A rant, a LONG rant
Apr 07, 2008
Kay, Jenny tends to post to talk to herself, and it works for her, so I am going to do the same. I am completely introspecting here, so don't feel like I am seeking out responses. I am just at my wits end about how to fix my head. I am seeing a therapist, but that is only once every other week, and well, this is an off week. So you all get to hear me ramble. Please bear with me, or don't. You can turn back now. It is not too late.
You were warned.
So today I weighed myself. 207.8 lbs. TWO ZERO SEVEN. That is gain. I convinced myself that 205 was water weight, but 207, that is a gain. Thus, introspection. Introspection leads to apostrophes (btw, I do know that the correct word is epiphany, I just prefer apostrophe. It is more fun to spell).
Ok, I started this journey with the best of intentions. I was willing to accept the restriction. I was willing to accept the possibility of complications. I was willing to accept hair loss. I was willing to cut back severely on, but not deprive myself of, things like ice cream, chocolate, cookies, and pancakes. I wanted to be healthy. I still am willing to do all of those things. I had the surgery. I started chatting on OH more and more because I moved from NoVa, where I had my surgery, to SC. I knew I would need support, so I turned to OH, to my friends. I read about how people were losing so much, and so fast. As my own weight loss slowed down in June and July, I told myself that I can’t compare myself to others. Everyone is different, and I would still lose, just more slowly. I began to dance 4 days a week. I don’t like treadmills, so I figured this was good cardio (and it is). I knew I was exercising more than most people who are less than 6 months out of surgery, so I figured I should lose better, right? I didn’t increase my eating. I tried to up my fiber intake so I could poo again, but I didn’t do anything to sabatoge myself. I upped my water A LOT. I try to drink at least 4 liters a day. I don’t drink juice, just water, milk, tea, and occasionally coffee. I envied all the people who either lost despite no exercise, or lost despite eating a lot. However, I tried not to compare and I said, at least I haven’t had any complications. Then in Nov, my surgeon told me he was disappointed in me. I felt bad. I had tried to be good. I exercise a lot. I don’t eat perfectly, but I wasn’t eating more than 1600 cals a day. That is still a lot less than I was burning. I should be okay, right? I should lose, right? I refuse to completely cut out any part of my diet, including carbs. I only eat good ones, but I won’t cut them out. Your brain requires them to function. I like brain function. It is my friend. The holidays came and went, and I didn’t gain! I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain. My PCP said this was an achievement. I knew it wasn’t, because I should have lost like all of my friends, but that is okay, I will break 200 soon. Lyssa and Jess did, so it is just a matter of time, right? Right? No. So I stopped tracking my food. I stopped being as diligent. And now we get to the nitty gritty.
You can still turn back.
There is something wrong with my head. I want to be like a “normal” RNY patient. I want to do everything mostly right, and lose. ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! It isn’t fair. Why do I have to be perfect to lose? And even then, I don’t know if it will work. What if it doesn’t? What if I plan all my meals perfectly, eat only 1000 cals a day, exercise all I want, and I still don’t lose? What if I start yoga, I get my head in the right place, and I do all the things I should, and I still don’t lose? Then what? I never did lose easily. I always ate well, I always exercised. I walked, I played ball, I danced. And still, I was fat. Now I have surgery, and I am still FAT. I know I shouldn’t think this way. But I do. I am fat. 16 is not a normal size. 200 lbs is not a healthy weight. I don’t want to be a twig. I don’t even care if I see single digit sizes. I would be happy with a 12. I would be happy with 170 or 180. Just not 200. Just not 16. I want to be healthy!
I know there is no magic formula. I know what works for one, doesn’t for another. I know you all are tired of hearing the what if this is it. I warned you that you could still close the thread. You are still reading. This means one of two things. Either (more likely) you are really bored or this is kinda like a train wreck, and you just can’t look away. I don’t want to whine. I just needed to get this out. IT HURTS to feel like a failure. It hurts to know that your own willpower isn’t enough to get you what you need. It HURTS to know that you and only you are not good enough.
I am a control freak/perfectionist. Being so out of control of my life is killing me. That is why I want to start yoga. Maybe it will help me get control of my own self. To hell with everyone else, I need to help me. Here I sit at work, almost in tears because I know that everything I have typed means that I am not doing the work. I am not good enough for this surgery. I wanted so badly to have the easy road of eating healthy and exercising, and the weight would come off.
