carlaplank
10/28/04
11 days until surgery. I've been going to the gym 4 times a week to walk on the treadmill for about 3 months now and I'm taking an intro to pilates class on monday nights. Hate the treadmill like pilates. I think I would like the tread more if I could find an inexpensive FM receiver that would work inside the gym - but maybe I'd still hate it. Hopefully, as my weight decreases walking won't be such torture to my feet. Oh well, no sense whining it has to be done.
11/3/04
5 Days to go - Not too nervous but i have had a couple of small crying jags while taking care of the what if stuff, like my will and last letter to my husband. While i'm sure this is not going to be neccessary It would be irresponsible of me to not plan for it.
11/5/04
I won't be updating until I get back to work after the 23rd. So don't worry. I am confident in my surgeon and hospital staff.
I'll be talking to you all soon. Thank everyone for your kind words and thoughts - success to us all.
11/24/04
Hi, I'm back at work, I was here yesterday but it was too busy to post. Surgery when smoother than I had even hoped. I was out in an hour an a half. The pain was not as bad as expected either, what a pleasant surprise. Except for being a little tired at the end of the day some times I forget I just had major surgery, that's how smoothly things are going so far. I don't want to get overly Optimistic there is still a lot of healing to do and plenty of time for rough patches.
12/20/04
Well I'm seven weeks out and everything is still going very smoothly. I've been sleeping through the night since the very beginning and I've even been sleeping on my side since week two and my tummy since week three, amazing. I'm down 40lbs as of today. I've had a couple of episodes of my new and improved stomach letting me know who's boss, but even that has been few and far between. I think it's funny how my tastes can change so quickly, I was eating peanut butter as soon as the "mushy" stage began (always a peanut butter lover) then suddenly about 4 weeks out I can't stand the smell of it anymore. So the jar of PB sits on the shelf untouched, which never would have happened before. Well, anyway I have to remember to take things one day at a time and chew, chew, chew.
1/26/05
Happy New Year! I haven't posted in five weeks so I thought I should update those of you who are following progress reports. I'm down another 23 pounds, that's 63lbs in 12 weeks or so. Not too shabby. I'm still feeling very good. I haven't felt poorly as some people do. I've been very fortunate on how smoothly and uneventful my experience has been, and I don't take that for granted. So the most surprising news (to me it's a suprise anyway) I seem to be addicted to the elliptical trainer. I was at a support group meeting that was running long and I had a hard time paying attention because I was thinking about how it was my time to exercise. I do 40 min in the morning before work and 30 min at night before dinner. I really look forward to it. My D.H. says I must have found something that I really like to be so committed. But, I'm not sure that's it. It's not that I really LIKE it (but I must on some level) it's more like I NEED to do it, and that's OK. So it's true there is some form of exercise out there for everyone, don't stop trying different things until you find yours. It's important.
2/8/05
Hi all, it's been about 2 weeks so I thought I'd let you all know where I'm at. I'm down 71 pounds. My shoe size has gone down a size too. I went shoe shopping and bought 4 pair. It is a nice change to be able to wear shoes and not sandals. The edema in my lower legs and feet has gone down so much that shoes are an option again. Before I never knew if I could put on the shoes in the morning or if I could keep them on all day. Oh!! so I tried a D.D. corn muffin (small sliver) one of my previous favorite foods. I would have two for lunch a couple of times a week, well I have no worries about them anymore they are unedible. Not because I can't tolerate them but because it tasted like cardboard. Unbelievable. Also another favorite is out - Maple syrup, I didn't try it but the smell makes me gag. Before a could drink that with a straw, LOL. It's really strange how your tastes can change and change so drastically. Gotta go for now.
2/23/05
It's now just under 4 mos. since surgery and I'm down 87 pounds. Very happy about that. My husband keeps telling me I'm getting to be skin and bones. Well that's far from being the truth of it but I guess from where I started it's close to being the truth of it too. He's very proud of me. So am I. I've been under the weather for the last week or so. either a really bad cold or a mild flu dosen't matter which really, I feel lousy.
I used to eat when I didn't feel good, I swear food poisoning couldn't keep me from comfort eating, but now eating when I don't feel well is very hard. I get so full - very uncomfortable.
