cimmaryn
Where to start? I am 40 this year, and I have struggled with my weight most of my life. Actually, I only THOUGHT I struggled with it when I was young -- when I look at pictures of myself as a child and teen, I really was not overweight (not skinny, but not fat). I felt like I was huge, though.
After the birth of my son, Ryan, I weighed around 220 (I gained 60 during the pregnancy). I was in a bad marriage with a narcissistic man and I was miserable. I also was dealing with depression, although I did not realize it. My ex and I divorced when my son turned 1 year old, because my ex was cheating on us with another woman (and her illegitimate child). He vanished from our lives at that point. My son and I moved in with my parents, and I went back to school, taking 25 hours a quarter and finished my degree a year later.
After finishing my degree, I worked for a year and went into a severe depression. Really, if anyone had any idea about the thoughts going through my head, I would have been hospitalized. Maybe should have been. My low was when I found myself standing outside in the dead of winter, having just come out of the shower. My hair was soaking wet, and I thought to myself that maybe I could catch pneumonia and not have to go to work the next day. At that point, I sought out counseling, which did help some.
The next year, I decided to pursue a graduate degree at UGA in artificial intelligence (in the psychology department). My son and I moved to graduate housing and settled in. Unfortunately, my depression came back in full force, to the point I felt paranoid and could not think clearly. It was a tough year. Realizing I could not deal with everything, I moved my son and I back to my parents house and commute to school. I quickly realized that AI and clinical psychology were too 'ivory tower' for my taste, and after I finished my classes I withdrew from the program.
For the next few years, I worked at 'just a job' jobs, trying to parent my son and survive. I gained quite a bit of weight during this time. I hid food and did not exercise. I could barely function, really. At some point, a crisis occurred with a close member of my family that drove me into counseling again. Thank goodness! I spent a year in intensive therapy -- 2 hours a week and journaled thousands of pages about what was going on inside of me. During that year, I began to exercise and eating healthier. In the end, I lost 140 pounds and decided that I would get my Master's in Counseling.
I did, in fact, get my M.S. in Counseling -- and truly believe it is the right field for me. Unfortunately, during school I met my second husband. At the time, I felt so good about myself, I was so healthy, and I wanted to share that. Unfortunately, while I had dealt with much of the crap in my past, I still did not recognize the underlying issues that guided me in relationships. So, I married my second narcissist.
I have tried many programs, as most in my place have. My last ditch effort was to go to the Structure House, in Durham, N.C. It is a great program, and I lost 50 pounds in 6 months -- but then the depression moved in and I regained that weight over the next 6 months.
So, I am older and wiser about a lot of stuff. I recognize that I am not getting any younger, and life does not get any easier. My son can take care of himself (with a little help from me :)) and I do not have a spouse I have to answer to. I am loving living on my own and I love not having to worry about what someone else wants or needs (for the first time in 40 years).
When I decided to have the VSG, both my mom and my son were very supportive and excited. They both want me to be healthy and live a full life. I want that, too. So, I'm ready!
Oh -- my depression, which will most likely be a life-long companion, is currently under control with meds. The ironic thing is that hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, and depression all have similar (if not nearly identical) symptoms, and can exacerbate each other. Maybe now that I am treating all three, the ride will be a bit smoother. :) Ultimately, I am a positive person and I recognize the difference between chemical depression and externally created depression. :) Losing this weight will make it easier to exercise (which helps with depression), and open up the realm of what is possible.
A side note -- although I am at my highest weight ever, I do not hate myself or my body. In fact, I think I feel comfortable with who I am (regardless of what I weigh). I finally, honestly, can say that I am beautiful. That is a good place to be.
Kimberly
