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December 4th 2006
Hello here I am again...waiting again...I still haven't heard anything from Elaine. I left her a message on Friday and again today since I was supposed to hear something by the middle of last week. I'm having a rough last couple of weeks being sick and now just really getting down and feeling worthless. It feels like I'm just going to have to resign to being fat and somehow I'm going to have to be alright with it. I told my daughter today that it will only go one of two ways at this point: either I get to have surgery and I finally get this weight off and start feeling great or I give in to my weight and find happiness since I know how many times I've worked my butt literally off to keep a few pounds off and it creeps back on with a ton, excuse the pun, of friends. I just have to regroup and decide that either way my life is waiting and I don't want to wait any longer to catch up with it.
I think I will end it there since I'm feeling REALLY sorry for myself today...
Until then...

November 26th 2006

My friend robin is having surgery tomorrow and I'm soo excited for her. It's funny if you look at  my "member since" tomorrow is my one year mark of being a member on this board. 
I know I've come a long way and I'm closer than ever but I'm feeling blue and a bit envious that two of my friends are "there" and I'm still waiting to know. I guess this is to be expected but I'm so ready...have been. 
Well all keep my friend robin in your prayers...tomorrows her BIG day and hopefully I'll get to run up and see her while she's in the hospital!!
You Go robin!!!
Until then...

Nov 10th 2006

Well, I can't believe I'm down to the home stretch. It still seems sureal and like I've said before I won't believe it's happening until they put me under and I wake up in the hospital. 
I had my final nutrition appt. on the 8th of  this month and Elaine said we were all set. She was writing up my summary and submitting it to the board and the next time they meet is the 21st of this month, ironically my horoscope tags that day as my best day of the whole year. Elaine said we could know as soon as the day before Thanksgiving and by at least the following week what surgeon I'm assigned to. Since she sought pre-approval we are down to assigning a surgeon and finishing up with whatever he/she requires me to do.
It seems soo bizarre that after all these years of the roller coaster, yo-yo's emotions etc. that we are this close. 

Pray for me and a quick response!!

Until then...

5-24-06
Things I would like to do when I get my weight off:
1. Ride a roller coaster with my whole family!
2. Kayak...anywhere
3. Run a 5k
4. Play with my kids all day ;@)
5. Learn to play tennis


5-2-06
I am finally getting around to starting an online journal. I'm just starting this process and have already gone to my Weight Loss Class and getting ready for GB1 on the 23rd of this month. I'm soo ready. I've been through counseling since last fall and it's been amazing and a wonderful yet emotional journey that I've needed to take for soo long. I feel soo good about the person I am and I'm positive for the first time and optimistic about peeling away my "physical" layers. It's going to be fun watching my own progress and being able to come in here and read where I've been and where I'm going. I'm already starting to overwhelm myself with a list of things I would like to do once I get my weight off. I will post them soon. I thank God for the support here, it's wonderful.

5-17-06
I have been gaining inspiration through the many before and after pictures here and I am hopeful to be among them in a year or so. Sunday the 14th was not only Mother's Day but our 1st Marriage Anniversary. My beautiful daughter wanted to get me something nice so her and my husband went shopping and not knowing what size I wear now she bought me a size XL summer pj's. Her little heart was so broken when she realized they wouldn't fit me. I couldn't even get the bottoms much past my knees and I got trapped in the top. I remember when that size would've been huge on me and my little girl remembers a time when I was a lot smaller. It's been 5+ years since I was that size. I've struggle up and down with weight my whole life. I can't wait to put those pj's on for me and for my daughter. She was soo upset and wanted so badly to return them and I wouldn't let her. I told her that was my inspiration and she helped me with it. I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and support system. I can't wait to be more physically involved in my family!

5-24-06
Well, yesterday was the GB1 class. It would appear the criteria has changed...for the better. So now it's 5 months and 150 days instead of the 6 months. I not sure how other insurance companies work but with Kaiser this is the new norm. I am getting nervous excited and it soo cool. After class last night and the fact that I have my first one on one with Nurtritionist on the 19th of June, that's two out of 6 appts out of the way. I keep going on here and looking at before and after pictures and I can't wait to post mine. What a better quality of life I will have not only for myself but my family as well.
I'm still working on my list but I've put a few things as you've noticed on top with my bio...talk to you soon!

6-19-06
Today was a good day. I had my first one on one with my nutritionist and I'll have to say Elaine is great! When I had my GB 1 class and was weighed I was 275, well now I'm at what my weight say here...279...so she wants me to lose the 4 pounds I had gained and since I'm close to the 40 I won't have to lose beyond that however it's great if I do but not mandatory. Of course what is is that I get my eating lined out and make healthy choices and make them a habit. That's my goal and my homework for this next month, oh and lose the 4 pounds...DOH! I can't believe I'm nearing the halfway there mark. She also said that she will go ahead and put in the recommendation for me to have surgery to the board. She also said that she hasn't been denied her recommendation yet so hopefully I won't have a single issue. Next Monday I go to the psychiatrist to try and get a good balance between my anit-depressants and my ADD meds. Elaine had mentioned that since I would already be there try and get my evaluation for clearance. I did the questionare with the advice nurse and she will then submit that to Dr. Shen, my internalist, and Elaine and when I see Dr. Tankeh the psychiatrist, having had seen her before, perhaps she can go ahead with the eval. I can't believe that things are running smoothly on course. I could be sitting here a year from now telling you all how much weight I have lost and what my heatlh progress has been overall. I'm excited for this journey...FINALLY!
Until next time....