3/11/05
I hit a plateau for the last couple of weeks and didn't lose an oz but today I'm down again, 90 lbs gone. It's so discouraging to not lose. I don't understand it mathmatically it just dosen't make sense. But I just kept doing the right things: eating properly, excersize etc. Of course hitting a plateau now wasn't as frustrating as the three week plateau I hit one week after surgery. for three weeks I only lost 6 pounds, that was gut wrenching (pardon the pun) I was sure the surgery wasn't going to work for me - I was wrong.
4/1/05
No April fools joke here - Down 100lbs. I started to shed some hair around 16 weeks but it has started to slow down already, thankfully. I think (maybe) because I didn't have any trouble eating I was able to get in my protein early on so my hair loss has been less dramatic than some of the stories I've heard. I've added some extra Zinc to my supplement list Dr. D (Nutrition) said Zinc might help. My blood work on 3/8/05 came in all normal, very happy!!!!!! I guess that I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Tried new High Protein Pudding by Sylvester Stallone and Instone products. LOVE IT. It's so nice not to have to drink the shakes any more. I get just as much protein for 2/3 of the calories and I can have "dessert" with my husband and he dosen't have to feel bad. Now my drinks are solely water, I feel better about that.
5/13/05
Friday the 13th brought good news - Down 25 more pounds, that 125 total in just over 6 months!! Still doing well, no problems eating, but I'm not very adventurous in that area now. I'm very happy with the way things are going and I'm loath to change what I'm doing. I started my golf league again on wednesday. If you've been following the posts here you know that not being able to golf anymore was a catalyst for getting my surgery. Not being able to walk the course was a REAL sign post for me that My Life Was Getting Away From Me. Even more so than the numbers on my clothing tags. Even though I hated and was embarassed by being fat if I could at least do somethings that I love I could keep denying that things were out of control. So anyway, I wasn't tired after we were done with our 9 holes, in fact I was ready for more. I must admit however my feet hurt, not the same way they used to because of the plantar fascitis, but from rubbing in my shoes which are too big now, LOL :-). Thanks for listening - Hit 'em striaght!!
5/31/05 - Down 135lbs - I had a great holiday weekend, mostly because when I went shopping I bought from the REGULAR side of the store - not the plus side!!!!! I even bought a bathing suit from the REGULAR side of the store :-). I tried on the largest regular size skirt and it was too big, so I had to go down a size, on the REGULAR side of the store. OMG!!! Pants are still a plus size because of my darn calfs and thighs but I am starting to see the end of the tunnel on the plus side of the store for them too. I kept expecting a sales girl to tell me that I was on the wrong side of the store, but no, not even the customers looked at me funny. It was like I was normal. What A good feeling normal is.
6/15/05 - Down 140lbs - I had been on a "mini plateau" for about 8 days. It was driving me nuts even though I went down a pant size no weight came off the scale not even half a pound. So I Up'd my water HUGE, Up'd my protein, and added a couple of sprints to my elliptical workout and down a pound I went. I have only about 6 pound to become "overweight" and not "obese". Small goals. Last week a co-worker gave me the "it's time to stop losing" talk, out of love (yeah, right).It seems she thinks I'm getting too thin, I should at LEAST stop losing on top (as if that's my choice). I'm 222lbs I'd have to be 6'6" to be thin at this weight! Oh well, what can you do some people will always think they know what's best, I KNOW it's best to smile, nod and ignore. My husband continues to be my biggest supporter. He's is very proud of me. He told me that what I have done for myself has given him the courage to make some positive changes for himself too. That makes ME very proud. It's very reassuring to know that my husband loved me before WLS. That knowledge alone is enough to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground and not have my "head turned" by the additional attention I'm receiving. Plus he's a hottie!! YEA FOR ME!!!!!!
7/05/05
The Holiday weekend was pretty terrific, adopted a special needs Boston Terrier rescue from Michigan. His name is Max and he is WONDERFUL. Now he has a loving family with a "Mom & Dad" an older Boston Brother - Buster (he's the most wonderful boy) and a very cranky but cute pekinese sister - Suzie along with two sweet cat sisters - Dusty Rose and Nadia.
