Starting over again

Sep 30, 2012

It's been more than 2yrs since my surgery and I have kept off the weight for the most part, but I struggle with the same 10lbs up and down again and again.  I am basically starting over again on the program due to my not following the rules.  After 5yrs of not smoking I started up again on Christmas Eve and have been smoking for 9months since.  I quite on Wednesday so I am 4 days without smoking right now.  I started drinking awhile ago, just a drink here and there out with friends, but then it was more and more.  Honestly I was up to 2-3 large bottles of wine a week and a large bottle of vodka as well all by myself.  I didn't think it was a problem because it was aways at night or on the weekends and with friends or family.  I have not had a drink since the 19th and I don't really miss it until bed time.  I have trouble sleeping and it would just let me go to sleep without the tossing and turning or the obsessing all night.  I was eating out a lot with friends and family.  I travelled almost all summer and there were weeks when I was eating out 3 meals a day 7 days a week.  Small portions, but I know I was stretching my stomach.  I was up to 8 - 10 cups of coffee a day so I was drinking more coffee than water.  I have only had 1 cup of halfcaf coffee since the 19th and I am missing it.  I actually love the taste and smell of coffee, but I went overboard on it and now I have to stop.  Right now I am on a liquid diet and I have cheated several times on it, mainly when I feel like I am about to pass out I will have a cracker or some cheese, last night I had some cream of wheat and this morning some oatmeal, but then there are the times when I want to smoke and drink so I grab a piece of chocolate instead.  I think the chocolate is safer than the alcohol or the smoking.  So why am I doing this?  Because I was threw up blood on the 19th and that is not good.  I went back to the doctor and they put me back on all of my stomach meds again.  It is crazy the amount of medicine it takes to make me feel better.  I have tried to eat heavier things but they hurt and I generally throw them back up.  My stomach hurts a lot and I have to drink belly wash to keep the pain down.  Its a liquid cocktail of lidocaine and antacids.  I am sad and tired and really just want to cry a lot of the time.  I started exercising again and I know I need to keep on it this time because otherwise I will end up doing some other bad addiction.  I figure its better to obsess over exercising then the other things.  Work is ok, but not great.  I am doing something that I am good at, but I am not passionate about.  I do a good job, but I am not challenged as much as I would like to be.  I put in for another position within the company almost 2months ago and after 4 interviews I have not been told if I have the job or not.  It would be nice to know one way or the other.  I am single and lonely.  I have found that most of my friends from the past are no longer friends because we have nothing in common and have all gone our seperate ways.  I ove my son and have a good time with him.  Lately I have been too sick to really take him out, but hopefully I wil have more energy and feel better soon to really get up and moving with him. I'm depressed and and mad at myself for letting things get this bad.  I know better and yet I still did them.  Now its time to get things right again.  Time to get up and hop on the eliptical.  My goal is to get back to doing 45min on the eliptical in the morning (I am struggling for 30min now), walk 30 at lunch, and then 1hr of swimming after dinner (Right now I am at about 45 min).  That will be a little over 2hrs a day of movement and then just being active on the weekends.  Sitting at the desk all day is not very helpful most of the time.  So time to get back on it.  Hopefully end the year right and start next year with a bang.  We shall see!

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