenance weight from 4 1/2 years ago.  Not too shabby.  That's very manageable.  I'm not saying it'll be easy.  Or that I won't have another meltdown.  But I am saying I was too quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  I'm doing fine.  Today, even being heavier than I want to be, I'm still 120lbs. below my surgery weight.  Holy.  Freaking.  Cow.  That deserves a pat on the back.

This is not a happy post.  This is not an inspirational post.  It is blunt and harsh and real.  A legitimate meldown.

My weight has been steadily creeping up.  No surprise.  It's been going in the opposite direction from what I want to see.  The more focus and effort I try to put into restarting weightloss, the more my body and head resists.  This is miserable.  I haven't felt this helpless and doomed since before surgery.  It feels impossible.  I'm just not that strong of a person I guess.  I try to make good choices.  I really do.  I wish I could show you my meal plans and tell you what I turned down.  That for lunch today I took the bread and avocado and dressing off my grilled chicken avocado club sandwich and only ate 1/4 of it and my side was a cup roasted vegetable soup (no cream).  I wish I could show you how I drove past the fast food on Friday and came and ate my chicken-shredded lettuce salad.  I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect.  I just got back from mardi gras.  Where I had a (ONE) beignet, yes I did.  And I'll admit I consumed alcohol.  And I ate oysters.  But I also walked a lot.  And I have a sleeve.  And I can tell you that I ate less than my much thinner friends.  WHAT GIVES?!!!!!!!  

I feel pretty helpless right now.  I told you I'm not perfect.  And I know I never will be.  And yet that feels like what's demanded of me to lose weight again.  I want to collapse into a pile of self-pity.  What's worse is, the more I try and fail (because...I'm not perfect), the more critical I become of myself.

You guys, I really truly feel like I'm doing all that I can.  I know that's lame.  I know you're thinking "c'mon Bonnie, you could've not eaten xyz."  I'm really not sure.  I actually do feel like I'm doing my best and my best isn't cutting it.  I'm not trying to make excuses or rationalize.  It's just that this is really hard.  Really hard.  Really really hard.  No bones about it.  Knowing how wonderful and liberating it was to lose the weight makes regain all the worse.  I know what's waiting for me.  I know what I'm leaving behind.  

This is as hard as it was pre-surgery.  And I couldn't lose weight then.  Not for all my life.  Not for as much as I wanted to be thinner.  Not for as much as I needed to be thinner.  Not with all the social pressures and stigma against being fat.  I couldn't lose weight then even though my calorie allotment was much higher.  I couldn't lose weight then:  what makes now any different?

I'm not the first and certainly not the last to experience regain.  I used to see others who got sleeved 1-2 years before me and see them regaining and I'll admit I thought "that won't be me."  If you're reading this right now and think "that won't be me"--just bite your tongue!  And make sure to stick to the plan!  

So today after my weekend vacation I weighed in at 164.2.  Gasp.  15lbs. over my lowest and a good 12lbs. above maintenance.  When I logged my bmi, it was 24.9.  ONE TENTH of a point away from being overweight.  If that can't scare me back on track, I don't know what can.  Will my new milestones be counted by how much weight I've gained?  

Someone just suggested I seek help or counseling something like overeaters anonymous, etc.  I suddenly felt very defensive.  I really wanted to say "buuuutt I don't have a problem!!"  They say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step.  But I honest-to-goodness am not there yet--I still dont' think I have a problem.  I know for a fact that my friends eat more than me (lots more--like twice) and weigh less than me!  They eat the bread on their chicken sandwich.  I'll admit I was a little taken aback when I received this kind piece of advice about seeking help.  See my blog a few months ago "I could lose weight if I wanted to."  I still feel like it's all a conspiracy.  My body sucks at metabolism.  I believed that before my surgery and I believe that now.  

My husband tries to be helpful and responds with tidbits like "No it doesnt.  You were able to lose a lot of weight when you restricted your eating after surgery."  Yeah.  By starving.  Except back then it didn't feel like starving because my restriction was so strong.  Now it does.  I had to eat like 500 calories a day to lose this weight.  Like hair falling out malnourished eating to lose weight.  Is that honestly what I have to do?!  I don't know why I thought it'd be different now.  That I'd suddenly turn into a normal healthy person.  I've only ever lost weight when I was eating sub-1000 calories.  And I don't think I can do that now.  I'm not superwoman.  I don't think that makes me an overeater in need to counseling.  Maybe I'm still in denial.  Maybe my body sucks.  I'm feeling totally and utterly helpless right now.  I wish somebody could understand and comisserate.  And help.  I just want someone to say "you don't have a problem.  We all have struggles.  Your body struggles to metabolize efficiently.  But unfortunately if you want to lose weight you need to make some changes.  You poor baby.  I know it's hard.  But you're not far from the mark.  You've done amazing things.  And you've only gained 15lbs."  