I'm down 151lbs as of today, which is also pretty great. I was thinking about what to write today and I thought that I haven't really updated on the changes that have happened with my new stomach. I thought I was doing a disservice to people that maybe are thinking they're doing something wrong because the "Typical rules" don't seem to apply to them. So I just wanted to let you know that everyone is a little different. I have found that if I chew and chew and chew I never get full. Dosen't matter what it is (although, I don't really eat carbs like bread, rice, pasta and the like so I don't know too much about them) even steak. I do chew alittle more than I used to but MUCH less then the other people in my support group talk about. My stoma must be very relaxed so overly chewing is a defeatist behavior for me the food just dosen't stay in the pouch long enough. Also I eat my meal in about 10 min. If I stretch out the meal to 20 or 25 I can eat way too much without an adverse overful feeling. Also, I have found for me it has been easier on me to not try to find acceptable substitutes for the old foods I used to like. Some times I hear stories of how someone has found a low carb "whatever" that they like. I just can't do that, I pretend that I don't like the old habit foods. I've started a new life that dosen't include those old behaviors, and I don't want to come too close to them for fear that the "something close" will turn into the "something" far too easily. So this is what I wanted to say today, I hope that I helped someone to feel less different.
7/28/05
My weight is finally below 200lbs!!!!!!!!!! This is a major goal for me. I've now lost 163lbs and weigh 199lbs. I'm very excited. 25lbs to a normal BMI. When I get there I have to eveluate how much more I want to lose, if anything. Of course I understand that my body may continue to lose weight no matter what my decision is (or the opposite for that matter) so there is no slacking off in my vigilance. I must maintain my committment to this new life style. Keep excersizing, making good food choices and keeping portions in check. I think that that is very important for me. I fear that I will allow my portion size to slowly creep up through JND (Just Noticable Difference). That's a trick I used to play on myself. So even though I am able to eat more now than before I keep my potions very small. My hunger is not too severe so even if I get really hungery after dinner a bite of cold chicken or cheese will usually quench it. I would rather do that (and get alittle protein) than risk eating bigger meals. So that's my story for today.
8/5/05
I just realized that I made no mention of my trip to Florida in May. That's so strange because I made a significant discovery about weightloss while I was away, or rather when I returned. So, I went down to visit my mother and sister who both moved there late last year. In fact they were in Florida when I had my surgery in early November '04. My mother is a pretty old gal at 84 years and is in a wheel chair most of the time. Consequently she and I and her caretaker/friend ate out the whole week I was there. I was really nervous of 4 things: 1) I didn't have my scale to weigh myself every morning, to be accountable for my food decisions 2) I really wasn't in control of my menu 3) My schedule was going to be a mess 4) My daily excersize routine was going to be severly compromised. Well, to make a long story short (sort of?) I compensated by 1) letting the scale compulsion go for the week, it was hard but I didn't obsess (and I got right back on the daily horse when I got back). 2) I really thought about what I should be ordering and did not let this "Holiday" lull me into bad choices, also before I tried the food I put a maximum on the amount I would eat at that meal based on the portion size, so when it got to the table I looked and decided right then that 1/3 (or whatever) was going to be the max I would eat. That way I wasn't as tempted to eat more because of how good it tasted. If I got full before the maximum I STOPPED. And, I found a GNC and bought the protein pudding that I LOVE to start the morning with so the start of the day was on the right foot. 3) So my schedule was a mess I'll recover, and 4) Even though I couldn't excersize the way I do at home I took a short walk several times a day (so my Mom wouldn't feel neglected for long periods of time). Now, when I got home I had lost 4 pounds. So I learned no matter where I am, I control or adjust my surroundings to accomodate my new way of life and my relationship with my body. I AM IN CONTROL, ONLY ME. 165 pounds lost - 38 weeks.
9/7/05
It has been about a month, I'm just shy of my ten month anniversary. Time really flys! I had a really good weight loss week last week, because of only a couple of small changes I think. I found my old treadmill walking tape, it's 80's music set to the same timed beats with no breaks between songs so I don't slow down while I'm on the elliptical. I noticed that when the song on the radio is slow or the dj's talk I unconciously slowed down.
