09-22-2009

Sep 22, 2009

Ok. I called on Monday 9/14 to check status of IMR...still pending... no answer yet.  She said I should hear something within the week.   I didn't hear anything.  So I called yesterday 9/21...still pending & no answer yet.   I'm getting more and more nervous.   The 26th will be 45 days exactly.   Hope I get an answer soon.    I've been feeling really bad lately about my weight.    I feel like I'm 100 years old... hauling all this weight around.  My back hurts, my knees hurt, my legs feel like their about to break, and my heels hurt.     I get sad thinking the dmhc will not overturn & I will be this way or worse for the rest of my life...    I dont have enough energy to do things with my kids...or take walks with my husband (because my back starts hurting).   I feel so uncomfortable with myself I dont even want to have sex anymore.  I feel sorry for my husband. 

I get frustrated because I hate eating.   Thinking about it makes me want to cry.   Going out to eat sucks..or even eating at familys house. I actually feel a bit of anxiety before eating.  I cant stand it because I eat about 1/4 of my plate....they eat 2-3 plates full.  Not saying I want to eat more, but I'm the only 300 pound person and I dont even eat that much.  And to top it all off...everyone knows I had RNY, but I'm fat!   It's so embarassing.    Nothing fits anymore.   Well let me take that back... my "before" pants fit now.  The bras I just bought 2 months ago don't fit.  Right now I'm wearing my old nursing sleep bras from 2 years ago...and even those are feeling uncomfortable. 

I can't look at myself without feeling so disgusted.  I can't stand the way I look.  I hate it.  I really do.  I wish I could rewind back 5 years & not have WLS.  Back then I didn't even feel as bad about myself.  Now it's bad because I lost & then regained it ALL back.  ALL of it.  Not 25%, not half.. not almost all.  ALL OF IT! I feel embarassed every single day. I wish I could just stay in the house and hide so no one would have to see me. 

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