Calif_Princess
Still Struggling with Bi-Polar
Mar 06, 2013
Last week we lost another member of our family (that makes 9 in less than 4 years). Our beloved brother-in-law, who was only 39, died leaving a wife and 5 children, two of whom (3 and 5-yrears old) won’t even remember his twinkling smile and love of fishing. I’m still devastated and was even more sadden by not being able to attend his service last weekend.
Our house still hasn’t sold (there is no customer service in the Louisville area—and that extends to real estate agents) so we’re still stuck here in Louisville, Ky—thus the reason why we missed our brother-in-law’s funereal services.
My wonderful psychiatrist left his office and quit returning my phone calls leaving me without medication. After it was clear that he was gone I tried to call other Dr.s in the area (including the ones that work in the office that I’d been going to for the last 2 years!) but couldn’t get seen for 4-6 months. So I’ve been off meds for a while now. It hasn’t really made a difference though, because the lithium and Welbutrin wasn’t working at all. I didn’t really care for my old psy anyway; all he kept doing was upping my dosages of lithium…which never worked. I was able to see a Dr. last night, though, and started a new medication: Saphris. It made me really ill so I’m going to cut the dosage way back for tonight.
I’ve been on so many medications throughout the years that I hold out little help that I’ll ever be free from this never-ending cycle of mental illness. I don’t think I’ll ever be in control or even remotely stable. I recognize those short-lived, wonderful periods of shimmering confidence and cheerful, Utopian bliss as just a mirage; a smoke screen my defective brain puffs out every once in a while when it gets tired of holding me in its death-grip of the Cimmerian agony called depression. Those periods are devastatingly short and oh so deceptively wrapped in a pretty, pretty package of hope and normalcy.
I’ve often wondered, after the mania has left me, like a spurned lover, if that was how the real, the normal, people feel every day. It’s no wonder, then, why so many people have happy, fulfilling lives and some even rise to greatness. But I’m left to wallow in the putrid bile of my own melting brain. How fair is that? The gift I was given for just being born. The gift that I did not earn nor deserve. The gift of mental illness.
I’ve also gained 12 pounds over the last 4 months but with the help of my exhilarative fruit and veggie juices, soups and roasted dishes, I’m on my way back down. I was never able to start that 6-week program from Dr. Hyman’s book that I was planning to. It’s very cost prohibited and I started having stomach trouble when I added a huge amount of vitamins and herbal accompaniments. I’m assuming it’s because of my surgery. So I’m not even sure if someone who’s had weight loss surgery can do the program. I’m disappointed because I had such high hopes about feeling better physically, but more importantly, for me, emotionally. His plan in the book Ultramind Solution, (also in his other books) makes so much sense and I have read volumes that support his work so I really wanted to try it. Unfortunately I’ll have to find tummy-friendly sources for the mega doses of vitamins and herbal supplements he “prescribes”. Perhaps if I can find most of the vitamins in chewable form it will be easier for my body to accept.
Three months ago I finally went to my family Dr (since we don’t live near the surgeon who did my WLS) and had full blood work done since my surgery. Most everything was okay but my vitamin D was pretty deficient. Enough that my Dr. gave me a prescription for vitamin D. However I was told that the prescription vitamin D is D2 which we can’t absorb so I just found a good D3 and have been taking it since then. Regrettably, I haven’t noted a change in my depression, however. I’m still faithfully taking it three times a week though, as Kentucky is so grey lacking in any sunshine at all.
Also, like so many other owners of big businesses who care naught for their hapless employee’s health and well-being, the rich, fat-cat owner of the dealership my husband works for suddenly announced at the end of the year that they were taking away our health insurance (it wasn’t real good, but it wasn’t too bad, either—an HMO) and replacing it with a health savings account with a huge deductible. No questions asked or complaints heard, “god” has spoken and taken away!
An HSA is great for young, healthy people who do not need or care to see a Dr. and aren’t taking any medications. I believe they were created by the administration for low income people whos employers wouldn’t be able to offer any insurance at all otherwise. But in keeping with (this business owner who shall remain anonymous) tradition, like the loop-hole he found that allows him to get out of paying overtime to employees who work over 8 hours per day/40 per week, he found it financially fortuities for himself to take away something that was so needed by his employees. I guess he needed a newer mansion or perhaps wanted to add more expensive “thoroughbreds” to this automotive collection. I suppose that’s how the rich stay rich…yet another reason why I’ll never be rich...I have no knife for back stabbing....
However, as in many situations, shards of something good came out of the broken pieces of betrayal. My husband was offered positions at a few other dealerships in the area and when his employer was presented with this information he was offered a substantial pay raise and a promotion! So his raise covers the amount we have to put in the health “savings account” every week. We still have the enormous deductible, but at least all the money we pay every month for my dr.’s visits and medication is tax free and goes towards the deductible. We’re still learning how to use it, being so used to HMOs.
Meanwhile I ‘ve been following the Reboot with Joe program (for lack of a better title) found on the informative documentary “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” which can be viewed for free on Hulu.com and now also on Netflex. He’s got a great website too; http://www.rebootwithjoe.com. I’ve juiced on an off for years so I knew of the benefits even before I saw the documentary, but just how good, I wasn’t aware. I highly recommend watching this video and perusing his website. While juicing, it’s not recommended to take vitamins because you get them straight from the source (a much better way) so this is a tummy-friendly alternative to taking all those vitamins. I started the 15 day re-boot (there’s a guide on the website) last week (it’s both eating fruits and veggies and juicing) and lost 3 pounds the first week. This week it’s just juicing so I’m sure I’ll lose more. My oldest daughter and I also started working out at a gym last week. We’re both really excited about it. I haven’t really worked out in years. It has also helped my mental outlook for the past 4 days now. We’ll see how long that lasts and if that Saphris works at all (of if I can even tolerate it).
Over the last 4 months I’ve been making it a priority to do as much research on what the writing/publishing industry is affectionately calling “indie publishing” or self-publishing. I haven’t paid much attention to self-publishing over the years because it always carried a stigma about it, in fact it was called “vanity publishing” and was used only when a writer wasn’t good enough to get a publishing deal.
Now, however, with the economy and modern technological advances, publishing houses are dwindling and new, unproven authors are almost never getting chances to traditionally publish their work. So, born out of necessity, self-publishing has taken on a glamorous, rebellious glimmer and even well-known writers are turning indie.
So, while I’m not well enough to work or go to school and while we’re waiting for our house to sell so we can get back to California, I’ve been busy learning about indie publishing and the resulting necessity to self-promote, create a “brand” and an on-line presence. I created Facebook, Twitter, Google + and other accounts and my daughter made me a website/blog site (that I haven’t used yet and I’m going to replace with a better one soon) to promote my first novel, “The Empress of Ventra” that I wrote many years ago but have done nothing with since. It’s out right now with 3 beta readers and after that I’m going to send it to a freelance copy editor and get a cover design created (of course I’ll be save up for these serves for a while as they are pretty pricey) and then I plan on indie publishing with Amazon first and then with Barnes’s and Noble and others. My second novel is already written but I’m still editing….ever editing!
I haven’t really been able to write for over 3 years, since this horrible depression has kept me crushed under its immense and unshakable weight. I hope, as I have for 40+ years, that it will end soon and can get back to life and my sweet love—writing!
I guess that’s all for now. We’re eagerly awaiting the birth of our 4th grandchild in a few weeks. We know it’s a girl and she will be named Layla Lucile. I love it.
