Rant....Feeling like a salmon waiting on the tide

Mar 01, 2009

I just tucked my little Stella (she's in my avitar) to bed. I huged her and thought to myself, it'll be nice to be able to lay down with her in her twin bed without worrying about breaking it. I finally decided to drive down to So Ca for my surgery becuse I'm afraid to get on a plane. It been a few yrs of years and 75 lbs ago. Will I even fit?  I was invited to an event last night and didn't go. I'm so ashamed of my weight.  My older daughter and her partner moved last week. I lied and said I had to work....not because I wouldn't have loved to help...I know I can't. It's BS! I'm so done!  I'm sure I don't even know all the ways I've avoided life over the past 3-4 yrs.  I haven't avoided my girls, my sobriety, my work and now I'm done avoiding my health. I deserve and those who love me deserve the Russ I want to be. I feel so inspired tonight after reading some of the mens posts and stories. To think I could be under 300 lbs by July 19 '09 is really cool. My mom and I haven't been close for the past 15 yrs. Through my 12 step work I've worked through alot of the issues I had with her and asked her to go with my little one and I on a cruise in July. It'll just be cool to be healthier for the trip. My older daughter is getting married in St Thomas in March '10. To think I could dance with her under 250! Wow.

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