It's not easy!!!  I don't know what to do.  I'm just not good enough at this.  Maybe I don't have enough self discipline.  Whatever it takes, I apparently don't have it.  

Meltdown over.  Back to my hot tea.   

Hi All.  I'll try to keep this short and sweet.  Which, c'mon, it probably won't be.  I don't know if anyone even reads on here any more.  I'm just trying to keep it real.  If any of you are on instagram, I try to keep it real there too on my @sleevedsista account and you can hold me accountable on myfitnesspal where I'm beskinnymini14 (ha I thought I'd reach my goals in 2014).

Wow guys, where did the time go?  It's been almost 6 years since I first started investigating WLS.  I am so so blessed and thankful for the chance at life it gave me.  For me it's like a life-saving transplant--it really both saved and transformed my life.  I would not have died from obesity--at least probably not for a long time.  But I wasn't really living.  I was a spectator to  my own life.  I'm so glad I had the surgery!  I want to shout from mountaintops.  And I'm so glad I had it when I did--at 22.  What life I would have missed.  What sweet, sweet experiences.  

But I find the excitement of all that wearing off.  Maybe it's because its not all so new now.  Maybe it's because I'm ashamed that I'm going in the wrong direction--I was 159.2 on the scale today, y'all--10lbs. up from my lowest recorded adult weight, and 6-8lbs. up from where I comfortably maintained.  Maybe it's just where I'm at in life--I'm now married, close enough to my weightloss goals, and have now graduated from law school and passed the bar.  I've pretty much done what I set out to do.  Or maybe it's because it's a Thursday.  In January.  Yuck.

But that's the truth about life.  And certainly about maintaining weight.  The day-to-day work is not as glamorous as those big milestones like the new dress sizes or "onderland" or graduating law school and passing the bar.  It's mundane.  And you'll go long periods of time without being recognized for your accomplishments although, truth be told, it's still a heck of a lotta work.  Case-in-point:  I just stopped to get a McDonald's chocolate chip cookie and a coffee for a treat.  Maybe it's not exactly "diety" and not the best thing I could have done for myself.  On the other hand, I get a (usually warm) chocolate chip cookie as good as my grandmother makes that satisfies my sweet tooth/chocolate craving and I can buy ONE.  For fifty cents.  No dough, no leftover chocolate chips.  No 3 1/2 dozen other cookies.  ONE.  Brilliant!  I actually felt pretty good about my choice.  As I pulled away from the drive through I came to the terrible realization that they had given me THREE.  No, they had not charged me for three.  And yes, ordinary people would be over-the-moon thrilled that McDonald's made this type of mistake.  But here I am at work staring at the bag that contains the other two chocolatey, melty cookies.  And I won't eat them.  I want to.  I really, really want to.  And perhaps my diet could start next Monday.  And who could blame me.  But I won't.  I'm going to stand strong and take them to my grandmother when I take her the other half of my lunch.  No one will throw me a parade.  In fact, I am more likely now to have people tell me "go ahead and eat that cookie, you don't need to lose any more weight."  But I'm still fighting the same battles every day.  So I guess I would tell a newbie out there--don't let anyone make you feel like you're taking the "easy way out."  I've always said I took the ONLY WAY OUT.  And now that I've lost the weight, I have to continue to fight it every day.  I feel like I've lost a few more battles than I've won recently, but I'll keep getting back up.

So I've decided that this year really is going to be the year of the new me.  I'm getting closer and closer to 30.  My friends are having kids and are focused on things besides themself.  This year is my now.  I want to see what I can do with this body.  I want to fulfill the promise I made to myself nearly 6 years ago.  I want to feel that good about myself again.  I want to be proud of myself again.  And, let's be real, I want to turn heads at my highschool reunion later this year.  So this year beskinnymini14 will happen...in 2016.  I want to be HALF of myself.  My high weight before surgery was 277.  So that means I need to be 138.5.  I'm just about 20lbs. away from that, give or take a pound.  And I want to reach that goal by Memorial Day which is 17 weeks away (or before then).  I think that's doable.  I need to lose just over 1 lb. a week to reach that goal.  And if I reach it sooner then I will reevaluate and see where my happy weight will be.  I felt pretty good about 152, I think 145 would probably be awesome and 138 I'd imagine would be ideal.  I'll try to check back in here some to update you on my progress.  I will be updating myfitnesspal and instagram every day.  