Now I don't do that and the music is fun too. Also, my DH has started walking with me after dinner to the coffe shop. We used to drive to get his evening coffee and he never wanted me to walk alone, but now, sweety that he is, he walks with me. He walks all day landscaping so it's a big deal to me that he would do this for me. Plus I really like the quiet time to talk without distraction, it's a treat. It's probably alittle less than 2 miles total but these two changes are the only ones I made and I had a 5 pound loss week.
Two more pounds and I will be exactly half the woman I used to be. 179 pounds lost - 10 months (43 weeks).
10/4/05
I'm "normal" now, I have a BMI of 24.9 Holy Moly, it's hard to believe. It's hard to believe I reached my goal weight, but now that I'm here I see I can still lose some more. I know that the "goal" a revisable thing, but I still am alittle disappointed that I'm really not there yet. My legs, especially my calves are still quite heavy. I'm hoping that since I REALLY don't have any extra upper body fat anymore the rest will come off my lower legs. I'm in a size 6 (and I can SQUEEZE into some 4's) but I still have to buy special wide calf or stretch calf boots and sometimes they still don't stretch enough. :-( So I'm going to try for another 13 or 14 pounds for 2 reasons: 1) most important - see if I can shrink my calves a bit. 2) I would love to say I've lost over 200 pounds.
I got my Dexa Scan results and I have normal bone density so I now have another goal - Make sure it stays that way!!
I have to come up with a plan to deal with my excess skin, I don't feel too badly about most of my body but my legs make me so mad. My knees are so droopy and my thighs looks like elephant skin. But mostly I'm starting to get irritation behind my knees where the skin folds (GROSS). I don't think I can justify the cost of plastics. I wish the insurance companies would realize the value of feeling normal. It's a shame that we go through this great and dangerous undertaking to save our lives and sanity, to be normal, and in many cases fall just alittle short.
Talk to you soon - 188 pounds lost (47 weeks).
10/18/05
Hi Everybody! I'm very happy this morning, Weighed in at 169, that 193lbs down! Wow, that was a great surprise. 7 more pounds to 200 lbs lost. I bought a really cute pair of boots yesterday, stretch of course but still, I didn't have to go to special web site just to Payless. Happy happy joy joy. The calves are measuring in at 17 inches around still very big, but down 2 inches from last month. I walked in the Heart Walk with some people form my supourt group, I was wet and cold but still had fun, plus we started and ended at the Mall so I did alittle shopping after we were done :-) bought a pair of size 4-Tall pants from The Limited they fit GREAT.
Talk to you soon - 169 lbs (193 lbs lost)
11/18/05
I just have my 1st year WLS anniversary on 11/8. So far I have lost 201 lbs, with about 12 more to my final goal weight. Lately I have become marginally depressed (very unusual for me) and I worry because the weight loss has slowed down so much - as is expected - but mostly I worry about regain. I try to stay vigilant but I've only been at this for a year and losing is such a high. What can I do when I enter the uncharted territory of maintenance. I have never maintained before, I have always been on the way up or the way down, mostly on the way up. Can I keep this lifestyle up for years, for the rest of my life? I hope so. I have given myself a goal to run in the freihoffer's run for women in June of 06. I'm hoping that continual goals that don't have to do with losing weight but with maintaining and improving my health will help me "stay the course". So why am I depressed? Does most everyone go through this a some point? Do you think it maybe as simple as SAD. I don't know but I hope I get over this feeling soon I'm not used to it and I don't like it!
