Cakes

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When I saw the Obesity Help conference was coming to a town 2 hours away, I decided to click back on the site... after more than three years.  Yes, I have gained, yes, it has been a roller coaster ride, yes, I wish I could have kept the weight off, yes, yes, yes.  I started reading some of my old friend blogs and they have not been on for years.  I found a few who posted about a year ago.  In October, it will be six years.  I have not gained it all back, but enuff that I would go through surgery again. lol.  Yes, I would do it or anothe surgery, if I thought I could lose more weight.  My doctor after a whole week of test, said you are that one on the million  - you body wants to be fat and no matter what we are doing, you metabolism slows down.  I was working with a nutritionist - doing what I was told, and going to the gym at least five times a day, swimming, bike, treadmill. Yet, I continued to gain. I cried hysterically and told him I would rather be dead than fat again.  As I write, I have come to love myself, regardless of my size.  I am not back to my original weight, but a far cry from the weight I had lost.  Know what I found out, people react more to how I present myself, than the self I present. If you carry yourself like you are beautiful, people treat you like you are beautiful.  I cannot lie, when I experienced the greatest loss, I was happier than I had been in years, I loved how I looked and felt.  I was almost arrogant with it.  God has a way of putting you in your place.  But, I tell you this, coming back to Obesity help, it feels like coming home.   Cakes

Since my last log in I have joined a small group of "Biggest Losers".  Lost 7 pounds, gained 10.  I was doing Zumba at work followed by the gym.  No longer doing Zumba, still going to the gym.  I tried to get my doctor's office to let me get the protein drink I had before surgery. Resounding NO!.  Was going to order Medifast off line.  Expensive!  Then, someone pointed me towards juicing.  I may not even be doing it correctly, but I know this... I have lost the 10 pounds I gained back and 3 more. There are two ladies on my job who have joined my gym and we compare notes and work to support each other.   All this sounds too familiar... too pre - surgery.  
 
It is a never ending battle and when told, a never ending story... but I vowed then as I vow now. "NEVER AGAIN".  I am encouraged by the many who started out with or soon after me who continue on the road to success, who beat the odds, no never gave up - who continue to offer words of support.  So, I remain steadfast and determined. 

I went back and looked at all of my old pictures, especially the one that was the day I came home from the hospital.  Such a time, so much pain, so many tears, so much self hate.   O>M>G>  Now this time the tears did fall.  I thank you Father God, that you have sent an alarm before I could ever get back to that place.  I thank you, thank you, thank you Father God. 

My goodness.  I was so overwhelmed to check in and see so many familiar faces and some of those faces where not so familiar because they were so slim.  OH used to be my absolute lifeline - without fail.  I just want to say that life is a struggle, but continue to fight the battle.  I got on the scales and realized it was me screamin'. At least I didn't dignify my weight gain with tears.   Can I please have a second surgery??  So, I am doing Zumba three to four times a week.  I leave there and go to the gym and get on the treadmill and bike.  Be happy when spring arrives so I can walk, walk, walk.  Again, so happy to see some of those smiling faces.  I'll be back. 

Well hello Obesity Help. 

Can't believe I have not posted since March 2011.  Yeah I can.  I also acknowlege that I had not been to the Gym since late February, and I am ashamed  to say, I don't know when I went to my last WLS doctor appointment.  This is a place where I chose not to lie to myself, so tell the truth and shame the devil. 

I have gained weight.  From the lowest weight, it is 31 pounds.  From the median weight - were I seemed to stabalie - I gained 24 pounds.  There were signs, but I ignored them.  I wouldn't even get on the scale.  I mean I was doing beer, chips, and candy.  I was obviously on a mission.  Then a couple of weeks ago, I received a text message from a friend.  "Cakes, last year I saw you and you looked like the Cakes from college, last week - not so much.  What you doing to yourself, baby.  We are getting older, we need to take care of ourselves.  Go back to what you was working, baby.  You can do it.  I am pulling for you"  I stared at that message for the longest time.  The next day, I refused to buy a six pack, my daily bag of chips (and I don't mean that puny 99 cent bag).  It took longer to give up the box of good and plenty.   I checked to ensure my  membership was up to date and I am back in the gym - no less than 35 minutes per visit.   When I asked some of my friends and family why they had not said anything (Of course you know I have to blame others for me not doing the right thing!).  The answer was they did not want to hurt my feelings and that I was way better than I was two years ago. 

