Cali S.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

My husband  Brett went to see the doctor a few weeks ago.
We had an argument that we have fairly often about him not being motivated to do anything. He asked me if I thought it could be depression. I
I thought about it for a while and I really felt like he could be right. I have had depression and so has my mother and a few others that I know closely and so I understand what it is all about yet I never came to that conclusion about Brett. It makes us think that maybe it has been going on for a really long time and we both just thought it was normal behavior.
He is always tired and a little low but I just never thought anything of it.
The doctor put him on Prozac today. I am excited to see what is going to happen and what changes I will see in him. I know that I saw a big difference in my mother when she started to take medication a few years ago.



I was put on medication for Bi Polar disorder when I was 17 years old. I took it for a year. In that year, I felt completely empty. I felt like I had no soul, no emotions- nothing. I hated taking that medication but everyone saw a huge difference in my behavior so I stayed on it until i left to go to Arizona for school. I was a bit nervous about Brett going on any kind of medication for a mental problem because I had to go through that. Depression meds and bi polar meds are completely different. Bi polar medication has to pull you up sometimes but more often it has to pull you down too and with depression you only need help going up. I wonder sometimes if I would have been better off going on depression medication when i was 17- would that have made me feel better that whole year? I think it might have. Not that my diagnosis was wrong because I think it was right on but I definitely had both.

These days my disorder is very controlled-- almost non existent. I do have my moments-- just ask my husband but It is not something that I need medication for and even if I did, I would not take them. I think that my depression is under control as well. Every now and again I see bits of it back in my life but I think in general that I am ok. I want that for Brett. I really just want him to be the happiest person he can be and I know now that some of the things that I have been getting after him for are out of his control. And hopefully this medication will help that.

I am proud of him for making that decision to go see the doctor and to help himself. He did it for both of us. He is the most wonderful man that i know and he makes me happy. I love him with all my heart. I am fully supportive of him in everything he does and I hope he knows that. :)

I feel that he has been hard work for me the last month or two. It has taken the focus off of taking care of myself. I have gained more weight because of the stress and it has caused him not to work as hard to get me ready for my surgery. He knows I want it and he knows i desrve it and need it. He went back to the doctor this week and doubled his dose and I can finally see a change and I think we will be ok. Im not sure how this will effect the date of my surgery. We are still shooting for the end of April which is already a month laster then i wanted or planned for. This whole thing has definetly set me back but I just care about getting my husband well.

So I have been looking forward to my WLS and it is getting closer. I have only been able to tell a few people. My mom knows and my 2 sisters know and of course my husband. Also I have told 2 of my friends. These friends also have weight issues and I told one because I really trust her and I told the other one to offer my support in her weight loss journey and I knwo she supports mine. My sister in law knows too but I told her not to tell my brother until after I have it done.

Other than that I am keeping my mouth shut. To get time off I have told my boss that I have to get surgery and left it at that. He knows about my PCOS problems and that I have had a lot of issues and doctor appointments and stuff so Im pretty sure he just figures that I have to have a cyst removed. Im fine with him thinking that. It is none of his business.

As far as my family goes, we are very open people and with the acception of one family are very supportive and loving to eachother. So I will have no problem telling them after I have the surgery done. I do not want anyone knowing before because I dont want people to worry about me and worry that I made the wrong choice because I know that I am doing the right thing for me. After the surgury I wont care if they know. It will probably even cause some of them to think about it for themselves.

My husbands family is another story. They are quite judgemental and I just dont know how they would ever take it especially because they do not know the extent of my weight struggles my whole life. They would just think that I was taking the easy way out or that Im lazy. So I will not be telling them at all. When the weight comes off they can think what they want. I know that they would never say anything to me.

So thats my take on telling people. If i feel comfortable I will tell but if I dont then its none of thier business. Its my life and my choice not anyone else's.

I'm having an ugly day. I hate days like this when I feel so incredibly unattractive. I blow dried my hair today and wore a cute shirt and still..... blah-ugly.

I'm sick of the way I am. I just want to cry all the time. There is just no way i can feel sexy in my body right now.... my poor husband. I know he thinks I'm sexy but I think he is big fat liar. -- No he is just trying to be nice I'm sure. I just cant wait till i am sexy- when i can feel sexy. Life will be better then... especially sex life.

I'm glad I have a husband who loves me no matter what- through literally thick and thin. (mostly thick) I'm lucky. Thanks baby for all the support you give me.

I'm getting anxious about my surgery, anxious and frustrated at the same time. Just not knowing when and not being able to count down or look forward to a specific time is killing me. I have to have a thousand dollars to put a deposit and get a date with Dr Joya. But I wont be able to pick a specific day until a week or so before I go do it because I dint know exactly when I will have the money together. It will all be really fast once it does happen.

I'm still hoping for March. But realistically it will probably be April or may... I hope not June but its also a possibility. My sister gets married in August. I want to have lost at least 50 lbs for her wedding. I will likely be able to do that if i have the surgery any of those months but the sooner i get it the skinnier I will be at her wedding-- Hopefully even skinnier then I was at my wedding-- (size14)

I realize that I will probably not get any smaller then a size 10-12. I was born to be curvy.. I have a larger bone structure. So I feel like a 10-12 will be the healthily size for me. but who knows... we will see. I haven't been that since I was in Jr high. I got down to a size 12-14 while I was playing college volleyball  but i still had a spare tire around me from all the beer i drank.

