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I know it’s stupid… and I know I should be happier… and trust me I am happy, but why is it I’m still so discouraged with my weight loss? It’s been nine months… I know I look a ton better. But I take pictures and measurements and I still feel like it’s “not enough”. For goodness sakes I’ve lost nearly fifty inches total! But I want so much more. I’ve lost nearly 100 lbs and I want so much more…    I have a hard time being happy when I look at my pics and still see stupid things. Like do you know how hard I worked to have my stomach smaller than my chest???? Now, my stomach is bigger than my chest again! What’s up with that???? I just try so hard not to be critical, but yet I am. I don’t want to over-focus. But yet I do. I struggle with being slightly obsessed, so I try so hard not to be. I think that’s why I’ve been stuck at my 92 pound loss, because I don’t know where to stop… and I think “oh I need to lose about 40-60 more pounds.” But then I have people tell me “no, you only need to lose about 20 lbs”. What if I don’t agree? What if I think they all see me as the person I was a year ago and see how much better I look now? Yes, I look better, yes I look healthier. But I also need to be a realistic weight. Not just “look better than I used to.” Does that make any sense??   I don’t know… then there is the flip side of me that says “everyone says you look great… just stay where you are and be happy with it… quit looking at your pics and criticizing yourself!”   But I do anyway. And I think I always will.    So, tomorrow I go for my 9 month visit with my nutritionist… I guess we’ll see what she has to say. I do know I need to get back on track with a few things… like drinking water and going back to the gym. I think if I went back to the gym I’d feel better about myself all together. I kind of miss it anyways. We’ll see…   Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I guess this is just something I have to learn to work through… not to mention all the other internal struggles that go along with this!   If you’re interested, I’ve posted new pics… and here are my current measurements.    

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08	6/23/08	7/22/08	8/22/08	1/22/09
Neck	17	17	16	15.25	15	14
Upr Arms	16	15.5	14	14	14	12.5
Lwr Arms	11.5	11	10.5	10.25	10	9.75
Chest	49	49	48.5	47	46	43.75
Waist	52.75	51	48.25	48	45	42.25
Hips	51.5	46	45	43	41.5	39
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75	40.75	38.5	38.5	35.5
Thigh 1x	27	26	26	25.25	24.75	21.5
Calf	16.25	16.25	16.25	16.75	16.5	15.5
Bra	44C	42C	42C	40C	38C	36C
Shirts	22/24	18/20	18/20	XL	XL	L
Jeans	24	20	20	18	16	12
Underware	11	10	10	8	7	6
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W	10	10	10	9.5

 

not much time to write becuase I wrote this big long thing and then lost it!  errr  but here are my mesurements

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08	6/23/08	7/22/08	8/22/08
Neck	17	17	16	15.25	15
Upr Arms	16	15.5	14	14	14
Lwr Arms	11.5	11	10.5	10.25	10
Chest	49	49	48.5	47	46
Waist	52.75	51	48.25	48	45
Hips	51.5	46	45	43	41.5
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75	40.75	38.5	38.5
Thigh 1x	27	26	26	25.25	24.75
Calf	16.25	16.25	16.25	16.75	16.5
Bra	44C	42C	42C	40C	38B
Shirts	22/24	18/20	18/20	XL	XL
Jeans	24	20	20	18	16
Underware	11	10	10	8	7
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W	10	10	10

Wow, it's been three whole months!  I can't believe it!  I was adding up the totals I've lost in inches too!  22 inches total!  It's amazing how quickly this is happening.  I'm doing really well so far, I've been able to tolerate most every food.  I eat "normal" sized portions.  and enjoy pretty much whatever I want.  I've learned that if I want it, I'm going to allow myself to have it too.  I know that seems silly, but after talking to my nutritionist last week she said this is the perfect attitude to have.  It's not like I go overboard either.  It's like, I had a coffee for my birthday, ate some of my moms potatoe salad, that sort of thing.  Heck, I wanted chips one day so I had a small handfull.  But overall I am keeping myself to about 1000 to 1200 calories.  I work out three to four days a week at the local gym (strength training and 30 min cardio) and still walk for 20 min nearly  every day during my morning break at work too.

I never thought I'd be able to get this far... heck... I haven't weighed this in I don't know HOW long... and in 10.5 lbs I'll be at 199.9!!!  finally in onederland!  My goal is to hit this by the Tuesday after Labor Day.  I think I can do it too! 

