2 Years Out!!

Jan 26, 2009


 

     It has been such a long time since I updated. I often find myself having an odd love/hate relationship with this website. At times I love it because I am able to get support from OH friends and get advice when I need it. Or sense I am 2 years out, I can lend my experiences and first-hand knowledge to others who are just beginning this journey. But more often than not I find myself hating this same website because of how I allow it to make me feel. I spend too much time comparing myself to others. Too often I found myself wondering why I didn’t lose as much weight as someone else or why I’m not a single digit size like the women who just posted her “THANK GOD I’M A SIZE 6” photo album. I spent too much time worrying about my weight loss ticker and how fast or slow I was losing weight. I realize that a lot of these feelings are self imposed, but it has still been a struggle for me. I find myself being this way in all aspects of my life. Too often I find myself reacting this way in many other aspects in my life. I spend way too much time comparing myself to others and focusing on what I have yet to accomplish. But again this is a trait I recognize in myself and I am trying hard as hell to overcome it.

     I can hardly believe I am 2 years out!! It just seems as if I just started this journey yesterday. A lot has happened in 2 years, many ups and downs. New relationships have blossomed, while old ones have withered and died. I am now in my 2nd year of graduate school. I had an extremely successful first year and I am looking forward to finishing my program (COME ON MAY 2010!!!). I recently got engaged over Christmas Eve. I was very surprised. I came into the relationship with my fiancé with so much baggage. I didn’t trust men, and I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved. However, he stuck with me and I am so grateful for it. We plan on having our wedding in either the summer of fall of 2010. We are currently severely broke….so we might have to push that date back a bit http://images.obesityhelp.com/_shared/images/smiley/msn/tongue2.gif.

      My appetite has increased, and it has been a struggle to remain active. However, every time I get down on myself of feel like I am going to fail, I always find a renewed sense of energy and motivation. I understand now that I can never stop starting over. It’s okay to make mistakes, I’m not perfect. As long as I stick to my eating plan and work out regularly, I’m going to be ok. I’m a success story no matter what

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                

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Enjoying the Walk Down the Street

May 18, 2008

Enjoying the Walk Down The Street
Current mood: awake




Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.

- Grant L. Miller, motivational guru
It's possible to be a little too focused. With blinders on, it becomes easy to completely live in our vision of where we will be in the future, while ignoring the improvements that we have made in the present.I am so guilty of this. Too often I am so focused on how things will be so much better when I finish school, reach my goal weight, move out of Michigan, get married, have children..etc. I feel like I have been living my life waiting for it to start. However the reality is I'm almost 27 years old. My life has already started. I need to learn to live the in moment. I need to appreciate what I have already accomplished. I am so focused on getting my Master's and moving out of Lansing that I realized I haven't even bothered to explore the city. I never been to any musuems, walk in any of the parks or even attend community events. I really haven't even made friends in the area. Starting from now on I am going to make more of an effort to live in the present moment. I am going to continue to set ambitious goals, but I am also going to enjoy the road to accomplishing those goals. Life is too short for me not to.
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School's Out For Summer!!!

May 14, 2008

      Well I finally finished my first year of graduate school. It was challenging but overall it was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. This experience really solidified for me that I made the right decision by going into social work. This upcoming school year I start my fieldwork and I will be working in a women’s shelter. I am extremely excited and I can’t wait to get started. Weight wise I stay in the high 160’s low 170’s. I usually go up or down 10lbs once a month or so. But for the most part my weight is stable. Currently, I don’t have a huge appetite and I am back to eating smaller portions. I work out about 3-4 times a week for about 45 minutes to an hour. I especially like segmented workout DVD’s where I can work out for 20-30 minutes in the morning and then do another 20-30 in the evening. I am still staying away from sugar, fried foods, and white bread.

    I am starting to get to the point where I can actually talk to people about having the surgery. For a time I attempted to keep it a secret as if it was something to be ashamed of. But now if people ask or if it comes up in conversation I talk about the fact that I have had gastric bypass.

    After a long trail and error period of dating, I finally found a nice man that I am absolutely nuts about. I can’t believe I have my first boyfriend at the age of 27. Well I guess it’s better late than never. My BF and I went to the same high school, however he was in the class ahead of me and we didn’t know one another. Oddly enough in high school I had a crush on his best friend and I wrote extensively about him in my diary. Years later, he sees me on Myspace. He didn’t recognize me at all. So after chatting online for a while he asked me out. We have been seeing each other now for 3 months. In the beginning I think I held on to bitter feelings of “Well why do you like me now if you didn’t like me high school?” but I also had to realize I didn’t like him in high school either. And we are different people now. Things change, and I am grateful to have reunited with him again at this time in my life and I am looking forward to seeing where this is going to go.