Talk to you soon - 161 (201 pounds lost)
1/27/06 - Wow it has been a while since I've updated. I've been bouncing around between 157 & 163. My new years (new life) resoultion is to buckle down again I really want to get these last 10 pounds off!!! So I joined a gym now I can vary my work outs and get the (free) use of a personal trainer whenever I want. Now I work out at least 2 hours a day. Morning cardio and evening cardio with weights. That seems to be helping me at least mentally. Although I'm not seeing the results on the scale, my butt is looking better. I'm still having some depression problems, not awful, just a nagging melancoly that sneaks up on me sometimes. I think I was a happier person before surgery. Probably that is not the right word, happy, but I'm not sure how else to explain it. I was blissfully unaware of just how poorly, differently or dismissively I had been treated before surgery, now that I'm viewed differently and the novelty has worn off, I'm kind of sad about it, about what I missed before and about how crappy alot of people are. I should just count my blessings and move on and I will sooner or later but for right now I mourn for my "fat" self. It's strange how so many things that I'm grateful for now also make me feel bad. I love being thin - I hate being cold. I love being thin - My tail bone alway's hurt when I sit. I love shopping - the choices can be overwhelming. I love that I can't eat as much - I miss food. My husband thinks I'm geogeous - (self doubt) what was I before. My body looks very good - in clothes. I love being thin - I'm always worried about regain. Am I whiner? Not usually, I know it probably dosen't sound that way right now. Overall my life has MUCH improved, but being thin isn't the panacea of happiness that is often thought. Happiness is happiness and thin is thin they don't mean the samething.
I'll write soon - 159 (today) 203 pounds lost.
3/7/06 - Sorry it's been so long since my last update. It's very hard to come here and write when nothing exceptional has happened. I'm still maintaining within about 5 lbs - up down up down - I'm having trouble keeping my resolve in losing the "last 10" I do ok with maint. When I go up a couple lbs I panic and lose it then slack off again. I don't seem to have the same urgency to get to 150. Maybe subconsiously I'm happy with my weight now. I don't consiously feel done yet but then again maybe I just don't know how to feel satisfied with my body, maybe that comes with time. OR maybe I'm still fighting with myself and these nagging feelings of sadness and anger. Maybe when they go away with time I can let myself reach my goals and finally be satisfied. I hope so. Still working out 2 to 2.5 hrs a day although I am trying to become less compulsive about it. I do at least 1 hour of cardio EVERY MORNING, and another 1hr of cardio and 1/2 of weights in the evening but I if I have something else that needs my time I will skip the evening. Not for being lazy, but if I have a legitimate reason for skipping a night the world isn't going to end. I'm trying to find a balance between who I want to be and how much "blood" I'm willing to shed for it. Balance is not something I've been good at. I've always been an all or nothing type of girl, it's definately the hardest behavior to modify.
3/17/06
I was reading my last post and realized I haven't been totally honest. Not that I intentionally mislead but my comment "I do ok with maint" what a misstatement! Maintenance is the hardest part! I thought that getting the weight off was difficult but it's in no way as hard as maintenance for me. I'm constantly ping ponging between panic and complacency. I have practically given up my free time to exercise to which I'm hoping to find a better more mentally healthy balance. But It is very tiresome this business of maintenance. That's probably why most of us have lost substantial amounts of weight many times over without being able to keep it off, until weight loss itself becomes almost impossible. Of course I'm still very new to it, which I find both hopeful and scary. I mean if I'm tired now what will I be next year? or then again maybe because it's so new that's why I'm tired? You see, every facet of this new life also has facets - good and bad. Almost everything has the silent question attached "was/is this worth it?" so far the answer has been yes - a very tired, panicy, healthly, happy, sad, angry, well dressed - yes.
4/20/06
Hi. I got such a wonderful e-mail from someone in my group. Thank you Sue. She reaffirmed my belief that group is very important not only for the newbie but for all of us. I have said it is hard to come here and write when nothing exciting has happened, no more astounding weight loss, etc. However, I guess that can be valuable for people to know too, Sometimes nothing exciting happens. I can go days with no one mentioning how "great I look" or how much weight I've lost. As time goes on I suppose that will become weeks and months. I thought of it as kind of dissappointing BUT what that really means is people are looking at me differently now. I'm starting to NOT be the fat women who got thin. They're forgetting that I was anyone but who I am now. Isn't that in itself exciting? So I think when nothing exciting happens that is the most exciting of all.
I've made a new year's resolution (after all everyday is the start of a new year) to try to get a better handle on my emotional eating. I don't want to slip into a pattern of regularly eating badly with the specific intention of working it off at the gym. That behavior is OK even normal for the OCCASIONAL indulgence, but when it starts to become an intentional behavior, that is a SIGN. I am no longer ignoring the signage that comes into my life. That is, after all, one of the things that got me close to 400 pounds, that act of burying my head in the sand until the sign was (and me too)too big to ignore.
