HELP! SOMEONE... I am becoming ADDICTED!

Feb 20, 2010

***KEEP IN MIND,I USE THIS BLOG FIRST AND FOREMOST AS MY PERSONAL JOURNAL TO MYSELF ABOUT MY WLS JOURNEY! ***

LAP Gastric Bypass - NOVEMBER 23, 2009
OPEN surgery to fix twisted intestine and removed 2/3 of OLD STOMACH at 7 weeks post op

{ So now, I will be 13 weeks post op from 1st surgery in 2 days }


About 3 weeks ago, I ran out of pain medication before it was time to get a refill. Mainly I did this because I shared my medications with someone that had got hurt and needed it but did not have insurance to go to the Doctor, so, I did a NO NO and gave her some and ran out. I felt I would be OK because I WAS feeling a little better and I could go longer amounts of time without medication. It was 2 days without medication and I thought I was going to DIE. I had chills, sweating, all over body pain that would not stop, crying, screaming, unable to sleep, sit or get still at all, throwing up.. and the list goes on! I really really thought I would die! I came to the realization that I had become addicted to my pain medication. I got to thinking, I have been on pain medications for almost 3 months! I never thought about it before and never thought I would become addicted to it! I KNEW I did not EVER want this feeling again, so I made the conclusion that I was ONLY going to take my medications when it was AT LEAST 30 mins. past the time I SHOULD take it, AND, I was going to take LESS than what the Doctor said I SHOULD take. I was then going to gradually WEAN MYSELF OFF the medications and then NEVER take it again!!! I did NOT want the feeling of the withdrawals again. It really was a MILLION times worse then it seems when I read back over what I just wrote! I thought I would die! I thought I was going to have to go to the ER and tell them what going on and ASK to me admitted to a PSYCH. WARD and get some Doctors help to get over the withdrawals.... REALLY!



( the 2 holes on my stomach that I have to let drain and I have to pack until they heal from the inside out)

Well, then, I started to feel a tad bit better and tried to go the longer periods between rounds of pain medication. LOW AND BEHOLD something happens, the Doctor decided that there was another spot on my stomach that had fluid built up way down in my stomach aQ( about 5 cm deep, and that it wasn't healing right, so he had to cut me open, let the place drain and pack the hole until it heals. That was, again, the second spot that had to be done that way. This one however hurt MUCH MUCH worse than the first one. He then prescribed me the stronger liquid medication I had once had before, right after my first surgery in November. I went back to taking the medication more frequently than prescribed and I would take more than I should because I hurt so badly and if I took more, it would make it easier for me to go to sleep and sleep off the pain. I couldn't bear to even be awake because the pain was SO BAD!

Well, the pain is better. Not gone, not in the least, but it is better. However, now, I truly believe that I am addicted to the pain medications. The past 3 days I have tried to go longer and longer without the medication. I did really really good Thursday and Friday and ALL DAY TODAY, until just a little while ago. My husband changed my dressings and for some reason the pain was really bad tonight. I knew I had to go ahead and take my pain medication. It was time for it, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't help myself from taking double the amount I should have. Then, I sat the bottle down, and damn it, I picked it right back up and took another dose of double! I felt so guilty, so bad, I cussed myself out. I went in the bathroom, cried my eyes out. Fussed myself out some more, and thought I needed to start writing this down, here, in my blog. I had done so well, I thought, the past 2 days and all day today, and now I go and mess it ALL UP! I don't know if I can start over fresh tomorrow or not. If I try to go the longer time between doses, am I gonna feel like shit again? Am I gonna get chills or feel the all over body pain?

I know some of you that may read this are thinking, "It's just body pain, it can't be that bad!" Let me tell you, that withdrawal period was the worse pain I have ever felt. It is unlike any pain I have ever had before. It is so bad I WANT to NOT become addicted to medications.. Not that I shouldn't WANT to anyway, but, I am really trying here and REALLY AND TRULY having a HARD TIME coming off these medications. I am just at a loss. I don't know if some or ANYONE of you out there really ever read my posts, but if not, this is just my bLog anyway, and I print it to keep in a book about my WLS, but on the other hand, I hope there is someone out there that can help me before I really lose my mind and get to a point that I am worse off than I am now.

I just want to be able to STOP the medications and take them like they should be taken and stop when I should be able to stop and NOT have the withdrawals.


Anyway, I will continue my journey, I will continue to try and wean myself and not beat myself up to much more over this. I am trying to do the best I can, but if there are any tricks out there to get me through this that you know of, PLEASE, let me know!

Hope that this is a wonderful weekend for all!

Love and MANY many huggs.... CARROLL

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