Over a Year Out :)

Feb 21, 2008

So I’ve been in hiding from several months. Hiding from OH.com, hiding from my friends, hiding from life in general. I definitely lost my way. I got caught up in the numbers on the scale and lost sight of my true goals. It took a long time but I finally realized my goal weight wasn’t the weight my surgeon set for me; it was one that my body chose for itself. So no I did not reach the magically 150. And I highly doubt I’d feel any better if I did. Right now I am loving my current size and I feel comfortable. I work out 3-4 times a week, and I watch my carb and sugar intake. Some days I eat a lot and some days I eat just enough. I don’t really count calories but I try to eat when I am hungry and eat enough to feel satisfied. I don’t really dump and I can tolerate most foods. Right now my favorite food is oatmeal with fresh apples. I just can’t get enough of it. I would really like to have plastic surgery right now but I know it’s something that will have to wait. I would love to get breast implants and a tummy tuck. I can deal with the lose skin on my arms and legs.


8 Months Out

Sep 01, 2007

Well I am now 8 months out. This month was a disappointing one. It started of so well, my weight loss was back on track and all seemed right with the world. However during the past few weeks I’ve been struggling with a 4lb gain that I feel came out of nowhere. I am working out 5-6 times a week and the frustration of not seeing the scale move (OR at the very least stay in the same place, I’d be grateful for a plateau right now), has started back some of my binge eating habits. I am tracking them on my calendar and it happens late at night, about twice a week right now. I decided to join an Eating Issues Counseling group here at school. I hope that helps me try to face my binge eating demons. Because even though the surgery prevents me eating how I used to eat, the urge for the behavior is still there and at times I know I still manage to overeat. I’m starting to think maybe my current weight is my set point. The most obvious question now is can I live with that?

 So far I have enjoyed being back in school. Of course, it’s only been one week but so far I am enjoying my classes. For the first time in my life I can sit at a desk and cross my legs under it. I can also pull up and use those little half desks that pull up over on the side of your chair in large lecture halls. Back when I was in undergrad, I could never get those to sit flat because my stomach always got in the way. I also decided to finish my degree part time instead of fulltime. So it will take me 3 years to complete my degree instead of 2.  I am still struggling a bit with my transition into my new job. I have joined the school fitness center and I go there 3 times a week, and then I workout at home twice a week.  I also bike to all my classes.  I haven’t had much trouble finding suitable foods to eat in the school cafeteria, so I feel like I am adjusting to campus life fairly well.


I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Aug 26, 2007

Normally, I am not a very religious person. I do believe in a higher power, but I don't spend much time in church right now. However, I was reading a Christian book on body image and I came across this scripture that really spoke to me:

"For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." PSALM 139:13-14

It really helped me to put things in to perspective about being happy with who I am and to stop being to judgmental of my physical looks. I was created by my higher power and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter what my waist size is. I have my health, and I control my own happiness. Too much time is spent in the mirror wincing at loose skin or non existent breasts. I may not ever be able to change those things. But I can change my thinking and I can stop worrying about how others view me.

I was so down on myself the past few weeks b/c recently the scale has been reflecting a 4.5lb gain out of nowhere. And then I realized while working out this week I can do my hardest DVD at the highest level w/o having to stop. When I first purchased this DVD a few years back. I would get winded very fast and could barely get through the tape and that was while doing all the less advanced moves. So who cares what the scales says I know I'm healthy and I am grateful my body was able to complete the entire workout.

I also was setting out my school clothes for my first day of school and I realized I was wearing a size 12 jeans and M top. It was a personal WOW moment for me. Who would have thought I would be wearing this size EVER in life? I certainly didn't. I just realized I was officially out of plus size clothes. When I went school clothes shopping I instinctively walked into Lane Bryant....only to realize I wouldn't be able to fit anything in the store. I love Lane Bryant, but it's been a great run. May our relationship forever RIP.

