Still Struggling with Bi-Polar

Mar 06, 2013

Last week we lost another member of our family (that makes 9 in less than 4 years).  Our beloved brother-in-law, who was only 39, died leaving a wife and 5 children, two of whom (3 and 5-yrears old) won’t even remember his twinkling smile and love of fishing.  I’m still devastated and was even more sadden by not being able to attend his service last weekend.  

Our house still hasn’t sold (there is no customer service in the Louisville area—and that extends to real estate agents) so we’re still stuck here in Louisville, Ky—thus the reason why we missed our brother-in-law’s funereal services.

My wonderful psychiatrist left his office and quit returning my phone calls leaving me without medication.  After it was clear that he was gone I tried to call other Dr.s in the area (including the ones that work in the office that I’d been going to for the last 2 years!) but couldn’t get seen for 4-6 months.  So I’ve been off meds for a while now.  It hasn’t really made a difference though, because the lithium and Welbutrin wasn’t working at all.  I didn’t really care for my old psy anyway; all he kept doing was upping my dosages of lithium…which never worked.  I was able to see a Dr. last night, though, and started a new medication: Saphris.  It made me really ill so I’m going to cut the dosage way back for tonight.

 I’ve been on so many medications throughout the years that I hold out little help that I’ll ever be free from this never-ending cycle of mental illness.  I don’t think I’ll ever be in control or even remotely stable.  I recognize those short-lived, wonderful periods of shimmering confidence and cheerful, Utopian bliss as just a mirage; a smoke screen my defective brain puffs out every once in a while when it gets tired of holding me in its death-grip of the Cimmerian agony called depression.  Those periods are devastatingly short and oh so deceptively wrapped in a pretty, pretty package of hope and normalcy.

I’ve often wondered, after the mania has left me, like a spurned lover, if that was how the real, the normal, people feel every day.  It’s no wonder, then, why so many people have happy, fulfilling lives and some even rise to greatness.  But I’m left to wallow in the putrid bile of my own melting brain.  How fair is that?  The gift I was given for just being born.  The gift that I did not earn nor deserve.  The gift of mental illness.

I’ve also gained 12 pounds over the last 4 months but with the help of my exhilarative fruit and veggie juices, soups and roasted dishes, I’m on my way back down.  I was never able to start that 6-week program from Dr. Hyman’s book that I was planning to.  It’s very cost prohibited and I started having stomach trouble when I added a huge amount of vitamins and herbal accompaniments.  I’m assuming it’s because of my surgery.  So I’m not even sure if someone who’s had weight loss surgery can do the program.  I’m disappointed because I had such high hopes about feeling better physically, but more importantly, for me, emotionally.  His plan in the book Ultramind Solution, (also in his other books) makes so much sense and I have read volumes that support his work so I really wanted to try it.  Unfortunately I’ll have to find tummy-friendly sources for the mega doses of vitamins and herbal supplements he “prescribes”.  Perhaps if I can find most of the vitamins in chewable form it will be easier for my body to accept.

Three months ago I finally went to my family Dr (since we don’t live near the surgeon who did my WLS) and had full blood work done since my surgery.  Most everything was okay but my vitamin D was pretty deficient.  Enough that my Dr. gave me a prescription for vitamin D.  However I was told that the prescription vitamin D is D2 which we can’t absorb so I just found a good D3 and have been taking it since then.  Regrettably, I haven’t noted a change in my depression, however.  I’m still faithfully taking it three times a week though, as Kentucky is so grey lacking in any sunshine at all.

Also, like so many other owners of big businesses who care naught for their hapless employee’s health and well-being, the rich, fat-cat owner of the dealership my husband works for suddenly announced at the end of the year that they were taking away our health insurance (it wasn’t real good, but it wasn’t too bad, either—an HMO) and replacing it with a health savings account with a huge deductible.  No questions asked or complaints heard, “god” has spoken and taken away! 

