Kelly T.

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Ok, I've got my head back on straight and realize that everything I wrote about before really doesn't matter.  I'm not going to be homeless, my husband has a job and although I would have loved that baby with all of my heart, I know that it would have made our lives even more complicated.  By no means am I saying that I am happy that it happened - I'm just coming to terms with it and accepting that it wasn't meant to be a part of our lives just yet. 

So, I am wondering what is the point of all the things that we are going through.  Why the challenges and tests?  I know we all go through difficult times and I have realized that I have to be thankful for my family, friends, the health and happiness of my boys and so many other things.

What I want most is to be at home with my boys.  Honestly, it's not financially feasible but there are many things that we can sacrifice in order for that to happen.  I want to take/pick up the boys from school, help them with their homework, take them to practices for sports, make them after school snacks, help in the classroom....I can't do any of that right now but that is what my heart desires more than anything.  Is that why I am losing my job? 

Our house is just a house and we never unpacked everything.  We never fully moved in.  Maybe we both knew that it wasn't right and that there was another plan for us.  It would be wonderful if the banks came through with the assistance that so many people in our situation need but if not, oh well!  We will have a roof over our heads somehow.

I am truly amazed at the strength and support that we have found in our family and our friends.  I don't know what we would do without them....I believe that something great is coming and I am open to that opportunity.

Do you ever feel this way?  Like nothing is ever going to go right.  How in the hell am I supposed to stay positive when the world keeps kicking me?  I'm trying  I really, really am!  These last few years have almost been comical they have been so bad.  First I lost my job 5 months after surgery, loved being home but financially couldn't do it.  Then I got a job and things were looking up for about a minute.  Then we just couldn't make our house payment after the initial 3 year plan (crazy loan), hubby and I have been struggling although we love each other very much.  Found out I was pregnant then found that the baby had no heartbeat.  Just found out I am losing my job again because of the Ca budget.  Holy Crap!!!  How are we supposed to do this?  How am I supposed to keep the faith?

I am losing my job, home and lost my baby.  I just don't know how to stay strong!!!

A very interesting thing happened to me on Friday.  My period was 2 weeks late and I wasn't too worried because I've been under a lot of stress and thought I might be going back to my old cycles (whenever they decided to come).  I thought just to be sure I better do a pregnancy test.  I ran to the store during my break and came back to pee on the stick.  Guess what?  Nothing happened.  No lines - no nothing.  The test didn't work.  Fortunately, I bought a two pack so after waiting about 10 minutes I took that test and guess what?  Nothing, that one was defective too!  I'm feeling relieved but still want to know for sure.  I went back to the store, bought another 2 pack and took the test.  Within 6 seconds of peeing on the stick there were two lines on the test.  OMG - this can't be happening.  I took the other test about 15 minutes later with the same results.  I kept checking throughout the day and the test never changed - it was positive and I am pregnant!  My husband is having a hard time coming to terms with it but it's only been a few days and this was very unexpected.  Were we using anything?  Nope, shouldn't come as such a surprise then right?  I just didn't think that I could get pregnant.  Both of my boys were conceived through artificial insemination and were truly something I fought to have.  So I just wanted to give a warning to all of you out there - YES!  It can happen to you.  Be careful if it's not what you are "expecting".

It has been 18 months and I am feeling good.  I am working towards a goal and have only 6 pounds to go until I can say that I've lost more than I weigh.  I have been running and watching what I am eating and drinking my water like a good girl.  I have been through HE** the last year but I have to say I have finally found my confidence.  No matter what happens from here on out, I am in control of my life.  I will be strong and I will believe in myself.  I finally feel like a pretty girl that is worth knowing.  I have confidence in me and I like that feeling.  I don't ever want to be obese again and I know that I am in charge of my life and it's all up to me.

I went to my closet this morning looking for warm clothes.  Since I am smaller than last winter I don't have any clothes.  I came out wearing this shirt that is way too big for me.  I told my husband, "I had to get into my "BIG" clothes."  Ok, my big clothes are now size 10. 