I've updated my photos.  I had to wear some different clothes as the original ones I was using were WAY too big and didn't really show much of my nasty flesh anyway.  :)  So I'll use this outfit for now.  The pants fit perfectly, which is a bummer cuz I actually wanted tight ones for pics!  LOL  either way, I'm down a little over 12 lbs this last month.  My weight loss has finaly started to slow down... to about 1 to 2 lbs a week... what the average is.  and I'm okay with that.  :)

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08	6/23/08	7/22/08
Neck	17	17	16	15.25
Upr Arms	16	15.5	14	14
Lwr Arms	11.5	11	10.5	10.25
Chest	49	49	48.5	47
Waist	52.75	51	48.25	48
Hips	51.5	46	45	43
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75	40.75	38.5
Thigh 1x	27	26	26	25.25
Calf	16.25	16.25	16.25	16.75
Bra	44C	42C	42C	40C
Shirts	22/24	18/20	18/20	XL
Jeans	24	20	20	18
Underware	11	10	10	9
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W	10	10

Wow!  i can't believe it's been two months already!  A lot of things have changed for me and it's amazing how good I feel.  I have to be honest though and say I have been slightly dissapointed with my weight loss.  I think I had some misconceptions though of how quickly it would come off.  Don't get me wrong... it's still coming off.  But I guess I just thought I would be eating super small portions for a longer period of time!  

On that note, I have really struggled with eating.  Not in the negative sense with wanting bad food choices... but with the quantity.  I am terrified I am eating too much.  It's so amazing the head game this surgery plays with you.  For the longest time I was eating only 600-700 calories.  And then I started FEELING like I was eating too much.  I got on the scale that week and had gained 1.4 lbs.  I almost cried.  Now, keep in mind I'm someone who only gets on the scale once a week!  Deep inside I always knew I could gain periodically.  But to feel like I was eating too much and THEN gain weight?  no fair!  It had confirmed my worse fears.  That I was messing up.  All these old thoughts came back to haunt me.  It's just like every other diet.  after 6-8 weeks it stops working! Only that's not true... I knew that... but getting myself to beleive it was a whole new story.  I did a smart thing though and called my nutritionist.  We had a nice talk and she assured me I was fine.  She even told me I NEEDED to be at 1000 calories now, especially since I was working out on a regular basis.  I felt a ton better.  I love having that resource!

Anyway, I've taken new pics (in my folder) but I've realized I need to start wearing capris that fit now.  This last pic the capris were so loose you couldn't really see any of the changes in my body as well.  And I knew there were changes as I have been taking my measurements.  :)  So, new pics are posted and below are my new measurements:

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08	6/23/08
Neck	17	17	16
Upr Arms	16	15.5	14
Lwr Arms	11.5	11	10.5
Chest	49	49	48.5
Waist	52.75	51	48.25
Hips	51.5	46	45
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75	40.75
Thigh 1x	27	26	26
Calf	16.25	16.25	16.25
Bra	44C	42C	42C
Shirts	22/24	18/20	18/20
Jeans	22	20	20
Underware	18/20	14/16	14/16
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W	10

So it's been one month since surgery!  Wow!  Time goes by so quickly!  I'm finally on soft foods! yea!  Soft foods is a lot more enjoyable than you may think!  I used to think that meant everything would be yogurt, mashed potatoes, etc.  nope!  I can have saltine crackers, egg salad, omlets, lunch meat, etc.  Much nicer!   I had my follow-up with the surgeon this last Monday and he said everything is looking great!  I'm so happy I did this and feel so good about myself too.  I already have more energy and can see the smart choices I am making in my life.  I am back to work now (blah) and that is a totally different transition!  lol  Once you get used to staying up and waking up whenever you want, it's hard to go back to working 10-hour shifts! 

I've lost 25.8 lbs since surgery, and a total of 42.5 since Sept '07.  I've posted one month pics, and here are my other stats:

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08
Neck	17	17
Upr Arms	16	15.5
Lwr Arms	11.5	11
Chest	49	49
Waist	52.75	51
Hips	51.5	46
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75
Thigh 1x	27	26
Calf	16.25	16.25
Bra	44C	42C
Shirts	20/22	18/20
Jeans	22	20
Underware	18/20	14/16
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W

Ok, so I'm two weeks post-op.  I think I pulled that muscle... you know the huge one they cut into during surgery?  This is the muscle I forgot I owened.  The one that when you were a kid and ran... hurt like a you-know-what??  yea, that muscle.  I still have it!