An HSA is great for young, healthy people who do not need or care to see a Dr. and aren’t taking any medications.  I believe they were created by the administration for low income people whos employers wouldn’t be able to offer any insurance at all otherwise.  But in keeping with (this business owner who shall remain anonymous) tradition, like the loop-hole he found that allows him to get out of paying overtime to employees who work over 8 hours per day/40 per week, he found it financially fortuities for himself to take away something that was so needed by his employees.  I guess he needed a newer mansion or perhaps wanted to add more expensive “thoroughbreds” to this automotive collection.  I suppose that’s how the rich stay rich…yet another reason why I’ll never be rich...I have no knife for back stabbing....

However, as in many situations, shards of something good came out of the broken pieces of betrayal.  My husband was offered positions at a few other dealerships in the area and when his employer was presented with this information he was offered a substantial pay raise and a promotion!  So his raise covers the amount we have to put in the health “savings account” every week.   We still have the enormous deductible, but at least all the money we pay every month for my dr.’s visits and medication is tax free and goes towards the deductible.  We’re still learning how to use it, being so used to HMOs.

Meanwhile I ‘ve been following the Reboot with Joe program (for lack of a better title) found on the informative documentary “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” which can be viewed for free on Hulu.com and now also on Netflex.  He’s got a great website too; http://www.rebootwithjoe.com.  I’ve juiced on an off for years so I knew of the benefits even before I saw the documentary, but just how good, I wasn’t aware.  I highly recommend watching this video and perusing his website.  While juicing, it’s not recommended to take vitamins because you get them straight from the source (a much better way) so this is a tummy-friendly alternative to taking all those vitamins.  I started the 15 day re-boot (there’s a guide on the website) last week (it’s both eating fruits and veggies and juicing) and lost 3 pounds the first week.  This week it’s just juicing so I’m sure I’ll lose more.  My oldest daughter and I also started working out at a gym last week.  We’re both really excited about it.  I haven’t really worked out in years.  It has also helped my mental outlook for the past 4 days now.  We’ll see how long that lasts and if that Saphris works at all (of if I can even tolerate it).

Over the last 4 months I’ve been making it a priority to do as much research on what the writing/publishing industry is affectionately calling “indie publishing” or self-publishing.  I haven’t paid much attention to self-publishing over the years because it always carried a stigma about it, in fact it was called “vanity publishing” and was used only when a writer wasn’t good enough to get a publishing deal. 

Now, however, with the economy and modern technological advances, publishing houses are dwindling and new, unproven authors are almost never getting chances to traditionally publish their work.  So, born out of necessity, self-publishing has taken on a glamorous, rebellious glimmer and even well-known writers are turning indie.

So, while I’m not well enough to work or go to school and while we’re waiting for our house to sell so we can get back to California, I’ve been busy learning about indie publishing and the resulting necessity to self-promote, create a “brand” and an on-line presence.  I created Facebook, Twitter, Google + and other accounts and my daughter made me a website/blog site (that I haven’t used yet and I’m going to replace with a better one soon) to promote my first novel, “The Empress of Ventra” that I wrote many years ago but have done nothing with since.  It’s out right now with 3 beta readers and after that I’m going to send it to a freelance copy editor and get a cover design created (of course I’ll be save up for these serves for a while as they are pretty pricey) and then I plan on indie publishing with Amazon first and then with Barnes’s and Noble and others.  My second novel is already written but I’m still editing….ever editing!

I haven’t really been able to write for over 3 years, since this horrible depression has kept me crushed under its immense and unshakable weight.  I hope, as I have for 40+ years, that it will end soon and can get back to life and my sweet love—writing!

I guess that’s all for now.  We’re eagerly awaiting the birth of our 4th grandchild in a few weeks.  We know it’s a girl and she will be named Layla Lucile.  I love it.

