celticfaery

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I had an exellent weekend.

It started out with coffee at a little shop with some of my fellow sleeve sisters and a butt-load of new clothes.  After I left there, I went to a friend's house and I helped her clean her entire house from top to bottom.  Not that she isn't capable, but she's the single mom to 3 girls and being overweight on top, I know and understand her struggles.  It felt great to help her start fresh...

That took up my ENTIRE day Saturday...

Sunday, I spent the day in my room.  I had been bagging up clothes to sell at a garage sale, but it just never seems to happen and I just keep adding more and more clothes to the pile and before I knew it, I was swimming in clothes that no longer held a purpose in my wardrobe.  Considering that I'm in an 18/20 now, there's no reason why I need to hold onto 7 boxes of 5x clothes...  ugh.  I cleaned out my closet and finally pulled out the things that no longer fit me...  it was harder than I thought to part with some things.  I had some "Favorite" shirts in there that I didn't want to give away.  So I gave them to my friend...  I can still enjoy them through her now... LOL!

I have 6 bags of clothes in my car...  GARBAGE bags FULL!  To give to a lady here at work.  I can't believe the weight that feels lifted from my shoulders just by giving away clothes.  Emotionally, it's kinda hard to part with it.  But I know I'll never need them again.  I know that I'll never be that person again. 

During all my cleaning and purging, I came across a picture of Brandon and I.  We were about to go to his work christmas party.  This was in Dec. of 2006 and I see how big I was...  It just floored me.  I knew I was big...  but this was huge.  I looked at the picture and I looked in the mirror and I just cried. 

So needless to say, I was even more motivated than I was before to get the clothes out.  It's so awesome that I can actually stand in my closet instead of leaning over bags or climbing over boxes to get to my clothes.  I could lay down in my closet if I wanted to now... LOL!  don't think that hasn't crossed my mind before...  (Mommy needs a time-out...  LOL)

So I'm on a roll...  I've got most of it going out today...  On Wednesday, i'm bringing the rest to Goodwill.  I've got new clothes to go with the new hair.  I'm feeling GREAT!  I don't think I've ever felt so motivated during this entire journey.  I've ONLY got 87 pounds left and compared to what I've lost already, 87 is just pocket change.

I had a really sweet NSV yesterday too.  While I was swimming in the clothes, I was catching up on laundry.  Last night after Brandon got home from work, he was helping me hang up the clothes.  Most were mine with just a few of his in the mix.  He kept holding up the shirts that were mine.  I asked him what he was doing.  He told me he was admiring how "SMALL" the shirts were.  He just couldn't get over how small my shirts look.  Man that felt good. 

I so need to work on a plan.  I would love to be at goal by christmas this year, but considering how slow my weightloss is going, I don't know if that's possible.  It probably would be if I exercised more, so that is definitely on my list of things to change.  I'm starting to work on it now.  We got a Wii for christmas and I got the Outdoor Adventure thing for the kids and it's got some exercising things on there and TALK ABOUT FUN!!!!!  Wii Fit's are impossible to come by right now so that will be out of the question for now.  I have a friend that I want to go walking with, but trying to coordinate with her has been tough.  And the scale isn't helping either.  I keep hugging around 240...  My body really likes this weight, but unfortunately I don't.  So onward to other things... 

I can't wait to get to goal.  It finally seems within reach...  One day at a time though...  Right?

= )

2005 - Probably close to 400 here


2007 - almost 7 months post-op down around 125 pounds lost


2008 - 18 months post-op down 187 pounds

2 years ago, it started it all... We were at my husband's grandparents house for their Christmas celebration.  I was sitting in the living room when I felt this wave of nausea come over me.  My chest and arms tingled...  I went to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and hoped that it would pass...  It only got worse and more frequent...  I told DH we needed to leave. 

I went straight to bed, where my mind raced...  I thought the worse.  I wanted to tell him where I had hid his Christmas present.  I feared that if I went to sleep that night I wouldn't wake up.  The waves kept coming.  My entire body shook...  it was the scariest thing I've ever lived through.

I (obviously) made it through the night.  My husband had to work so I was alone with the girls.  I still felt these waves of tingles through my chest and arms.  I called my mother-in-law to see if she could keep the girls for me while I went to the urgent care center.  I got there and they almost wouldn't see me in case I was at some cardiac risk.  They wanted me to drive to the ER...  I pleaded with them to see me and if they still thought I needed the ER then I would go. 

