brwilkin
I am a relative newbie to this board and have watching posts for a few months now. One of my primary reasons for wanting WLS is of course to feel better, but I have another reason as well. The embarrassment. I went to a fun park a few months ago with my son and they literally had to sit on the seat belt to strap me in. I thought I would die. I get asked if I'm pregnant at least weekly, which is not a good thing for my children to hear. My son is constantly asking me why everyone asks me that. And the kicker? My daughter was saying that I embarrass her (now I don't know if this was because of a regular tweenager reaction (she's 11) because I'm her mom or because of my weight). My son heard her say this and said "Well mom, I'm not embarrassed that you're fat ALL the time." And that is the great wisdom of a sweet 9-year-old boy. I am embarrassing my children and it breaks my heart.
I constantly worry that the seat belts will not fit because of my girth (I am 261 and 5'5"), but carry everything in my top half and my abdomen. I don't want to get intimate in the bedroom with my husband because I am so ashamed of the way I look, and that is so unfair to him. While camping over the new year I was in the camper and broke the chair when I was getting up. It has just gotten to a point where I am at such a low in my life that something has to change. My emotional health is in the dumps because I always feel disgusting and shameful and embarrassed.
I don't have many comorbidities, or anything that will kill me, other than I just always feels like there's a stone in my stomach and it always feels so heavy. I get yeast rashes under my pannus that get red and inflamed because the fat rolls sweat so much. I can't go up a flight of stairs without getting winded. So there it is, the ugly truth. Did I do this to myself? Absolutely yes. I have no medical reason for being so big. None of my family is big, they are all normal sized people. There were just emotional issues for me that made me eat, and eat, and eat. I do not eat out of control anymore, I try to watch my portion sizes, I try to exercise, I try to do everything we are supposed to do. Is it coming off? A few pounds here and there, but then it comes back. My family is all against WLS and want me to sink more money into the new fad diets of now (and believe me I have done ALL of them), but I really think the money would be more well spent on something that could really work. I am self-pay as well, so it is a huge chunk of money we are talking about.
So that's my story. Am I proud of it? No. It just is. I want to have WLS because I want to be proud of me. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to not be embarrassed to swim with them or play with them. I want to go on a roller coaster and not be worried that I will fit in the seat. I want the airplane seat belt to fit without an extender. I want to be able to get out of the car without the car rising up 2 inches. I want to be intimate with my hubby and not think about what I look like. I want people not to look at me like I'm a freak when I have a plate of food in my hand, like I should just put it down. I want to dance again. I want to not have a pannus. I want to walk into a room and just be normal size, not ginormous.
So is this vanity? Partially. But mostly I just want to do something for me, something that I can be proud of, something that can give me a tool to help me with this weight that has plagued me since I was 7. So I think it is for emotional health as well. I'm pretty sure that if you ask ANY fat person, there is an emotional component attached. We are just not viewed as normal people. We are viewed as lazy people as a whole. And I don't want that stigma attached to me anymore. I want to really live life, not just be a spectator.
Amy