0 comments

Healing from the Inside Out

Nov 13, 2012

Well it’s been almost four years from my surgery date and I’m still about halfway to my goal weight.  So much has happened over the last four years.  My husband and I have both lost so many people that we loved to the horrible thief known as death.  Losing grandparents, parents, a cousin, a brother and our beloved only grandchild had a devastating effect on us.  To complicate matters even more we lost our home and have been moving almost every year from one place to another. 

But with death there is also birth.  The birth of our second grandchild: Bryar Quinn.  When our daughter told us she was going to have another baby we knew he had to be close to them so we could be a big part of our grandchild’s life so we picked up and moved across the country to Louisville Kentucky.  I hated Louisville immediately (culture shock coming from suburban Southern California) but was instantly enthralled by our new grandson’s huge blue eyes when he arrived a few months later.  Little Bryar will be two-years-old Thursday and he is the apple of our eye.  He can even melt his strict ‘ol grandpa with just a look or a funny sound.

I’m now staring down 45 which I will reach in a few months.  It seems that life starts to make more sense in your 40s.  Over the past four years I’ve morphed into several different people:  I’ve gone from a quiet, obese, sad mother whose two daughters and newborn grandson had just left the nest; to a manic, mini skirt wearing, provocative thing that drank too much; to a stressed out college student who still drank too much; to a pathetic, emotionally crippled drunk. 

It seems I’ve come full circle.  Two months ago both my daughters and our new grandson moved back in with us.  My house is once again filled with the noise of my family!

Fortunately, over the last few months, I’ve slowly been able to pull myself out of the dark hole I was in.  Thankfully I have beat the drinking problem and have more or less kept my Bipolar in balance (not perfectly…I still haven’t found any medication that helps very much).  I’ve also lost the 30 pounds I had re-gained after surgery and my weight has been pretty stable over the summer.

I have always been very interested in nutrition and how it affects our minds and bodies.  If I wasn’t already working on two very different majors (and been any good with math…) I’d probably have wanted to become a chemist and researched how nutrition (or the lack of) affects our minds and bodies from the inside out.  I’ve read countless books on the subject of nutrition (of which I have forgotten almost everything…my memory is almost nonexistent) over the years. 

A lot of the books had contradictory messages but over the last year I’ve read a few books (and a documentary) that are in agreement with each other and seem to have the most common sense approach to eating and life style choices: eating an organic, whole foods diet of mostly fresh fruits and vegetables, with a some dairy and a little lean mean if you’d prefer. 

Of course this way of eating isn’t inexpensive.  Society has put quite a price tag on food that doesn’t come in a box, can, bag or other type of processed “food” container.  It seems that if the “food” has a label on it it’s guaranteed to be less expensive, the price going down proportionately as the list of crap that no one can pronounce gets longer, creating a cesspool that our society calls food.  Organic, whole food is a much superior way to nourish our minds and bodies, but society has made it difficult and expensive.

The book that I’m reading now is called “The UltraMind Solution” by Dr. Mark Hyman.  He writes about how important GOOD nutrition is to the smooth running of our brains.  I really had no idea just HOW important.  I knew a little bit but I’m learning so much by reading this book.  For the first time in my life I might be able to finally be rid of this Bipolar that has ruined my life and stolen my dreams.  To think that what you put in your mouth (or what you DON’T) can have that great of an effect on mental illness and/or cognitive abilities.

He has a 6-week plan that detoxes your mind and body and replenishes vital nutrients with correct doses of vitamins, (which, by the way, is a lot more than the government says we should be taking) shows you how to eat right, encourages you to exercise, and shows you how to meditate and relax and get more sleep.   All apart of healing your mind. 

So I’m excited about starting that.  Things are slow at my husband’s work right now and with the extra 3 people (well, 2 ½) in the house, money has been really, really tight—nonexistent, really—so we might not be able to start right away (my husband and one of our daughters is going to do the plan with me) which is very exciting!!!  Like I said, eating organic, whole foods is pricey.  But I’m confident that we’ll be able to start in the few weeks.  I really need to heal the source of all my problems—my defective brain that has given me the “wonderful gift” of Bipolar—and everything else, my weight, my memory loss and mental and physical sluggishness will finally be under control.