I'm not sure if it's the longer daylight or if my short tenure with some individual therapy is the cause but my nagging almost constant state of melancholy is starting to lift. I still have boughts of anger and disappointment with things beyond my control but I feel like that is starting to normalize. I'm not yet where I'd like to be mentally but I think I can see the light.
I think I should stop now I think I heard a couple of snores out there :-)
5/9/06
Morning, I thought I'd check in today. Nothing special to report - Yea!! (see previos post - LOL). Maintenance has been getting a little less stressful. I'm trying to work out a little less - not a lot less just a little. Sundays are a day off, no gym and no elliptical. I try to take a walk instead. Last Sunday I did my errands on foot. That was nice, kind of relaxing and also I felt really good about not using gasoline.
I got another tattoo a couple of weeks ago. On the inside of my right wrist. It's a tribal turtle. Turtles stand for lots of things one of them being perseverance another is female strength, those things really spoke to me. I was looking for something tangible to help me through the rough spots. I was going to put it on the inside of my left wrist so I could cover it with a watch but then I realized I want to see it every time I put something in my mouth - I eat right handed. If I need to cover it a wide bracelet works just as well as a watch.
I've managed to keep my weight from flutuating more than 1 to 1.5 lbs - that 5 to 7lb window was just to big for me, it allowed me to be far to sloppy with my eating patterns and then the panic was so great to get it off. So that was my goal for the last 5 or 6 weeks. To allow myself to be alittle more normal - have a cookie if I really want one - one. Not have 3 or 4 over the course of an afternoon because I'm going to be "bad" so i might as well be really bad, then feel like all kinds of crap, let it spiral into the next day and the next and the next, then freak out and work out like crazy to undo the damage, which is really just a whole different kind of damage. So Sunday I had a cookie, with my husband, right out there in the open, I told him I felt like a cookie he said "me too", so we stopped at Mr Subb and each got a cookie and ate it. That cookie was GREAT. Sunday was a terrific day.
Talk to you soon.
6/28/06
Hi, Not much change in the maintenance arena to report. The mantaining thing has become sort of automatic. I do what I do and eat what I eat, all with out a lot of thinking about it - as far as adding up calories and such I just kind of know what I can do and get away with and what I have to make up for, etc. I have settled into some strange compulsive behaviors that have to do with weighing in and stuff, odd but harmless, I think, I do have to laugh at myself sometimes and just shake my head. I think I am starting to get over the outward manifestations of my self destructive behavior. I can really see for what it is my need to self-sabotage I recognize it when it's happening and I can usually stop if I choose to - but I don't always choose to - I have never been a fan of being told what to do even when I'm telling myself so sometimes I'm even defiant with my own common sense. I have even stopped my compulsive shopping, that's even become kind of boring, that's good yes? Although I do worry that I'm not taking pleasure in as much anymore. So even though my BEHAVIOR has become less destructive my inner monolgue has not let up on me. Inside I tell myself what ever I do it's not quite right. Either I'm not spending enough time on my life or I'm not working out enough. I'm comletely frazzled. No matter how in shape I am I'm still very unhappy with my body, I really just hate it, the droopy wrinkled deflated skin is disgusting. I work so hard, I give up so much of my life and when I look in the mirror I'm so sad. I have to keep this god awful smile on my face so no one thinks I'm unhappy or worse ungrateful and most of the time I am. I look back on my posts and I know that I usually don't post my worst feelings, I'm afraid of discouraging anyone from getting the help they need. I have days that are good a few that are great but generally I am not as happy as I was before surgery. My coping mechanism is gone and I have not been able to cultivate a new one so consequently I no longer float blissfully through life as I did before. I was truly fat but happy. Happy with everything but my body. Now I'm unhappy with everything and still not happy with my body. Yes I know before I didn't want to be seen with out my husband, I was selfconscious so I hid. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do, like golf. That's one of the reasons I had this surgery so I could golf again. Irony here - I haven't golfed once this year, I haven't had the time, I'm still hiding now I'm just in plain sight. I know that it sounds wrong but I don't know how else to explain it. There are day's that i think I've got this thing figured out but not yet. Sometimes I wish I could go back. My life was easier before.