They called my name and I stepped on the scale...  425 pounds...  That was the pivotal moment that everything changed...  (outcome was panic attacks...  Sent me for EKG's and a heart echo and everything came back normal.  They put me on anti-anxiety's and I was fine)  I'm getting off topic here, but I wanted to add my thought process in this moment...  How did I manage to make it to 425 pounds and not have a single co-morbidity.  No high BP, no diabetes, no high cholesterol...  nothing.  All of my bloodwork always came back normal.  BP was always on the high side of normal, but still normal none-the-less.  I was even smoking at this time and a chest x-ray showed my lungs to be perfectly clear.  How had I managed to dodge my way out of this...  and I was at the Dr's office for what I prayed was not a heart attack...  it was meerly a bad case of anxiety.  But what was I feeling anxious over.  Apparently, I was fearing what was about to catch up with me.  I knew it was right around the corner.  When I saw 425 on that scale, I knew something had to change.  I had to change. 

Sorry for the detour...  back to the story...

Fast forward to Christmas at the grandparents in-law last year.  I was 6 months post-op and already down over 100 pounds.  I felt good.  I felt like I looked great.  I figured that the difference from the year past they would be awestruck...

Not a word.  No one said a thing.  Of course I was crushed. 

Fast forward to yesterday...  My husband had to work so I would be taking the girls by myself.  I had bought a new shirt for the occasion.  6x in 2006, 28 in 2007, 18 in 2008.  The shirt I got was so cute and so not something I would normally wear.  Being the lumpy person I am now, I never would have grabbed a top with form fitted pleats and a feaux corset vest with hook and eye closures all the way up the front.  It was sexy and sophisticated...  (my camera broke...  I should be getting my new one in today.  I'll take a pic as soon as I can and post it).  After I bought it, I tried it on for my hubby and he sure did like it.  ALOT...  LOL!

I debated on not going.  I didn't want to put myself through all that again.  I'm sure it was nothing personal, it's just how they are...  but after coming so far, it's hard not to be hurt over something like that.  But, I went anyway...

I drove up and parked on the street.  I walked up the driveway and there were a few people standing outside and they just stared at me.  I don't think they knew who I was until they saw the girls...  LOL!  Everyone ran outside to greet me and tell me how great I looked.  It felt so good that they finally noticed.  No one asked how much I lost, but it was just nice that they actually noticed this time. 

I have had such a struggle with all of the physical changes that have gone along with this journey...  from one extreme to the next...  from not seeing it, to seeing it, and then seeing it with all the skin attached, and then not seeing it anymore...  it's frustrating.  Especially when you start out as big as I was.  To be 18 months out and start out at 425, it's so different to be 18 months out and start out at 250.  My journey is no where near the end, but a moment like yesterday really made it all the more worth it.

To compare the differences from Dec. 2006 to Dec. 2008, it's insane.  The thought of doing anything on my own with the girls was just exhausting.  They are 13 months apart, almost 4 and 5 now.  I went from a 6-7x to an 18/20.  from 425 pounds to 237.  From 11ww sandals year round to cute size 9 regular heels.  From long skirts that hid the fact that my stomach reached my knees to a pair of black dressy capri's.  From barely being able to make it up the driveway without being so out of breath, I thought I'd pass out, to walking up in confidence in heels...  LOL!  From sitting in the corner keeping to myself, to talking and striking up my own conversations with whoever passes by my way.

I can honestly tell you that the VSG saved my life.  And it's days like yesterday that confirmed it.  To be able to feel so good about myself...  even if they hadn't said a word like last time...  I know it didn't matter how I looked...  I felt fantastic!  And to me, that's better than anything else in the world.

Thanks for reading...  Sorry it was so long.  = )

I know this is a day early, but I wanted to put this out there for all the newbies to see.  Not only do I want to reflect on this past year, but I want everyone to know what the year before was like too… 

I was a stay at home mom…  But I say that I was more like a stay at home lump because lumps don’t do much other than take up space.  That was my life.  I couldn’t do things for my kids because it hurt to stand for long periods of time.  I couldn’t clean because it took everything out of me just to walk from one side of the house to the other.  I couldn’t do wifely duties with my husband because I was just so big.  Everything was awkward and uncomfortable and of course, I hated how I looked…  and that affected my sexual relationship with my husband.   

