9 months out and struggles...

Jan 11, 2009

I know it’s stupid… and I know I should be happier… and trust me I am happy, but why is it I’m still so discouraged with my weight loss? It’s been nine months… I know I look a ton better. But I take pictures and measurements and I still feel like it’s “not enough”. For goodness sakes I’ve lost nearly fifty inches total! But I want so much more. I’ve lost nearly 100 lbs and I want so much more…    I have a hard time being happy when I look at my pics and still see stupid things. Like do you know how hard I worked to have my stomach smaller than my chest???? Now, my stomach is bigger than my chest again! What’s up with that???? I just try so hard not to be critical, but yet I am. I don’t want to over-focus. But yet I do. I struggle with being slightly obsessed, so I try so hard not to be. I think that’s why I’ve been stuck at my 92 pound loss, because I don’t know where to stop… and I think “oh I need to lose about 40-60 more pounds.” But then I have people tell me “no, you only need to lose about 20 lbs”. What if I don’t agree? What if I think they all see me as the person I was a year ago and see how much better I look now? Yes, I look better, yes I look healthier. But I also need to be a realistic weight. Not just “look better than I used to.” Does that make any sense??   I don’t know… then there is the flip side of me that says “everyone says you look great… just stay where you are and be happy with it… quit looking at your pics and criticizing yourself!”   But I do anyway. And I think I always will.    So, tomorrow I go for my 9 month visit with my nutritionist… I guess we’ll see what she has to say. I do know I need to get back on track with a few things… like drinking water and going back to the gym. I think if I went back to the gym I’d feel better about myself all together. I kind of miss it anyways. We’ll see…   Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I guess this is just something I have to learn to work through… not to mention all the other internal struggles that go along with this!   If you’re interested, I’ve posted new pics… and here are my current measurements.    

Date	4/29/08	5/22/08	6/23/08	7/22/08	8/22/08	1/22/09
Neck	17	17	16	15.25	15	14
Upr Arms	16	15.5	14	14	14	12.5
Lwr Arms	11.5	11	10.5	10.25	10	9.75
Chest	49	49	48.5	47	46	43.75
Waist	52.75	51	48.25	48	45	42.25
Hips	51.5	46	45	43	41.5	39
Thighs 2x	42.25	40.75	40.75	38.5	38.5	35.5
Thigh 1x	27	26	26	25.25	24.75	21.5
Calf	16.25	16.25	16.25	16.75	16.5	15.5
Bra	44C	42C	42C	40C	38C	36C
Shirts	22/24	18/20	18/20	XL	XL	L
Jeans	24	20	20	18	16	12
Underware	11	10	10	8	7	6
Shoes	10.5 W	10.5 W	10	10	10	9.5

 

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