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I am tired and not feeling well.  I am having a scope today to try and figure out what is wrong.  I had gained soe weight back and was up to 240lb about 3 weeks ago.  Today I am at my lowest of 221.  I have lost almost 20lbs in the past 3 weeks. There is no alcohol, coffee, smoking, and almost no food.  I want to eat, drink, and have fun.  The smoking I can live without.  I am exercising almost every day, but it doesn't seem to be enough.  There are more than 20 pills a day between the stomach meds and the blood pressure meds.  I just want to know how to fix this and soon before it costs me a new position at work that would require relocating.  I can't be far from the doctor's until I know how to handle this.

It's been more than 2yrs since my surgery and I have kept off the weight for the most part, but I struggle with the same 10lbs up and down again and again.  I am basically starting over again on the program due to my not following the rules.  After 5yrs of not smoking I started up again on Christmas Eve and have been smoking for 9months since.  I quite on Wednesday so I am 4 days without smoking right now.  I started drinking awhile ago, just a drink here and there out with friends, but then it was more and more.  Honestly I was up to 2-3 large bottles of wine a week and a large bottle of vodka as well all by myself.  I didn't think it was a problem because it was aways at night or on the weekends and with friends or family.  I have not had a drink since the 19th and I don't really miss it until bed time.  I have trouble sleeping and it would just let me go to sleep without the tossing and turning or the obsessing all night.  I was eating out a lot with friends and family.  I travelled almost all summer and there were weeks when I was eating out 3 meals a day 7 days a week.  Small portions, but I know I was stretching my stomach.  I was up to 8 - 10 cups of coffee a day so I was drinking more coffee than water.  I have only had 1 cup of halfcaf coffee since the 19th and I am missing it.  I actually love the taste and smell of coffee, but I went overboard on it and now I have to stop.  Right now I am on a liquid diet and I have cheated several times on it, mainly when I feel like I am about to pass out I will have a cracker or some cheese, last night I had some cream of wheat and this morning some oatmeal, but then there are the times when I want to smoke and drink so I grab a piece of chocolate instead.  I think the chocolate is safer than the alcohol or the smoking.  So why am I doing this?  Because I was threw up blood on the 19th and that is not good.  I went back to the doctor and they put me back on all of my stomach meds again.  It is crazy the amount of medicine it takes to make me feel better.  I have tried to eat heavier things but they hurt and I generally throw them back up.  My stomach hurts a lot and I have to drink belly wash to keep the pain down.  Its a liquid cocktail of lidocaine and antacids.  I am sad and tired and really just want to cry a lot of the time.  I started exercising again and I know I need to keep on it this time because otherwise I will end up doing some other bad addiction.  I figure its better to obsess over exercising then the other things.  Work is ok, but not great.  I am doing something that I am good at, but I am not passionate about.  I do a good job, but I am not challenged as much as I would like to be.  I put in for another position within the company almost 2months ago and after 4 interviews I have not been told if I have the job or not.  It would be nice to know one way or the other.  I am single and lonely.  I have found that most of my friends from the past are no longer friends because we have nothing in common and have all gone our seperate ways.  I ove my son and have a good time with him.  Lately I have been too sick to really take him out, but hopefully I wil have more energy and feel better soon to really get up and moving with him. I'm depressed and and mad at myself for letting things get this bad.  I know better and yet I still did them.  Now its time to get things right again.  Time to get up and hop on the eliptical.  My goal is to get back to doing 45min on the eliptical in the morning (I am struggling for 30min now), walk 30 at lunch, and then 1hr of swimming after dinner (Right now I am at about 45 min).  That will be a little over 2hrs a day of movement and then just being active on the weekends.  Sitting at the desk all day is not very helpful most of the time.  So time to get back on it.  Hopefully end the year right and start next year with a bang.  We shall see!