7 Months Out

Jul 29, 2007

Well here I am 7 months out. Wow time has really flown by. It just seemed like yesterday that I was starting the approval process. Although my weight loss continues to be slow, my energy is through the roof. I recently relocated to a different city and I managed to do a lot of the moving myself and it only took me 2 days to unpack. A year ago it would have taken me forever because I lacked the energy. I managed to get my eating back on track; I joined a new website called Spark People. It helped me to go back to tracking my food and exercise. I also have incorporated lunch into my daily menu, which I haven’t done in awhile. So with taking in more food and continuing to up m exercise to 5 times a week, I managed to get re-motivated and get the scaled moving again. But this time around I am not concentrated so much on the numbers. As of today, according to the BMI chart (which is VERY faulty in my opinion….) I am no longer obese, I am overweight now.  I also tried on a pair of size 12 dress pants and they FIT!!! I was so excited. I still can’t wear size 12 jeans, but I was extremely excited to be able to fit those dress pants. I am down 88lbs and I have about 34 more pounds to go. I hope to reach my goal weight by January 1, 2008. I have about 5 more months left to go!

I had my first complication after surgery last week. One night I got a horrible pain in my lower abdomen. I was unable to sleep, eat, or even move. The pain was intense, more intense then when I had surgery. I started taking Gas-X because I figured it was trapped gas. After about 15 hours of this I finally decided to see a Dr. This was quite an adventure because I currently don’t have health insurance and I won’t again until school starts in August. So I knew I was going to have to pay out of pocket. It is so insane how cruel medical providers treat you when they find out you don’t have insurance. People roll their eyes, snap and you, and one place even turned me away. The Dr. did some X-rays and confirmed that yes it was an air pocket. So He prescribed some meds and gave me a shot of a pain medication and within a few hours I was feeling a lot better. Who knew gas could be so painful?

So far I have been keeping myself busy exploring my new surroundings and getting ready to start a new job and school. I also noticed I have really cut back on my late night snacking and grazing. This is practically due to the fact that I keep myself so busy. When I am bored I tend to graze more. I am more than confident that school and work are going to keep me VERY busy this year. I plan on joining the gym soon. I am very excited about that. It will help add some variety to my home workouts.


Fat Politics

Jul 23, 2007

Recently, I have been reading this book entitled "Fat Politics: The Real Story Behind America's Obesity Epidemic" By J. Eric Oliver. In this book, the author is basically exploring the real story behind the obesity health crisis in America. So far the book has been very interesting, today I ran across a quote that really pertinent to me: "The greatest share of the market for diet products is not made of people who are trying to lose 100 or 200lbs, but by people who only need to lose 20. The typical consumer of a diet plan is white female with the BMI between 24 and 32. Such a person is under no significant health risk from her weight. Weight loss companies make products for people who want to look thin, not people who are concerned for their health."
These words really jumped off the page for me. I was immediately reminded of my mindset 4-5 years ago before I began a serious weight loss plan. When I was close to 400lbs, I was young and still did not have many health concerns, but I knew if I continued at the weight I was at, I would develop then just as many members of my family had. My focus then was not to be "thin" I didn't even think it was possible. I just wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be active and I wanted to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I wanted to move my body effortlessly without feeling like my weight was holding me back. I even had a weight loss journal where I posted photos of my "dream" body. 5 years ago my dream body collage was filled with pics of curvy plus sized models. No one was under a size 12. I proclaimed that curves were beautiful and sexy and no matter what I would always want to keep mine. Then my goal was to simply no longer weight over 300lbs. I imagined I would be in the low 200s or maybe even 190lbs at the least.
As I get closer and closer to my goal weight I can’t help notice how my goals have changed. Somewhere along the way I went from wanted to be healthy to wanting to be “thin” My dream body now is a size 6 or 8. Somehow I managed to overlook that I have already achieved what used to be my “dream” body. I don’t think I ever even realized I could be this size, let alone smaller. I am very healthy, I eat great foods, and exercise often and my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are excellent. Losing weight According to Oliver’s book, me being 30lbs overweight is not a significant health risk. And then again I wonder, will it ever been good enough? Will I ever reach a point where I am satisfied with my size no matter what? Or is there always going to be some impossible goal I continue to set for myself. Even though I said I would never buy into the “I just want to be thin” culture. I find myself right in the midst of it.


What do you think would happen if we didn't hate our bodies?

Jul 18, 2007

We would...

* Learn to eat when, what, and how much our bodies need.

* Overcome our fear of not dieting.

* Look in the mirror and like what we see.

* Decode our fat talk to reveal our real concerns.

* Stop trying to measure up to society's ridiculous and impossible standards of female beauty.