6-29-30
I met with my Psychiatrist today and got my meds lined out. We adjusted my anti-depressant and got me straightened out with the right combo to go with my Ritalin for the ADHD. I feel 10X better already and have gotten a ton of things done this week especially yesterday and today. The ritalin dries my mouth out but it also reminds me to drink my water! My Psychiatrist is approving my eval for sugery and was due to submit her report to both my Internalist and the nutritionist to go in my packet. Look at me make progress;@) I'm getting excited. I have my next Nutritionist appointment on the 20th of July and then we start the two month count down to all the final appointments. Until I have more to report...

7-17-06
Today I feel out of sorts. Not really depressed but anxious and stressed. I'm having a "blah" day. My husband and I aren't talking right now and I know he has a lot on his mind totally aside from this but I do to. This is huge and I feel like all he can do is wrap himself up with his own junk. I have this wonderful book about GB and it covers everything including how your family and spouse deal with this. Well all I can say is even thought he denies it he is having a textbook case of anxiety over this. I'm his third wife and the other two cheated and I sometimes wonder if he is worried I will do the same when I feel better about myself. I also think that's why he NEVER compliments me or doesn't seem to care when i look like a frumpy housewife all day. He won't communicate with me and I feel alone. I did tell those who know that this is about me and they are welcome along for the ride but stay out of my way. I hate to sound brash about it but I'm finally putting myself on the list and a whole lot of people aren't going to be comfortable with me putting myself first for a change. At least I lost the 4 pounds the nutritionist told me too so I can see her on Thursday and hopefully have a good report. Until then...

7-27-06

Well, I'm a slacker! I have had two appointments since I last posted. My 2nd nutritionist one on one and my GB 2 class. I can hardly believe it. I've been stuck in a nervous anxious pattern for a few days now and kind of off and on for about a month. So many things seem to be happening at once my head is spinning. We are still waiting to hear from the "board" to see if I'm going to have a rough time getting approved since I'm right on the cusp. According to my posted weight here at the beginning of my blogging I'm a solid 40 BMI but I bounce within four pounds which puts me back and forth between 39.6 and 40! I thought in math anything from .5 and up was rounded up??? Not so with the NIH!!
It's funny, well not really but the picture that is posted here isn't even my "fatest" picture but I had my husband help me with downloading it here and he chose the picture.
I feel frazzled today, kind of like a total out of body experience it's very strange. My daughter had her middle school orientation, well the first of a few, my two step-daughters left yesterday and fly to Europe tomorrow for 3 1/2 weeks, I've been interviewing and patiently waiting to hear about a job I've been trying to get for over a year now and working on having this surgery. I guess my plate is full! Today I felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to cry. Sometimes I feel like my world is spinning soo fast. Everything going on is positive but still stressful. I guess it's the ADD keeping me wound up right now more than normal. I'm feel like I'm getting inpatient. DUH right. I keep having these amazing dreams about the slimmer "Darcy" and they are finally feeling soo real. It actually seems possible and within reach and I'm seriously trying, as crazy as this will sound, to enjoy the ride to the starting line.
I'm sure I will write more later; I have a ton on my mind!

8-3-06

I don't even know what emotion to start with on this entry. My nutritionist was supposed to take a pile of profiles for approval/pre-approval to the obesity board this week, not sure which day, and I am supposed to know by tomorrow if I will have a battle on my hands or if I am going to get approved. Honestly I'm soo stressed out and anxious right now I could be sick. I also found out this week after trying for two months, that I didn't get the job I wanted. It's a total bummer I really wanted/needed this job. We could soo use the money right now but hey can't everyone. I've been so out of body this week that I haven't documented any eating or exercise, well this week was a severe heat wave so I didn't do much. I feel like I've worked so hard and tried to prepare myself and educate myself enough that I'm ready, not only for a great job but most important this surgery. I'm soo ready to start moving my life in a totally positive direction. It's hard to stay cheerful right now. I'm fighting it everyday to stay upbeat and positive but there have been so many stressors and let downs. It's a lot to handle and keep my witts about me but I'm doing it, I have to...hopefully tomorrow I will have an update and hopefully it will be prayers answered!
Until then...