The surgery did not do everything that I expected it to.  I guess I had this idea that with the weightloss things would get easier and in some ways they have, but not entirely.  The weight isn't coming off as easily as I thought it would, but I have become lazy, stressed, and found other things other than exercising to do.  I have lost and gained, but I am losing again so that is good.  I have lost almost 125lbs and I am down from a 26/28 to a size 16.  I have a good job at GMCR and things could always be much worse.  My son is 4yrs old and I am trying to keep him on a healthy diet so that he doesn't go thru the things I have.  At work there are severl other that have had similar surgeries and the results vary greatly.  Most of them have gained their weight back, but we support one another and try to keep things going.  The love life is still non existant, but I am learning to deal with it.  Hope to have better news next time I post.

It's been over a week and I haven't lost a single pound.  I've only lost 4 lbs in the past 22 days.  I have to watch more of what I eat and force myself to workout longer at the gym.  I'm not sure what is going on, but this doesn't seem to be working well enough for me.  I know I had a lot of rapid weighloss for a while, but now nothing.  I have to increase my gym time back up to 2 hrs.  I have been a little sluggish and onl been going for 1 hr and the results are obvious.  I hope this is nothing more than a stall and that the weight will come off again soon. 

I am having rouble going to the bathroom.  I am drinking prune juice and mixing in miralax and still nothing.  I have trouble eating solid foods.  Chicken hurts, I haven't tried red meat  yet.  Chili is ok, baked potatos work well.  Fish works very well.  I am going to have to watch my cravings and indulgences. 

On the work front, I am almost out of my current horrible job.  I have one pending job offer and another interview.  The companies are completely different in stle and products.  I'm not sure which would be better from a career standpoint.  I only have the one offer so far, but I haven't heard back yet with a definite answer.  I had to pass a physical and have a background check before the official offer can be made.  I'm hoping I passed he physical.  They wanted a release from my surgeon to be able to work.  The other job is just an interview with the compnay controller on Monday.  I told him I have the other offer and that I would have to know something soon.  I'm really screwed if I don't get either job.  I already gave my 2 weeks notice and they have hired a new girl to replace me.  I actually started to train her today.  I'm praying that everything works out well in the end. 

My ideal life is to meet someone that would be a great husband to me and a wonderful father to my son.  I would have a controller position within a medium to large company that provided a solid income for my family yet allowed for flexibility to spend time with my family as well.  I own my home and I recently finished school and finalized my divorce.  A new and good husband and a good stable job are the only two elements missing from my life.  I'm very greatful to God for everything that he has given me these past few years.  Leo and I are on our way.  Oh and I want to pass the CPA exam this year and lose the other 90lbs that I have to go.  Wish me luck!

This weekend did not go as well as I had planned.  It wasn't horrible, just blah.  I ate and I ate and I ate (you know within the limits of the pouch) and I feel like I pigged out like nothing before.  I've been stressed and hormonal and extremely lonely.  Today was the first time I haven't been to the gym in over a month.  There was no childcare so I didn't go.  I could have mowe the lawn, but instead I paid someone to do it.  What a rip off as well. I should have kept the guy from last year he did just as well and charged $20 less.  Oh well, live and learn.  I tried a new recipe the otherday for lasagna.  It didn't go well.  I used lowfat mozerella mixed with low fat riccotta, fresh spinach, whole grain noodles, and a sugar free sauce.  Well after only a few bites it felt heavy in the chest.  I'm not sure my lactose intolerance is gone either.  So I've been dumping ever since.  I think my biggest problem is that I let myself run out of my favorite protein drink.  The GNC chocolate flavored is what I normally do for breakfast.  Well I was out so I tried regular food and I just didn't stop.  It was a ittle bit here and a little bit there.  Then I tried using the GNC strawberry (its good if you like strawberry milk) and I mixed it with ice, a banana, and fat free milk.  Bad Idea!  It tasted great, but way to heavy for me.  Tomorrow I will be back on track.  Back to the gym, babysitters, and protein shakes.  Oh I did broil lobster tails this weekend as well...YUMMY!!!  I ate too much of the lobester as well.  At least 4oz in one sitting. 