All of this translated into eating more.  We all know that vicious cycle.  I know mine was to an extreme…  I was talking with a good friend yesterday, just going over some of the things that I used to eat…  It broke my heart to remember those days and to remember the miserable person that I was.   

I wanted to share with you the way my life used to be… 

Because I was so ashamed of how I was, I isolated…  I would go weeks or even a month at a time without leaving the house.  My poor girls…  No wonder they felt so cooped up all the time.  I would eat and eat…  I used to buy the Lender’s 5 Bagel packs and when the girls went to take their nap, I’d eat the whole thing, with cream cheese and country crock smeared all over it.   

The few times I did go out, it would be to fast food restaurants…   

Subway: I would get 2 foot long meals.  Wheat extra extra mayo, ham, lettuce, and pickles…  and then I’d get the other one the same, but with oil and vinegar and salt and pepper so they didn’t think that both were for me.  I would eat everything at one sitting…  2 foot long sandwiches, 2 baggies of chips and 2 21oz soda’s… 

Burger King:  I’d get the double whopper value meal king sized with a root beer.  Fully dressed with extra mayo.  And a double stacker on the side.  Then when I got home, I’d make a big bowl of mayo and ketchup to dip everything in.  All of that in one sitting. 

Sonic:  Sonic was similar to BK…  Double sonic burger meal, fully dressed with extra mayo, sonic sized with tots and a Route 44 cherry coke…  AND a foot long chili cheese coney.  All dipped in mayo and ketchup when I got home…  One meal. 

Taco Bell :  Chicken taco salad, Mexican pizza, and another 2-3 burrito’s of some kind.  One meal… 

Papa Johns:  One large cheese pizza no sauce, 4 containers of cheese sauce and ½ an order of cheese sticks…  One meal!! 

You get the gist now…  I gorged…  in addition to practically eating all day.  All of this made for a miserable existence.  And of course, after eating all of that, I’d feel guilty and eat more.  Vicious cycle… 

That doesn’t include the few times during the month when my husband and I would gorge on cookies, ice cream and cakes…  

It’s so sad to look at the person that I had to become in order to make this change.  It’s clear that I was consumed by my hunger.  It was like being chained to a tether and every time I tried to get away from it, it would pull me back in.  I never lasted more than 2-3 weeks on any one diet.  Never losing more than 20 pounds at any given time.  Although there was one time that I lost 30 pounds in 2 months when I was in high school…  I was 17 and I went to a weight loss clinic where they put me on Phen Fen.  At 17… 

I was so lucky that at 425 pounds the only problems I had were joint pain.  I had no health problems other than bursitis in both of my hips, foot and back pain…  I was 24 when they told me that.  Chronic Bursitis…  24!!!  I’m 27 now…  No telling where I would have been at 30, had I not done this. 

For a while there, I had just resolved in my mind that I was meant to be fat and miserable.  There was no purpose to my life.  I was the one person who had no meaning.  I had lost hope and settled into despair.  

I’d had a scare in Dec. of 06.  I had a panic attack, which I thought was a heart attack…  But seeing 425 on the scale at the Dr’s office…  I knew something had to give.   

I saved my life when I got my sleeve.  I think more-so than anyone will ever realize.  

And this year has been such a rollercoaster of emotions.  From all the NSV’s to all of the little weight milestones along the way.  To re-introducing myself to the world through happy eyes.  To go from being alone and isolated, to being surrounded by wonderful, beautiful friends who are supportive, understanding, non-judgmental and can relate to my every stumble, every victory, every whatever along the way.  

I look back to the year before this new life, and I am thankful that I don’t live that life anymore.  I was released from the prison that my hunger created.  Now I am able to create the life I always wanted, disserved…  One full of meaning and purpose.

I feel so free.

Forgot to update my update...  LOL!  Here it is!!


original post: 5/30/08
Here's the recap...

Did bad...  Didn't watch carbs or sodium intake.  Gained 7 pounds.  Probably mostly water weight, but I'm not justifying it...  a gain is a gain no matter how you look at it.

I got myself back on track.  Back to basics...  Protein protein protein, low fat, low carbs and a butt load of water (90+ oz's a day now). 

