To NOT Know Me is to Hate Me.

by cari

So, I was watching Ali McBeal, when MexiKen walks by and I offhandedly say, to him “I always thought she was so pretty; look at that hair…” (musing about Portia di Rossi.)

He quickly replies, “Who? HER? You think SHE’S PRETTY? Oh my gosh…Seriously? She has no boobs, a weird looking nose…there’s nothing pretty about her…”

NOTE: I do not spend my days trying to convince my husband thatother women are beautiful — AND, before you go racing down the road to crucify him for his comment, there is a reason I am sharing this with you, so keep reading…

In that instant — when my husband ripped Portia di Rossi to shreds – I had a moment of clarity that was so impressive, I’m pretty sure I heard angels and harps: What did that woman EVER do to HIM, or anyone else? Did she stare back at him from the television screen, touting her beauty and daring him to challenge her exquisiteness? Did she ever once utter the words, “I think I’m better than you; I’m beautiful, talented, famous, thin and have the most enviable head of hair on the planet”?

In a word: No.

She simply chose to share her gift and her passion of acting with an audience, and never once intimated that anyone was less of a person than she was. She did NOT deserve blind criticism and demeaning comments my husband had uttered. She was just doing her job and I felt bad for her.

And then Linda Rondstadt started singing to me…”You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good…Ouch. I felt ashamed and guilty, because I realized that I do that – maybe not to her, but to others. I mentally classify people and chip away at them. If someone says that this or that celebrity is beautiful, and I don’t agree, I say things like, “I don’t think she’s pretty; she has a horse face. But *somebody* thinks she pretty. I wonder who SHE knows…?” (Just typing it feels ugly). If someone says an artist sings well, but I think they sound like they’re gargling, I will put them down. I mentally keep score, ensuring that I always come out on top…And don’t ask me where I learned to do this; we all pick up habits along the way, and it’s the bad ones that usual stick.

The interesting thing is, I am judged by people, just as Portia di Rossi is judged (so, I should KNOW better, right?) Believe me, people say hurtful and mean things about me, without even knowing me, just as people say mean things about her, without knowing her (or any other celebrity or notable person out there).

I’m not telling you this because I need to be told I’m wonderful and should ignore anyone who says mean things about me (so, no need to post a supportive comment, but thank you anyway…), and I don’t think I have anything in common with Portia di Rossi (Gosh…I envy her hair…) because I know that blind criticism, misrepresentation, and unfair accusations come with the territory. The point is that I should not be thinking nasty things about people — especially those I don’t know – because:

1. I don’t like it when people do it to ME, and
2. It’s just wrong

In a nutshell: People don’t deserve much of the criticism I have reserved for them, and I know I don’t deserve much of the criticism leveled at me.

Fortunately, I criticize MYSELF enough for an entire ARMY of haters, so a few more insults isn’t gonna make a difference (LOL). But, that’s what therapy is for: Learning kind and compassionate self-talk — about yourself AND others.

Anyway, lest you click off so you can go find an unflattering picture of someone to post on your Facebook wall, what I want you to take away from this is: Ultimately, it is human nature to tear others down because we foolishly believe it will make us feel or look better, but ironically, it does NOT make us better people…it makes us worse.

What is it moms always say…? “It’s all fun and games, until somebody gets hurt!” People DO get hurt. Every day. Just pick-up a National Enquirer, and tell me the majority of articles are meant to make celebrities feel “good” about themselves…Not gonna happen. Not until unicorns can hover (to quote Pat Gray from this morning’s Glenn Beck show…)

The bottom line?

• You don’t need to add to the abundance of negativity in the world.
• You don’t need to put others down, believing you’ll build yourself up.
• You don’t need to unfairly judge people, especially if you don’t know them
• You don’t need to fill in the blanks with insults to make yourself feel better.

Next time you see a celebrity that “everyone” touts as beautiful, or you hear a singer that everyone is raving about – even if you DON’T agree – check yourself and see if you are silently “hating” them for things you can’t possibly know.

I promise: I WILL.