Well I took a nap two days ago and the phone rang.  So I was lazy and stretched for it.  I felt it pull a little, but didn't think anything of it.  I talked on the phone, hung up and fell asleep.  Woke up and WOW.  It's not like muscle pain.  It feels like a sharp pain... like my muscle is being pulled apart!  Not the crampy pain either!  sheesh!

I took it easy that night and yesterday.  And today it's a TON better, if not completely gone.  But wow!  I was kind of scared for a bit there!  Thought about calling the doc, but because it was so much better this morning decided against it.  

Either way... don't be stupid like me and think "wow I'm doing so great I can do things like I used to!"  DUH  obviously not!  That was not fun!

Today marks two weeks since my surgery.  Things are starting to go a lot better and I'm starting to feel more "normal".  It's rather nice.  I still get tired really easily, but am down to only a short nap each day.  I try to take one to two 15 min walks each day.  I'm rather slow, but it's the trying that counts.  I stopped taking my pain medication about four days ago and it's been nice to have one of us being mobile!  As much as I thought I'd enjoy being home, I'm actually really starting to get bored. 
 
For those who care, I've actually lost 19lbs.  I can't actually say this is "since surgery" as the weight I'm using is from the week before.  When I weighed myself before surgery I was significantly lighter, but that was more than likely due to the three day clear liquid diet they'd had me on!  So, to me, I've lost 19lbs since my pre-op class three weeks ago.  Now, you'd think because I've lost nearly 20lbs I'd be in a smaller size, feeling my clothes get smaller.  Nope.  I tried to put on some jeans this last Sunday and they were rather tight.  When I sat down I felt as though all of my insides were being smooshed out.  It was not comfortable.  I've come to realize that although I feel great, I still am rather swollen inside.  The places I am noticing the weight loss are the places that wouldn't be swollen.  My wedding ring has gotten significantly loose, and my face has started to thin out.  With the research I've done, I've found out I probably won't be able to wear jeans until I'm about four or five weeks out.
 
Today I started the pureed part of my diet.  I have to say, I'm not really excited about this.  But it was rather nice to have something with a different texture other than liquid!  However as much as I like cottage cheese, the visual of pureed cottage cheese was about enough to do me in.  ...I can't stand smooshy foods.  I can do this though.  It's only two weeks and it's very important to teach my stomach how to digest and process new foods again. 
 
I go back to the surgeon on the 19th for my follow-up to make sure all is well.  I am certain it is.  I've been really good about not lifting, pushing, pulling or anything more than 10lbs.  My incisions are healing wonderfully, and I had very little bruising from them.  
 

Wow it happened.  And what a crazy thing too.  I have told myself I am going to be 100% honest in these posts because I feel it’s helpful for the next person who may read it who’s on their journey as well!  So, I know a lot of you want to know the details, I’m a details person myself… so this will probably be a longer post than my norm.  I also did post my before pics, and added one of my incisions.  The incisions look great honestly, I’ve seen others on here that scared me.  I think mine look good!

Surprisingly I slept great the night before surgery.  I woke up still sooo incredibly excited.  I couldn’t believe it was really happening.  I didn’t have to check in to the hospital until 11:30am, so we got things finished up at home and took our dogs to Doggie Daycare.  I was, however, dying of thirst the entire morning.  For someone like me who typically drinks 120 oz of water/fluid a day, to go from nothing at midnight was killing me.  My skin was so dry, and my mouth felt like cotton!  We stopped at my moms to pick her up.  She was going to follow us up to the hospital.  Since I never did get that Advanced Directive done (very irresponsible I know) I had a short and sweet talk with John and her.  I don’t think John liked me even bringing up the possibility of death, but I needed to share with them my wishes and tell them the last thing I wanted was them arguing about things.  Got that over with and we headed out the door!  I never got nervous until we hit Marshall .  Which is the street the hospital is on. 

Arrived at the hospital at 11:15 and checked in to main admitting.  They went over some papers with me, gave me my hospital bracelet and told me to wait in the room and they’d see if they were ready for me.  About 20 min later a nurse came out and walked with us down to the “short stay” area.  Short stay is very similar looking to an ER only less crazy.  There are little rooms with a bed and a chair set up and you’re given a room number.  I was in number 15.  I was instructed to remove all my clothing and put on the ever wonderful hospital gown, along with their nice skid-resistant slippers.  Then we waited some more.  I was still nervous at this point, but was starting to calm down a little.  They went over some more stuff with me, told me the wait would be about 2 hours and that they needed to do a pregnancy test first and that was the longest one to get back.  They also wanted to start an IV.  Okay, I don’t do well with IV’s and the last time it took them five pokes to get one in me!  I shared this information, and so they did it in two.  But choose to do the second one in a spot they knew they could get, the inside of my wrist!  Blah!  But I tell you what, having an IV really hydrates you!  I couldn’t believe how quickly I had to go to the bathroom.  Then I felt like an old person walking around with my hospital gown and IV bag!  Sheesh. 