And here's the update...

In 7 days I have lost 8 pounds...  AND!!!!  Check out my ticker!!!  DOUBLE DIGITS PEOPLE!!!  99 pounds left to GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing that number...  omg, I just cried...  Going from 425 pounds...  Needing to lose atleast 275 pounds...  it just seems so overwhelming at times.  It's just an awesome feeling to know that the end is finally in sight.  99 pounds left...  

I'm short so I can probably stand to lose another 25 on top of that, but I'm sticking with my 150 goal until I get there...  My surgeon only wanted me to get under 200...  I'm 50 pounds away from his goal.

So that's it...  176 gone forever...  99 to go...  

Stay tuned...  It's gonna be one hell of a ride...  LOL!!!

ALSO...  Speaking of ride...  Sunday (6/1/08) I bought a bike!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!  i'll let you know how that goes.  I went riding that afternoon a few times and it really was like riding a bike.  I was a little shakey at first, but finally got the hang of it...  without needing training wheels!!  LOL!

I posted the below blog entry on a post.  Thought I should put it here for future reference.  Thought I should post an update.

Since Friday, 5/23/08, I've been trying to better my eating, exercise and get back on track.  Of the 7 pounds I gained, I've only lost 2.  Still at 255.  All the extra carbs have got the hunger demon grumbling in my belly.  But it's much better today than it was yesterday.  Carbs really are the devil and play a huge factor in the levels of hunger we feel.  

I am starting to feel better.  I could physically feel the effects of the water retention and I feel it start to subside.  

My level of activity still isn't where I want it to be, but I guess you have to start somewhere, right?  All weekend, I was up and moving.  For Memorial Day, yesterday, we were hardly in the house.  We got a little blow up pool for the girls and I sat out and worked on my tan...  Got to sweat out some of that excess fluid too...  Man was it hot!!!  Cutting the grass, dancing with the girls, weights and crunches with my husband....  I feel it was a really productive weekend.  I'm a bit dissapointed that the extra isn't coming off as fast as I'd like, but I guess it's a good punishment.  A lesson needed to be learned.

I wish losing this last hundred was as easy as losing the first 175.  It just feels like all of a sudden it's such hard work.  I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be easy...  but you just kinda get used to watching the scale go down without much effort.  

I know what I need to do though.  And I'm working on changing my lifestyle up again.  It's time, too.  I've been sedintary for far too long.  Being this way is what helped me get to the point where I was.  It's time for another drastic change.

I just keep thinking that if I could get a bike, it would be easier.  But I don't want to sit around and do nothing until that time comes.  But at the same time, I want that time to be now...  We are also looking at getting a Wii with the Wii Fit.  My husband and I both think that if we can make exercise more fun then we would be more inclined to do it.  But not just do it, but do it often and stick with it longer.  We played his sis-in-law's Wii a few months ago and I remember how much fun it was and how sore we were for the few days after.  But all of that will have to wait till we get our stimulus package toward the end of June.

I guess that's all the update I've got for now. 

I know I posted about getting my butt back into gear last week...  but even after I posted, I still couldn't get motivated.  I knew the scale was creeping back up.  I could feel it.  But I didn't do anything about it.  I sat down with my bag of sunflower seeds and proceded to eat 3/4th of the entire bag in one sitting.  This was one of those big bags!  When I realized how many I had eaten, I was just sick to my stomach...  How could I let myself do that?  How could I consciously allow myself to go back to doing something that I used to do 1 year ago?  It was easier than I thought.

Since I got back from my trip to arizona, I just kinda let things slip.  Then I had that trip to Florida for my sister-in-law's wedding and of course our favorite thing to do on road trips is to eat sunflower seeds.  I justified it by saying that I would need the water retention so I wouldn't get dehydrated so easily...  boy am I stupid for believing that...  All it did was open a whole can of worms.  I had found something that I could sit and eat for HOURS without feeling the restriction...  (giving myself a stupid slap)

Of course, the excess sodium and carbs have made me feel hungrier than I was, so I started eating more often...  snacking...  grazing...

Before I knew it, I had gained 7 pounds.

