chele514
Date: 4/4/10
I've been hesitating on this "my life" section since I joined OH. (7/19/09). I don't have some detrimental story as to why I am overweight. The fear of letting the world know how I really feel when some days, I don't know how I feel. (I feel the tears coming already) is very hard. BUT I am a work in progress and that's one reason why I chose to have the surgery.
I've always been the tall (5'9) girl, thus making me the "big" girl. The only size I remember wearing from 12 yo to 18 yo was a size 18 and a size 10 shoe. I don't remember anything less. I've taken care of people (kids and adults) ALL my life. It all started when I was 6 yo, my mom worked two jobs and I had to take care of my older sister and my 2 yo sister and take her to the sitters every morning (back then it could be done w/o trouble from the state). My care taking didn't stop there. I had taken care of cousins and friends ever since. If there was something that I was about to do for myself then I would just change my plans and help others. I was very quiet and shy, I was not athletic, not popular, not artistic, not an "A" student and I didn't have a boy friend. All I thought I was good at was taking care of others.
Through comments from family members that I would never be good at anything to just A LOT of emotional abuse, I found my comfort in foods. Now, that I did have in common w/ others. And it seemed that they found solace in feeding me as well. When they felt bad we ate and they fed me. When I felt bad I ate. With all that said, I believe this is how I became where I am today......obese. Food was (notice the word "was") the only thing I saw in life that I could control and enjoy with people and feel like I belonged.
I have tried diet after diet (no need to mention them ...what u've tried, I'm sure I've tried). Sometimes I'd lose and sometimes I'd gain. I could probably take year or two off work if I was paid back all the monies I've spent in dieting. lol
When I hit my late 30's, realization started to hit that something was very wrong. I also wanted to see my son grow up and have kids and I didn't want to be an embarrassment to him because of his "fat" mom. I needed to get "serious" about this losing weight. With blood pressure rising and rising, my PCP recommended the gastric bypass but my insurance had excluded the weight loss surgery and I was forced to get depressed or get into something I actually enjoyed. Yes..... there was something that I did like but being a "big" person you can't see yourself doing. Fitness training is one passion that I love. Maybe I love it because I'm the only one who controls it and it's for me only!! I remember when I was 7/8 yo and I had this vision of being a body builder. I don't know how or why or what but I remember that moment. I have always liked exercise, but if I couldn't go w/ a friend then I wouldn't go.
At this time I had weighed in at 305 lbs. I trained 6 days a week for over a year. I drove 25 miles to be trained and I lost about 2-5 lbs. So you can imagine how discouraging that made me. Of course I was toned and had great stamina, but that's not what counts. It's the lbs. I talked to several doctors and tried other trainers ( 4 to be exact) and the conculsion was that because I had been fat for so long, my body was fighting to stay big. It's like my body didn't believe I was serious so it just kepted the weight on. And guess what? My body was right. After 3 years of training and being very discouraged, I took a year from training and gained 32 more lbs in nearly two yrs. That's when the consisent high blood pressure stayed and had to end up on blood pressure meds, I only slept about 3-4 hours per night. Didn't know it then but it was called sleep apnea. I didn't want to go to the mall, go visit any friends, I didn't buy any clothes and depression hit hard. My PCP again recommended the gastric bypass again and/or lap band because of the issues I was having.
To my surprise and God's most awesome grace, my insurance would cover at 100% as long as I meet the requirements. I started even more research, went to all my required appts, and go to support meetings and nearly 7 mos later, I am hre to tell a story?? Ready to take on life and do a little something for me.......
I took this quote from a very sick cancer patient....."You Gotta Drive Your Body". I have taken this motto on for myself. Thanks for hearing me.