And since I didn’t, I am trying to pry my brain open, and make the sacrifice of not eating but 1000 cals. But I can’t do it. Not yet. Maybe when I get my head right. But right now, I am just not good enough.
So in conclusion (if you are still here, you must be REALLY bored): I didn’t post this to be “woe is me.” I posted this so that hopefully it will have the cathartic effect it has for Jenny. I needed to tell you all that I am a jealous bitch who wanted the easy way out. I wanted diet and exercise to work. I was only willing to take it so far. Now I need to figure out just how far I will have to go, and see if I can summon the willpower to do it.
To end on a lighter note: If I can’t summon the willpower, I can always donate some body parts. Kidneys fetch a fair amount on the Black Market, right?
Mar 07, 2008
Today’s topic: Failure
I haven’t posted in a while. To be honest, it is because I haven’t had anything to say. I haven’t lost ANY weight. I haven’t lost ANY inches. And while maintaining 200 lbs is impressive, I feel like I didn’t want the journey to stop here. I DON’T want the journey to stop here. It ISN’T going to stop here.
Positive thought is not my forte. I know pessimists live shorter, less fulfilled lives, but I am still working on the positive thought process. I have decided that, despite the fact that my current insurance does not cover mental health, I need a therapist. I am actively seeking one at this point. I can’t do this alone, and I can’t do it with only the support of my family and friends. I need someone who can help me break the food addiction, break the guilt complexes, and break the self-destructive thoughts.
Here is the deal:
I have lost an amazing 80lbs. I only had 140 to lose to be “normal” and 110 to lose to be happy. I am neither normal, nor happy. I am proud. I have lost 80 lbs by taking an active role in my health.
I still feel like I should have lost more. I am already 72% to my goal. I should be able to make it the last 38%.
What have I done?
Well, I really slowed dramatically in my weight loss in July. At that point, I had lost 58lbs in 4 months. In the next 8 months, I lost 22 lbs. In September, I began dance classes. I was dancing 9 hours a week. I slowly began to increase my caloric intake. In October, I began tracking my caloric intake. It became easier to eliminate bad foods. I also began dramatically increasing my water intake. I am now at 3-5 liters a day.
In December, I hit 203. Since then, I have bounced from 203 – 200 lbs. For 3 months, I have weighed the same. It has gotten to the point that seeing 203 causes panic attacks. I weigh EVERY day because I am scared that I will miss the 199 if I don’t.
In January, I cut back a little on the dancing. Competition season is upon us, and some of my classes were competition classes. I didn’t have anything to do while they were rehearsing. So I cut back to 6 hours a week. I tried to start working out in the gym in my apartment complex. But, it didn’t work. I can’t do it alone, and no one will go with me.
So here I sit, eating way too many calories (1300 – 1700), but starving if I don’t. I am angry. I am VERY angry because I see people who don’t exercise at all, hardly eat a thing, and they are down 100+ lbs. WHY CAN’T THAT BE ME? I refuse to become a bird. I refuse to compromise my health for weight loss. I won’t cut my caloric or nutritional intake to below a certain point. For instance, I cannot see consuming less than 100 g of carbs a day. I just can’t. Disagree with me as you will, but I can’t. It is so tempting to just say, “oh, well maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe the sleep study will clear things up; maybe it won’t.” But I can’t do that. I hate external loci of control. I want to be responsible for my actions so that I can fix them. I want to be able to change things and see results. I don’t want to say why me. But I do. Because that is life. So I don’t know if this pertained to failure or not, but that is what I feel like I did. I failed. I didn’t reach my goals. But that is okay, because I am not going to fail this time.
Thanksgiving and more
Nov 27, 2007
First off, a Thanksgiving recap. We left on Tuesday morning to go to
Wednesday I went “shopping” in my MIL’s closet. She has outgrown some clothes and some of them still fit. Fortunately, I am big in the bust, and she was a little chubby on top, so the tops fit. The bottoms were all perfect or a little too big. Looks like I am in the 18-16 range for pants. That is exciting! So I got several “new” pants and a few “new” tops too. It is nice to have clothes that sorta fit. After “shopping,” I went to the Dr.’s office, which I will rant about in a few. Then I came home and chilled ‘till we went to Eggspectations, where I had a phenomenal omelet. It was bacon and cheese and I ate half of it. The other half was lunch before the huge T-day dinner on Thursday. I was rather excited about it because I don’t usually like omelets.
