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My goodness, I had not realized that it has been 6 months since I added to this blog. Time and balance has been such a challenge for me--cannot seem to have enough time to do much at all. Not sleeping well either, too much going on. Oh, did I tell you, that I have relapsed with bad food choices and slack exercise schedules that my weight has rocketed back to 220 lbs.

I had no idea the amount of stress trying to take care of a parent's needs and having them live with you would cause. Her whole way of life has rubbed off on me, my passive nature--I have never been able to stand up under her criticisms, her fault-finding and of course, being the emotional creature the good Lord made me, I have been swallowing my feelings....stuffing them down with the wrong food choices....man.

The  new man in my life does not understand my being emotional or having a day wrought with turmoil every now and then, yesterday was one of those days. We have been seeing each other since August, yesterday was the first time I asked for support and re-assurance, this got me "well let me think about it, there is just too much drama for me"....crap. Jumped on this site today to spread as much support as I could, hopefully, it will help my outlook, my lack of any self worth whatsoever.

I do have a little good news to impart, I was able to sell back some of my unused vacation time in January--I plan to buy a treadmill for my home--that way I can start jogging, recommended by my nurse pract. she said my body is so used to my walking routine, that jogging should help start me back in the right direction--that and a huge piece of tape over my mouth should do the trick.

I was able to get my girl what she wanted most for Christmas--a Wii, my Mom and I split the cost--I did a bunch of on-call hours and was able to get it and pay for my licence plates--not the swiftest idea I ever had to buy a car in December...oh well.  I scored a new Kodak EasyShare on Ebay for $35--it is the first digital I have owned...hopefully, I will be able to use it, my ex's parents want pics of our girl--the school pics were good this year, they want candids of both of us.

Well, that is about it for today, need to work on self-encouragement and self-esteem....thought I was passed all of this, guess not.

Take Care dear ones and Happy Holidays!

Blessings Always,

chris

Its June, summer is finally here!  I am so looking forward to good weather and being able to clean up my messy yard.
My journey has been stalled, stymied, by my own mind.....I have fallen back into habits I had broken way back within 3 weeks of my surgery.

Today is a new day, a new month, a new season. So many things have gone on in the past year, but I believe I have cleared all the hurdles, now, I can re-concentrate my efforts to becoming as healthy as possible.

I need to lose another 25 lbs. I feel this is attainable, and with the blessing of this band, I not only will never see 300 lbs. ever again, but I won't see 200 lbs. again either.

I have done alot of analytical thinking, and had fallen back into trying to do and please everyone around me, at the expense of what I need to do for myself.  My passion to do the best I can for me has been re-ignited.  I need to let other's opinions slide off and get on with it--the great weather is going to help tremendously!  I haven't a clue what I am doing in my yard yet, except cleaning it up gives me a huge dose of exercise. I plan and look forward to buying some colorful bedding plants to put in the planters on my porch, I need to enhance my big tree, I am thinking decorative rock and a lovely border are in order, none of those things should be really expensive, and I can easily stay within a reasonable budget.

Another thing I realized recently was that I have not bought any new clothes--I have bought new shoes for work, some under things, but the rest, has all come from 2nd hand stores, I am re-working what I have available to see if I can afford to buy a few new summer things, just as inspiration, to lift my mood and go with my re-newed spirit about me.  nothing that is going to bankrupt me, a blouse or two and some capris I think.  Just enough I think to satisfy my sense of self without killing my budget or seeming excessive....I am really utilitarian in what it takes to please me, I need to loosen up a bit.

I think the most flattering thing happened recently--out to dinner with a firend that hung on my every word, as if he did not want to miss a thing I said--I cannot tell you how much that boosted my self esteem......I really miss having time like that, I need to work on cultivating more.  School is almost out and my daughter will glory in it, I love spending time with her, but I really value the day a week, when everyone is in school and I don't have to work, I get so much accomplished--need to work on when I can get some alone time for the next 3 months--I think I am really going to embrace the weekends I spend by myself working....

Not much else, hoping everyone's journey is going well, remember to come here for your support and encouragement, I am here almost daily and my email is open for any questions, concerns or if you just need to vent.

Blessings Always,

It is April, one more month until my 2nd Bandiversary, it has been a year today that my beloved Gram went to be with the Lord, one year since my husband abandoned our marriage--one year since I said I would be at goal before next month....

This past year really beat me up, literally, if the outer things were not coming against me, I made double sure I was beating myself soundly on the inside for things not in my control, and other things I could control but felt helpless about.

