cattywompos
One year post op
Oct 26, 2011
It has been one year and nearly one month since I had surgery. I can not begin to describe how my life has changed due to the weight loss. Although I feel like I haven't changed I know I have. I feel more "me" again. I am not longer hiding behind that huge shell of fat. I am getting out there and really experiencing life again, not just going through the motions. When I go out there I am actually enjoying myself, not just pretending to be.There has been alot of emotions that I have dealt with since the beginning, things that I still struggle with. Mostly the fact that even though I have lost over 100lbs I sometimes can't "see" that I have lost 100lbs. When I look in the mirror, even when I look at pics, I just don't see a big transformation. I think some of that is because I didn't see myself as being morbidly obese in the first place. I knew I was, I was ashamed I was, but when I looked in the mirror I only saw me. Pictures were a different story, fitting into society was a different story. Funny how now I am always looking for validation that I am not that person anymore.
I have some struggles. Food is still an addiction to me and I have to watch what I choose to eat more than ever now. I struglel with choices and knowing what to eat, even after all this time. Most of it because I simply do not buy myself items for me, instead I buy for the kids, what the kids would eat and those items are not sleeve/weight loss friendly. I make it work most of the time, but I know I need to work better at buying for me because ultimately buying for me will help them too. There are some things that I plain refuse to bring into the house because I know I wouldn't be able to resist and that is something I will do for the rest of my life. Never buying myself or pouring myself a glass of soda is something I will never ever allow myself to do either.
My husband had weight loss surgery 9 months after me and although I am happy for him and he looks so stinkin good, I struggle with the emotions that come with that. I am jealous of his amazing success. His weight is still plummeting while mine is pretty stagnant at this time. He has a new found self confidence while very attractive, makes me insecure at the same time. Even with all this we are absolutely more attracted to each other than ever and have formed a deeper connection that we have ever had. We are living our lives together now. Because of both our new found selves we are both getting out there and completely enjoying the world together. And even though I am completely jealous I am his biggest supporter and he is mine.
My weight loss has slowed down significantally and although I would be completely happy staying right where I am right now, I still would love to lose another 15-20lbs. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, maybe modify somethings, maybe try something like weight watchers to shake it up, see if that helps. But if I don't lose anymore that will be fine as long as I stay where I am at and not gain! I have said it before, I went into this for life. What I eat, how I eat, exercise is for life. I will forever eat protein first, all else later, stop when I am satisfied, do some form of exercise daily, stay away from treats most of the time, never buy myself a soda or pour myself a glass again. If that means staying at 196lbs for life then I am gonna be 196lbs. Better than getting down to 150 and gaining back.
With the thought of this being my end weight, I have started looking into plastic surgery. Plastics is something I actually wanted to avoid. I chose my goal weight of 170 because I thought this would leave a little fat to fill in the creases, but I guess being 304lbs did more to my body that what I thought. I have sagging skin and belly fat, flappy arms, and wrinkly saggy boobs. Not to mention my legs look like cottage cheese. It would take alot of surgery to fix all that I want, but at this point I would really like to get rid of the fat and skin around my middle. I go back and forth with having surgery because of the cost. Some days I am like "yes, do it for you" and other days I am like "you can't spend money like that on yourself".
Time will tell I guess. Time will tell on it all.
