CindyJo24

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November 24,2014 - I thought I was going to get a port revision due to a leak.  Instead I came out of surgery finding out my band had been removed. The doctor said my band had slipped and my stomach was stretched very thin and was blistered. I am home recovering from the physical pain of the surgery and the emotional pain of having failed, again. 

I had to do some soul searching this past week.  I have gained weight and it's not because of over-eating but because of poor food choices.  I am realizing more and more what a carb addict I am.  A little bread here, a cookie there and the next thing I'm craving carbs all day long.   I realize this is a weight loss journey and that there are psychological and phsyiogical issues that I need to address.  I am seeing a counselor and attending OA meetings in addition to logging foods and exercising.  But even though I am doing many things in the right direction, I am still giving in to my cravings.   I need God's help to change these habits and to overcome the head hunger that consumes me.  

I am in a life long battle between the long term benefits of being healthy and the temporary happiness of my comfort foods.  I am thankful that the ban is helping me with over-eating, but I am fully aware that I must change some of the foods I am eating.  How do we do that?   How do mentally change our thinking and find the strength to say no to the high calorie, high fat junk?  Oh how I know that I need the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome the flesh. 

God... grant me the strength to change the things I can, the peace to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.  Today when it is up to my choices God help me CHOOSE LIFE, CHOOSE HEALTH, and CHOOSE TO EAT THE RIGHT FOODS.

Life has been so good.  I am finally eating some regular foods and learning to chew, chew, chew and only drink in between meals.  Since my pre-admission testing on August 4th I have lost 21 pounds.  That is amazing to me!   I haven't been perfect at following my band rules, and that both scares me and makes me angry at myself.  The control food has over me is so intense that I decided to join OA (overeaters annonymous) last week.  I know that I need God's help to really overcome my addiction to overeating and the cravings that still consume my thoughts.  I am just thankful that I am no longer feeling hopeless in my situation.  With God all things are possible. 

When I first came out of surgery I was doubting my decision.  The pain was greater than I expected and the gas from the laproscopic procedure was so uncomfortable.  But I am week out and feeling amazing - almost 100% pain free.   I have been struggling on the liquid diet though.  Why do I seem like the only patient who keeps having hunger on these protein shakes?  My stomach growls a lot, and I can't tell if it is head hunger or physical hunger.  It doesn't go away except for 1 hour after I drink a shake.  Following the diet of soft foods this week will still be a challenge because I miss so many foods.   3 weeks of drinking your meals... I'm going crazy.  But I do like that the scale is going down.  I hope it can continue to motivate me.

I cheated last night. I am sick of feeling so hungry all the time.  Last night I made 1/2 cup of egg-beater scrambled eggs.  I feel horrible that I didn't follow the pre-op diet and now I feel like I am destined to fail this whole process.  Maybe I should not get the lap band - or not at this time.  Weight loss is so hard. 

I know I'm a food addict, so I don't know what's real hunger and head hunger.  Help?

Today was my first full day on the protein shakes pre-op liquid diet.  I started out excited and by the middle of the day I was hungry and irritable and now at the end of the day I am angry.   I called my momearly  today.  I called my boyfriend early today.  No one else called me until 9 pm when my step mom called.  No other family, no friends checked on me today even though I told them all about this first day and even set up a family meeting about my decision.   My mom never called back to check on me and she promised to be one of my big supporters. 

Also, my boyfriend did the most UNSUPPORTIVE, and INSENSITVE thing today.  I was telling him earlier that I was hungry and struggling, but he must not have listened.  He only talked about his day at school, so it was clear that school was on his mind - not me.   He came over tonight to spend time with me and brought a pizza.  He knew I couldn't eat it but he was planning on just eating it right in front of me.   I was so angry I told him to get out.  He was totally dumbfounded.  He had no clue how upsetting that was.   He couldn't figure out why I was so upset with him.   Just the day before I had asked my whole family and him to help me out by not asking me to dinner and being mindful of my appetite during this time.  I gave a speech and planned this big moment to ask for their support.  He gives me lip service that he is supportive and then goes and does something so thoughtless as bring a pizza over.   His excuse - I just wanted to get here as soon as possible.  So he was only doing what HE wanted to do - what was most important to him.  

I cried and told him to leave before I said something I would regret.  He didn't listen.  He came to my room and so I let him have it.  I told him all selfish and thoughtless his actions were.  I told him that he wasn't supporting me at all and that it's just lip service when he said yes he is.   I went on to talk about how he only thinks of himself and his schedule and his agenda.  He said he just wasn't thinking and that was my whole point.  I told him how important these first few days were and that I needed so much support, and he never even thought about what I told him.  My wellbeing wasn't any aware in his radar for today.   Ughh, I am so angry at him. 

Maybe this is a tell-tale sign of the future with him.  We're on good terms as long as I don't need him to put me first.  We're all good when I cater to his needs.   We're a perfect pair as long as I just go with the flow and do things for him and make everything easy for him in his tough times.  But when I have a serious need and he completely fails at being supportive - then somehow it's not his fault.  He just wasn't thinking.  Well, just because he wasn't inteniontally coming over to eat in front of me doesn't mean it wasn't a totally awful thing for him to do.

It will take some time for me to get over this one.  I am very wounded and feeling very alone in this journey.