In just a matter of a few weeks too...  Friday morning when I saw 257 on the scale, I just wanted to scream, tear my hair out, throw something...  I was just soooooo angry with myself.  I could see what I was doing.  I knew it...  I posted about it...  I just chose not to do anything about it.  So Friday, I made myself go up and down the stairs while things were slow.  Limited the carbs, cut out some of the snacks... Yesterday, I REALLY limited the carbs and mowed the lawn.  This morning, I was back down to 255.  I'm planning on mowing the back yard this morning and attempting to stick with protein shakes and maybe a South Beach meal for either lunch or dinner.  But shakes the rest of the day.

I take total responsibility for the choices that I made.  I realize that they were really bad ones and for all the wrong reasons.  

We are human and definitely not infallible.  We are flawed...  and even more so because of our constant feelings of failure throughout the years when it comes to our weight and losing it.  But I wanted you all to know this because not once (this time) have I felt like a failure.  I did at the beginning, feel like I would be the only failure at this...  but I think that's something that we have all felt.  But now that I'm in it, I refuse to actually BE a failure.  Sure I've been disapointed with myself...  but never felt like a failure...  EVEN when I managed to gain 7 pounds...  

This was a decision that we all made consciously and informatively...  We knew the risks...  we took that leap.  Don't let your past failures (or lack of successes) dictate how you live this new life!  We have been given the chance to start over...  Be it...  Live it...  Own it...  It's yours for the taking.

I believe in the Sleeve!

	Date	Weight	Date	Weight	Date	Weight	Date	Weight
	April	420lbs	January	283lbs	March	268lbs	April	258lbs
	2007		2008		2008		2008		difference
Forehead	24		21.5		21.5		21.5		2.5
Neck	17.5		15		14		14		3.5
Boobs	62.5		50		48.5		46		16.5
Ribcage	54		40		39.25		38		16
Waist	66		54		52		48		18
Hips	74		63		60.5		59.5		14.5
Arm	21		16		15.25		13		8
Wrist	8		6.5		6.5		6.25		1.75
Thigh	30		24.5		24.5		22.5		7.5
Calf	20.5		18.25		17.5		17		3.5
Ankle	11.5		9.75		9.5		9		2.5
Total lost			70.5		80		94.25

	Date	Weight	Date	Weight	Date	Weight
	April	420lbs	January	283lbs	March	268lbs
	2007		2008		2008		difference
Forehead	24		21.5		21.5		2.5
Neck	17.5		15		14		3.5
Boobs	62.5		50		48.5		14
Ribcage	54		40		39.25		14.75
Waist	66		54		52		12
Hips	74		63		60.5		13.5
Arm	21		16		15.25		5.75
Wrist	8		6.5		6.5		2.5
Thigh	30		24.5		24.5		5.5
Calf	20.5		18.25		17.5		3
Ankle	11.5		9.75		9.5		2
Total lost			70.5		80

I have a wedding shower to attend tomorrow.  This is for my best friend from high school.  I haven't seen her in about 2 years or so.  Well, other than running into last Saturday at Chili's... LOL!  I had run into her mom about a week before my surgery and haven't seen her since.  

I needed something new to wear.  I've got some nice clothes, but I needed a new black skirt to wear with them...  So I went looking for a black skirt.  I found a cute one that fit very nicely and a top that was $10 on clearance.   It was really cute, but if felt safe.  Can't go wrong with a blue top and black skirt.  I wanted something different...  I wear skirts because most pants are too long for my short legs and I don't have time to hem something right now.  I fought the urge to settle and kept looking for something else.  I just got this cute and funky haircut.  Just got off the phone with the vision center and my glasses are READY!!!!!!!!!  I need something cute to go with them.

Let me be the first to say, I hate my legs.  I've got cankles from hell...  well I did...  I still see them that way, but my husband tells me different.  I decided to bit the bullet and go for a cute pair of khaki capri's and I found this adorable chocolate brown top with a square neck and it ties in the back.  AND I found an adorable pair of shoes that just match it perfectly!

This is totally not something that I would EVER wear ANYWHERE.  But man-o-man...  I've got to start getting in my head that my body is changing and that I don't look the same anymore.  I'm so self-conscious all the time.  I don't want to.  I want to feel that confidence that I know is in there somewhere.  

Anyway, I'll post some pics when I'm all dressed up for tomorrow!  I sooo can't wait!!!!!!!

Crap...  edited to say the capri's were 24's!!!  top was 22/24 and shoes were a 9!!!