I have been out of control for some months with my eating--eating isn't the right word really, I don't have the least bit of trouble with food, its JUNK, plain and simple, oh and soda, did I mention soda?

After all of the soul searching and praying, the negative self talk and feeling just plain pathetic, I have come down to one solution, it has to be ME--that is all, no one else can do this for me, no matter what comes against me, how busy I am or how bad I feel.

Ran into a snag with getting a fill--the estimated price is $400--unbelieveable, that is not something my budget will handle at all, so I need to reach down, dig deep and go on.

I have also modified my goal weight, I want to get to get to between 175 and 185, I had originally wanted to be 150 lbs.  I just feel number 1 the way my face is sagging I will look 150 years old and number 2, approaching my 2nd bandiversay, I feel it is just plain unattainable.

Currently I weigh 198 or 200 lbs. depending on the sodium levels in my body, by this time next month I am placing my goal at 190 lbs.

How can I fail?  I have the warmth, respect and support from everyone on this board, I have dear friends and supporters at work, and my little girl is my biggest fan!  I need to step up and step out--this is my plan.

Take Care, blessings always, keep up the good work our goals are just around the corner!

It is a better day today, 198 lbs and holding and coming to the realization that there are so many things out of my control that I just need to ride the wave, good or bad, or just completely succumb, as I am not a quitter the latter is not an option for me.

So tired lately, I took 2 days off over the weekend to get some things accomplished and some much needed rest, I made it to the drug store and was able to get my St John's Wort, I needed it so much, just a few days back with this supplement and I can feel a lifting in my over all mood and outlook.

I have 40 lbs to goal, I need to rededicate and get serious about taking care of myself.  In the past year, I have slipped back so much with negative mind set, thankfully, my band has been here to keep me from regaining what I have lost, I just been on the longest plateau of all time HEE HEE.

Need to break the soda habit again, I know, my bad, so easy for me to use the excuse of stress for this, simply, I love it, but it is not good for me at all.  My Mom's doc said that diet soda is even worse, because most of it contains aspertame, looking it up, it is poison! It is manufactured in the same way fingernail polish remover is, unbelieveable, and most diet things including Jello brands all contain aspertame, I am shunning all of these products, some of the symptoms include fatigue, unable to concentrate, forgetfulness, sounds so familiar.

Getting back on the wagon has taken me awhile, I fell completely off-I mean really off, not logging anything I ate, drank what I wanted and snacked when I wanted--no way I am going to make goal this way, so water, water, water, log what I have eaten and walking--I am going to run--the last time I tried, all the jarring from my big belly made my port site hurt, I am about 25 lbs slimmer, going to give it another go.

Until next time blessings to all, keep your chins up, our journeys are different but our goals are the same.

January, again, a new beginning for most, for me as well if I just embrace it. As you know, 2008 really beat me up badly, my husband's abandonment, the deaths of my Gram and Dad, trying to negotiate with husband to sign divorce, a less than enthusiastic atty  who has her own agenda before that of the client, etc. Through all of this, I have used stress as an excuse to make poor food choices, I got my wake up call when I looked at 2007's Christmas picture, I had lost 75 lbs. and I felt so good about my progress and myself.  Fast forward to today, I have just passed 100 lbs. again, that means, that I have only lost 25 lbs. in the past year, I still have 45 lbs. I need to concentrate on to get to goal, and I am determined to do it.
It is time I pulled up my socks and got on with this.  I have made several changes in the past couple of weeks, I am eating less carbs, I have increased my exercise to an hour every other day and 1/2 hour on the other days, one days rest--I have managed to lose what I had gained over the holidays, darned peanut butter cookies anyway!

I am all about keeping my heart pure and my face pointed heavenward, I need to recognize each day my blessings, and that this will only work, if I can get past all the junk in my life, and in my head and get on with what I need to do to get to goal.

I plan to once again cut out soda, I know, I am so bad, they don't call it the real thing for nothing.  I have fallen back into this bad habit recently, and believe me the scale shows it.  I also found out that I had been very lax in reading labels...again..I found a pre-sweetened tea that is just wonderful, I have drank probably 12 bottles of this in the past month or so, turned the label around 170 cal. per serving--2 servings per bottle!  There is more calories in that tea than in a 44 oz. regular Coke, I was astounded.

I need to consider that I will never be perfect, I am not made to be...I am alot of things to alot of people, mother, daughter, employee, auntie, confidante, fixer, planner, rescuer and occassionally enabler just to name a few of the hats I try to juggle all of time, it is time I gave myself a break.  I need to concentrate on taking care of myself so I can continue to be all the things that are expected of me.

