brownblonde
People Pleaser
May 17, 2016
I'm going to bet that I'm not the only one out there who was obese, and maybe, just maybe, my desire to please others contributed to that.
Frisco wrote a post on the "power of NO" recently. How it's underused. And I could really identify. Believe it or not, I would often even eat for others' benefit. I overthought the food. If my grandmother made something delicious (and in those days she cooked and baked often), I would concern myself that if I did not taste it I would hurt her feelings, and it might be the last thing of hers I ever got to eat. If someone brought food to a potluck, I felt the need to try it all. I wouldn't want to offend! I couldn't turn down a slice of birthday/anniversary/congratulatory cake that someone was having--it might look like I didn't care about them or appreciate their achievements! And I could easily soothe anyone around me, including myself, with food. WLS has forced me to let go of this mentality...to an extent. For awhile it was impossible for me to appease people by eating their food, and then afterwards I felt I had more willpower to say no. But recently when asked what I thought about their cookie at a potluck, I felt compelled to eat one, despite being already nearly overly full, just to satisfy them. And that was alarming.
I went to support group for the first time in a long time last month. And the question was posed: how do I eat healthy at a business meeting without drawing attention to myself. From my experience, this far out, that's the wrong question to be asking. I think we need to get comfortable with not giving a damn! To think that all those years I ate things that I didn't even particularly want to just to please someone else! That I put my health at risk! I hear that same question often enough, so this person wasn't unusual in wondering the same. And I can see how early out it might be too much pressure having to explain why you're doing what you're doing. But this was a group for people 1+ years out! So I think the simple answer is: doesn't matter. You may be able to control your food and surroundings for the first year post-op. But eventually, you will find yourself in the same old situations you did before. And don't you want to?! I didn't want WLS to make me a hermit--to the contrary, I wanted to be able to get out there and blossom, be more social, feel more confident, and not give all the power to food. I understand there are some situations and some points in time where you may be better off declining, or better off bringing your own snack/eating before or after. But for the most part, life goes on. And I want to live it. And that's why I never like the very stringent diet plans some doctors recommend. I wanted to learn to be able to be around food. To be able to indulge. And be able to stop. And for the most part, I think I've been successful at that. But whatever diet you do follow, you should be able to pick and choose foods you can eat, offer to bring food, eat before, eat after, etc. To be honest, people normally don't even notice what you're doing. We are very self-centered creatures. So that person next to you is more likely wondering if you noticed he got two cookies. In all my time after surgery, the only people who noticed my eating patterns were waiters who were worried the food was bad. But even if someone had asked me why I wasn't eating something, I'd like to think I could tell them "I'm watching what I eat" (or sodium, or cholesterol, etc. etc.) and not have a problem with it. They don't even really deserve an answer. But they certainly don't deserve for me to blow my diet. Or to cower off like I did something wrong.
Now I do have to mention a limitation to this: try not to be a completely rude guest. I entertain a lot. Often times it's potluck-fashion where I provide the main, one side, and a dessert, and others can fill in. If that's the case--no problem! Bring a salad, and stick to the protein. But occasionaly I have a well-planned dinner party. Inclusive of crystal and china. Many people do not understand the time, energy, and preparation that goes into making a more formal dinner happen. It is impossible to satisfy everyone's individual preferences. In this case, the best thing to do is either a) save up your calories and do your best, or b) if you know the host well, explain to them that you are under a medically supervised diet (or something that indicates this is not just a flavor-of-the-week thing) and that you were wondering if you could supplement the dinner and were wondering what was on the menu. I know, I know--I just got done telling you not to give a damn. But in this situation, with all the effort involved, I do think it's best to give the cook an explanation and the ability to try to come up with a plan.
But in nearly every other situation--don't give other people's opinions that much power! I plan to be doing this for a looooong time. I had WLS at 22. I don't expect to be able to hide from food, or people. And I don't want to!