We put our house on the market Saturday so I’m hopefull we’ll sell before the new semester starts at my old college back in California in mid January.  I can’t wait to get out of Louisville and back in So Cali and back in school.  I’m sure not all of Kentucky is this bad, but boy do I hate Louisville.  But I said that already, right? *wink*

0 comments

Gaining the Weight Back!

Apr 11, 2012

Well I'm back up to about 255, up from about 220.  Three years ago only y 4 months after my RnY my beloved grandson died suddenly.  All of a sudden I because a heavy drinker.  After 4 1/2 months and the loss of about 58 pounds I stopped losing weight all together.  A year and a half ago my husband and picked up and moved to Kentucky to be with her in her last months of pregnancy.  17 months ago my new grandson was born.  I love him with all my heart but I've had a huge problem stopping drinking.  The last couple of months I have stopped drinking every day and cut it back down to maybe twice a month...but my weight is not going down and maybe even going up....We REALLY hate KY and we are planing on moving back to CA (with my daughter and grandson) this summer.  I'm desperate to start trying to get healy.  I am desprate to finally get this weight off.  I'm so depressed that this surgery hasn't worked.  :O(
0 comments

Still trying

Jun 16, 2009

Well I'm down 53 pounds since surgery..however I don't think only 53 pounds in almost 5 months is good.  :O(  Unfortunately I've had a little addiction transfer problem and in the last 3 months have been drinking way too much rum.  My husband and I have made the commitment to stop drinking though.  Today we start!  :O)  I'm also going to make a better effort to walk fast on my tread mill at least 30 min a day 5 days a week.  This process is a lot slower that I thought it would be...but, hey, I'm down 53 pounds!!!  I've gone from a size 26 to an 18.  I hope that by not drinking alcohol and exercising everyday, or almost everyday, that my weight loss will speed up.
7 comments

Some pics of my Last Supper, Before Photos, and at the Hospital

Jan 29, 2009

Well got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  Boy was I not prepared for all the PAIN (and I do mean PAIN) that I would have with the surgery.  I had never had surgery before so this was all new.  The second day (Tuesday Jan 27th, 2009) I was crying, having panic attacks and wondering what in the heck I did to myself.  I would have totally NOT had the surgery if I had known how bad the pain would be.  That being said, I AM A HUGE BABY and my threshold for pain is 0 (really).

Almost all the pain came from the gas and bloating INSIDE.  Gas-X did not work.  I've had 3 children, two of them totally natural, and I can say that this was about the same, if not worse than childbirth, it certainly lasted longer......  Nothing I could do would alleviate the pain.  I did get some pain meds every 6 hrs (Hydrocortazone) but it ran out way before I was due again.  No matter how I laid or sat or moved I could not stop the pain let alone get comfortable.  Sleeping.....forget about it!  I was in a beautiful private room with windows and a view and it wasn't too noisy, but the pain kept me from sleeping at all.  I got up and walked around as much as I could, but I felt like a truck ran over me so that wasn't more than twice a day.  I didn't really have any pain where my staples are.  But I will tell you it HURTS the next day after surgery. 

If you're a baby like me or just can't handle pain, chose the gym membership and Jenny Craig oveer surgery.  I'm not saying anything bad about the surgery or trying to dissuade anyone, but I think everyone should know about the huge PAIN factor.  Now that I got that out of the way.....

The next day it was a little better and I got to go home so I was happy about that.  We live way out in the country on the worse dirt road you'd ever seen so after a 45 min drive home, when we finally got to our dirt road my husband aired down the tires to 8 pounds (we have a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon) and proceeded up the horribly ruddy, holy, totally not maintained road.  We live like a mile or a mile and a half down the road so it took us like another 15 minutes, but my husband went very slow and we made it home without carnage.