Okay, so maybe not the summit summit.  I still wanted to get down to 138.5 "half my weight" but you get the idea.  I lost the weight.  Now what?

For years I heard people say that maintenance was the hardest part and would think "oh give me a break!!!"  That's like saying it's tougher to pay bills when you're all paid up--shouldn't being there at that long-fabled and truly prized mecca of a goal weight be much better than only dreaming about the possibilities?  

First off I would say no, maintenance is not the hardest.  Near-maintenance is the hardest.  Perhaps not coincidentally, this is where I find myself.  All of the inspiration to lose weight is taken away--but you still want to lose weight.  Today I weighed 157.  On me that looks like a tight size 6 or loose size 8 jeans.  Not skinny by any means, my former self would have probably thought I needed to eat a sandwich!  But surrounded by my early-20s peers I sometimes feel downright fat.  But the worst part about it is I know I could do better.  I am totally sedentary.  My 84 year old grandmother walks her dog around the block twice a day--and I think she gets more activity than I do!  I'm just not where I want to be for my twenties.  Some of us may disagree--some may remind me that this is "all about health" (please refer to earlier post about wanting some of the cosmetic benefits of WLS too), some may tell me that my BMI, while on the high side, is still in the normal range.  Some may come at it from more of a "what did you expect" and "your results are great considering where you came from."  But to be honest I feel like I'm a few meters from the top of Everest--what a waste to just make camp here--or worse, descent!  

Why do I think it's harder?  Well for one it's lost its newness.  The compliments stopped coming in ages ago.  I used to wake up practically every morning and race in to weigh myself.  Ahh those were the days weren't they?  Now the scale and I have an embittered relationship.  It'll give me a 0.2lb. loss only to give me a 1lb. gain the next morning!  The clothing isn't as exciting.  I used to have to replenish my wardrobe every few weeks.   Now I'm just looking to go down 1, maybe 1 1/2 sizes (to make it a solid 4).  It's just not as special any more.

And combine that with (tapping my stomach) "hey, is this thing on?"....I'm beginning to worry that my tool has stopped working!  Okay, so that was overdramatic.  When I sit down to any kind of dinner with "normal" eaters, I know it still works.  But now I eat like a normal person normally should...you know, 1/2 of the portions.  I guess it makes sense that eventually we would have to eat like normal people, or else we'd starve ourselves to death, right?  But recently this realization has been quite frightening to me.  Like I had a serious surgery and it's hard for me to maintain, much less lose the weight!  

Let me break that down for us.  The calorie gods say that if I'm a normal sedentary person of my gender, weight, and age, I should be able to eat about 1850 calories a day and maintain.  HOLY CRAP.  Let's just say that the 5lb. gain was a small adjustment and forgive it--that still means I'm eating 1850 calories on a normal basis!  Yikes!  Again, and I had my stomach cut out.  DOUBLE CRAP.  I cannot believe that, can you?  Well I didn't believe it so I started tracking my calories on myfitnesspal.  I was told that I needed to eat 1350 calories a day to lose 1lb. per week.  That seems like it should be doable.  Again, my head is screaming at me "you had WLS!!"  Well here is what I have concluded dear readers.  I have concluded that I eat more than 1350 calories per day.  But, even on my bad days, I'm pretty sure I do not eat over 1850.  I have found that I typically eat around 1500 calories per day and that's probably pretty average.  I have an occasional day around 1700 calories, but I also have occasional 1200 calorie days.  So if you're following my math, you are thinking the same couple things I was:  1) I knew I should've paid better attention in math class.  My math is wrong!, 2) I must be eating more calories than I fess up to, 3) maybe I get fewer calories because of my metabolism, 4) It failed, I knew it, call the Chinese delivery man pronto.

Today I'm convinced it's #4.  The problem with all this dieting is, well I was never good at dieting.  It made me think about food more.  I tried to cheat the system.  There was always another Monday for me to begin again.  And so today, that mentality has won.  Things I NEVER thought I would ever do after having VSG, let alone have done in one day.  I keep trying to remind myself one day does not maketh the eating habit.  

But back to the math.  If I'm tracking my calories right, and I'm eating under 1850 calories a day, there is really only one conclusion;  I cannot eat 1850 calories and maintain, much less lose a pound a week on 1350 calories.  I'll be honest right now you guys.  I feel exactly as I did 5 years ago before WLS.  I feel helpless.  Like this is never going to work.  And it doesn't make it much better that I "only" want to lose 20lbs.  In fact, I'm terrified now to discover that what I need to eat to maintain apparently doesn't satisfy my appetite.  I have NEVER been successful at this on my own.  And right now I feel alone, very alone.  The more I try to diet, the more my diet spins out of control.  I always focused my maintenance plan (which, just for the record was successful for 3 1/2 years) around the notion that life was about balance.  I forgot about calories, did do some of the things like protein first, but mostly just didn't overeat, and religiously never ate more than half of my portion.  I do not know what happened, but that stopped working.  