Turkey Day was chaotic. The terrible seven came over, with their parents this time, which generally makes things worse because the parents don’t discipline. My Aunt-in-law has lost a lot of weight, so she looked amazing. I was kinda jealous. I just don’t like my Uncle-in-law because he is irresponsible and stupid. So I just avoid him. Nevertheless, that family manages to make EVERYTHING chaos. Then, Bubbie and PopPop came over (Hubby’s g-parents). PopPop is really laid back and chill, but Bubbie isn’t happy unless she is fretting over something. So naturally, she had to get into everything. I took the baby and hid. Dinner was alright. I had a little bit of turkey, a little bit of sweet potato, and a little bit of corn. Most of the sweet potato and corn ended up coming back up, but it was still tasty the first time. For dessert, my AIL made this really tasty low fat, sugar free pumpkin streusel cheesecake. When I get the recipe, I will share. It was quite tasty, and I had a small slice with cool whip. Then I walked the baby around the house for about 30 minutes. Then I went to bed, because MIL wanted to go shopping the next morning.
5:00 am is an ungodly hour. I don’t see it often, for a reason. It is cold, dark, and I am sleepy. I put my toothpaste on the wrong side of the toothbrush Friday morning. But I was up, and we went to Macy’s after hitting up Starbucks, where I got a decaf sf gingerbread latte skim with whip (I can’t give up the whip, though I know it is bad. It is just so damn tasty!). My hubby got a new suit, two pairs of khakis, black slacks, five dress shirts, four ties, three long sleeve tees, and new shoes. My MIL got two jackets, 5 shirts, and a sweater. My SIL got khakis, two sweaters, and a nice top. I got shoes. We got home at 3:30 pm. Then my SIL and I sat down and watched the Newsies, which I had never seen. It is a cute, but contrived, musical that has batman from Batman Returns in it. He is a cutie, even at that age. Then we had salads, and I conked out.
We were supposed to get up at 7:00 am the next morning to get our hair cut, but we didn’t wake up until 7:45 (leaving at 7:50) because hubby did something with the alarm clock. So I rushed, popped my vitamins, and ran out the door. My hair brushes the top of my shoulders now, but pretty much nothing makes it look fuller. It is still falling out like crazy. I think I must need more protein. I got it styled, and looked pretty good for family pictures that afternoon. We got all of us; hubby, SIL and me; hubby and me; SIL and FIL; and MIL and FIL. Then, hubby and I hit the road for the grueling 9 hour drive home. We got in at 1 am. Needless to say, I was a little grumpy by then. I pretty much fell unconsciously into bed.
Sunday was a lazy day. We reorganized the closet, cleaned the fridge, and chilled with friends. I enjoyed that a lot. It was a nice break before jumping back into the grind.
Second topic, my surgeon. Grrrrr. He is a nice man, but he was decidedly unhelpful on Wednesday. I had lost 11 lbs since July 9th (last time I saw him). He basically told me there is no way I have been exercising as much as I say and following the program because I haven’t lost enough weight. This kinda upset me. I have been exercising as much as I say and I have been trying to follow the program (I just hate protein shakes). He just told me I must have a slow metabolism, come back in Feb. After discussing this with my hubby, we have decided to lower my carbs (a wonderful suggestion from the boards), up my protein (which means shakes, blegh), walk every day in addition to the dancing, and add weight training in. I did my first bout of weight training last night, and it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t walk though because I had a raging headache, and didn’t want to exacerbate it. So just strength training. I am going to try to do weights, resistance bands, and crunches/pushups/plank stand at least five times a week. Hopefully my weight and, more importantly, inches will start to fall.
So that is my Thanksgiving re-cap. Hubby is looking for a job because his TS clearance just came through. I am not sure how we are going to pay next week’s bills. Life is hectic and uncertain, but the sun has to peak through soon.
Nov 19, 2007
On a side note, I have noticed that I have become more obsessed with calories and fat and stuff. I obsessively look things up and analyze every little thing I put in my body. I am always worried about too many calories. I need to watch that and make sure it doesn't become a problem. I don't want to go overboard. My DH is tired of hearing me lecture about how many calories are in everything. I never used to worry about it. Now I do. Not that the scale has been moving, but maybe on Wednesday the Surgeon's scale will say differently. Who knows. Anyhow, so that is what I will be up to.
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!
