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Today is the 1st day of my liquid diet.  Technically I don't have to begin until the 12th, but I want to get all of my uneasiness out of the way now.  If I am going to screw up I want to do it now and not later.  I did eat a lot of food this past weekend.  I actually gained 4lbs, the 1st time I've gained in forever.  I figure it was time to say goodbye to food.  It was the weekend and a holiday.  I went and bought junk food, cakes, cookies, twizzlers, ect. I ate a hamburger, macaroni salad, and drank 3 dark beers.  I know I shouldn't have done it and I actually feel absolutely horrible.  I want to be prepared.  Surgery is in 21 days and I am starting to get a little nervous, but I also have this weird calmness about it as well.  It is really going to happen.  I am excited and ready.  I am kind of hungry right now, but there is sf jello cooling in the refrigerator and sf popcicles in the freezer.  It's not been too bad so far. 

Ok, so I called this morning and the INS said the case was still pending.  This afternoon, I have a call and it has been approved.  I will be having my surgery in 25 days!! Its like counting down the 25 days of Christmas or something.  I've waited so long now for this and I just want everything to go well.  I am ready to have that life altering experience.  I know its not going to magically come off all at once but I have been working really hard at losing and now it is going to happen.  I am going to be able to run around with Leo and play and be there for all of his events.  I just thank God for letting this come together.

I had my 6th month appointment this week.  I can't believe it's already here.  We submitted to insurance and now we just wait.  I graduated yesterday with my Master's and I will be celebrating in a few hours.  We took a really late nap today and Leo is wired.  Never let a 2yr old sleep at 6pm.  I also heard back from the attorney about my divorce and we should be able to submit final paper work in two weeks.  I have lost 19 lbs since my last appointment.  That's almost 5 lbs / week and I haven't even had surgery yet.  The really sad thing is this is still more than what I weighed after I had Leo.  I want to be down to 300 before surgery.  My Current weight is 323lbs.  My PCP's scale only goes to 350lbs and so we never new the exact weight when I started to try losing weight, but if we start counting at the 350lbs, I've lost 27lbs in 6 months.  I seem to be at a plateau and I need to move under the 320 mark.  It's just hovering for the past week.  This weekend was the last Satuday for the regulation segment on the Becker review.  It went well, but I still have trouble  staying awake for 8 hour lectures.  I finsihed school last week and have an A as my final grade.  Paper was 55pgs long.  I've had a professional resume written and I should have that on Monday or Tuesday to start the job search.  If the company where I work doesn't make a big sale soon, they are going to close in the next 45 to 60 days.  I really wan the surgery before that happens, especially since I have 2 weeks of paid vacation saved up and have been planning n using 1 for the surgery and one in case of a complication.  It would suck to not to get to use the time.  Everything will work out the way God wants it to, I just hope it's what I want too.  Overall things are not bad.  I am a little behind at work, but with everyone else taking their vacations and trips, it's been difficult to keep on track with my work.  Focus has been a little difficult, but I am working on it.  I am very close to having things put together for the first time in my life.  I want to make sure that I do not self sabatoge things as well.  I will post again when I here something back.  Hopefully in the next week or two.

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to crawl back into bed and never get out again.  I had my 2yr old Leo with me.  First we took the dog to the vet ($450 yikes).  The dog behaved better than my son.  Then I was supposed to have my crown fixed, but my friend flaked on me and didn't even bother to call and say she couldn't watch Leo for me.  I could have made other arrangements, so there went that appointment.  It is now rescheduled for 2 weeks from today.  So I went into the office to create 1 invoice and ended up staying for an hour (with my cranky 2yr old).  Then it was nap time which only lasted an hour.  Then off to my appointment with the weightloss center.  Ofcourse in trying to remember my new insurance information I forgot my food journal.  I had to weigh in and of course it is the first day of my period and you know I was retaining extra water weight, so even though up through this past weekend I had lost 5lbs, it only showed 1 on the scale (which sucks).  Lynn was very nice and also excited that I had changed my insurance.  I should be able to have my surgery in July!!!  I can't wait!  That will give me a few month to really lose some weight before Christmas.  I so want to not be embarassed to take pictures with Leo.  I want to lose the weight before he is old enough to remember his 6ft, 350lb mom that was always too tired to play.  I also had my appointment at church, I'm going through the membership process.  Leo needs a good church to grow up in and I believe God has shown me where we should be.  It just feels right for the first time in a very long time.  I'm nervous about what it will be like not to want to hide myself. 

I'm smart, but people assume that I'm an idiot because of my size and some of the situations I have been in.  I'm not stupid, I've just been beated down so hard for so long that my perspectives are not the same as others.  I always feel like I have to prove something to everyone and really most people are just not worth it in the end.  I'm tired and cranky, but I cant sleep.  I started the phenterimine today and it has me jittery. 

This is my year and I just have to tay focussed. 
Graduation
Divorce
Surgery
CPA exam
Church memebership

Today was my appointment with the surgeon.  It was a good talk.  I have now decided to go with RNY.  I was looking at the sleeve, but it is not covered by insurance.  I've lost 2 more pounds but its still disapointing.  I have to get control of my self control.  I still eat out all of the time.  My choices are better, but not great.  I've completely cut out McDonalds.  Next off the list is Taco Bell and Subway.  For some reason I have it in my head that they have healtier choices and they really don't they just have better advertising. 

I have started dating again and it's not been going well.  The guys have been a little better than before, but they still have some of the same traits as before.  At least I'm finding the ques faster, before things get serious.  I'm worth more and deserve more than what they are offering.  I'm ready for a better me all over, not just physically but mentally, socially, and sprititually. 