So what brought this on?  I have some theories that are not great.  I found out this week that my now ex-husband as of 3 weeks ago had a nother child durring our marriage.  This shouldn't upset me at all really because we were seperated for 5yrs and I also had my son that is now 2.5yrs old.  The kid is in states custody and waiting to be adopted, they just need to try and find my ex before they terminate his rights.  Well, I just keep thinking of if I had known beofre hand I could have done something to help the baby.  As his wife I could have taken custody instead of it being put into state's custody.  I don't know the family the child is being placed with and from my experience adoption can be great or horrible but rarely anything in between.  My mom, 2 aunts, and cousin were all adopted and I've seen how it affects everyone involved.  My ex would have been a horrible father and if the kid is in state's custody then the mother couldn't have been that great anyways.  I would have liked the opportunity to share information with the family wanting to adopt the baby.  Tell them that not everything was always horrible about my ex.  He was good before he started using drugs.  He could be very sweet and caring.  Theat there are good family members out there that would have loved the baby had they known.  Nobody knew about it.  I'm not even sure if it is a boy or a girl, they couldn't give me the details.  I pray that the baby is in good hands.

This also gets me thinking about my own son.  I'm a single mom and I am trying to raise my son to be a good man.  There are rules and chores, but love and care as well.  Tonight I'm sure I'm not his favorite person because I made him go to bed for throwing a tantrum.  He's a good boy and I adore him.  I love him more than I love myself.  He's the reason I had surgery, went back to school, go to a job that I hate, he's the reason I keep going forward.  His dad is just as bad as my ex.  His dad doesn't drink or use drugs, he's just an idiot that is irresponsible.  He calls to check in maybe once every 6 months to a year.  Just enough to bother me and make my son miss him and want his daddy.  I wonder how I could have screwed this up as bad as I did.  I just want to be the best mom possible.

This weekend was an emotional rollercoaster.  Tomorrow will be better.

Ok, this is going to be my whine fest right now.  I'm not happy, I'm depressed, I hate my job, I have no love life, and my pouch doesn't seem to really only be able to only hold 2 oz of food.  I don't think the surgery is actually working well at all because I can eat and eat and eat and not feel hungery or full, or satisfied.  It might just be my period that should have been here already but its not because it always comes whenever unlike others who get it on schedule every month.  I was able to eat 6 shrimp today and I feel fine.  No pain no nothing.  I should have stopped after just 3, but they tasted so good and they went down so easily that I jut kept on going.  I had an interview today for a new job.  I hope I get it because I really want out of where I'm at.  I only get pd for 32hrs / week ,yet I always work over and then this week I'm working 40hrs and get yelled at for leaving work 15min after what I should have and coming in 15min early today, why, simply because I supposedly should have gone home and continued to work from home through remote access.  Seriously?  I haven't had a pay raise in over a year.  They promised to pay my testing fees ($978 worth) and they haven't, I got greif over the surgery, even though I carried my blackberry to the hospital with me and was answering e-mails as soon as the anastesia wore off.  I just hate actually having to come here and work for these people.  There is no encouragement for anything around here.  I really just need to be in a different envirnment.  Leo keeps asking for his daddy and how do you tell a 2yr old that daddy doesn't want to be there?  You can't and so I say daddy is at work or away and that just isn't helpful either.  Today is just a bad day.  I want to go home to this morning when Leo was in my arms being sweet and just be a doting mom.  Instead I'm at work, not getting paid which is making me not want to be productive which is why I am writing on here.  I've lost 72lbs now since January and I'm still not really showing the loss.  People say they can see a difference and some of my clothes don't fit as well as before, but I thought 70lbs would have a bigger impact than what it has.  I thought it would make a bigger difference in how clothes fit.  I just wish things would go a little faster.  I just have this idea of what my life should be like and I know how hard I'm working towards getting there, it just doesn't seem to be coming fast enough.  I'm still on medicaid and I don't want to be.  I still have food stamps and I want to be able to afford to support my son without them  This is ridiculous and I think that life should be better than this.  Now all I need is a supportive, loving husband that has a job and also a better paying job for myself and things will start to work themselves out, I think.  Who knows, it could just be the pms getting to me, or wishful thinking.  I don't know why I thought things would start getting better.  Like I said this was a 100% whine fest!