I have decided to start blogging
Nov 16, 2007
Today's topics: Middle School Girls and Self-Doubt/Loathing
Topic 1: Middle School Girls
I take dance classes at a studio that has primarily middle school girls. I thought this would be okay, because, after all, I am 23 (soon to be 24). Surely in the 10 years since I have been in middle school, I have become smart enough and self confident enough to deal with middle schoolers. I think I had forgotten that a) I have no self esteem and b) middle school girls can be bitches. So anyway, I have managed to piss off two of the little middle schoolers. Long story short, I told some kids what to do, and it pissed off the girls because I am not a teacher, even though I am old enough to be one. So I didn't really think anything of it until Wednesday, when one of them actually smarts off to me. I didn't realize just how pissed off she was. So yesterday, I was having a bad day anyhow, and then I go to dance, and I felt like she was talking about me to the other girls because every time I came near her, she would shut up really fast. Now my true question is, why do I care? I know I shouldn't, but I can't get out of that mentality that everyone hates me and I am a loser and I feel alone. I guess that is the biggest thing, even though I feel like a freak because I am this old/ancient 200+ lb tank in the back of the class of 100- lb middle schoolers, I still can talk to some of the girls some of the time. I can't always relate to them, but sometimes I don't feel so alone. I am afraid that if this girl turns them all against me, I will be alone. I will be a freak and alone. I don't know if I can handle that. I am already nervous that I won't make it into the 170-160 range by May and I will look like a real freak on stage at the recital. I thought dancing would make me feel better because I love it, but instead it makes me feel like a freak :(.
Topic 2: Self-Doubt/Loathing
Obviously we hit on some of this topic in our first topic of the day. However, I feel the need to bitch some more. The only real solace I have is that no one has to read this. If you don't want to read a real downer, skip to the end. I am going to try to end on a high note. Like maybe a high C. Okay, that wasn't funny, but I am going to leave it in anyhow. To the topic at hand.
First Self-Doubt. I have always struggled with self doubt. Always. I never felt smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or anything enough to do anything. I always felt like the retarded ugly duckling. If I felt slightly adequate at anything, it was smarts, but I do stupid things (like not study) that makes me think maybe I am not even adequate at that. I know they say that the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know. And I really believe that. There is so much I don't know. I feel like people think I am smart because I graduated from Furman with a degree in Neuroscience, but I don't know that much and my grades sucked anyhow. My grade point average was brought up by my theatre classes (truly a sad thing for a science major). I just don't think I am good enough for anything. That is why I am temping with a communications company and can't get a decent job, because I don't know enough to do anything. I would have been better off with an associates degree in medical technology or something. I don't think I will be successful with anything. I am starting to thing this about my RNY too. Before surgery, I ate decently well, I danced. There were a few changes I needed to make, but on the whole, I wasn't THAT unhealthy. Now, I eat decently (though much less than before), I dance, I drink my water, I take my vitamins, I get in my protein. I have lost 72 lbs, which I am proud of, but I don't believe (not really) that I am going to lose significantly more. I feel like at 9 mo, I have expired, and I don't know what to do. I am not suited to an ascetic lifestyle, so starvation is out of the question. I will ask my surgeon on Wednesday, but I am starting to doubt myself on this too.
Second, Self Loathing. I think I hate myself. I don't think I am pretty. I don't think I am smart. I don't think I am good enough. I think I actually may hate me. I have often said I am unsure if I would be my own friend. I have anger issues, though I am working on them and I think I may have gotten better (though I am not sure if that is just everyone trying not to piss me off). I am not very good at being independent. I don't do things alone very well. I usually need someone (DH) with me for me to do anything. I hate seeing myself naked, or really ever, in a mirror because all I see is fat rolls and saggy fatty fat. I feel so unattractive, and I don't want to look this way. My hubby is tired of my lack of self esteem and just gets mad at me when I put myself down or say something negative. Which doesn't really help, but after 8 years of being together (7 yrs dating + 1.5 yrs marriage), I think he is just tired of it. I want to work on it with a counselor, but my insurance doesn't cover mental health and I cannot afford to self pay. So I am going to blog (poor readers). Hopefully I can actually keep this up to date, though perhaps not. I will try though.
Okay, for the happy bit. I don't want to leave on a down note because that is just unacceptable. So here is: http://xkcd.com/337/
This is a very funny web comic that I follow. I know, I am a dork. But that is okay with me.