8-07-06

Well, last Friday I was having such an emotional day that I just decided I wasn't and didn't want to find out what the decision was just in case it was denied I didn't want that looming over my weekend. My daughter went camping and rafting with some family friends and my husband and I had some desperately needed one on one time. Our time alone was wonderful and just what we needed. We've really started to reconnect and I know we have a long road ahead of us but we are moving forward and I didn't want to have this decision cloud any of that time we needed. So...I called my nutritionist just past noon, she was with a patient but had some bits of information but needed to call me back. It seemed like I waited hours but it was less than one hour and she called and said..."YOU'RE APPROVED!" YIPPEE...I AM SOO EXCITED AND I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Now I need to get some more of my appointments scheduled and start the final pre-op phase! My insides are doing flip flops...I'm sure I'm like everyone here who gets to this point and now I'm one of them...CAN YOU SAY OUT OF BODY!!! I'll have more as soon as I can sit still! Thanks to all and whoever had me in their prayers!!
Until then...

8-27-06
What a stressful marriage I seem to be having. My husband, after of course our initial meeting and well after we were engaged and I moved out here, finally lets me know he doesn't really like to make out and it bothers him that I want to kiss and be close and make love more than once every six weeks. I haven't even had surgery yet and really our issues started before we were married. I'm soo lonely and I feel myself sinking more and more into depression. I got an email tonight from one of my best friends and she is getting remarried to her first husband. Here's the problem; they are getting marriend in Las Vegas. I love Vegas however, my husband thinks that there is nothing at all there except drinking, smoking, sex and gambling! I've been there before and out of the four I only did one and that was gamble if you call playing the nickel slots at 9 a.m. after breakfast and with a cup of coffee a horrific sin well then here I come HELL because I've been condemned. He doesn't and never has smoked or drank a drop of alchohol and he has told me that if I EVER do we are over. I've never been nor will I ever be an alchoholic but I am an adult but he seems to have forgotten that. I want to go to the wedding soo bad but I will suffer huge consequences if I do! I grew up down the street from her my whole life and now someone I've only known for a few years is telling me that basically since the wedding is in Vegas I can't go because "HE" doesn't like the whole Vegas idea!
Here's the other crappy part...I desperately need this surgery but I can't have it unless I have insurance and I don't have insurance without him...grrrr...surgery bettter hurry because I think by this time next year I could very well be single again! If so, I will go back to college.
Until then...

9-15-06
Well, things are better for the most part. Husband spends most of his time in his "cave". Still doesn't come to bed until it's about time for me to get up with the kids. I know he has a lot on his mind and his plate but HELLO, I thought we were a team and I don't even feel like I can talk to him right now because "he's" stressed out and needs space. I don't know sometimes.
I had my preliminary GI appt and setting up of the Upper GI scope for the 5th of Oct. I'll be glad to finally do that. I've managed to keep between 8-10 pounds off for over a month. I know me though I need this surgery or else I'm going to gain more weight and I am honestly running out of clothes and don't have the money to keep buying bigger ones and don't want to. Monday is Nut #5 and I will only have one more in the series along with several other appts. through the next month and a half to two months. Still haven't had the consult yet but I'm sure it's coming quickly. My OH email friend India had her surgery last month and is doing great so that's inspiration. We'll be close enough to be able to share some. Well actually 3-4 months apart but that's close.
Anyhow, I will write more as the week progresses. I feel crummy with allergies so I'm going to take a nap!
Until then...

9-23-06
OK, so I'm a total slacker! I've had two appointments this week and haven't posted! Anyhow, the 18th was Nutrition #5 and the 20th was my consult with the sleep center and found that I will be doing the sleep study on the 5th of October. Also of note, my husband went to the Dr. (finally and we have the same Doc) and he inquired about the sleep apnea/ study so he now has a referral. I told him we may both be going to bed with our "Darth Vadar" breathing aparatises on. (him being a Star Wars fan I thought I would talk his language)
My 6th and final pre-op nutrition appointment is Oct. 18th and I will be done with everything and just wait to have a consult and get the final word. It's soo strange all along I've been ready everyone else's posts and wonder if I was EVER going to get there and it's getting closer and closer. I heard though it could take 2-6 months to get a date...ugh...oh well a few more months after years of being overweight I can do this. Anyhow more as I get through the next week or two.
Until then...

10-06-06
Hello all, well yesterday I had my Upper GI and it went well. Everything looked within normal limits. A small heital hernia in my throat, no alarm, and some redness and irritation on my stomach but again no alarm within normal range. They also took a byopsy of my stomach to test for H-pylori so my tummy is a bit irritated and tender today. So now I have my sleep study on the 16th of this month followed by my final mandatory pre-op nutritionist visit then I should know for sure what my fate is. I was already told I was approved but with the way my life has been I don't go by the saying "The checks in the mail". I want it in my hand and ready to be cashed. Things have been very busy around my house with no sign of slowing down but I guess that's alright since when I have surgery I will be down for the count for a bit. I'll be happy to find out the results of the sleep study and to be honest as tired as I am all the time and the fact that I NEVER get a good nights sleep, I wouldn't be upset at all if I ended up with a c-pap even if it's temporary! I would just love to make it through the day without being desperate for a nap!
Until then...