I hate my job.  I hate going to work everyday for the people that I work for.  If you tell them you are over worked and need help they ignore you, they critique everything you say and do.  My one boss calls me inapropriate names and makes horrific comments.  I finally had to report him, but he does own the company and it just made him more of a jerk.  The reason that I stay is that I need to be able to keep my insurance until I graduate in 4 months which is about when I will have the surgery.  That little piece of paper makes a huge income difference and make me much more employable.  Plus I have 2 weeks paid vacation saved up for when I do have the surgery so I won't be without a check.  I keep trying to look on the brght side of things, but it is imposible when your boss tells everyone you have a 1-800 direct line to party.  Seriously, I've gained 50lbs in the past 1.5yrs because I stay at home with my son everynight.  I haven't had a date since I was pregnant and my son is now 2yrs old.  After a lifetime of abuse I am really tired on the crap that people dish out.  When you call him on it he replies "that's the way God made me so get over it and deal with it".  Last time I checked, Jesus didn't go around calling females by names that can not be written on a public blog.  I really want to get up and quit, but then I keep thinking its only a few more months and then I can tell them to take the job and you know what.  In the meantime I am going to continue praying that I do not lose my cool and tell them what I actually think about them.  When I get really upset I tend to eat more, I really am trying not to fall into that bad habbit right now.

Well back to work.  I had to take a moment to let off some steam.

So I am still about 4 months away from even submitting my paper work for insurance approval.  I have gone through the phsych evaluation and I don't have to go back for therapy.  All of the inicial blood work has been completed.  I do have 2 sleep apnea tests scheduled for the next two Mondays.  I am trying to stay on top of things right now.  Dr. Mancini's group has very strict guidelines to follow and steps to take.  There is no gaining any weight between now and the surgery or they make you start the process all over again.  So far I have lost only 1 lb.  That is so depressing, but I am going to work at it.  I ade a big purchase last week, an ellptical, that is supposed to be delivered this week.  I am very excited about it.  I love using the elliptical more than any other machine, and the past two years I have not been to the gym more than 1 or 2 times.  I just don't have anyone to watch Leo while I go and we have so little time together in the evenings that I don't want to put him in another daycare.  So I decided to take away the excuses and bring the gym to me.  My personal goal is to lose 10% of the excess body weight before the surgery.  A lot of insurances require this, but ine doesn't.  Still I want to work on it.  Basically I want to lose 20 lbs before I go under the knife. 

I don't want to give up or fall into some of my old habits that have cause me to be 30yrs old and weight 350 lbs.  I was outside playing with my son and I was tired after only 30 minutes.  He was wanting to play and run around like a normal kid, but instead I had to go and take a nap.  I used to have a lot more energy than that and I want to get back to those days.  I'm hoping at least a few hours a week with active movement and drinking more protein drinks will help me get to where I need to be. 

One of the biggest challanges that I will face is the eating out all of the time.  I honestly eat out 10 to 12 times a week between breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  It is just me and Leo, who is 2 yrs old and his favorite saying is mommy no likey that when I give hime soething to eat.  Basically I eat by myself, unless I can convince someone to go out for a meal.  I am getting better about the eating out at work and I took in some lunch meat, swiss cheese, and bagel thins (100 calories for the whole bagel).  I froze the bagel thins because if you stick room temp bread in he micro it gets soft in a few seconds, but it takes the meat and cheese longer to heat.  Therefore you can heat the frozen bagel thin in the same amount as the reast of the ingredients. 

There is a friend of my parents from church that has had wls.  I didn't recognize her any more, she looks like a completely different person.  I spoke with her yesterday and told her I am having the surgery and  Iwould love to sit down and talk with her about her experiences.  She took my number and promised to call next week.  I am excited to know what its really been like for someone I know.  

So in 4 months I should be graduating with my master's, finalizing my divorce, studying for the CPA exam, and having wls.  Wow!  That makes a whole new me.  I hardly talk about my faith because I think a lot of people are fake about it and everyone has their own beliefs, but I do trust that God has a plan for me and I am hoping that with everything going on this year, I don't lose sight of the importance of thanking Him for everything he has given me.

Goodnight! 

Today is the day that I'm starting this process.  I have thought about it before, but never acted on it.  I have done the research, talked to people, made arrangements for family and friend support, but I officially met with the PA at the Dr's office.  Her name is Lynn and she was great. 

Who am I?  My name is Christina and I live in Knoxville, TN.  I'm a single mom of an almost 2yr old boy Leonardo.  I am working to turn my life around and with God's help I have come a long way in the past few years, with some bumps here and there.  In the past three years I've quit smoking, had a baby, bought a house, went back to school for my master's degree, filed for divorce, started a new career, preparing for the CPA exam along with the regular things that go with life.  The next step is to take control of my health.

Just like almost everyone else I have not been successful with weightloss in the past. None of the programs worked.  I would lose up to 40 or 50 lbs and then a few months later they would be right back.  The least amount I've weighed since 9th grade is 240lbs and the most is where I am right now at 350 (same weight as the day I gave birth to my son).  I'm not happy, I'm tired all of the time, and it has to stop.

My goal is to eventually only weight about 165 - 175lbs.  I have several goals to acheive this.  The first is to have the surgery approved by insurance, because it is completely out of my budget.  The second is to watch what I eat (not just watch it go into my mouth).  The third is exercise.  I received a Wii for my 30th birthday two weeks ago and I'm enjoying it.  I am waiting for the Wii fit plus board to be in-stock to be able to use the fitness workouts that I was given.  

I need to teach my son a healthy lifestyle by my actions, not my words.  Pray for us!  Thank you!