So today marks 21 days since surgery and overall it's not too bad.  I've been losing weight steadily and most of my clothes are falling off of me.  I'm running out of things to wear for work, which is a good and bad thing.  Work is extremely casual and I will have to start wearing dresses to have something to wear.  I wish I had budgeted my money a little better for clothes.  Lesson learned.  I know this is a process and that I do weigh about the same now as when I was married 5 yrs ago.  Meaning this is my lowest weight since then.  The divorce will be finalized in 3 days and it's strange knowing that it's coming to an end.  We haven't been together for 4 years, but I don't hate him.  There were some things that were sweet about him, just not enough to erase the bad.  It's another part of my life coming to an end.  Leo went around last night asking where his dad was and saying "that not my daddy.  Mommy where my daddy?  I miss my daddy".  I know he doesn't understand that his dad isn't responsible and will never stick around, and he's only 2yrs old.  He sees other kids with their dads and he wants the same.  I miss having someone around as well.  I want someone there with us.  I'm hoping that things begin to turn around. 

Sothings are not going as well as I thought (hoped) they would.  They are not going horribly either.  I have had most of my pain in the left side aroung the area where the drain was.  I ran out of pain medication, and that was uncomfortable.  I also did something foolish and I know beter, but I was just trying to see how bad it could be.  I ate a bite of Leo's chocolate pudding, the non-sugar free kind.  It actually tasted really bad, but I thought I would see what happened.  Well I dumped for the 1st time and it wasn't bad.  Of course I have had dumping issues my entire life before surgery with the IBS and lactose intolerance combo, so this was nothing compared to that.  I amvery tired and I'm not liking being back to work already.  I should have planned this a little better, maybe at Christmas time when I would have had 2 pd holidays back to back and then the xtra time off wouldn't seem so bad.  But then again I wouldn't be to the size I want to be by then and I may not have my ins at Christmas time, so better now than never.  I miss holding Leo and my temper is a little short with him.  It's not his fault he's 2 and acting like it.  I need to get him outside a little more, I've just not been up to it.  I love him so much.  Outhane invited us over Wed to teach me how to cook.  I've asked for almost 10yrs now and he waits until the week after my wls surgery to start.  He drives me crazy!

Ok, so today was rough.  I don't like long classes to begin with and having an 8 hr class was impossible.  I fell asleep, lunged over, went to the bathroom, anything I could to get the pain to stop.  I can only sit up for short periods of time before I am in pain.  Tonight will be my first night alone with Leo which should be interesting.  Hopefully he will go to bed without too many issues.  I think I am experiencing head hunger because I want food, but I don't feel like I'm starving.  the brohs are not bad if you add boullion powder to them which also helps mask the taste of the protein powders.  I am tired, but sporadically, not the entire time.  Tomorrow I will try and take Leo out to the park, but I'm not sure how well it will work on my own.  I have to figure it out sometime.  I can't wait to be healthy enough to do everything with him.  He is being very sweet and tries to kiss all of mommy's boo-boos.  He is a truly good little boy and that is encouraging.  He was out with Iris and Adrian today and they ran into his dad.  Ramon didn't even bother to say hello to him.  He said hi o Adrian and then walked away.  I can't believe I was ever with someone like that.  I am determined never to be with another loser like that again.  I almost started that way a few months ago and I went on a few dates with two different guys.  Both were only looking for sex and I discontinued them within a few weeks.  Before they would have gone on forever.  I started to mess up, but I cought myself and I'm jus not going to do it anymore.  If the guy doesn't go to church on a regular basis, have a professional career, own his home and car, and relatively debt free, also no smoking and only a casual drinker then I don't want anything to do with him.  I want a man that is going to lead Leo and me in a christian lifestyle, not some imature brat that I have to take care of.  Well that my rant for tonight.  Overall things are ok.  I will start my job search in about 2 week more heavily and make sure I have a way out of my current situation.     

I am writing this quickly before I get on the elliptical.  STOP BEING SO LAZY!!!!  Get on the machine and do the workouts everyday!!!  Stop make compromises and rationalizing the cheating on the liquid diet.  Get back on track, get the job, and lose the weight.  Leo needs his mommy!  Now get to it!!!