7/11/07
This is a reply I made today to lisapisa. I thought it would make a good profile entry since I haven't updated in so long.
I know I should update because I have maintained my loss within 10 or 12 pounds, I go up and down. But I started to feel bad that I was sounding so ungrateful about the surgery and I didn't want to deter people that really need it. Things are improving but I still really miss food. I wish I could have had the DS so I would not have had to lose so much of my best friend but it wasn't an option of my surgeon or insurance. It is a hard adjustment having nothing to hide behind, and my feelings of dissatifaction have so increased now that I know I deserve more out of life and I'm not just grateful to not be ridiculed. I settled so much and was grateful for every little kindness I thought I didn't deserve ( I hope that makes sense). I know that I struggle with self sabotage, hense the up and down, but I also know that I can't unring that bell, I can never go back even though I many times miss the old me. My health is better, I look better (in clothes - naked is another can of worms) and physically I feel better so in those aspects I would recommend surgery. My mental problems are mine though and I would not want to poison anyone on the surgery because of them.
10/19/07
Hi All. Things have really changed for me in the last month, I can feel myself turning a corner and I am grateful. I went to see a personal trainer and had my metabolism measured. We reviewed my food needs (questionaire involved), my exercise program, the things that I'm doing with my diet and why those things were not working. We made adjustments for my RNY and adjustments to my nutritionists program, mainly because I exercise so much that the "3 meals a day no snack" protocol wasn't working for me. I thought I'd give it 6 weeks, how much damage could I do to myself in 6 weeks? If it didn't work I would go back the same struggle I had been dealing with. I started compulsively pre-planning and journaling my food in DETAIL. Meanwhile I give myself a day a week without a journal, trying to give myself alittle freedom and balance. I still eat well, but ... I'm trying to break the "all or nothing" mentality that got me where I was before surgery - that very same habit was keeping me unhappy. I knew that's what I did before but I was completely unaware that I was still doing that to myself on a much more deceptive level. I thought I was self destructive now, that I thought didn't deserve happines, but really I am a just creature of habit (I hope I am fully self aware now and there are no other distructive self discoveries to be made) and I just adjusted that old habit to fit the RNY thereby making it difficult for me to maintain in a way that wasn't exhausting. After the first week I was worried that I wasn't eating enough. It is very hard for me to get in the required calories when I eat whole foodand because of that the crap is gone from my diet- with small but acceptable exceptions. I am getting better tweeking things all the time. I am now at 4 weeks and I feel really good. My body feels "better" feels healthier" feels "cleaner". My mood has really improved. I'm not struggling, I'm not always fending off hunger/cravings. I tried the Time Out Plan and I still recommend it if it's used as a jumping off point to detox and start a better eating plan, not just to clean out - to start the same bad patterns over and over. So there it is, my progress so far. I will recheck this entry and myself at the New Year, let's see how I do with this after a couple of months. I suspect I have found my way.
Always,
Carla
Time Line:
01/26/05 - 63 lbs Lost
02/05/05 - 71 lbs Lost
02/23/05 - 87 lbs Lost
03/11/05 - 90 lbs Lost
04/01/05 - 100 lbs Lost
05/13/05 - 125 lbs Lost
05/31/05 - 135 lbs Lost
06/15/05 - 140 lbs Lost
07/05/05 - 151 lbs Lost
07/28/05 - 163 lbs Lost
08/05/05 - 165 lbs Lost
09/07/05 - 179 lbs Lost
09/12/05 - 182 lbs Lost (9 feet 1/4 inch gone now, too!) 44 Weeks
01/27/06 - 203 lbs Lost
04/20/06 - Maintaining!!!
6/28/06 - Maintaining
Photos
 320 I don't have any pictures at my highest weight of 362. This is still my happiest day - 11/9/2002. |
 |
 230/174 06/05 - Company Photo - Looking Better, Feeling Great./ 9/29 - 188lbs lost I can't believe that's me! |