* Learn to accept ourselves - our bodies as well as our feelings - unconditionally.

This is so easier said than done. Over the years I have done alot of work around body image and self esteem issues, as a matter of fact it has become a passion of mine. With all the reading and research I have done, I still manage to look in the mirror when I am in my undies and think "ew". Even after losing 200lbs I still feel very fat and continue to beat
myself up about the fact that I am struggling to lose the last 40lbs. I dream when I can get to a point when I can stop worrying about my weight. Yes continue to eat healthy and be active, but because it makes me feel good, not because I want to look a certain way. I want to stop the inner struggle to get on the scale everyday, I want the numbers on the scale to stop ruling over my life. I want to stop longingly caressing the pair of skinny jeans in my closet. Will I ever just be happy with who I am and I how I look? I feel like when I do, things will be so much easier.

Scale Wars

Jul 09, 2007

So I made a promise to myself I would start writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s only fair. Some of us only feel compelled to write when everything is coming up roses and we all know no one is perfect and sometimes we have some back sliding. As usual my mortal enemy has been the scale. Those sinister numbers can send me out into the world motivated and ready to accomplish anything, or send me right to the fridge or to a cookie jar for a binge. I am a recovering binge eater. I am doing better but sometimes I have episodes where I attempt to fall back into my old habits. I feel like physically at this point I cannot fully fall back into eating entire pizzas and gallons of ice cream but the urges and behavioral patterns are still there.

Last week I weighed in at 180.5. I was absolutely ecstatic about this weight b/c I was very close to reaching 179. I weighed myself on my sister’s Weight Watcher’s scale. I was super motivated all week, kept with my workouts, and ate like I was supposed to. However, when I got back to my own trusty Tanita scale it began to betray me. I weighed 185! I was livid. 185!! How could I gain 4.5lbs from working out and doing what I was supposed to? Of course all level headed normal human beings know there is a difference in scales and don’t get caught up in numbers, your weight naturally fluctuates...BLAH BLAH. But of course when I saw those numbers it messed with my head.

    That day started off normal enough I attended a wedding, steered clear of the cake and food.  I enjoyed decaf coffee and water the entire reception. Then I attended Taste of Detroit and got a “Taste” of Chicken Shawarma with veggies and hummus that was actually a full meal for me. I even had a sensible sugar free cookie for dessert.

Then my emotions starting to creep in. I am stressed about some things in my life right now. One of the main factors realizing all my problems aren’t magically going away because I lost weight. It’s still the same drama and BS that I have to deal with. Friends aren’t going to come knocking down my door and romantic relationships aren't going to fall into my lap. I still find myself feeling very lonely. Sometimes even more lonely than I was before I lost weight because I have lost some friends along with the pounds. I think being at the wedding brought on a lot of those feelings for me.

So that night when I got home, I ate more food than I have ever eaten since surgery. I managed to get in almost two bowls of cereal with soy milk, ½ of a English muffin, more sugar free cookies, cheddar rice crisps…the list is longer than that but a lot of that evening was a blur. I was shocked at how much food I managed to eat in about a 2-3 hour time span. And as usual I fell right back into my script of guilty feelings. Its like I need to beat myself up and punish myself with food.

However, the old me would have wallowed in the misery for several days…ate more food gained weight and continued the vicious cycle. The new me who is in recovery, picked myself up and dusted myself off and vowed to not let myself get to that point again. Instead of attempting to numb my feelings with the food I recognized what was making me so upset and tried to learn from it. But of course before I could adapt this new healthy outlook on life I needed a new scale. So after work at like 11pm I ventured out to my local Meijer’s. I took scales out of their boxes and weighed myself. I went with the identical scale that my sister has…and it gave a number that was pleasing to me 182. Drawback was the scale was 30 bucks! But I figured getting my sanity back is worth it so I bought the scale. And now I am getting back into my routine and trying to deal with my emotions. I vowed not to get on the scale more than once a week. So every Monday morning is weigh-in. And I keep the scale out of site in my closet instead of in the bathroom calling to me every time I go in there.


About Me
MI
Location
28.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
12/29/2006
Surgery Date
Oct 14, 2006
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
2 months out 41lbs gone forever
226lbs

Friends 201

Latest Blog 37
School's Out For Summer!!!
Over a Year Out :)
8 Months Out
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
7 Months Out
Fat Politics
What do you think would happen if we didn't hate our bodies?
Scale Wars

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