So that's my ugly day post... hopefully I wont have too many more of these... They come around way too often.

Wow-- it seems like I have been on the computer for the last week doing research and talking to people about the VSG surgery. Lately I have  taken a closer look into it. I have had concerns about having the RNY and I couldn't be completely at peace with that decision-- so I knew I had to open my options.
I was scared about the malabsorbsion and wondered if I would be sick for the rest of my life-- or just completely scared that whatever I ate would make me sick. Just a few different things didn't completely sit right with me.

I had looked into the VSG before-- not seriously but out of curiosity. I passed it up before for a couple of reasons-- plus I had never talked to anyone who had it done.. I was scared because I didn't know all the facts. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose all the weight I want and keep it off. I am fully committed to this and I know I can do it-- it is just something new so I had my doubts. I want this more than anything. I will make it all the way and be healthy for the rest of my life-- for me, for my husband, for my future children.

I sent emails to a few friends on OH and also posted a discussion in which I got some awesome insight about how the VSG is for people. I am very excited that I explored this option and I feel that it is the best option for me and my lifestyle.

Thank you so so much for all of the advise and insight you have given me... I feel at peace with this decision which feels weird at first... I am excited for the future and not scared.

My surgery is in the middle of March... I cant wait to start my new life.

I have been thinking about butterflies lately.. They are so beautiful. I wish I could be free like that. What I think is so amazing is that they live their life as a caterpillar-- nothing special- but when they are ready, they change their lives and never look back.
A complete start over- transformed into this new beautiful thing... changed forever for the good.
Its things like this that give me hope and faith.
This is a picture that my husband drew for me. He knows that I absolutely love butterflies. After my surgery is over I will put this picture as a tattoo on my ribs as a reminder that people can transform and start over.

JAN 8 2009

Brett and I talked last night and we were discussing March for my surgery... MARCH!!! that is so soon! Unfortunately he will not be able to come with me until I wait unless May....I dont want to do that. Even though I do want him there... I just cant wait any longer. I am ready to start my new life and be healthy... i cant schedule my surgery date until we are sure that we will have the money which is frustrating that I cant be counting down to a spesific date but it will come soon enough.

I spent a good while on the OH website today reading peoples profiles and looking at pictures of people that are post op and so happy. I cant wiat until I am a success story and I can be an inspiration to someone like those women are to me. I feel like I know exactly what I am doing because i am able to read these womens journals of thier struggles and successes.

2009 is going to be a great year for me-- i can just feel it!! I am so excited for whats to come.


DEC 10 2008
I went out with my cousin for lunch last week. I really want her to do the surgery with me. She has been overweight for all of her life and It is something that would really benifit her and her quality of life. We went to a meeting abotu the surgery last year-- this was when I really started to think about it for me for the first time. She said she really wanted to do it but then never really tryied to make it happen. I told her abotu the mexico thing-- of coaurse she was skeptical of it. She said that she wanted to be close to home if something were to happen. She also wants to do that Lap band which I think is the wrong move for her. I explained a few things abotu the band that had made me steer clear of that option. Plus she is the kind of person that will have to have plastics done when she is finished so it really doesnt matter how fast she looses the weight. I think her issue is the money. But there are ways to get that money.

My dream would be for me, her and our mothers to go to mexico together and for the 2 of us to have the surgery the same day and go through the journey together. I would love that. So, I told her to go on and research some more and we will see if she wants to do it.

I think that after I get my surgery done, that others will start to change thier minds. I think that if She decides not to do this with me that she will see the changes in me and rethink and regret her decision. I also think that my mom will think about doing it after she sees that changes. With her there is a problem. I knwo that if she decides not to do it with me that we will grow apart. She has never been one to be truly happy for me and my accomplishments -- especially when I do somehting tht she wants to have happen to herself. I jsut hope that it all works out.


NOV 20 2008
I talked to my mom about the surgery today. She went with me to my doctor appointment. He asked me if I wanted to try to get pregnant and I said no- that I wanted to wait for a year or so. She was confused because I have been trying to have a baby for almst 3 years. after, she asked me and I told her all about it. She seemed sceptical of the whole Mexico thing but so was I and so would anyone who has not fully researched it out. She is supportive. She thinks I should do the Lap Band but after all of the research I have done I knwo that the Bypass is the right fit for me. I have decided to not tell people abotu me having the surgery. It will only worry them and give people a reason to judge me.


NOV 11 2008
I have been on Metformin now for almost a month. I will go back to the doctor next week. Last month I was at my highest weight that I can ever remember being at. I was at 278 lbs. I havent weighed myself since then... due to humiliation. I have been on my latest diet/ restriction for a few months.. I have a slimfast shake for breakfast and lunch. I excersise sometimes but not really and I am still gaining weight. It makes me really sad. I have days where I feel huge and really depressed when I look at myself in the mirror. I feel embarrassed to go out. It is really sad for me.. I am not happy with my life right now.

I have emailed a few people from the testimonials on Dr Joyas website asking about their experiences. I also emailed Dr Joya asking how far in advance I have to book the surgery. He told me that If I had the deposit now, he could have me on a plane next week to have the surgery.

Brett and I talked about it and we really cant say for sure when we will have the money to do this but it is going to happen. Tenitivly we have said April which is do able for us... It makes me excited for the future. If I get it done in April, we will be able to try to have children the next April... which is great news.. and I will be healthy enough to do it. The whole thing makes me so happy and excited and I cant wait to start my journey towards the new me.