Honestly, though, the two hours or so went rather quickly.  The anesthesiologist came in later and asked if I had any questions, I didn’t… but man he had some cheesey jokes.  Really bad ones, like the ones seven and eight year old boys tell!  But I tell you what, I think they worked because I instantly relaxed.  

The surgeon came by a little later and told me I was next in line.  Asked if I had any questions, talked to my mom and John and explained where he would find them after surgery, and the whole bit.  Eventually a nurse came in to get me and wheeled me away!  I said good bye to John and my mom and was whisked away to an ICE cold operating room!  Wow.  I knew they had to keep that stuff sterile, but that is COLD.  I didn’t get nervous again until I saw that operating room door though.  (I think I watch too much Grey’s Anatomy).  They transferred me to the operating table and the anesthesiologist came up and started in with his jokes again.  He also asked me why I was doing surgery.  So I told him.  Honestly, I remember getting my answer out… but that’s the last thing I remember.  The next thing I know I woke up to some man screaming and crying and I was in the recovery room.

The man screaming I assumed wasn’t doing as well as I was.  I was so in and out of it.  They asked if I was in pain, I said yes, they introduced me to my morphine drip.  This was a gift from God.  I guess I woke enough and was stabilized enough, because they took me to my room.  This was an adventure I was not expecting to have.  I saw John and was sooo happy to see him, but he did not look happy.  The first thing he said was that he wasn’t going to get to stay with me.  I was upset.  He was upset.  My mom was too. See, the bariatric patients are supposed to have their own rooms.  But apparently they had too many patients still in the hospital and no more private rooms.  I would be sharing a room with someone and there was no where for John to sleep.  Turns out, as I later found out, I had the worst room mate too.  She was a junkie.  Joy.  My mom and the nurses did work really hard on finding somewhere for John to stay, and eventually went against protocol and brought him a recliner.  It was very cramped in our room, but John and I felt better being together.  I think my mom felt better too.  Because after they said they’d get him a room, she headed home.  The other thing John told me right away was that I'd had a hiatal hernia and the surgeon was able to fix that while he was in there too.  That's a good thing.  I've had tummy problems for so long... now I think I know why!

I was really grateful I’d brought some chapstick.  Because at this point, I was still on no liquids!  And I wouldn’t be having anything until the next morning.  So the minute I got situated, it’s what I wanted.  They also came in and made me get out of bed and walk to the end of my bed.  THAT sucked.  And I didn’t sleep well that night.  I woke up about every hour.  Mostly from pain, the nurses needed to give me shots or take my vitals, and the junkie who was up on the other side of the curtain.  Annoying.  

The following morning they told me I was going to be taken for my leak test.  I was happy, but it was the most miserable time of being in the hospital.  I was in sooo much pain and I had to get out of bed, walk to the wheelchair, and be wheeled who the heck knows where.  When I got there I had to stand and walk to the front of this machine and drink down this big (but not big) drinks of crap stuff and move to the right and left.  Then I got to swish with water, but spit it out.  It was the most painful 3 min I experienced.  I had to wait for my results before I could get fluids.  Then they wheeled me back.  A half hour later I found out I passed and they brought me my first ounce of water.  I was instructed to drink 1 oz every 15 minutes.  This seemed nice, only I was exhausted from the test so I slept for two hours instead.  John had left to go to work for a few hours, so it was alright… even if the junkie next to me was too loud the whole time.  The morphine helps you to sleep!

But when I woke up I got a nice sponge bath and my hair washed, and then was informed they found us a private room and as soon as it was cleaned I could move!  Yea!!  This made my day!  Also after my bath, they removed my catheder (this was easier than expected!) I went for a walk with one of the nicest CNA’s and I was beginning to feel a bit more normal. 

From that point forward things were a little better.  We had our private room, slept a TON better that night and I also had my first meal (1 oz milk, 2 oz protein drink, 1 oz apple juice) all eaten in one hour.  The following day, Thursday, we were discharged and able to go home.