Hopefully, by this time next month, I will be 8 lbs. slimmer and officially Mr. Turner's ex-wife. No kidding, this hurdle has been huge to leap over, I am being kept in a holding pattern due to no actions of my own, this contributes to my frustration.

Blessings to you all, keep up the good work, coming to this venue to vent is the best possible therapy, you are all in my prayers and close to my heart.

My theme song for this journey is Kelly Clarkson's Break Away--I need to refresh that in my mind to keep me moving in the right direction.

Until next time, remember you are the child of Christ and if he is for you, who can be against you?

It hardly seems that 2 months have gone by since my last blog. So much has gone on.  I am still bouncing above and below 200 lbs. It is maddening really.  I am going to have to think about doing a 10 day liquid fast to get going in the right direction again.

The death of my dad and my Mom moving in with me and her food habits have really influenced what I am doing for myself, or actually, what I am not doing for myself.   She is up very early, so the time I used to exercise is gone,  I am still very self conscious and cannot do this in front of her.

I am very conscious of my fiber intake and water--meeting that most days, but in the evenings the muncher in me has raised its ugly head.  I mean, Banderella is very fickle, but she lets chips and candy through.   that is where I come in, I need to make the best choices and hoist myself from my backside when I need to and crawl out of this pity pitt I have been in the past 7 months.  Grief seems to be my constant companion, and as I know, when stress comes against me, I sometimes slip back into my old habit of stuffing my feelings down my throat, a bit here a taste there and my imbalance in body weight shows it.   I am still a success and doing well, I am not sick as I was all the time--I have 46 lbs. to go I need to get on the way.

I have been honored with being asked to be a member of another online prayer group. the Praying Moms.  Thank you Jesus, I know I find strength in lifting others up. What a blessing.

Know that you all your in my thoughts and prayers and that you are always close to my heart.

Until next time.  Blessings. Always

Sixteen months yesterday....holding on and holding out.  So much drama with life lately.  Just this weekend I have rededicated myself to myself.  I need to pay attention to my nutrition...push the envelope with exercise.  Due to the stress and drama and the fact that I am an emotional eater, I have relapsed into some old habits.  Eating to relieve stress has only gotten me a 5 lb. weight gain and no weight loss whatsoever for the past 60 days. I have taken a nutrion class recently and am taking part of a walking challenge at work--more protein, more water--kick the exercise in the pants, no more excuses!  I am working hard on balance--Lord be with me.
 
I have been helping my Mom with her nutrition....she is doing so well!  She just recently had her blood work ran and she was perfect!  Perfect sugar, perfect cholesterol, perfect blood pressure!  Thank you Jesus!  She has also dropped some weight she is now at 207!  This is lowest she has been in years and the diabetes is under control.

Dad is still hanging on, he grows weaker and more sick daily it seems, I pray for mercy for him each day.

I read this quote on a recent post it said.....
Don't make someone your priority when they treat you only as an option.
Words to live by!

My Tricia is doing so well in 5th grade, even with her daddy gone....knows all her times tables accept 3, she is wanting to take band and will shortly be in girls basketball--Go Trish!  She is my inspiration daily that I am worth this journey, I just need to finish it--53 more lbs.

Take Care everyone, until next time stand firm in your faith and make yourself a priority.

It is 14 months today, I have to tell you, I have been very impatient with myself, my cirucumstances and most everything this past 2 months.  The looming divorce, the death of my Gram, the impending death of my Dad and being my Mom's primary support system etc.

My eating has been irratic, from not eating and almost falling out with hunger, to grazing etc.  Trying to maintain balance when everything is unbalanced is quite a struggle....some days I am very successful, other days, not so much....I have been struggling with self-perfectionism again, I thought I had put that one to be, but here it is again....

Yard work is a good work out, I sweat buckets, since I have 2 yard to take care of, I am logging in the hours.....imagine my surprise and elation when I stepped on the scale last night and had to adjust that cold steel bar.....slid it across and it said 198!  I was so shocked, I had to get off and get on again!  I then squealed and burst into tears!  I have not weighed in the 100's since the 8th grade!  God is Good!  and I praise his name for the blessing of this surgery and every ounce I have lost!  Hallelujiah!

To wrap this up this month, I don't have anything specific to say that is all that inspirational, other than, Do this, you are worth it, stand strong in your Faith--you will get there, I did!

Take Care and Blessings Always!

Well here it is, twelve whole months since I took the leap!  I made this all important decision specifically for myself.  I turned aside all who would dissuade, with kindness, but kept my backbone strong, I knew this was what I wanted to do for myself.