Ok, now swtiching gears.  I also think I'm uncomfortable about the idea of not having to lose weight.  I have always had weight to lose.  Beyond my magic goal weight was a dreamed up Utopia.  Any problem in life could be fixed if only I lost weight.  I've had some things going on the past few months to disrupt my happiness.  Aha!  I thought.  "It must be my weight."  I took some serious soul searching to realize that a little bit of my sudden push and desire to lose these 20lbs. is the belief that everything will be better if I just lose the weight.  I will say, in all honesty, weight is a distraction from other things.  It kind of drowns them out.  It's a nice scapegoat.  What a wonderful feeling to think that if I'm only a little prettier, thinner, etc. the world will start going my way.  

Being at goal weight also scares me because it's so...boring!  I'm at a very strange point in life.  One I've  never been at before.  I'm about to finish my graduate degree in May.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I know there is professional development, etc., but all my life I've had clearly-defined goals.  Graduating highschool and gpa, and applying to college, and resume and clubs, and applying to grad school, and getting published and gpa.  ON and on and on.  I don't really have that next thing I need to work towards education-wise.  And I don't yet know if I will be challenged professionally or not, or if it'll mean the same thing to me as the educational goals.  I'm feeling a little lost.  Strangely similarly I kind of feel that way about the fact that I recently got married.  I remember when I was first dating my now-husband how I celebrated every bitty baby milestone.  "This is our 2 month anniversary" "6 months down" "first birthday with you" "first Christmas together", etc.  And then there was the engagement.  And being engaged and planning the wedding was so fun.  And then the wedding came and went and now we just are.  Don't get me wrong, it's great.  And part of the being great is that it is without the same kind of insecurity and work that dating took.  But that part of my life is also settled.  Once I've lost all the weight...what on earth will I do with myself??!!

Well that covers so many topics.  Many more than I thought I would write about.  Sorry for the meandering.  I have just had a lot on my mind recently.  Dear God, please God let me lose the rest of this weight.  

So I was watching a tv show this week and some druggie said something to the effect of "I could quit it if I want to.  It's not like I can't.  It's not a problem."  And of course I in turn analogized to weightloss.  I had never maybe put my thinking in these exact terms.  But in essence this is what I think.  This is what I've always thought about weightloss.  I just "chose" not to commit today.  I'll start next Monday.  10lbs., 100lbs.?  When I'm good and ready I'll lose the weight. When it's not a snowday, no one has a birthday, my grandmother hasn't made an amazing treat, when it's not too hot, when it's not too windy, when I'm not celebrating, when I'm not depressed, when I'm not bored, when I'm not trying to be social, polite, etc, etc. etc.  I could have done it though, right?  Even the night before surgery I balked at the idea of surgery.  In some way wasn't that admitting that I COULD NOT lose the weight?  And didn't that make me a bad person?  

And then you have surgery.  And the weight magically drips off of you.  And you have a wonderful time experiencing your new toy.  And no, I do not mean your sleeve or pouch or what have you.  I mean you love crusin around in your new body like never before.  You love dressing it and meeting new people in it and it moves so easily now!

But then time passes, the newness wares off ever so slightly, and your sleeve expands a little, and you find yourself up 5 or 10lbs. saying to yourself "I can lose this weight if I want to."  But then you find yourself at a beer hall with friends and it would be so funny-duddy of you not to partake although you tried, painfully, to stave off any cravings for the first hour.  And you find yourself at an NBA basketball game.  And well what's a game without the calorie-laden food.  And you start to realize you are not invincible.  Maybe I turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?  

Right now I'm feeling a little hopeless.  I had a week where I lost about a half pound.  It was miserable  Every minute.  I cut out wine, I exercised 3 days, and tried very hard to stay within my calories.  I thought about food all the time.  I didn't enjoy what I did eat, I wanted what I couldn't eat.  And I felt socially awkward.  I didn't want to see anyone because it might mean going over my calories!  I don't know if it's my willpower or sucky metabolism or what but it suddenly got WAY harder.  The struggle is real.  I see all these people about as far post op as I am suddenly ballooning.  I didn't want that to be my story.  But now I'm not sure how to stop it.  You can't go cold turkey on food.