So is it worth it?  At this point I really couldn’t tell you.  I still think I’m in the “holy cow, what have I done to myself” stage.  I still hurt an awful lot.  More than I expected to hurt.  It’s been hard to get fluids down.  I’m supposed to get 48 oz of water and 60 grams of protein a day.  It’s hard to do this when you’re tired a lot.  The first day I got home I think I was on border-line dehydration because I just couldn’t do it.  But yesterday was better.  I drank about 36 oz of water and 50 grams of protein.  So that’s good.  Today I feel a bit more “normal” … tired again already … but I really think I’m on the up-side now. 

I just hope I get back to feeling like myself soon.  I hear all of these people say “I love my RNY” and I am still thinking… I don’t.  Right now I hate it.  Will I ever love it???  I am sure I will eventually.  I just have to get through the pain.  And, like I’ve heard, the first week is the hardest.  I can do it.  Becuase I can do it through Christ who gives me strength.

Wow!  I can’t believe it’s finally here!  Surgery is tomorrow!  I found out earlier today that I don’t get to check into the hospital until 11:30 tomorrow morning.  That’s kind of a bummer for me as I wanted to check in a little earlier.  But, beggers can’t be choosers.  At least I’m finally going!  So tomorrow we’ll take the dogs to daycare, and then head off to the hospital!

So far I’ve been feeling really good.  Saturday was really hard, but that’s because that was day one of the clear-liquid diet.  Yuck.  All I wanted was to eat something!  But, today is day three and it’s not so bad anymore.  I actually am not craving anything any longer.  Although that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t prefer to actually eat something!  Either way, eating is a huge no no right now.  Only clear liquids!  Then, nothing after midnight tonight!  That part is going to bite.  Nothing.  Nadda.  No water, or even ice chips!  I’m going to be dying of thirst!!!  Augh!  But, I’ll make it… somehow!

I still haven’t packed my bag for the hospital though.  I tend to procrastinate a bit.  Yuck.  I hate packing anyway.  But, I still need to do that.  There are still a couple of things I’d like to get cleaned too.  Like I’m only half-way done steam cleaning my carpets.  Better finish up that too this afternoon!  What am I doing on the computer then??? Sheesh!  But we've gotten a lot of things done today.  We had four appointments this morning and I got my hair done!  yea!  now I feel all pretty!

I’m excited though.  I thought I’d be more a ball of nerves today, but I’m not.  I keep expecting it to happen.  Which, I’m sure at one point it probably will.  But it hasn’t yet.  I know it’s really hit John though.  He seems to be a lot more worried than I am.  Either way, it’s here…and I’m going through with it!

So, I’d better get going as I have a million and one things I’d love to get done before tomorrow!  I also plan on doing some before pics later on this evening so I will post those in my “weight loss journey” folder.

Wow, my surgery is one month from today.  It almost seems unbelievable.  It almost seems like it's still not going to happen, although I am definitely in the planning stages.  At the beginning of next month, with my check I'm going to order some sample stuff from bariatriceating.com; I'm still trying to find a black pair of straight-legged jogging pants to wear after surgery; I've organized all of my clothes; we're going through the food we have now and are being much more selective on what groceries we purchase so we can actually use what we have at home (since I have a small family, this is important); I've gotten all my leave straightened away at work and am coordinating my work with my back-up.  Wow, a lot of things... in a short amount of time.

The one thing I really wanted to do, I'm not going to be able to go.  As warped as it seems I really wanted my husband and I to get our will in place and get some advanced medical directives.  We've been referred to a couple attorneys and after speaking with them I know it's just not financially feasible right now.  The cheapest we could get is about $1,400.    Although I know how important this is, there is just no way.  Normally we could have financially planned for this.  But since my husband was in a very bad car accident last November our finances have been really out of wack.  We've having to pay certain things up front and go through the insurance battle.  So, what I'm going to do instead is type up my own intents for my medical needs IN CASE something happens (yes, I know my chances are slim).  I'm going to have this paper notarized and just give a copy to my husband and mom.  I know it's not a legal document, but it's better than nothing!

I've learned a lot thought this process though.  I've learned I have a lot of issues with food, and that I'm having to work through them... find substitutes for things to do when I'm bored, angry, or stressed.  I've learned I like food a lot and since I found out my surgery date I've gone a little over board on what I'm eating.  To the point of gaining a few pounds back.  But I've recognized it and got myself back on track.  I'm determined, more determined than I've ever been.

For the first time since I've started this process I've looked at certain events in my life and been excited.  Certain events that typically involve food.  Like, we're going camping 6 1/2 weeks after my surgery.  I love camping, I love camping food. But rather than get all sad about it... I got excited.  I got excited planning my new menu!  It was a great feeling.