How amazing is that?

I am doing very well.  I seem to have lots of ups and downs emotionally but life is overall good.  I am still running and I love it!  It's fun to run with my boys and actually keep up with them.  I have lost 106 pounds and now weigh around 129 pounds.  I'll take it!!!  I would love to have plastic surgery someday but right now it's not in the cards for me.

The other day my husband and I were playing and I was trying to push him over and he laughed at me and said you don't weigh anything, I can just pick you up.  WOW!
Can you believe that?  What an amazing feeling.

In May I ran my first marathon (5K) and I was so proud of myself for finishing.  I got off track for a little while but now I just love to run.  I wake up in the morning thinking about going for a run.  So I've decided I am going to train for a 1/2 marathon in February. 

It hurts but it feels so good.  I am finally sleeping really well at night and I find myself with more energy and a better outlook.  I think this is a big help in fighting depression for me.  It feels good to accomplish something and do something beneficial to my health.

Finally, I am taking care of me from the inside out.

I have a job!  I interviewed about 6 weeks ago and got a call last week that I was hired at Cal State.  It's pretty exciting.  I loved being home with the boys but I was getting pretty bored.  It worked out nicely in the sense that I was able to take them to their first day of school then start work the next day.

It's hard that I am making $1000 a month less and we were barely making it before but somehow life works itself out.  How did we make it 8 months with me not having a permanent job?  I have to believe in a higher power when a miracle happens.  I worked 2 nights a week at a restaurant and got unemployment (legally because I wasn't full-time) and actually made close to what I am going to bring home now.  AND... I got to be a stay at home mom for a while.  Not to mention I wasn't spending a fortune in gas.

So, on a weight loss note.  I have lost 107 pounds and I actually saw 128 pounds on my scale.  My goal was 130 but I could stand to see 120.  However, if I don't lose another ounce, I am thrilled!  I found a card that Steve and Luana had us fill out last summer with our goals on it,  know what?  I've achieved all of them that I wrote.  I am wearing a size 6, I fit into riding gear for my quad, I ran in a marathon and I went to Knotts this summer and felt great.  I wasn't embarrassed or uncomfortable at all.  What a feeling!!!! 

My goal is to now focus on being more active and more involved with my kids.  I'm still really uncomfortable with getting out and playing with them so that is my new goal.  I take great care of their needs but I want them to remember me playing with them.  They aren't going to look back and say, "Gee mom, you bought us great clothes".  They don't care about that stuff. 

So in closing, I am so grateful for this surgery and I plan to keep the new me that I have found underneath those 107 pounds.

Yesterday was my one year anniversary for Surgery.  What a year it has been.  Lots of stuff I expected and even more I didn't expect.  I expected this to be alot easier than it actually was.  Don't get me wrong, I have had no problems with the surgery and I am thankful for it everyday.  What I find difficult is that some times I continue to eat through my problems.  Alot of new people are thinking, "How can you do that?" but as the old timers know it's easy to fall back into the same old patterns if you don't get help and face the problems that caused the obesity in the first place.  I am working on that.  I don't want to be obese again.  I actually enjoy my life and for once I am comfortable in my own skin.  I can talk to people without feeling self conscious and I don't feel like I am getting stared at all the time.  My kids don't remember me being fat and my husband enjoys being with me alot more.  The truth is: I like myself and the person that I am when I am at a healthy weight.  I just have to slay the demons that confront me everyday and not fight them with food. 

Life does go on and it's not always easy.  However, I am now feeling better than ever.  It's not about the weight loss anymore, it's about living my life and working with the hand that I have been dealt.  I am still very, very thankful for this surgery.  Not only for the weight loss but for making me face everything that has been making me unhappy.  I am empowering myself and making me responsible for my happiness - not putting the blame on anyone else.

I ran a marathon (ok, it was a 5k) but I did it!  I have always wanted to and I don't believe my husband thought I would go through with it.  I did and I actually did pretty well.

I miss all of the friends that I have made on this site and wish you only the best in your journey.