O.M.G.  do you know how long it gonna takes to lose those 31 pounds? O.M.G.  I remember how long it took me before and after with WLS.  O.M.G.  Then I guess I'd better "Get 'er done". 

The last of February and beginning of March has been a blast.  I went to my college homecoming in Maryland; then to Charlotte to the CIAA Basketball Tournament.  I have been having a ball.   I have been having so much fun, I did not realize it has been a month since my last post.  I am still up and down with my weight.  But, I stay busy and I continue to watch what and how much I eat. In the meantime... as they say, time flys when you're having fun. 

I am energized.  I have been going to the gym almost every single day. (Sunday they are closed)  I am eating much better and except for popcorn now and again, I have done so much better resisting candy, cookies, ice cream, cakes - well you get the picture. 

The other day in the grocery store a candy display of large Paydays was calling my name.  Two for $two$.  A bargain any day of the week.  I was saying softly under my breath, "I will not buy candy, I will not buy candy." Well, just two and I will eat one today and one tomorrow.  I put them on the belt, reading the calorie count. 400 calories I cried out loud.  The lady in line in front of me turned to me and said, "Put that back right this minute. You don't need that candy."  I looked at her in disbelief, thinking maybe I knew her from group.  Nope.  She looked me dead in my face and said... you will not buy that candy!  I smiled at her, thanked her and put the blasted Paydays back. 

I am energized.  I am encouraged.   I am on a mission and failure is not an option. I am losing again - weight and size.   "It takes a village". I am grateful to my OH friends and I am so grateful to that stranger. 

I have been avoiding the scale.  I used to weigh two and three times a day to see if my weight changed during certain times of the day. After I started gaining, I was afraid to get on the scale.  Since my last blog, I was more careful about what I put in my mouth. I will not lie to you or myself and say I have been good.  But, I have been better. I still eat larger portions than I should so the "Pouch Test" is definitely in my future.  But, again, I am afraid to find out I may have stretched my new friend.  I am back in the gym.  Usually after two weeks your body craves the exercise.  That is not happening here and it is a struggle, but I make myself go even if I only do 10 to 15 minutes. (Learned that from a personal trainer a lifetime ago - get through the door.

I decided to weigh and I am sure my neighbors heard my scream. I have lost. Truthfully, some of it was water weight, but I will take a pound loss whereever I can get em.  I have a ways to go to get back to previous 123 lost. But, I am determined.  I am committed.  I am pissed off because if were losing "new pounds" instead of regained pounds, I would probably finally be down below 200 pounds. 

I know, I know -  I am just sooooo ungrateful!

Went to Maryland and just barely survived Christmas. No I did not stick to my new WLS way of eating.  But, being there was an eye opener that I needed.  I watched the family pile on the plates and it made me mindful about what I put on my plate. (Didn't make me mindful - scared the hell out of me to see all the food that one human being can consume at one sitting).  What also helped is my Mom  - when she saw my plate. I thought I had a very sparing helping - but she said " You haven't stretched your stomach have you?  Seem like you are eating more and you seem to have gained some weight, especially in your stomach"  No one, and I mean no one can bring the hurt child out in your better than Mom. Everytime I reached for something to munch, my Mom said, Gee, do you eat like that at home?  Needless to say, I stopped reaching. 

OOOOOH, then the conversation turned to how big I had gotten before my WLS surgery and everyone in the house commented on how hugh I had gotten and gave comparisons to people living and dead.  I was horrified.  I said, why didn't anyone say anthing, they said we didn't want to hurt your feelings.  (Unlike what I was presently going through - laugh).   Wow!  I survived Christmas - I look forward to getting back on track for the New Year.  Bring it on 2011!

I keep taking so much for granted.  Move away from the food! I want to dump when I eat sugar, food with dangerously high empty carbs, and fat. I am not ready to wing this without the physical reminders. I confess that!  I WANT TO DUMP - I NEED THAT! 

i gained some weight.  Fear is a motivator.  I started back to the gym today after a month off. The scale scared me back there.  But, I sure wish the next time I eat something I am not supposed to that I would dump. And, another thing, there are friends around me who had to see that I gained weight.  Why didn't they say something??? Don't blame them girlfriend. This is on you.  Never again, Cakes. Do you hear me? Never again.  Get your crap together.  Get your mind right! You can do this.  One day at a time!  And with prayer.