There’s no Google Map for where I’m going, so I’m blazing my own trail. I am, of course, talking about my Recovery from Binge Eating.

When you’re addicted to things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, it’s fairly easy to figure out the “rules” of your sobriety. What I mean by that is, if you are shooting for complete abstinence, then any alcoholic drink, illegal drug, or betting (including lottery scratch-offs) would probably be on the list of “don’ts.”

But, when you get into addictions like shopping, sex, or food, the terms of agreement can get a little squirrelly. In other words, if you are addicted to sex, does that mean you can never HAVE sex for the rest of your life? Probably not (unless you have taken a vow of celibacy, but that’s different). How about shopping? What constitutes “acceptable” shopping, and what constitutes “addictive” shopping?

Which brings the discussion around to FOOD. I have specifically made a decision to be SOBER FROM BINGEING. That means that if a food will trigger a binge, I will not touch it. I already know what a lot of them are – Fritos, Oreos, Fruit Loops, Chocolate Chip cookies, etc. — but I don’t have a exhaustive list of EVERY food item that is likely to cause a problem, so, how do I handle that? How do I know when I’m making a choice that would end my recovery?

Well, last night, as I was strolling through CVS (I had to buy hairspray, duh) — my mind was darting around like a pinball machine:

Me: Oh, Valentine’s Day. Look at all the candy.
Me2: I clearly don’t need candy. That would be on the list.

Me: But it would only be one little box of sugar free stuff.
Me2: Yeah, but I wouldn’t just eat one piece a day; I’d want the whole thing, so, no. That is not the thing to look for.

Me: But, what will MexiKen buy me for Valentine’s Day?
Me2: He never buys you candy anyway, so let him get you a card. And maybe flowers. You aren’t addicted to flowers.

Me: Oh….look at the Russell Stover Sugar Free Gummy Bears. That’s a small bag.
Me2: Nope. You eat those in the car, on the way home. And home is only 3 minutes down the road (with traffic). That is definitely a no-no. Me: What about…?

And the conversation continued.

Now, I realize that this conversation might sound trivial or even frustrating, but to me, the exchange was very, very comforting. That is because I was giving myself the chance to consider and reject each item, based upon its likelihood to cause a binge. Last night, instead of feeling CHEATED, I felt EMPOWERED. That is because, even though I don’t have an official “list” of things I will NOT choose to consume, I am confident that I have the skills to make the decision “on-the-fly.” My hope is that I will continue to have the determination to do this, but I cannot project that far down the road. Today is a new day. Yesterday completed Day 8 of my Sobriety from Bingeing – and I ended on a very high note.

Well, today, I began on an equally high note. That is because, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t have coffee-on-the-brain when I awoke. I didhave a “headache-on-the-brain,” and had to take my usual Tylenol. Which led me to tell myself that “Maybe I needed a cup of coffee, because withdrawals from caffeine” were “causing the headache.” Now, remember that I have allowed myself a maximum of TWO cups of coffee a day. I have continued to honor that.

So, I ambled down the hall (man, that wood floor is cold), and made a cup of coffee. I didn’t get that usual “ahhhhhh” feeling from it, but, I shrugged it off. It was only about 10 minutes ago that I realized I “might not need”coffee anymore. I decided that I “might not have” that second cup today. Then, I did the unthinkable and pondered that I “might not have coffee anymore.” I haven’t absolutely decided yet, and this indecision does NOT nullify the terms and conditions of my Recovery. But, I will reflect a little more today and see if I get a clear message that this is the correct next step on my journey.

Ultimately, there is no roadmap for Bingeing. That’s because everyone has different “drugs” of choice. I have to make it up as I go along, BUT, the thing to remember is, I can’t make the decision AFTER I’ve chosen incorrectly. (In other words, I cannot plan U-Turns into the road trip). I need to be vigilant and patient, and, when in doubt, say NO. That really is the safest route to take, because impatience and absent-minded eating are the hallmarks of my addiction. If I’m in a hurry, don’t want to think about it, or worse, hear myself sayING the words, “I can have just a little bit of that. A little won’t hurt. That’s not bad. Besides, I really want it.” — it’s a pretty safe bet that WHATEVER it is, is gonna go on the “NO” list.

The rule of the day is to BE STILL and listen to myself.

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