As of today, I can say, I am proud of myself and I feel exceedingly blessed and successful.  My high weight, right before I started the 6 months diet was 300 lbs.  I am 5'2" tall--I was more than a little round to say the least.  I have lost succesfully 97 lbs as of Monday!  I am so happy!  I thank God for every ounce lost.  

I now weigh less than I ever have in my adult life, I weight less than when I graduated high school in 1978 (235 lbs)  I can wear a womans size 14-16 pants and a womans size 18 or xl button down shirt--I have not been able to wear one of these in forever!

Do I have any regrets?  MMMM  NO!  I have made my changes and most days are good, I eat, I drink, I exercise--I still have stress and I still fight for balance on my non-work days, I have head hunger occassionally, most often I fight  emotional hunger.  Recently, I have been chanting to myself when this arises...I don't need to eat....I close my eyes and do this for one minute, it calms me and I can resolve my nervous issues.

I am so thankful for all of you on this board who have supported me, listened to me, etc.  I wish I could send you all a big hug!

I have chosen Kelly Clarkson's song "Break Away" as the theme for my weight loss journey, I also looked through my journal and found this entry--I wanted to post it here, it was before I had my lapband placed, hopefully, my words will touch someone else and help them decide about their own journey.

April 21, 2007

Thank you Lord for another day.  I need your grace today Lord, I fell small, low, lower than low.  I know that you love me, I am everything through Christ that strengthens me.

Anyone who has never had this struggle, I do not believe can conceive what it is like to be morbidly obese, let alone super morbidly obese like me.  Going outside is the hardest, the snickers, the stares, the comments etd.  The users in your life, the non-acceptance, unless you can supply some service.  My thoughts on this are below, why I strive to do this, to have surgery, to do this for NO ONE but myself!  I know this will be a financial burden on me and my family, but the Lord is Good!  He always provides for me and mine.

Break Away is my new mantra, here is the why I feel the need for weight loss surgery.  My health, physical, mental and emotional health!  Being able to walk without pain or shortness of breath.  To ride a bike again, or play basketball with my 8 y old daughter!  To never again have to wonder about every chair I sit in, if it will hold me....or not...to see my youngest child graduate high and marry.  To not be a continual buren on my family as my health continues to deteriorate.  To be seen as acceptable--having a smaller body is just a perk for me, quality of life for me is first and foremost.

As far as my weight is concerned, I have always felt a failure, self hatred, thoughts of I don't try hard enough, etc.  My mind really went crazy when I got approved and got mixed reviews of whether to have this surgery or not.  I got the opinions of I am being vain or taking the easy way out....hurtful, but something to contemplate.  No, I am strong and resolved, this surgery is what I need to gain control of myself.  After a while I have come to understand myself a little better, my self non-acceptance and my tendency to mask myself to others and just "do" things for them for acceptance and approval.  I have decided to give this gift to myself, for myself.  I am having WLS for my health and wellness.
Thank You Jesus!

The March of Dimes Walk went great!  Our hospital team raised nearly $2,000.00 for this cause, my kiddos Tricia and John walked with me, I made the course of 2 1/2 miles in about 45 mins.  I could never have done this pre-band, no way, my asthma would not have let me walk 1 mile, let alone 2.

Take Care Everyone, by this time next month, I am confident I will be embracing Onderland!  YEAH!

Eleven months and bit actually.  Things have happened in rapid succession this month, mostly things I had no control over at all, but my silly body, even though I was so busy, sad etc. I did not pay as much attention as I should shook loose 5 more lbs.!  I am now 5 lbs. to that magical number of 199--I am so blessed and ecstatic.

Trying to stay positive, I am going to go to counseling concerning my husband leaving me suddenly.  I feel so anxious about all of this, we have been together 14 years and my insides just quake with nervous energy--I have alot of decisions to make.

As my Nana always said, if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.  My gram was 88 and passed away last Monday, sweet but superstitious, my Irish gram will be missed alot.  I loved her. My Nana had lots of little things like that--never throw a spoon in the sink--the ringing noise invites poverty to your house.  Never place your purse on the floor, your money will walk away from you.  Never put your hat on the bed!  This foretells a death in the family etc.  Love you Gram!

I am going to walk in the March of Dimes March for Babies next month.   Without this amazing surgery I would never have ever attempted this--I now can walk most days without pain, shortness of breath is a thing of the past, I have gained enough confidence I can walk with my head up, looking forward instead of gazing at my shoes or the concrete.  

Thank you Lord for every ounce of the 95 lbs. I have lost! Hallelujiah!

Best Wishes to all and Take Care!