Today (3 days after surgery)  and one day after coming home I'm doing about 80% better.  I'm not on any pain meds since Dr. Suh said that I should only use the pain med that sent me home with for pain at the incision sites, and if I used it for the pain of bloating and gas that it would just make it worse.  I still have some bloating and gas and some pain.  I've been doing dishes, laundry feeding my mother-in-law's Coi fish and quail and just cleaning up.  It seems to hurt less when I'm up doing things.

Burping and farting for me has been very hard.  My birps usually come out more like a gage or hiccup with hurts and trying to pass gas has left my staples sore (not really sure if it's the inside staples or the outside ones).  The first time I passed gas (the third day after surgery--yesterday)  my husband clapped and cheered....it was humbling to say the least....

I did weigh myself today and I'm down 10 POUNDS!!!  I was 284 at my last dr.s appointment on January 23rd and now, 7 days letter I'm 274!!!  YAY

I'll try and upload (if I can figure it out and my stupid satellite connections is fast enough) some Last Supper photos of my family and I at Macaroni Grill and my before pics that were taken the night before surgery (1/25/09).


Last Supper, 1-24-08 at The Macaroni Grill:
Richard & Melissa
Last Supper

Lobster Raviolli & Shrimp
Last supper

Desert


Before Pics, 1-25-09
Last Supper



Before Pics:
Before WLS 1-25-09

Before WLS 1-25-09


Before Surgery 1-25-09

At the Hosiptal:
In Hospital 1-27-09

In Hospital 1-27-09

In Hospital 1-28-09

Lunch, Ymmy! Lunch, Yum
0 comments

OMG, OMG, OMG

Jan 21, 2009

Yay!!  I got my surgery date and it's THIS Monday (Jan 26th, 2009)!!!  I was soooo not expecting that because I was told that I STILL needed three MORE tests and those last two "diet" classes that the Medical Group said I didn't need to finish, well they wanted me to finish them.  But...I got a call last night from my surgeon's office, ( Dr. Suh) and they said I could have surgery Monday!!!

I am SO excited and SO happy I can't believe I'm finally getting my surgery.  I've e-mailed and called all my friends to let them know.  I know, I'm over the top, but I can't help it.  I've been working towards this for almost a year now.  Finally the start of my life can begin!!!

2 comments

Still doing the diet classes

Sep 19, 2008

Well, as of September 19, 2008, I've still been unsuccessful in fighting these stupid diet classes.  I haven't really tried that hard, I guess. 

I've been busy with college, which is going great and I'm so happy that I'm blessed enough to go!  I'm really enjoying it and am proud of myself for actually being able to understand what's going in my classes after a 20 year break in my education. 

I've also just found out that come this spring I will be a GRANDMA.  Our 17 year old daughter is pregnant (yay, me and Sarah Palin have SOMETHING in common, at least). 

So I've been pretty distracted and not really up to fighting with my stupid primary physician’s medical group and try and get them to waive the last 2 months of these incredibly stupid and ineffective forced diet classes.

I'm still going back and forth between the sleeve (which isn't covered by my insurance) or the DS (which I will have to fight my insurance for since I'm not at a 50 BMI).  The sleeve seems perfect, but I'm afraid that my hunger will come back after 2 years (which is normal) and I will, again, have to fight my weight.  The DS would eliminate that possibility, but requires a lot of blood tests and vitamins after surgery.....so that's the trade of.  I get nervous when I start thinking about the fight that I'm going to have with my insurance company-either way-and I'm just not a fighter.  But I'm SO tired of being fat and unhealthy and not able to do normal things.  I'm going for it.  I'm going to change my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


About Me
Louisville, KY
Location
40.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/26/2009
Surgery Date
May 18, 2008
Member Since

Friends 39

Latest Blog 7
Still doing the diet classes

×